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Original poster

How do you continue to live in the same house while divorcing? Unable to cope

100 replies

Harvery · 10/01/2023 10:59

Please help with some strategies. I am finding it so incredibly difficult. Every instinct in me wants to hide when he comes in from work or escape every week end when he is at home. But I can't because the kids need a normal life.

For context, we have 3 children (7-12) and have been together 15 yrs, married 10. He is emotionally unavailable, stonewalls all the time, never talks or communicates, if I say anything to him he doesn't like he takes his frustration and anger out on the kids by being short or sarcastic with them. He ignores me for weeks on end. No physical relationship at all, not since conceiving youngest. I can't stand being around him, I feel constantly anxious and in a state of dread.

If anyone has been through this period of having to coexist while financial settlement is sorted out, how did you do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:03

We don’t agree. He wants to live like this until kids leave. I want to separate finances now

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 12:03

Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:02

That will just make him angrier and he’ll make sure I’m punished for it at some point or his resentment and anger will come out in his interactions with the kids

Ok, so this is a domestic abuse sitation rather than a separation sitution. In which case, you and your family should seek refuge first and foremost.

user1471465748 · 10/01/2023 12:04

Don't cook for him or do laundry= you are not his slave, adn as you are getting a divorce this is normal. Cooly tell him you will report him if he becomes abusive to you. Encourage him to spend some nights in his relatives, or very second weekend, etc- if he wants laundry and food cooked he might be more willing to go to relatives now. Can you go to family some weekends with the kids?

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:04

He will do everything you can to make life difficult for you so that he comes out the winner, but that doesn't mean you can't out manoeuvre him.
I would suggest being polite but businesslike stop thinking about him as a partner think of him as a very irritating housemate, keep a private and secured log of everything he does, somewhere to write your thoughts down.
Have you got some rooms that you can use as a sanctuary but don't let him know.
Get all the legal stuff done behind his back find out everything you need to know to get the best settlement for yourself and the children.
Probably your biggest advantage that is that he will by default underestimate you and not think that you're capable of out thinking him.
Play dumb as much as you can, don't be the aggressor but stand up for yourself.

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:07

Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:03

We don’t agree. He wants to live like this until kids leave. I want to separate finances now

I wouldn't waste time seeking his agreement, I would just quietly and privately separate my finances from his.
Don't get into any discussions with him, he won't give any ground he'll just dig his heels in and it will be more stressful for you, he will use everything as an opportunity to have a power struggle with you so don't give him any opportunities.

User0610134057 · 10/01/2023 12:08

I’m so sorry for you, I’ve been there only for 4 months but that was bad enough. He also wouldn’t move out, in the end I have rented somewhere using savings (scary) and I’m sharing a bedroom with my youngest but it is still amazing to be out. I know what you’re saying about the children but I talked to them about having 2 houses and 2 bedrooms etc and they’ve adapted very well so far. The thing is in the end the atmosphere and environment there was damaging for them (he was unable to control his emotions around them, and on occasion smashed glasses on purpose etc)

it was scary and is horrible when I think of the money side but is definitely worth it.
would he consider ‘nesting’ short term and you take turns staying elsewhere?
This wouldn’t have worked for us but would be cheaper as would only need to rent a one bed and kids could stay in the house

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:08

No way would I sleep in the same room as him, separate room with a lock on the door, he's not your boss he has no right to tell you what to do he has no power over you.

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:10

Can you make a very detailed log of all his behaviour and take it to a solicitor? You'll have to find a way to use his bad behaviour and his bloody mindedness against him.

Xrays · 10/01/2023 12:11

If you are as scared of him as you sound, and there is a threat to the children emotionally then I think you need to contact women’s aid and get some advice about coercive control. It’s a recognised form of abuse now and he can be made to leave.

Overandunderit · 10/01/2023 12:14

Why do you have to do things on his terms? I'd be speaking to the solicitor now and making it happen on your terms.

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:19

I can’t see how I am being coercively controlled

OP posts:
Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:20

He makes me feel like I’m forcing him to do everything on my terms!

OP posts:
wejammin · 10/01/2023 12:21

I'm a family lawyer and get lots of clients coming to me in this situation. Don't leave it until life is so unbearable it's wrecked your mental health.
If he won't agree to separate and is taking it out on the children, it's abuse.
You need advice on an occupation order and you need to start making plans. Please see a solicitor even if it's just to understand your options.

RandomMess · 10/01/2023 12:21

Speak to Rights of Women about the threshold of getting an occupation order.

The DC can share a bedroom so you can have one.

EOW you go away and he parents his DC. This may actually encourage to go away the alternate EOW as he won't want to have to look after them.

It sounds like he is emotionally abusive to the DC as well as you hence why it's worth trying to obtain an occupation order.

What is your solicitor saying, are they actually good at dealing with abusive partners that are deliberately delaying things and refusing to financially separate? I don't see how he can stop that if you have your own bank account?

Iam4eels · 10/01/2023 12:24

@Xrays advice is excellent, you should get advice around coercive control and emotional abuse. That walking on egg shells feeling and all those years of attention/affection being linked to how "good" you've been? That's all part of emotional abuse.

You can apply for an Occupation Order (do get advice first though)

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation

This will compel him to leave the family home for a specified time period. It's a short term solution but should give you the space you need to sort out the legal side of separating, the financial stuff, somewhere else to live, etc.

I would also apply to the local council for housing and ask to speak to their domestic abuse officer who can help with your application. Owning a house shouldn't be a barrier as you can show that he is obstructing you accessing your share of it by refusing to progress with the separation.

Do you have a friend or family member who can support you with appointments, phone calls, etc? It's a lot emotionally and even just having somewhere there who you know is on your side and can stick the kettle on between calls is a huge help.

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:24

I earn very little compared to him. I couldn’t support us financially alone.

Another problem is that my Dad lives in a house that I own and have a mortgage on, but he won’t let me live there/access it. So I can’t even get a small mortgage for new home with DC because I already have this mortgage

OP posts:
Xrays · 10/01/2023 12:25

Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:19

I can’t see how I am being coercively controlled

He’s stopping you from living your life the way you wish by controlling you with sulking / being horrible to the children if you don’t dance to his tune.

RandomMess · 10/01/2023 12:25

Evict your Dad.

RandomMess · 10/01/2023 12:27

Seriously how are you renting a house out to your Dad that he won't let you access?

Sell it with a sitting tenant?

Sounds like you have been coercively controlled by men your whole life.

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:30

If your dad refuses to move out then sell it to another landlord with him in it ...ain't nothin' he can do about that🥳
Stop letting men control you.

EndlessRain1 · 10/01/2023 12:30

You need to have some trouble with the men in your life OP. I'd advise 2 things:

  1. find a lawyer and get some proper advice on what to do. WIth everything you've said I think it's really worth leaving if you can without too much damage to your position;

  2. find a therapist who can help you see the abuse/ control from these men and win you back some confidence.

and maybe a 3rd,

Evict your dad. It's a ridiculous situation to be doing cooking and laundry for your ex while h treats you like shit, and have nowhere to go when you won another house because you dad won't let you.

Doliveira · 10/01/2023 12:31

Evict your dad. Straight up.

also, how about having a meeting with your husbands family and telling them you need their support in encouraging your husband to use their spare rooms and give the situation some space.

Soothsayer1 · 10/01/2023 12:33

It sounds to me as if you estranged husband is just continuing the work started by your father, ie making the feel as if you have to serve the needs of men at your own expense!
We want you to live your life for yourself and put your own needs first, you can do this, you children need you to do this, people on here will help you, there is lots of knowledge expertise experience and support on here 🤗

Original poster
Harvery · 10/01/2023 12:37

My husband's family won't help me. His mother has never thought me good enough and his sister's would be gleeful to hear we are divorcing. They have never married or had children and I am an unwelcome reminder of that.

Yes, I have been controlled by my Dad for much of my life. I actually escaped that in my twenties but over the years have led myself back into an equally difficult situation with DH. I have not seen things clearly and now they're becoming clear and I see just how trapped I am and how unprotected I've left myself, I can't seem to function

OP posts:
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