I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

OK..

You win for the most batshit comment in the whole thread.

Congratulations!!

I've got horses, dogs, & kids, and in my experience those who don't have these kinds of commitments just don't understand how difficult it is to get help with them and go away for a weekend. These aren't 'weak excuses', these are reasons, and I suspect that the others in the group chat don't get why you can't make it. Talk to your sister.

Childcare: ask your DPs to come to you for the weekend

Revision: sorry to say that if your DD isn't prepared by the weekend before they start, she won't need supervising as that weekend will make zero impact on her results.

The weekend before GCSEs she should be relaxing and preparing mentality for the 1-2 month madness about to begin.

Horses: they're on a yard. I've never known a yard where people don't help each other out with feeds, watering, mucking out, turning out and exercising. You're away for 3 days, not a month. Ask people on the yard for help

Dogs and other members of the menagerie: DC are more than capable to look after them for 3 days

This leaves cost. You can either afford it or you can't. It's that simple. If you can't, just say so. Forget all the other reasons - they're irrelevant.

And I'm not having a go, before you jump on me.. I'm trying to point out that you seem to have gotten lost in some rabbit hole when the real issue seems to be money. I also wouldn't have hundreds of pounds to spend on a hen. I've often had to miss girls' weekends away due to lack of funds. I regularly join festivities during the day and then head home as I cannot afford hotels/Airbnb etc. My friends all understand that we are all in different places financially. BUT I'm always up front straight away. You could and probably should have said in October that if DH was away, you wouldn't be able to go so to plan as if you can't and then, at the time, if you could go, you would, and would sleep on the sofa and would, of course, pay your share.

Simple, drama-less, because body feels bad and everyone's expectations correctly set.

OP I would just talk to your sister and maybe suggest that you and her just have a nice meal / lunch/ night out together separately vs going to the hen party. .I’m sure she will understand that it’s not easy for you . It might be a nice compromise to celebrate with her separately. I agree that the cost of £600 is a lot to find for a hen party so if you can’t afford it you should not feel bad about it. Just commit to not going and arrange something separate for you and your DS that is easier to you to manage.

Nah, not buying it. I think you want to organise it rather than enthusiastic Sharon.

Military men are great! You get to have a partner without them being under your feet half the time. It's one less person to cook, clean and run around after. You get the bed to yourself. You get to parent your children how you like. You get to look forward to seeing your DP rather than being fed up with him always being there. What's not to love about that??

OP what I would like you to take away from this thread is that you need to strengthen your communication skills.

Your 1st post doesn't adequately or concisely convey what's happened over the last few months which is why you have had to repeat your position on virtually every page of this thread.

Even your last chat with Sharon says you'd like to be there 'for the day' - is that even possible given all your commitments plus the cost?

You need to stop making 'positive' noises about the hen do when you it highly unlikely you can attend as these could be construed as you wanting to join in.

This thread (except the OP) is everything that is wrong with MN. So depressing.

OP, YANBU to pass on the hen weekend. Your sister will get over it. Your mum sounds awesome.

You are not being unreasonable.

If anything, Sharon is the unreasonable one. I would have expected a group to be set up with just the bridal party first to brainstorm and decide the details before adding in the other hens. You should have been part of the planning stages and not just informed at the same time as the rest of the group. It sounds like she took it well at the end though!?
Totally agree with the not being able to think about it back in October btw, no headspace for anything unnecessary until after Christmas!

But anyway, having read all of your posts I must say I can’t believe the crazy messages you have received about being selfish/patronising etc. Shocking altogether the amount of people saying you should just make more effort or just didn’t want to go…

Your mum is a legend, she’s hit the nail on the head, listen to her!

I don’t think your message is totally unreasonable but the comparison to your hen do/your wedding is unwarranted. If that is what you are really basing you inability to attend then that is poor. It’s your DS hen do it doesn’t relate to yours. Equally your comment about being too busy at Christmas demonstrates your level of priority of this which is fine, but I think you need to remember that this is going to be your DS’s priory and her MOH. I suppose it’s a case of if you want them to put themselves in your shoes, you need to put yourself in their shoes too. Can’t your DP’s help with child/animal care?

"If anything, Sharon is the unreasonable one. I would have expected a group to be set up with just the bridal party first to brainstorm and decide the details before adding in the other hens. You should have been part of the planning stages and not just informed at the same time as the rest of the group."

Fucking hell 🤣🤣

that’s really great for you but surely you realise that other families have different responsibilities finances and commitments?

well yes obviously but that’s not really what I asked. I’m trying to understand how you do holidays. 10 months notice is a fair amount of time. Do you save, not go, give yourself 2 years planning, what? Sharon have you fair notice as far as I can see but maybe you plan for a holiday much longer than 10 months in advance.

You say you go away in the October half term and then follow it with “don’t you?” like it’s odd that we wouldn’t….

I didn’t say don’t you. I said do you not do that. I know lots of people who go away then, that’s why holidays are more expensive in the half terms. It’s an entirely normal thing. I’m asking if you don’t, Ie - if you find Christmas so stressful for 3 months of the year maybe there is a better way to manage this so you could enjoy that break.

we clearly move in very different circles.

yes where messages/conversations don’t go ignored leading to potential fall outs.

I'm so surprised to see how many people are saying that you haven't tried, and your excuses are lame. I've got a lot of animals, ponies, donkeys, dogs, parrots, Guinea pigs and rabbits. I'm extremely lucky that my ex boyfriend lodges in my house (odd, but it works!). He looks after all my animals when I'm away, but I know my situation is rather unique. Without him, I'd be like you - unable to leave my animals for a weekend. I think the cost of your DS hen weekend also has to be considered - it's a lot of money! Then you've got the fact your DH won't be around! Honestly, I think you've got the best reasons as to why you might not be able to go. Have a word with your sis, maybe meet up and do something special just the two of you. It'll be memorable and affordable!

Honestly Op I would give up - most of the comments on here are batshit!

Batshit is suggesting someone old enough to take gcses (i.e. old enough to marry or join the army) needs mummy around to bring them snacks in order for poppet to be able to revise!

This is one of the most batshit threads ever. The comments are bonkers.

But OP you did choose to marry the head of the British Army and keep 500 unicorns in your back garden, so nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah. Or something.

You can’t marry or join the army at 15. There is SO MUCH BATSHITTERY on this thread.

Just waving off my 12 year old to her chimney sweeping job. She’s single handedly running the cattle ranch and bringing up her 6 little sisters. She’ll be fine for a few weeks whilst I go on a round
the world cruise for my Aunt’s niece’s cousin’s daughter’s hen do. £15k is a snip!

You might enjoy the irony of this OP: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4717242-to-be-posting-almost-exactly-the-same-thread-10-years-later

People who cannot afford to join in an event being told not to worry and that if they can't afford it then they are entirely within their rights to say no. Who knew eh?

Can this thread be added to classics? Just so that whenever I feel like I might be going slightly mental, I can come back here, read the batshit responses and remember I am actually saner than I think.

OP, if you ACTUALLY loved your sister, you wouldn't have eighteen elephants, six girrafes, and Dolly the sheep and all her clones in your back garden, WOULD YOU?????? How could you??? As for marrying a man in the forces, well...

(YANBU, btw)

I can't bear these twatty ££££ hen dos and that was before the cost of living. Weddings are enough of an ask of people to find money to attend without this nonsense.

YANBU.

"I've never understood why anyone gets involved in anyone (especially men) from the military. From experience they are not family people and can be prone to violence, but not only that, being away is not conducive to family life. There should be a rule that you can only be in the military if you're single. Honest to god, if my husband wanted to join the military I would divorce him. Not only character-wise would I not want to be associated with a person that does that, but it certainly is not compatible with family life at all. Is there any possibility of your DH getting a normal that suits the family he has? It doesn't help the topic, I know, but it makes my teeth itch whenever I see people involved with a military man. They're just not family compatible."

MN at its best!!!

Who are these people on here who think you are being selfish and taking the piss and letting people down and how it's fine to just spend nigh on a grand on a weekend away and find stand in animal sitters and baby sitters for just 100 for whole weekend wtf? Are u all from love Island? Any sane person can see that no you're not being in the slightest unreasonable it's not feasible you can't go and that's the end of it fucking hell some people...

Oh OP how you must regret marrying the leader of the free world what with his constant battling and absenceswhich is dashed inconvenient. And you bought a zoo! Why? So so selfish but wait!! You have 3 kids - set the little gits to work! Exams my ass! She’ll be fine on 15 mins of revision! How hard can it be?! Don’t forget to plant your money tree. You’re LOADED 💴💶💷💵💰

Fuck me, there are some weird comments on this thread! OP, glad you had a lovely chat with Sharon, think you sister will get over it. Came from a time when hen dos were a nice meal out or at the most an overnight in Brighton or somewhere seaside-y. This whole overseas weekend trend is utterly ridiculous - what a waste of fucking money. As someone who is a carer for an elderly parent and has animals, it is really hard to get away too, never mind the cost. Hope you got a chuckle out of some of the weirdness on here.