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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be posting almost exactly the same thread 10 years later?

62 replies

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/01/2023 21:11

Oh blimey here we go round again.

PIL significant wedding anniversary coming up next year.

They have two dc - my husband and his brother.

They have four gdc - we have two and bil has two, all very similar ages (19-23).

Pil have no spare money. They are pensioners on basic state pension, no savings, don't even own their own home.

Bil wants us all, all 10 adults of us, to go to a holiday cottage away to mark their anniversary.

Cost to Bil's family and our family will be £1500+ because PIL can't contribute at all and this would be our gift to them.

AIBU to say no to spending £1500 on their wedding anniversary? We have 0 in savings and tightening our belts massively due to utilities and mortgage increase and inflation. On paper we should be able to afford this but only if we give up the chance of having a summer holiday this year.

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 10/01/2023 21:16

Course you're not unreasonable.

It's their anniversary, which I'd important to THEM, and a nice thing to mark as a family, but certainly not worth disadvantaging everyone else over.

DH and BIL need to formulate an alternative, affordable adventure (day on a narrow boat? Lovely meal?) and offer that as an alternative in the grounds they just cannot afford the country cottage this year.

TheChosenTwo · 10/01/2023 21:19

Do you get on well?
Would your dc enjoy the time with their cousins?
If the answer to both of these are yes then I’d more than likely agree to this.
If not, I’d be less inclined but not discount the idea altogether.

BatshitBanshee · 10/01/2023 21:19

Nope - YANBU. I'd offer to put something towards PiL to have a nice break somewhere if I absolutely had to and put a cap on how much to contribute. Your family matters too.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 10/01/2023 21:19

I'd say no and suggest a narrow boat day out & a nice meal.

saveforthat · 10/01/2023 21:19

What happened 10 years ago? Did you pay for a big holiday then?

Maytodecember · 10/01/2023 21:20

If you can’t afford it that’s the end of it. I’m sure your Pil would be mortified that you went without your family holiday or struggled to pay the £1500 for their anniversary.
Can you arrange a nice lunch, or afternoon tea or just a day trip out somewhere all together ?

Craftybodger · 10/01/2023 21:21

Say no, it’s beyond your budget. Suggest they take them away as their celebration and you’ll do something else that will be within your budget.

Menomenon · 10/01/2023 21:22

No one is unreasonable - not them for suggesting it or you for saying No Can Do.

Howeverdoyouneedme · 10/01/2023 21:22

Not at all unreasonable. Take them out for dinner. The BIL can take them away.

Glitterandcard · 10/01/2023 21:22

No, I wouldn’t do it. I’d happily host a meal, go out for a nice meal or otherwise celebrate in some fashion but I wouldn’t regard a holiday as a proportionate celebration, especially if it was done for the previous anniversary.

EL8888 · 10/01/2023 21:23

saveforthat · 10/01/2023 21:19

What happened 10 years ago? Did you pay for a big holiday then?

This is what l want to know

But personally l think it’s a big ask and unreasonable. I wouldn’t expect people to not have a holiday just because I’ve been married X amount of years. Plus haven’t they had 10 years to save up to pay their own way?!

EVHead · 10/01/2023 21:29

That’s an obscene amount of money to spend by people with no savings, on people who don’t have much money. No way!

PermanentTemporary · 10/01/2023 21:34

Would it even be enjoyable??

What's wrong with a pub and a really big garden somewhere nice?

I'd be mortified if I thought my children were beggaring themselves for something like this.

If your BIL wants to take them away himself, I'm sure that would be lovely.

TerraNostra · 10/01/2023 21:38

Surely you learned something 10 years ago? What happened then??

YABU to mention 10 years ago then say absolutely nothing about how it all turned out last time!

LancelotsLeftArm · 10/01/2023 21:41

Tell them - you cannot afford it as your financial situation means you don't have a spare £1500.

They don't need to know details (they presumably don't have details of debts, income, other holiday commitments that have ring fenced spending).

You need to stand firm and not get drawn into defending this.

If they pry, you need to treat it harshly ("are you asking me to share all our financial details with you?!") Or as a joke ("gosh that sounds like you want to know all our financial details, of course you don't mean that") etc.

LordSugarTits · 10/01/2023 21:44

YANBU because you have no savings.

1983Louise · 10/01/2023 21:45

I'd say no to the holiday cottage and suggest a really nice treat for them. There's a lovely old manor house hotel near me that serves beautiful cream teas. It's a lovely afternoon out, you can add a glass or two of fizz, I'm sure it would be very special to them 😊there must be somewhere similar near you.

ijustneedanamefgs · 10/01/2023 21:50

If you can’t afford it and it would make things difficult for you of course you aren’t unreasonable to spend that money. You should not get into difficulty for it.
However I would trade a holiday to do it and have it as your holiday. I think a family trip away all together could be a lovely holiday and you do say it’s a very significant anniversary. How many more opportunities will you get to get the whole family together and would you do it if it was your side, assuming you had a good relationship with them?
What does your oh want to do?

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2023 21:56

Not unreasonable. A meal at a nice restaurant is the more usual celebration, surely! Does BIL normally like to be The Big I Am, flashing the cash?

whynotwhatknot · 10/01/2023 21:58

have never taken in laws away fro their anniversary nor my parents wither

a nice meal or day out but not a holiday

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/01/2023 22:02

What a bad use of money given they have no money at all. If you were going to spend so much, it would be far more useful just to give them the cash. Even you don't have the money to spare, you'd have to be crazy to spend anything on a holiday.

Newwardrobe · 10/01/2023 22:03

Tell bil you haven't got the money, suggest an alternative celebration that you can afford.
It really is that straight forward.

PrinnyPree · 10/01/2023 22:16

Could you arrange for them a night away in a nice hotel just the two of them, one of those ones that has dinner and breakfast included and might have a hot tub and go splits on that? Could be more like £150 each rather than £1500...

I also would balk at paying £1500 to celebrate my parents anniversary if it meant sacrificing my annual holiday budget to do it.

GabriellaMontez · 10/01/2023 22:21

Is BIL loaded? Or does he like pretending to be loaded?

If he is, he can pay.

If not, no! Why would you even entertain this amount of money?

VestaTilley · 10/01/2023 22:24

YANBU, but I’d do something nice for them instead - could you pay less and pay for the two of them to have a weekend away? Or all go out for a family meal?