AIBU or is DH?

[Dixie2016]

DH is a terrible snorer and breaths loudly at night - something he denies despite videos etc. I am a very light sleeper.

DH claims to need the TV on to be able to fall asleep. I would never be able to sleep with a TV going so most nights he ends up falling asleep in front of the TV downstairs.

He then comes to bed at whatever time he wakes up - 3/4/5 am typically. Invariably this wakes me and I am someone who struggles to drop back off. Especially as he will then start snoring or heavy breathing next to me. I end up reading on my phone to stop from lying there focussing on the noise and if I’m lucky I will fall asleep again. DH seems to think that it’s me reading on my phone that is causing the issue and that I should “just go to sleep” even if he’s snoring.

Because this has caused such contention between us he has ended up in the spare room most nights. This weekend we had guests so he has slept in bed with me. Last night he woke me at 4.30 when he came to bed and every time I started to drop back to sleep he’d either snore or do this weird kind of lip blowing pffftttt noise. This meant I couldn’t get back to sleep and so have been exhausted all day.

Our guests have gone but he is insisting he won’t be going to the spare room tonight. I should just “go the fuck to sleep”. He’s telling me that if I want an undisturbed night I can be the one to sleep in the spare room. This leaves our bed empty pretty much all night just so he can go to it at whatever ridiculous time he wakes on the sofa. Is that a reasonable demand from him?

For avoidance of drip feeding I have to work in the office tomorrow so will be up first thing and getting ready in our bedroom. He’s at home so will get up just in time to throw clothes on and take our children to school.

I have sleep apnoea. I have a CPAP which sorted the snoring overnight.

Its utterly selfish to refuse to get help for it.

YANBU - this would enrage me. Not only does he disturb you but he dismisses your feelings about your disturbed sleep. Seems to me the spare room is a longterm option but who's room will it become? I'd be willing to take the it but I sure would make it to my liking and it would be a no go zone ie MY room. The marital double bedroom however would be for you to use for wardrobes etc....and if you felt like joining him . You might find that after a few decent nights sleep your a new woman.

If the spare room is so much smaller than the master bedroom, the obvious solution would be to move the office setup into the master bedroom, thus leaving space to kit out the box room in a more comfy manner. If that means downsizing the main bed, so be it. You could even give him a choice on which room he prefers!

Seriously, if he can't be bothered to sort out the snoring - sleep lab level of sorting out - AND behaves like an inconsiderate teenager, there's no way I would contemplate sharing rooms. Don't get women who can do ear plugs longterm - my eardrums start to hurt after just one night if them in!

But it sounds like there may be more issues in the marriage than just the snoring.

Why do you need an office?
If it were me, I’d move the office into “his” room and buy a luxury double bed for the spare room and move into it. If he wants to share a bed because otherwise “it’s bad for the marriage” he can sort his snoring out and stop acting like a prick then can’t he?

I have VERY strong feelings about this thanks to my own experience. It took 17 years of this kind of utter selfishness for me to insist on marriage guidance counselling. He didn’t want me sleeping elsewhere. He didn’t want a sleep study because a cpap machine (like everyone else in his family wears) wouldn’t make him feel “sexy”… No amount of crying because I was exhausted was working. I was going to leave. I had played him recordings, etc. to no avail.

During marriage counselling I played the recordings and the let him know the average volume in decibels. I found things that were the same volume like banned Fisher Price Toys, Planes taking off in the fog at dawn, and a church that was fined for playing unsociable loud Christian rock music AFTER being soundproofed. THEN my ace in the hole was the United Nations Treatise on sleep deprivation as form of torture. Proving that what he was expecting wasn’t just irrational and abusive, it was fucking illegal.

He had his sleep study and was horrified to discover that he has an average of 46 episodes of sleep apnoea per hour and now the cpap machine goes everywhere. He admits that he feels much better with it. (Also a lot of men in his family died of sudden cardiac events very young, and maybe that’s why!)

Yeah I'd find that deeply unattractive. I agree I'd take over the spare room. He thinks you sleeping apart damages your marriage ? Well it's up to HIM to fix the issue isn't it, it's not up to you to just put up with it.

I also read to sleep on my phone and it's changed my life - I used to struggle so much to go to sleep but no longer ! Lots of people say that screens prevent you from falling asleep but in my case it's definitely the opposite.

But yeah, you don't control what he does, only what you do, so your choices are as follows :

• Install a lock on the door and lock yourself in, so he has no choice but use the spare room
• Switch the double bed for a single bed so there's no space for him, as a small hint that his presence at night is not desired
• Move to the spare room and make it your own, if you're only there at night it doesn't need to be big. As he has no issue waking you at 3am I'd have zero issues waking him at 6am when you need to get dressed. Personally I'd do that as it gives you back control of your space.

If he's not happy about whatever you choose to do, I'd tell him that he can get medical help or sleep elsewhere, his choice.

If I stayed in the main room and he kept waking me up, I'd kick him awake every time he snored me awake. Every single time.

With people like that who are so inconsiderate the only options are to take the decision out of their hands and/or make it their problem (that impacts them first and foremost) to solve.

Sleep in another room all the time; ideally he would but he sounds very selfish so it’ll be you that has to move to the spare room

I have no advice OPbut as somebody who also lives with a prolific snorer who refuses to accept they have a problem... I can empathise!

No, he then gets the spare.

Who uses the office at home? Is it in permanent use? If not put the office or desk into the main bedroom or corner of the dining room etc and turn the spare into your bedroom.

If he mentions not sleeping together is bad for the marriage, tell him that his snoring is worse, and it's his call, sort his snoring out or separate bedrooms. Ball is in his court.

Oh and to add, don't spare his sleep, if you need to turn a light on, turn it on, the same for noise with dc or reading lights. If he's going to be selfish then give him a taste of his own medicine. If he moans, tell him to just 'go back to sleep, or sleep through it' because he seems to think it's that simple

It’s called gaslighting.

Or denial.

Yup. I also don't snore. Ever. .........

Not everything is gaslighting contrary to popular belief here (luckily!)

Every single guy I’ve dated in the past…13 years has snored the house down and ruined my sleep. And every single one of them either denied that they snored or threw their hands up saying there was nothing they could do about it. Then blamed me for not being happy about it.

The last guy got extremely angry when I nudged him awake every time he started snoring. He refused to sleep on his side and then he put earplugs in so that I didn’t disturb him. That was our first and last time together.

Perhaps it’s just denial but the bottom line is he’s not concerned about you. I confess I’m a bit biased because I’m so sick of men who are inconsiderate, uncaring and refusing to do anything about it. And if it’s to the point of denying evidence of it, that’s an extreme version of that imo.

This was exactly our situation, I can't sleep through DHs noises and he refuses to get himself down to the dr to see if anything can be done.

He's been permanently in the spare room for about 4 years. My reasoning is that he's the one keeping us both awake (I poke / turn him to stop him snoring) and he is the only one who can potentially do something about it. If he chooses not to then he can sleep in the spare room!

On holiday etc we share a bed and are both like zombies after a few days...

I mean… I’m glad you got that evidence together but why didn’t your DH listen when you said you were struggling to sleep due to his snoring?

you shouldn’t need to argue your case like a barrister at a murder trial to get him to listen.

Would it be reasonable to elbow him every time he snores or snorts and if he complains, tell him to "just go the fuck to sleep!"? That's about as reasonable as he is being.

It doesn't seem that he's going to change his behavour so you are going to need to change things. I'd say that you no longer have an office, that needs to be one of your bedrooms, as if this goes the way it's currently going you both stand to face more upheval than moving the computer desk.

i thin this is more than the snoring now hes nasty

Oh my goodness, you have just described my and DH's sleep habits exactly 😂He is a big snorer and falls asleep very easily, enjoying having the telly on until he goes to sleep. I like to read on my phone for a while and then require pitch black silence for sleep. This has led us into the same pattern as you- I go up early, he follows and tries not to make noise but does generally wake me up.
To be honest, we've been together 20 years and I can't see it ever changing, we used to get really snippy at each other about it but, ultimately, he's unconscious when he snores and can't help it, I'm a light sleeper and can't help it.

We don't have a spare room, but when it all gets a bit much one or the other of us will sleep on the fold out bed downstairs for a few days (I also use the 'one ear plug method' mentioned in another reply). I don't know how helpful it is but you may need to both make your peace with it. Sleeping in the spare room doesn't necessarily mean you are less intimate or that you love each other any less. It's understandably frustrating that this issue doesn't really have a moral right or wrong, however, the only thing to do is look for a practical solution without blame.

I get it OP. I had a husband very similar. He had sleep apnea and I’d been telling him for years to get help but he wouldn’t… not till he started waking himself up snoring. Sleep apnea nurse said he’s the loudest recorded snorer that she’s ever had. He thought it was funny.

it’s a distinct lack of respect. Your sleep matters. He should want to sort it out so you can sleep.

As it is, he never really bothered to use the sleep apnea machine. You can hear him snoring in all rooms of the house. I’m pretty sure the neighbours can hear him actually.

I was chronically deprived of sleep for years. Don’t put up with it. It’s made me ill.

We are in the process of separating and that’s just one of the reasons… but it boils down to a lack of respect for me and his needs always trumping anything else. Your OH sounds very similar.

My DH was in semi-denial about his snoring for years. He knew and admitted that he snored loudly, he just couldn't understand why I didn't just 'sleep through it'. The result was that neither of us got good sleep because when he woke me up, I poked him in the back and woke him up. We had numerous 'heated discussions' about it and often one of us (usually me) ended up sleeping in the guest room, which DH hated (didn't bother me a bit).

It wasn't until he developed Atrial Fibrillation that he got a sleep study done. It showed he had sleep apnoea (SA). When his cardiologist mentioned that SA could contribute to aFib AND sudden heart failure, DH couldn't get a CPAP fast enough! DH says that the CPAP really changed his life. His sleep is so much better and his level of REM sleep raised astronomically. I can sleep peacefully in a quiet room. But I admit it grinds my gears a bit that my comfort meant nothing to him, but of course when it was 'negatively affecting' him, he took care of the problem pronto.

We do have different sleep patterns though, always have. He goes to bed with the chickens and I stay up and watch telly. BUT, when I go to bed I do so as quietly as possible, turning on no lights and often I put on my pjs and brush my teeth early so all I have to do is slide into bed.

Your DH is being unspeakably rude and entitled. I suggested (along with others) upthread that you move the home office and move 'permanently' into the box room. If he won't take action, you must.

What’s the point of this relationship?

Hes not willing to make any concessions for you at all. I can’t imagine my husband telling me something was causing him such distress and doing fuck all about it if a solution was in my gift.

He just doesn’t care about you.

If you have a TV in the bedroom, why can't he watch that in bed til he falls asleep, then you go to bed as soon as he is asleep and then he won't need to wake in the middle of the night to come to bed?

Also, I would argue that he doesn't need the TV to fall asleep as there isn't a TV on at 4.30 when he comes to bed!

Well exactly! It’s just a bad habit he’s got into and can’t be bothered to get out of.
I go to bed much earlier than him ( am writing this from bed!) so it wouldn’t work for him to watch tv in our bed to fall asleep first as I’d be waiting hours. Plus I’d have the problem of not being able to get to sleep in the first place due to his snoring!