Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

100 replies

Dixie2016 · 08/01/2023 20:53

DH is a terrible snorer and breaths loudly at night - something he denies despite videos etc. I am a very light sleeper.

DH claims to need the TV on to be able to fall asleep. I would never be able to sleep with a TV going so most nights he ends up falling asleep in front of the TV downstairs.

He then comes to bed at whatever time he wakes up - 3/4/5 am typically. Invariably this wakes me and I am someone who struggles to drop back off. Especially as he will then start snoring or heavy breathing next to me. I end up reading on my phone to stop from lying there focussing on the noise and if I’m lucky I will fall asleep again. DH seems to think that it’s me reading on my phone that is causing the issue and that I should “just go to sleep” even if he’s snoring.

Because this has caused such contention between us he has ended up in the spare room most nights. This weekend we had guests so he has slept in bed with me. Last night he woke me at 4.30 when he came to bed and every time I started to drop back to sleep he’d either snore or do this weird kind of lip blowing pffftttt noise. This meant I couldn’t get back to sleep and so have been exhausted all day.

Our guests have gone but he is insisting he won’t be going to the spare room tonight. I should just “go the fuck to sleep”. He’s telling me that if I want an undisturbed night I can be the one to sleep in the spare room. This leaves our bed empty pretty much all night just so he can go to it at whatever ridiculous time he wakes on the sofa. Is that a reasonable demand from him?

For avoidance of drip feeding I have to work in the office tomorrow so will be up first thing and getting ready in our bedroom. He’s at home so will get up just in time to throw clothes on and take our children to school.

OP posts:
Silverpining · 08/01/2023 20:55

Well why can’t you sleep in the spare room?

Just start taking it in turns, really doesn’t need to be made into a big deal, you’re both tired.

pelargoniums · 08/01/2023 20:55

Just sleep in the spare room permanently, problem solved. Make it nice, make it YOUR room. He can sleep on the sofa or put a tv in the other bedroom - who cares, you’re asleep elsewhere.

ChickenAndHamPie · 08/01/2023 20:58

Feck him. He needs to
a. sort his snoring out and
b. learn to go to sleep without the Tele on or as he phrases it himself “just go to sleep”.
Got some feckin nerve saying that to you when he's whining about "needing the Tele on".

OhmygodDont · 08/01/2023 20:59

Smother him in his sleep…. Only kinda joking.

If he doesn’t wanted to be in the spare room though there isn’t anything you can do other than I’d do up the sore room as MY room get it just how I want. No more guest room it’s MY bedroom.

AnxiousPancreas · 08/01/2023 21:01

I don’t see why you can’t sleep in the spare room. It’s his bed too and he is just as entitled to him as you are. I’d expect him to make an effort to sort his snoring if he wishes to share a bed with you but, equally, you could put in earplugs. Neither of you are trying to resolve the issue so I don’t see why your desire to have the main bedroom trumps his desire. My DDad snores horrifically so my parents have separate bedrooms now and it works brilliantly for them. They rowed non-stop until they sorted it out.

You both have incompatible sleeping preferences and you’re both entitled to them. You should share the bedroom.

thunderstruckk · 08/01/2023 21:01

Can he try going to sleep with one of those headband headphones (so no bits to get stuck in your ear?). Reading on your phone won't help either with the blue light and stimulation.

I think it's rude he falls asleep in-front of the tv then comes to wake you up by getting into bed at silly o'clock in the morning! He should be working on being able to get to sleep without the tv for a starter.

Not much you can do if he's refusing the spare room, but as PP have said - take it and make it an amazing comfy room for you!

daybroke · 08/01/2023 21:01

Can you read a book rather than phone? And alternate nights in the spare room if you don't want to move in there yourself?

AmazonsFuckedUpFreeMusicFeature · 08/01/2023 21:01

Separate bedrooms ar a bliss. We like each other much more now we both get good sleep (normally wakimg each other up with different sleep issues)

RandomMess · 08/01/2023 21:02

I would rather sleep in the spare room that with him.

parrotonthesofa · 08/01/2023 21:04

I agree with you that he should be the one to go in the spare in that he is the one disturbing you who is already asleep. But I'm not sure I could be bothered to make a big thing about it. As pour say, just make the spare room nice and then it's not the spare room any more, it's your room, problem solved! I wouldn't really care as long as I wasn't getting disturbed.

Xrays · 08/01/2023 21:05

Claim the spare room. Redecorate it if you like. Get a really nice bed. Leave the noisy fucker to breathe like a walrus all night on his own permanently.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/01/2023 21:05

He is being a bit weird. How can he 'deny' he snores- is he saying you are lying? To what end? How can he tell you to 'go the fuck to sleep' when he can't 'go the fuck to sleep' without the tv on?

Saying that, have you tried anything like ear plugs, white noise, meditation apps etc? Is there a reason why you don't want to sleep in the spare room?

lifeinthehills · 08/01/2023 21:06

I'd permanently make the guest room my room. I'd make it own cosy nook. If that means no guest room available, so be it. Disrupted sleep is awful, especially on an ongoing basis.

SunshineAndFizz · 08/01/2023 21:07

If you go to bed first then just claim the main bed?

If it's a better bed/room etc I don't see why he should sleep there if he's on the sofa much of the night.

Velvetbee · 08/01/2023 21:07

Take over the spare room, surround yourself with stuff you like and make it your sanctuary.
We’ve had separate rooms for a couple of years now and both sleep better, I’d never go back.

NameChagaiiiin · 08/01/2023 21:07

Sleep in the spare room and be sure to make plenty of noise when you're getting ready for work.

If he moans, tell him to get the fuck back to sleep.

No lie, I broke up with an ex due to snoring and his refusal to do anything about it. I can actually handle very little sleep (many years of shift work and anti social hours). But. I cannot tolerate snoring.

My DH has slept on our daughters floor before after I've kicked him out the bed 🤣🤣🤣

BabyOnBoard90 · 08/01/2023 21:07

You both sound unreasonable

Parrotid · 08/01/2023 21:08

This isn’t about snoring.

Make him read that article about the man whose wife divorced him because he left dishes by the sink.

He isn’t hearing you.

TwoPointFourCatsAndDogs · 08/01/2023 21:08

I’d love to sleep in the spare room.

FfayeN · 08/01/2023 21:11

I wear ear plugs...absolute life savers xx

GreenManalishi · 08/01/2023 21:13

spare room your new bedroom

sod the belligerent walrus, let him leave his arse print on the sofa and go to bed whatever time he likes, you'll be elsewhere in peace

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 08/01/2023 21:13

Our spare room is a box room that’s also used as an office so not really possible to make it into my own room. The single bed is comfy enough for the odd night ( or couple of hours after the sofa!) and I do end up in there sometimes. If I go out then DH will watch TV in our bed so I will go to the spare bed when I get home.
I just don’t see why I’d go there every night leaving our nice big bed empty until he wakes up and decamps there when the nights coming to an end.
Also to add he has this stupid thing whereby us not sharing a bed is apparently terrible for our marriage, despite the fact that he keeps me awake and I spend the next day plotting his demise!

Someone asked if I could read a book instead of my phone. That would mean turning a light on which would disturb him and I couldn’t fall asleep with it on. I usually read on my phone until I can’t keep my eyes open. I don’t find the phone causes me any problems. It’s the being woken up and then the noise from him that’s the problem. If I don’t read I find myself tense and on edge waiting for his next breath.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 08/01/2023 21:14

What has your bedroom got that the spare room hasn’t? Whatever it is, I’d take it with me and move into the spare room permanently.

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 08/01/2023 21:16

SunshineAndFizz · 08/01/2023 21:07

If you go to bed first then just claim the main bed?

If it's a better bed/room etc I don't see why he should sleep there if he's on the sofa much of the night.

Exactly my thinking!
I wear earplugs every single night already and have an air purifier next to the bed that I sometimes use to try and drown him out. It doesn’t work though so that tells you how loud he can be!

OP posts:
FfayeN · 08/01/2023 21:17

Wear earplugs and insist that DH is quiet if he's going to fall asleep downstairs and then come to bed. I have a similar situation and DH would always take his belt and jeans off in the bedroom. Made my blood boil. He knows now to do it in the bathroom and then slinky into bed, it did take a couple of months though and me returning the favour to prove the point.
If you're worried about the DC wear one earplug on the side that's uppermost. That way when you turn in your sleep you're more likely to hear them if they're at that age.