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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

100 replies

Dixie2016 · 08/01/2023 20:53

DH is a terrible snorer and breaths loudly at night - something he denies despite videos etc. I am a very light sleeper.

DH claims to need the TV on to be able to fall asleep. I would never be able to sleep with a TV going so most nights he ends up falling asleep in front of the TV downstairs.

He then comes to bed at whatever time he wakes up - 3/4/5 am typically. Invariably this wakes me and I am someone who struggles to drop back off. Especially as he will then start snoring or heavy breathing next to me. I end up reading on my phone to stop from lying there focussing on the noise and if I’m lucky I will fall asleep again. DH seems to think that it’s me reading on my phone that is causing the issue and that I should “just go to sleep” even if he’s snoring.

Because this has caused such contention between us he has ended up in the spare room most nights. This weekend we had guests so he has slept in bed with me. Last night he woke me at 4.30 when he came to bed and every time I started to drop back to sleep he’d either snore or do this weird kind of lip blowing pffftttt noise. This meant I couldn’t get back to sleep and so have been exhausted all day.

Our guests have gone but he is insisting he won’t be going to the spare room tonight. I should just “go the fuck to sleep”. He’s telling me that if I want an undisturbed night I can be the one to sleep in the spare room. This leaves our bed empty pretty much all night just so he can go to it at whatever ridiculous time he wakes on the sofa. Is that a reasonable demand from him?

For avoidance of drip feeding I have to work in the office tomorrow so will be up first thing and getting ready in our bedroom. He’s at home so will get up just in time to throw clothes on and take our children to school.

OP posts:
RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 08/01/2023 21:18

Bose sleep phones. Pricey, but you won't hear him and they allow you to set an alarm.

Kindle paper white allows you to read with light off.

FfayeN · 08/01/2023 21:19

Just seen your update. If you're already wearing earplugs and have white noise...he needs to Buck his ideas up! Do you wake earlier than him? I wouldn't be so courteous getting up and wake him up...he'll hopefully soon see the smoother path to a good nights sleep!

CalistoNoSolo · 08/01/2023 21:20

My ex husbands snoring killed our marriage. He refused to do anything, I slept in the spare room more and more until we weren't sleeping together at all. By that stage I realised that even if he sorted the snoring I didn't want to sleep with him ever again anyway so we split up. There was more to it than just snoring but that was the very powerful catalyst.

Your dh sounds like a selfish nob too, do you want to stay married to him?

SmileWithADimple · 08/01/2023 21:21

Get a back-lit kindle so you can read without turning on the light? I think he's being unreasonable in some ways but he's right that looking at your phone won't help you get back to sleep.

roarfeckingroarr · 08/01/2023 21:22

YANBU. He is. He needs to tackle his snoring and just go TF to sleep without the tv.

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 08/01/2023 21:23

RaiseTheStakesAndMakeTheLastWordDuckhead · 08/01/2023 21:18

Bose sleep phones. Pricey, but you won't hear him and they allow you to set an alarm.

Kindle paper white allows you to read with light off.

Thanks these look promising! Price really no issue at this point.

OP posts:
CockSpadget · 08/01/2023 21:23

Yanbu. He needs to seek help/advice for his snoring, instead of being in denial. And he is a CF for putting himself as the priority for the best bed, when he is only in it half of the night.

Paq · 08/01/2023 21:24

Get a comfier bed for the spare room and sleep there. Honestly, he sounds like a selfish prick so once you are nicely rested you can plan your divorce.

Unicorndreams24 · 08/01/2023 21:40

YANBI, me and my partner have slept in Seperate rooms now for years because of his snoring it's that bad!!
If he sleeps the majority of the night on the sofa then he should just go in the spare room?
It doesn't sound like he's making an effort to get it sorted either so untill then spare room it is.
I can't stand snoring , I've loved with it for years so I understand😩 .

kirwanco · 08/01/2023 21:42

You’re the one who has the problem with him, not him with you so the spare room awaits you! We can’t be entitled and have it all!

ClaudiusTheGod · 08/01/2023 21:43

kirwanco · 08/01/2023 21:42

You’re the one who has the problem with him, not him with you so the spare room awaits you! We can’t be entitled and have it all!

He snores like a pig, tells his wife to go the fuck to sleep and you’re blaming the OP? Jeez? Are you the husband?

bonzaitree · 08/01/2023 21:44

My OH snores very badly. We sleep in separate rooms. It’s pure bliss!

Remember OP that sleep deprivation is a method of torture. It’s terrible for your long term health.

Do NOT accept this. It’s not ok!

Clear out the spare room- it isn’t an office any more! If the old bed is acceptable give it away for free. Take old crap to the tip or hire a skip. Order yourself a lovely new bed, duvet, pillows, bed spread etc. Paint it a colour YOU like. Get a nice bedside table and lamp. Get your bits and bobs in there. Make it a delightful haven for you! Candles etc - whatever you like.

Rethink the husband. Would you be happier single? Seems like he is pretty inconsiderate to your basic needs.

think about it after a good nights rest.

kirwanco · 08/01/2023 21:46

If I have a problem with someone, I don’t expect them to solve it. I was seated next to a noisy table in a restaurant recently. I didn’t demand they be moved, I asked if I could move.

KangarooKenny · 08/01/2023 21:46

Whoever goes to bed first gets the main bed.

ily0 · 08/01/2023 21:49

I might have missed this but do you have a spare room? Could he sleep on a sofa bed in the living room? I’m surprised ear plugs don’t work for you as they block everything out for me

Parrotid · 08/01/2023 21:49

My ex snored. Like a pig in a war. It was as unreasonable and as disturbing as if he wet the bed, frankly. @kirwanco should the OP just suck it up? At what point is the other person unreasonable?

(I’m guessing you snore like a petrol mower…)

ily0 · 08/01/2023 21:50

Sorry I skim read, yes he should stay in spare room, or you could move in there.

HashBrownandBeans · 08/01/2023 21:51

Get him tested for sleep apnea. My DH wears a mask to bed now and it’s wonderful

piedbeauty · 08/01/2023 21:51

I'd encourage him to improve his sleep hygiene so he can get to sleep without the TV! That's ridiculous, and means his sleep is broken every night.

He needs to go to the GP re his snoring. If he doesn't believe you, record him one night!

ily0 · 08/01/2023 21:51

kirwanco · 08/01/2023 21:46

If I have a problem with someone, I don’t expect them to solve it. I was seated next to a noisy table in a restaurant recently. I didn’t demand they be moved, I asked if I could move.

This is a bit different. You probably didn’t have the guts to confront a table full of strangers, you aren’t a selfless martyr. This is a marital dispute so it’s a bit different.

MintyPrincess · 08/01/2023 21:52

My parents have slept in different rooms ever since me and db moved out over 20 years ago due to my dm snoring.They both get a good night's sleep.

kirwanco · 08/01/2023 21:53

The OP knows where the spare room is. It sounds like these two people are incompatible and should get a divorce, then there will be separate rooms all around.

pawprintseverywhere · 08/01/2023 21:53

I'd be making the spare room my room tbh. My DH is also a massive snorer but we have no spare room. Thankfully he dosnt take the attitude of your DH ie staying downstairs ect , we goto bed at the same time but he always falls asleep before me and snoring within 10 min as he as a 5am start for work. Usually a well timed kick or pulling his pillow away stops him for 15 min or so when im ready to drop off. Have you tried breathe right strips on him?

Treacletoots · 08/01/2023 21:58

My ex used to do this exact thing. He'd fall asleep on the sofa and then come to bed at 3 or 4 in the morning and always, always woke me up.

He didn't care. He didn't give a shit that I was exhausted, he was a selfish narcissistic prick and I am glad I divorced him.

This isn't about snoring. It's about your needs being ignored intentionally by the person who is supposed to improve your life. He won't change because he doesnt care. Let that sink in. The only way to get rid of this selfish snoring walrus is to divorce him. You won't regret it.

P.s. his surname doesn't start with a K does it?

Freddiesextrateeth · 08/01/2023 22:04

My ex used to do the same. I realised he woke up due to being cold so I always covered him with a blanket and set the heating to stay on in that room, although I understand a bit more difficult now with costs rising. He'd sleep through till the morning then. I was also considering a way to make his side of the bed very uncomfortable, perhaps you could put something slightly lumpy/sharp under his sheets 🤷‍♀️. I didn't have the option of a spare room, so it was that or he'd end up sleeping under the patio.