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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you continue to live in the same house while divorcing? Unable to cope

100 replies

Harvery · 10/01/2023 10:59

Please help with some strategies. I am finding it so incredibly difficult. Every instinct in me wants to hide when he comes in from work or escape every week end when he is at home. But I can't because the kids need a normal life.

For context, we have 3 children (7-12) and have been together 15 yrs, married 10. He is emotionally unavailable, stonewalls all the time, never talks or communicates, if I say anything to him he doesn't like he takes his frustration and anger out on the kids by being short or sarcastic with them. He ignores me for weeks on end. No physical relationship at all, not since conceiving youngest. I can't stand being around him, I feel constantly anxious and in a state of dread.

If anyone has been through this period of having to coexist while financial settlement is sorted out, how did you do it?

OP posts:

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 13:05

You have been brainwashed to think that you have to be a slave to your father your brother and your husband.
Please try and get some therapy to undo this brainwashing.
Stop subordinating yourself to these disgusting selfish men, please!

Rafferty10 · 10/01/2023 13:07

Oh op how horrible for you.
I see you are doing all you can in very difficult circumstances.

To make it more bearable could you set up a bedroom corner of the living or if you have one a dining room?
A small double bed, a large floorscreen, (look on ebay) Or hang a curtain, and a hanging rail is all you need, make it your tiny sanctury with a lamp and favourite books,. Having a space to go to sleep in peace in will help. You can also retreat when DH is around with headphones and music. (The screening is key, so you can forget him once Dcs are in bed)

Have you told DCs you will be seperating?
Please see a good solicitor straight away.

MimiSunshine · 10/01/2023 13:08

Go and see a solicitor. Get the ball rolling with a divorce, your H might be able to drag things out but he can’t for r you to stay married.
Don’t do nothing just because he says no or because his sisters will float. Block them.

as for your dad, is he an actual tenant? If so eviction If not just force him out but maybe tackle the divorce first

heartbeatacrossthegrass · 10/01/2023 13:08

Could you speak to someone in his family or a friend of his to ask them to talk to him? If there is someone who could offer him a place to stay and talk some sense into him they might have more luck than you.

Alternatively could you take it in turns to live elsewhere a couple of nights a week? So kids stay in the family home but you each spend a couple of nights somewhere else to have some space from one another?

NoSquirrels · 10/01/2023 13:09

If you could pay off the mortgage within 2 years, then it must have a lot of equity? So your fears about its state and what the lender may or may not do could be unfounded. You need to know the position and you need to get proper advice from professionals.

BurntOutGirl · 10/01/2023 13:09

Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:56

My plan is to pay off the mortgage (now I'm working it could be in another 1-2 years), transfer the house to my brother. Then I am free to get my own, new mortgage for me and DC. It won't be much but I should be entitled to half of our family home with DH and that would be enough.

How about you put your DC BEFORE your brother, and secure a home for them instead!!

shieldmaiden7 · 10/01/2023 13:17

We had to live together for 6 months before he found a place. It was torture at first so we worked out what our child custody rota would be so the nights the children were with me, he stayed at his parents. The nights they would be with him I stayed at mine. When it finally came to him moving out the kids were already accustomed to us not being together and it wasn't such a shock. If I am ever in that position again I would 100% tackle it the same way as it worked for us and the children.

jackstini · 10/01/2023 13:23

You seriously need to see a solicitor asap

You do realise as you are married, your husband has a claim against half of the house you own, which your dad and brother live in?!

Do they even have a tenancy agreement?
This could get very messy

On the other hand - you could blame the divorce and split of assets for having to evict your Dad...

Whose name is on the mortgage for the marital home?

See a solicitor.
Give them all the details and paperwork for both houses and any bank accounts, loans, savings plus both pensions
Ask about an occupation order.
Petition for divorce asap once you know what they advise financially

Original poster

Harvery · 10/01/2023 13:28

Yes I know re the house my dad/brother live in. It is a mess. There is no tenancy agreement.

Our family home with DC has only DH on mortgage.

OP posts:

dammit88 · 10/01/2023 13:34

You need to put your children first.

RandomMess · 10/01/2023 13:39

If your brother receives benefits he could get a mortgage, even if it only reduces yours it means he could go on the deeds. If the lender values it as less than the mortgage etc then honestly that's a good thing for divorcing as it means you have debt but no asset.

It doesn't matter that each of the mortgages is only yours or your DH name they will both count as marital assets.

You can register your interest in the marital home on line.

Winterpetal · 10/01/2023 13:41

Has your dad being paying the full cost of the mortgage and full amount of bills ..
has he been paying u rent to live there ,or have u fully funded him by paying the mortgage and not charging him rent

Winterpetal · 10/01/2023 13:43

If the morgage on the house your dad is in …is in your name ..
your husband can go for half ,when you get divorced

Winterpetal · 10/01/2023 13:45

So are u planning to stay in this situation for 2 years ,while you try to earn enough money to pay the mortgage of on the house your dad is in ,so u can sign it over to your brother ,before u get divorced so your husband can’t get his mits on the money ..

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 13:50

I really hope you can at least make an appointment with a solicitor @Harvery , hopefully seeing what your position is legally will galvanise you into doing something.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 10/01/2023 14:00

Lots of good practical advice above. I did this for 14 months and it was grim. One of the issues is you’re so up against it you can’t see the wood for the trees. You’ve had lots of good advice above and I haven read it all so apologies if this is a repeat.

Can you/are you getting any therapy/counselling? I found it really helpful before deciding to split and I should have kept it up throughout. Given the situation with your father/brother you obviously have a lot going on and some external guidance might help you.

Sadly, you can’t protect your children from this, especially the older ones, and pretending everything is OK is not the healthiest approach (it’s what I did and my now grownup kids have told me with love that I was deluded). I dont know what the perfect approach is but I’m sure someone above will have given you some good advice.

Prioritise and let other stuff go. So you all eat ready meals or crap for a week? So what if you keep your job and your sanity.

Get away as much as you can, with or without the kids. Every second apart is a blessing. And definitely sort out separate beds and living spaces. Definitely.

But mostly, big big hugs. From the other side of the dark woods I can tell you it will all be worth it in the end.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 10/01/2023 14:07

I moved out as soon as I could. It’s going to be disruptive to the kids anyway, and the animosity btw you two is worse for the kids to witness. My youngest was actually excited to set up a room at the new place. I moved out because I didn’t want the house upkeep and was the higher earner.

You are prioritizing the kids by divorcing, make sure to also consider your own sanity.

Original poster

Harvery · 10/01/2023 14:23

Thank you for supportive messages. I need to get through current mental fog which I’m sure will pass in a few days. It comes and goes, some weeks are worse than others. I just feel unable to do anything at the moment. Paralysed with overwhelm.

OP posts:

KnittingDiva · 10/01/2023 14:46

Could you move the DH in with DF and DB??

Sorry, don't want to be flippant but sounds like they deserve each other!

Nat6999 · 10/01/2023 14:49

I left as soon as I could, living part of the week with my new dp & the rest at my parents, I owned the home we had lived in in my sole name but didn't get it back until exh had wrecked it by leaving it to flood due to burst pipes during freezing weather. My parents ended up loaning me the money to get it in a fit state to sell & exh signed his rights away rather than contribute to paying for the repairs. I get the problems of being forced to live together when you don't want to, I had been like that for at least a couple of years.

Original poster

Harvery · 10/01/2023 15:08

@KnittingDiva that made me laugh. Sadly it’s true.

OP posts:

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 17:50

Harvery · 10/01/2023 15:08

@KnittingDiva that made me laugh. Sadly it’s true.

you never know, it might come to pass....
I can see you're in a very tricky situation, I really hope you can find the way through, you deserve so much better than this, and so do your children🙏

GreenEmeraldSea · 10/01/2023 18:16

That's a huge change in your attitude vs how you must have felt when you lay down and asked him to make you pregnant with his child. Three times.

Not helpful to anyone to whip up this level of hatred in your head. You're going to be in contact for a while yet.

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 18:23

That's a huge change in your attitude vs how you must have felt when you lay down and asked him to make you pregnant with his child. Three times
Yes OP has 3 children with this man....why do you feel the need to use that sinister and misogynistic turn of phrase ?

Iam4eels · 10/01/2023 18:32

GreenEmeraldSea · 10/01/2023 18:16

That's a huge change in your attitude vs how you must have felt when you lay down and asked him to make you pregnant with his child. Three times.

Not helpful to anyone to whip up this level of hatred in your head. You're going to be in contact for a while yet.

Not everyone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship realises it, that's how emotional abuse works.

Not everyone has control over their reproductive choices.

Not everyone has the foresight to know their marriage will end however many years down the line.

Things change.

Your comment is dickish.

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