I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Looks like Sharon and OP are both BR. Happy to see the update.

Sometimes I think the planners of these events get really excited in the early stages and then when the reality of costs plus logistics become clear, the hen dos seem overwhelming.

Over the top pre-wedding events don't guarantee a better time than a simple night out with friends.

I totally get it OP. I missed by best friends hen weekend. I could ill afford it, but u luckily had a friend to see to the animals abd ponies, and my parents to have the DC. Except my mum forgot and booked a holiday , that was that. I couldn't go.

I often miss nights out, I almost never go to a show, or weekend away. Single parent, and animals, even with my parents for help organising it all is often more trouble than it's worth.

I think all your reasons are valid but we all know that if you really wanted to go you would make it work. It’s fine that you don’t, you are under no obligation. I agree with you that you will have really killed the vibe on the WhatsApp group, you’ve have been better off calling your sister and talking it through with her (she’ll be well aware of your circumstances already and probably expecting you not to join!) and then just sending a short and cheery message to the group along the lines of “Unfortunately Im not going to be able to join the hen but hope you all have an amazing time, look forward to seeing you all at the wedding” (+ a bunch of over enthusiastic emoji's and then exiting the group leaving them to continue with their plans without hearing your list of reasons (excuses).

I’d stop worrying about it now. Talk to your sister and hopefully she’ll be understanding. It doesn’t matter what the rest of the hen group think of you now.

Also, the reason I can't afford to do lots of things, is because I have animals!

Overexplaining. No one will have cared for your reasons, you’re only really justifying it to yourself OP.

@crimbles
omg how can you compare bills and children to a hen weekend… absolutely does not compare. ITS A HEN weekend and as much as it’s important for many it’s not something that you should get into debt or end up stressed over for fear of upsetting people.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy regardless of when you start preparing for Christmas… others financially start a lot earlier than oct. I start planning in jul as I can’t afford to wait until oct to start saving and I’d rather not get into debt as I’ve been there and took me years to get out of.

Brides and their organisers often just think of themselves but it seems like you and your family were considered. Maybe not in the way you would have hoped but you haven’t been excluded. You don’t want to fall out with Sharon or get a reputation of being difficult-it will never be forgotten. I understand the timing is not great and the cost is a lot but sometimes we just have to grit our teeth and get on with it. Maybe you can pull back on some of the cost.

OP, people don’t get it. In your shoes I’d let Sharon know you can’t commit and then I’d let your sister know as well and why. Sharon doesn’t need to know the ins and outs for why you can’t make it. Those who can’t empathise with your personal situation obviously have no concept of the difficulties - don’t waste your breath.

Wow you’ve been given a hard time. Why should a hens do take it for granted that people (no matter how close to the bride) have the funds to do whatever the organiser or majority attending has/have.
there’s funds/logistics and to be fair so often a lot of people are putting on a facade of having fun when actually the group didn’t always mix that well in the first place. So if u were going to spend that money wouldn’t it be more real if yiu and your sister had a spa day, your treat, or something. Think you suggested this.As much as the bride is very important we are all just people with feelings so why would it be seen as fine to put a guest under that amount of pressure and make them worried, stressed? Is everything a test and the relationship down to weather one showed up. What if it was something you didn’t agree with (a hens do) must you spend what really puts extreme pressure on you just to show you care and make you not unpopular. I’m not against hen dos. Often lots of drama though and hangovers and besides being maybe being fun do they have to be so pricey!
some on here just want to intentionally misconstrue your words cos it’s not rocket science 500 kmaway,GCSE’s, not much cash to spend, no trustworthy child care. Yes you could have made a plan a gun to your head yes but really must it be so hard just to do what others have arranged. Good luck with the decision. I haven’t read everything so you might already be in a more comfortable space.

My sis in law (also bridesmaid) didn't come to my hen do because it was too far. 100 miles away and I offered to put her up. No DCs yet, no real reason just couldn't be arsed. 2 of my best friends travelled 200 miles to be there.
OP your reasons sound fine about why you can't commit to going but sounds like you want to and will try to be there for some of it.

"OP, people don’t get it. In your shoes I’d let Sharon know you can’t commit and then I’d let your sister know as well and why"

🤣yes but how long would you wait to let Sharon know and how many other random family members would you spend a few days musing it over with? Would Christmas have any impact on this if your decision was requested in, say, October?

I agree - absolutely, stunningly, batshit crazy!!

This may have been asked over the many pages so apologies and it’s not meant in a goady way but OP, how do you book holidays? We often go away in the October half term, do you not do that because of Christmas? Holidays take about the same amount of time to plan as Sharon gave it so I also don’t understand why you didn’t answer her properly then to save all this. It’s good it’s worked out but it could have been nipped in the bud without all the fuss and dragging your mum in to it.

I also have three children and no support, no one else ever looks after them, and we don’t find october to December so manic tbh.

OP I feel your pain, It just wouldn’t be my cup of tea, aside from the cost and logistics of going.

I got married 17 years ago and went out for a meal and a pub crawl… home before midnight. (I was pregnant!) even if I hadn’t been pregnant I wouldn’t have wanted all the fuss and cost. We had a fantastic night.

The kind of hen dos where people went away had started back then. The following year my friend got married and was put out that I didn’t go abroad in her hen do - I had a 6 month old and had no desire to leave them.
It’s fine if people want to do that. But it’s also fine if you don’t.

Omg we’re gonna need a second thread

@mymycherrypie that’s really great for you but surely you realise that other families have different responsibilities finances and commitments?

You say you go away in the October half term and then follow it with “don’t you?” like it’s odd that we wouldn’t….

I don’t know one single person around us who books to go on holiday in the Autumn half term, we clearly move in very different circles.

Extended hen/stag do's are all well and good if you don't have the challenges ofsort out, baby sitters, pet sitters, partners working away and no financial constraints.
My Stag was in the pub the evening before, it was easiest since friends were coming from many countries.
Personally I don't go to Stag do's any more unless local. I can't justify the expense for a boozy weekend of activities and would rather a family holiday or break.
It's great that you're keen to go for a day, Sharon needs to understand that others might have other commitments and challenge.

Oh OP. I don’t know why everyone on here is being so nasty!!…
people don’t understand that having a husband / partner who works away is very similar to being a single parent!!
I wouldn’t leave my daughter or pets with a teenager either!… nor an adult I didn’t know and trust with my own life…so basically my parents.. which as you’ve said live miles away..
Hen-do’s have become so OTT… what ever happened to a few drinks out and a meal with friends and family that could make it?!… I instantly decline invites to Hen do’s now as they’re so costly and normally full of drama!! My best friend got married, had a 3 night hen do… coaches to it etc, theme nights, apart from the cost I had no childcare and quite frankly didn’t want to dump her on someone for 3 nights anyway!! I also agree & wouldn’t leave my daughter during exams either…. Kids need consistency during stressful times!
I wouldn’t worry too much about the hen do…. I wouldn’t mention it again to anyone unless they bring it up… and even then I’d just say ‘I know, I’m gutted I can’t go, but I have lots going on and trying to cope alone. End of conversation!
All the mumsnet people saying they’d leave kids/dogs and horses with a teenager are irrelevant…. What they’re happy to do they shouldn’t expect others to do! My friends leave their kids all the time for a night out/dates etc… that’s their choice but I never would.
My cousin couldn’t make my wedding because she has dogs and horses and they need feeding several times a day… and dogs that need letting out etc… I wasn’t offended. She just came to the evening. It’s great if people can make your wedding/hen do etc… but my view is that the actual event is about 2 people and anyone else that makes it great, I don’t hold grudges against those who couldn’t come for any reason. I also think it’s unreasonable these days that everyone else is expected to cover the hens cost… yea I’d pay for a meal or a spa treatment while away but splitting everything?? Makes it unaffordable for so many!… as a hen I’d rather pay for myself and have more people be able to afford to come.
we split the cost of my friends but it was just a meal out and a dance after… when travel and hotels are added to that the hen should pay for her bloody self !

As above. I agree crazy people. Sorry OP that you had to suffer them and their delusions but seems MN normal/abnormal !! Enjoy the wedding!

This seems like a great outcome for all!

Hopefully now the key board warriors can stand down! Honestly baffled at some of the reasoning on here.

What?!? Why should she pay when she can’t afford to attend?! It’s disgusting that people arrange these huge events and expect people to fork out for a hen do they probably don’t really want to go to but feel ‘obliged to’… let alone then having to cover the hens contribution…. Yea sure buy her a meal or drinks while away but I wouldn’t agree to pay towards the accommodation and transport. We aren’t all made of money… especially if OP has horses, dogs and 3 kids to look after.

I am so glad this has worked out well OP. The replies in the 17% are as batshit as they are hilarious. The whole industry around hen and stag dos, weddings, milestone birthdays is staggering. I wouldn’t dream of putting anyone to the expense of a celebration on my account never mind one costing hundreds of pounds. It’s inconsiderate and unreasonable.

FWIW I absolutely would not be leaving a 15 year old who was about to start GCSEs and who might need moral support, snacks, etc etc

We have a dog and she’s a tie but no one has the right to tell us that we shouldn’t have her because she stops us going to events. It’s ridiculous for people to say you shouldn’t have animals when your sister might one day have wanted to to go to a hen do miles from home. A

Added to all that your DH is away. As I said upthread sort something out to do with your sister instead. You are definitely not being unreasonable and the vote shows that!

I voted YANBU because I don't know what has happened with having a night out at the pub? I would have said at the outset that I can only afford a night/or day out, that I will not commit to an entire stupid weekend. The hens nights these days last longer than the entire fucking wedding day! It's ridiculous.

However; don't you have a neighbour nearby that can pop in on your 15 year old and check things are going ok? And the kids can walk the dog (though in my country we just leave dried food out enough for a couple of days, or neighbours pop next door to top up food and water, the dogs are happy in their own backyard with kennel etc). Or a neighbour or older family friend stay with them.

I've never understood why anyone gets involved in anyone (especially men) from the military. From experience they are not family people and can be prone to violence, but not only that, being away is not conducive to family life. There should be a rule that you can only be in the military if you're single. Honest to god, if my husband wanted to join the military I would divorce him. Not only character-wise would I not want to be associated with a person that does that, but it certainly is not compatible with family life at all. Is there any possibility of your DH getting a normal that suits the family he has? It doesn't help the topic, I know, but it makes my teeth itch whenever I see people involved with a military man. They're just not family compatible.

You are not being unreasonable You have good REASONS not to go which are NOT excuses

I've voted YABU because you are making them out to BU When they areplanning a fairly standard hen weekend. Seriously, £600 is not expensive for a weekend away packed with activities.

It really doesnt sound like you can do anything anyway, what with animals, DH away & daughters exams. It doesn't really matter what they arranged does it?

YANBU not to go, but Sharon is NBU either.