AIBU or is DH?

[Dixie2016]

DH is a terrible snorer and breaths loudly at night - something he denies despite videos etc. I am a very light sleeper.

DH claims to need the TV on to be able to fall asleep. I would never be able to sleep with a TV going so most nights he ends up falling asleep in front of the TV downstairs.

He then comes to bed at whatever time he wakes up - 3/4/5 am typically. Invariably this wakes me and I am someone who struggles to drop back off. Especially as he will then start snoring or heavy breathing next to me. I end up reading on my phone to stop from lying there focussing on the noise and if I’m lucky I will fall asleep again. DH seems to think that it’s me reading on my phone that is causing the issue and that I should “just go to sleep” even if he’s snoring.

Because this has caused such contention between us he has ended up in the spare room most nights. This weekend we had guests so he has slept in bed with me. Last night he woke me at 4.30 when he came to bed and every time I started to drop back to sleep he’d either snore or do this weird kind of lip blowing pffftttt noise. This meant I couldn’t get back to sleep and so have been exhausted all day.

Our guests have gone but he is insisting he won’t be going to the spare room tonight. I should just “go the fuck to sleep”. He’s telling me that if I want an undisturbed night I can be the one to sleep in the spare room. This leaves our bed empty pretty much all night just so he can go to it at whatever ridiculous time he wakes on the sofa. Is that a reasonable demand from him?

For avoidance of drip feeding I have to work in the office tomorrow so will be up first thing and getting ready in our bedroom. He’s at home so will get up just in time to throw clothes on and take our children to school.

You need separate rooms.

It would be fair that you alternate the days of who sleeps in the single bed.

Whoever is sleeping in the single room that night needs to take their things for the morning and get ready for work in there too.

This issue is going to end your marriage already.
I can’t see how sleeping in separate beds would make it any worse.

YANBU. He’s being selfish.

If he’s keeping you awake, wake him. Every sound, every snore. He’ll soon get sick of it and leave.

What were his symptoms? The lip blowing thing my DH does did make me wonder if there was something like this going on.
I’ve recorded him before and our kids have told him he snores - he knows he does but won’t admit it.

My DH also is a horrible snorer- deviated septum for which he has had two rhinoplasties one on NHS and one private but it did not solve the snoring at all. He’s had three sleep tests come up with no sleep apnea and recommendations (first was to have the rhinoplasty) and he’s tried everything. Breathe right strips, losing three stone, different pillows, nasal spray, a custom mouth guard, dehumidifier, humidifier, different sleeping temps, different sleep positions, Sudafed tablets. So, word of caution, snoring can’t always be sorted.

This went on for years with me suffering most of the night every night unable to sleep. I’d nudge him to roll over and he’d get angry at being woken up and then he’d get afraid to fall back asleep because he didn’t want to snore. So we tossed and turned through the night and then we’re like the walking dead in the daytime.

We also thought the myth of you must sleep together as a couple or your relationship is doomed to fail was true. So we clung on too hard I think. Eventually, we agreed we had to figure out a way to have our own bedrooms.

We moved the teen DC into the master bedroom and we then took over the other two bedrooms. DH’s room is bigger than mine as he has the closet with both our hanging clothes. But that was only because my long low chest of drawers wouldn’t fit in that room due to the chimney breast. I have a 9ftx6ft room with a small double, chest of drawers and night stand and couldn’t be happier. My rooms faces south and I’m a curtains open girl so love being able to have the morning light wake me up. I love bright sunlight in my bedroom. DHs room faces north and is always shady, dark and cool in summer which he loves and he’s a curtains closed at night person. He has a small double bed, chest of drawers, night stand and a chair for clothes.

He also prefers brushed cotton sheets and I like crisp regular cotton. And his colour choices are not to my taste either. He also tends to starfish and has accidentally kicked me a few times in his sleep being a tall man.

So all these things we compromised on for years, and didn’t mind, we now can have our way! And we both get really good restful sleep. The small doubles mean we still visit each other for sex and can have a cuddle or relax together in bed comfortably on an evening. But when it’s time to sleep, easy to go our separate ways.

So, I would strongly advise that the best way forward is to find a way to have your own bedrooms. I don’t know what you have to work with, other than master and box room- any other rooms? A dining room? Loft conversion?

Sleeping in separate bedrooms saved our marriage…

This isn't your only issue with him, is it OP? Someone so selfish over sleeping arrangements isn't going to be a saint personified in other areas of your lives.

May be time to think about separate houses, let alone separate bedrooms.

Make the spare room your own. Move the office into the main bedroom.

I feel angry for you! If he gets it bed with you wake him up every time he snores, why should he get a cosy night when he is making the racket. It might encourage him to do something about it. my dp snores and because it’s him making the noise he sees it as his responsibility to leave the bed.

Claim the spare room as your own..do it to your own taste, make it mega comfortable and let him do his own thing. I'd never go back to sharing a bedroom me. Even though my bloke went to the sleep clinic and got the CPAP. Snorers who don't sort it are selfish fuckers when they tell you to just put up with it.

Just “go the fuck to sleep”? He talks to you like that? I’m furious on your behalf. I am occasionally a snorer and would never say that to my DH, instead I sympathise, quietly put up with the complaints about broken sleep and do my best to stop it (eg sleeping propped up on pillows and sticking to one glass of wine with dinner instead of two). Why can’t he just “go the fuck to sleep” instead of needing the tv to be lulled to sleep like a fucking child? Sorry but the fact that you’re married to a cunt is a bigger problem than the fact that it snores.

@HashBrownandBeans I don’t understand, how can he not admit it if there’s video evidence? Does he think it’s a fiction? Do you wake him up every time he starts snoring? I have so many questions.

I just don’t see why I’d go there every night leaving our nice big bed empty until he wakes up and decamps there when the nights coming to an end.

Because surely he’d just watch tv in bed the nights it’s your turn to sleep in the spare room, like he does when you are away. So it wouldn’t be empty would it.

Is the snoring a new issue or have you married despite not being capable of sharing a bad?

I wouldn’t make hasty decisions about divorce when both partners are massively sleep deprived and sleep deprivation is known to make you into an irritable bell end of a person. Both OP and her DH sound sleep deprived, he cannot be sleeping well on the sofa half the night and I think he’s partially doing that so OP gets a few hours uninterrupted sleep before he goes up to bed.

Just “go the fuck to sleep”? He talks to you like that?

Ive said worse to my DH out of pure desperation on a night during the years we were struggling with the snoring. When you’re in the middle of this, you are operating on so little sleep that your temper is frayed.

This.

I really feel for you! DH is similar except he goes to bed early. I'm a light sleeper and he sleeps like a log, nothing disturbs him. But when he has things on his mind he can be very restless. He also snores a lot, goes for a pee (very loudly in the ensuite) at least once a night, yawns, sighs, sniffs etc. He sometimes gets indigestion (because he won't look at his diet) which is gross.

If I have a cold I sleep in the spare room so I can sniff and snore without worrying about disturbing him. If he has a cold I sleep in the spare room so I can get some sleep! If he disturbs me in the night I move to the spare room some time as he's incapable of lying still.

The spare room is really un-soundproof . It's above the kitchen and he wakes me up as he starts work earlier than I do. The boiler wakes me when it fires up and the catflap bangs. I have tried so many times to get DH to take his turn there so I can get a decent night's sleep, but he refuses as 'it's my problem I can't sleep'.

Men!!!!

How does he snore? Does he stop breathing for a bit then let out a huge snoring noise? Is he overweight, or drinks a lot, or both? Sleep apnea is dangerous for his health. Dose he drive a lot? Does he fall asleep I. The day?

He sounds annoying. I'm assuming he gets up after you?

After his last comment, I'd be tempted to buy a personal alarm or similar device, pull the pin out when you get up and chuck the thing in a hard-to-find area in your bedroom (maybe a box under the bed?) and then leave the room before he's fully awake and plead ignorance.

“Men!!!!”

Hate to break it to you but they’re really not all like this.

But he'd still wake her up when he came to bed.

I was going to suggest this.

Since it's a box room and small, the office set up needs to go in the bedroom since it's larger.

Why would he? If she goes to bed first she gets the main bed… so when he came to hed go straight to the spare room and not wake her up.

Tell him to 'go the fuck asleep' without the help of the TV and stop waking you up. This would seriously piss me off.

Maybe he should try going 'the fuck to sleep' without the TV as a sleep aid.

Wake him up when he snores.

Do not read on your phone, that would be making things worse. Put on a podcast or a sleep meditation.

Is your DH fat? He should see a doctor about his snoring.

Can't believe he thinks sleeping in separate rooms is bad for your marriage, but ignoring your basic physical needs and swearing at you is apparently ok. What a Prince.

Ridiculous that you should leave the main bedroom empty just for him to stumble in at 5am. He should stay on the couch or end the night in the spare room.

Sleep in the spare room, peacefully, all night, let him sleep all night without recriminations
ie solve the problem instead of being tired and cross and having arguments.

so he wakes he rup snoring wakes her up coming to bed in the early hours but op should be the one to move to the spare room?

oh lets not forget he swears at her to fucking go to sleep