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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you continue to live in the same house while divorcing? Unable to cope

100 replies

Harvery · 10/01/2023 10:59

Please help with some strategies. I am finding it so incredibly difficult. Every instinct in me wants to hide when he comes in from work or escape every week end when he is at home. But I can't because the kids need a normal life.

For context, we have 3 children (7-12) and have been together 15 yrs, married 10. He is emotionally unavailable, stonewalls all the time, never talks or communicates, if I say anything to him he doesn't like he takes his frustration and anger out on the kids by being short or sarcastic with them. He ignores me for weeks on end. No physical relationship at all, not since conceiving youngest. I can't stand being around him, I feel constantly anxious and in a state of dread.

If anyone has been through this period of having to coexist while financial settlement is sorted out, how did you do it?

OP posts:
Xrays · 10/01/2023 12:39

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:33

It sounds to me as if you estranged husband is just continuing the work started by your father, ie making the feel as if you have to serve the needs of men at your own expense!
We want you to live your life for yourself and put your own needs first, you can do this, you children need you to do this, people on here will help you, there is lots of knowledge expertise experience and support on here 🤗

Absolutely this.

Sounds like your dh is Dad the sequel…. it’s really common for women who grow up with awful Dads to go on to pick similar husbands. I’ve done it - and divorced the fuckers - twice. And have no relationship with my Dad either. (Should add I am now happily remarried - 15 years now- so there is hope)!

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:39

My Dad is mentally unwell. He lives there with my younger brother who is mentally unwell. He calls me once a year or so and threatens to kill me and the children. I feel he could really do something dangerous if provoked - he is very scary. So I'll never evict them.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 12:41

Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:39

My Dad is mentally unwell. He lives there with my younger brother who is mentally unwell. He calls me once a year or so and threatens to kill me and the children. I feel he could really do something dangerous if provoked - he is very scary. So I'll never evict them.

You have a very obvious out and you're not taking it.

TheAbsentGazelle · 10/01/2023 12:41

Hi OP, I'm just coming to the end of this situation now. Have been living with my ex for 4 months while the house was sold. It's so so so difficult, I agree but the only way to keep yourself sane is to have an end goal in mind. You need to try and figure out what your next move is for yourself. Buying him out of the marital home probably not an option, but you are in the fortunate position of having an alternative home. Is it big enough for you and your DC to live?

I'm going to assume you don't have a good relationship with your dad. I know how hard it is (I'm only NC with mine) but now is the time you have to start being selfish. Tell, don't ask, your father that you need access to your own home back.

Living with your ex until the kids leave sounds like it's not going to be an option for you. Life is too short to be living on egg-shells all of the time.

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:42

DH is a vast improvement on my Dad and brother. My mum left my Dad when I was young, and things began to change with my Dad when I was around 18 and started to have some independence, go out to work

OP posts:
Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:43

I can't do that @SleeplessInEngland . I am terrified of the repercussions.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:49

@Harvery
None of this is your fault, your dad has had control of you for a long time, you can escape you can break free of them, even so it will take some time and some effort to undo and unpick the damage that he has caused.
Its thorny and difficult but there is a way through and you can find your way to it. You are better than these men, they are stuck in their belligerent bloody minded backward way of thinking, you can see beyond this and you are better than them.

Aintnosupermum · 10/01/2023 12:50

Separate the cash now. Take 50% from the joint account and put it in your own account. Your pay needs to go into your own account.

Engage with a good solicitor. You need them on side to be able to navigate this. You don’t need his permission to divorce him but what you need to do is collect evidence of his behavior because it will be affecting the children. A solicitor can advise you on what to collect and how to do it.

As for living with him, I’ve been there and how I coped was with going to the gym in the evening once the children were in bed. You don’t always have to work out. I spent a lot of time thinking about life, doing my admin and sorting myself out from the gym. I had my showers at the gym because my ex husband had a camera in the bathroom.

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:51

Have you gone to the police about the threats that your father has made?
Would it be possible to convince him that the house is being repossessed because you can't afford the mortgage? Just trying to think of possible strategies.....

SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 12:51

Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:43

I can't do that @SleeplessInEngland . I am terrified of the repercussions.

So you're just waiting until he dies. How long could that be? And what of your brother?

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:53

No, I haven't gone to the police. It's difficult with the house because I can't access it, and they have left it fall into such a state of disrepair that it's probably not even mortgageable. If my mortgage lender ever looked at it, they would likely withdraw the borrowing. Think leaking roof, leaking water pipes, no maintenance for 20+ years.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:54

Your father is using your brother as a kind of hostage to enable him to stay in a house that he shouldn't be living in!
This is very messed up you can't let this continue!

NoSquirrels · 10/01/2023 12:54

Have you been to see a solicitor?

That’s your first move. Get the right information. Don’t try to negotiate with your husband until you have done that.

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:54

No, I'm waiting until I can repay the mortgage and then just transfer it across to my brother as a gift. I can't transfer it to him now because he wouldn't be able to get a mortgage for the amount outstanding.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:56

Stop giving everything away to the men! Please get proper legal advice.

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:56

My plan is to pay off the mortgage (now I'm working it could be in another 1-2 years), transfer the house to my brother. Then I am free to get my own, new mortgage for me and DC. It won't be much but I should be entitled to half of our family home with DH and that would be enough.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/01/2023 12:56

Speak to women's aid and seriously consider moving into a refuge.

You will need to get the house valued as part of the divorce there isn't anything you can do about that.

Flowers
Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:58

I just need some help getting through the days at the moment. I called DH to ask him to stay elsewhere for a few days but he doesn't answer my calls so he'll come home from work as usual tonight. I am struggling to get normal life done, struggling to do my job - if I get sacked it would be a disaster as I'll have no lifeline for the future.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 10/01/2023 12:58

Can you put your brother on the house deeds? Can he become the joint owner with you?

NoSquirrels · 10/01/2023 13:00

So you actually don’t want to get divorced for 2 years?

That changes things.

KnittingDiva · 10/01/2023 13:01

Please listen to the advice of @wejammin who is a family solicitor. I'm afraid if you don't get some legal advice for both situations there is no good end here.

Eyesopenwideawake · 10/01/2023 13:01

Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:56

My plan is to pay off the mortgage (now I'm working it could be in another 1-2 years), transfer the house to my brother. Then I am free to get my own, new mortgage for me and DC. It won't be much but I should be entitled to half of our family home with DH and that would be enough.

Why would you give YOUR house to your brother? It should be going to you and eventually your children (or the proceeds of the sale). In the nicest possible way, stop being a doormat.

saltofcelery · 10/01/2023 13:03

I am very sad for you, it seems as though you have been ruled by abusive men for your whole life.

Now is the time to stand up for yourself. You absolutely cannot live together until the children are adults when it is acrimonious - you will lose your sanity.

Contact Women's Aid.

TheOrigRights · 10/01/2023 13:04

Please look after yourself OP.
I lived this way during my divorce and it was incredibly awful. It impacted hugely on my mental health (on top of the already existing reasons for the divorce in the first place). My children were 6 and 16 at the time.
Things that stopped me completely going under:
I did lots of exercise (running and swimming). I would go to the pool at 9.30pm for 40 mins swimming. Running - either with music to zone out to, or w/o music to let my anger out and with good friends.
I work from home, but during very bad times I worked at a friend's house during the day. I can work wherever there is wifi.
I told my boss who was very understanding and that helped take the pressure off.
I had a few friends in the village who were happy for me to go over any time just to sit and have a coffee. I called the Samaritans a lot, just to cry and have someone listen to me (again and again) with no judgement or advice - it enabled me to calm down.
The same friend whose house I worked in also let me sleep there a few times.

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 13:04

I can't put my brother on the deeds without involving the lender - and the lender is unlikely to continue to extend the loan if they become aware of the state of the property.

The house is ex local authority. My Dad was the tenant and I bought it at his instruction when I was 18 (because I was employed and could get a mortgage). So it's not really mine, and they have contributed to mortgage repayments.

OP posts: