"It's so outing" - is it really?

[FatCatSkinnyRat]

I've noticed so many threads say "it's so outing, I can't go into it".

or

"I've name changed as this is outing".

Has anyone ever read an AIBU and actually known the person posting, beyond shadow of a doubt? I suspect the minutiae of our lives are important and memorable to ourselves but probably not to others, but AIBU to think so?

It's also in case a thread gets picked up by the papers and read by someone not on MN. It can't be linked back to other theads under the same username.

I have had PMs from people who have recognised me so yes, information can be outing.

I was once ‘recognised’ at the school gate and changed my username pretty sharpish. They were quite the den of vipers so it horrified me. I’ve been much more circumspect in later identities.

My pregnancy was outed when a family member put some very recognisable details about me on a chat forum so it definitely does happen. I didn't want anyone to know as I may have had to have a late TFMR so I was distraught.

I have different names for different topics now, and change certain irrelevant details in various posts as well just to avoid anything similar happening.

Yes this had me confused. I thought after announcing she was a midwife and it was outing that she was going to disclose an outing story but nope.. just the fact she was a midwife was outing.

My husband rides a bike on the weekends.

Oh shit, you all know who I am now 😭

(I name change a lot. And I log out and then can’t log back in again, have to create a new account - that’s been going on with me since 2004. Mumsnet doesn’t have a million subscribers - it’s all me fucking up my log in details and having to re register.)

I have (without trying!) spotted two friends on MN, and I had one former friend sort of stalk me across MN, under a previous user name. Nothing ominous, but she’d clearly found one post of mine and was advance searching quite compulsively.

And tbh if you have an unusual background and post honestly, it’s not so unlikely imo. It’s one thing if you post about living in Surrey and working as an accountant; quite another if you speak regularly about how you live in Smallville KT1, have four children whose ages and sexes you’ve been open about and regularly post about your struggles being half-Japanese and half-Ghanaian.

I do that too re kids and name changes.

It’s tiresome though when you are between regular name changes and some dickhead goes all Columbo on you and says “aha! You said you had one ds who was 11 and now you say you have one dd who is 10! TRROOOOLLLLLLLLL!”

I know I read a comment today saying I am a midwife which is outing. Really?

Actually yes this piece of information combined with lots of other bland bits of info that you post if you never name change would be outing.

You're a midwife with three girls 11, 8 and 6 one of whom is a competitive gymnast and another plays netball for her school team, You live in a surbub of Leeds, your husband cycles aot at the weekend and also travels to America for work. Your family lived down south but you moved to Leeds to be closer to your husband's parents as his mother has dementia.

None of these individual pieces of information are outing but together they 100% would be. Then they look at your other posts and find out you're having marriage problems and suffer from debilitating hermarroids.

😂🤣

I've never recognised anyone, or been recognised, as far as I know.

But I do change key details from time to time. And if I write a comment to someone that I, in hindsight, is too identifying of me, I just don't post it.

I'm also very careful not to mention in any RL settings that I have/use MN.

I do this…well I did. MN used it against me to claim I’m a troll because my post history had inconsistencies. Even though a common theme was I had one child who was a younger toddler!

That’s the point, if it’s recognised or picked up by the tabloids, then they won’t know your actual username and can’t find your posting history.

I've never recognised someone I knew in real life, but I did see someone post the same discussion on here as in a Facebook group I was a member of.

I've also seen someone else outed as a chemistry tutor and was able to find her on LinkedIn but that was a few years ago now and I don't know/remember who she is now, either on here or her real life name.

With a previous username, I realised that if you googled a few facts I'd disclosed in various discussions you'd find me very easily so have name-changed regularly since then.

@Glitteratitar because then anyone who recognises you from that single post won't be able to find out further things you have asked advice on on MN.

My one big post on this name is about my partners firing. Very recognisable if I spoke to people IRL and told them some vague details then the media picked it up and splashed it across the front page.

I wouldn't then want those IRL family members to search my username history and find out about health matters or other things relating to the DC I need advice on. It doesn't matter they found out about my main post, it matter they then dug further and further to find things out about me and my family I deliberately kept from them. That's why people NC.

And if you have a friend or family member who reads the thread and they instantly recognise your detailed picture of your extended family argument involving your husband, his sister, her two teenage children, their mother (but not their father because he died last month), and the details of the conversations you've posted which took place last week when you travelled to see them in Hull?

I don't want to link to or refer to recent threads where the OP has written this kind of thing (and has declared a namechange), but they are the posts where I just wonder how exactly changing the username is supposed to stop people who know you from recognising themselves or the situation detailed, and don't need to confirm it by checking your other posts.

Apologies @Glitteratitar I tagged the wrong person

I’ve recognised two people. Would never tell them. I posted a very unusual event once and someone knew who I was talking about/the event. Quick name change there 😬

I work in a female dominated environment of over a hundred people, most are mums and fairly wc.
I know one work colleague who occasionally uses MN.
One friend outside work uses it.
So a tiny minority tbh and its importance over exaggerated.

Yes absolutely.

1).some threads get picked up by the national press.

You may not see it but loads and loads have been picked up by loads of publications of which the daily mail is just "one".

2. unfortunately some mum's net users take it extremely seriously and I have born witness to them actually Trackon down posters to theirs Facebook! To checking them out in real life!

3. I've seen posters hounded out by such poster's!

4. again some poster's seem absolutely hell bent on linking up posts and user names and therefore removing the annoumous aspect and whole point of mumsent unfortunately. Because whats under one name could out people by linking to the other.

5. why mumsent allows this is beyond me. It's down to the op if they want to share information.

I've recognised posters on a work-related forum because their posting history and the situations they described.

Most of the husband mystery hobbies must be cycling, football or golf though, unless there's lots of posters with LARPing, model train collecting, other niche hobbies.

It depends how specific it is. "There is a one-legged woman at my local glass blowing class" is considerably more outing than some things people worry about such as "We live in Yorkshire and DH plays rugby".

@Zorrita

Yea then they won't link that potentially outing incidents to ones posts about intimate issues or problems with DH breath.

Unfortunately it's some posters who make this an absolute necessity.

I had someone convinced they recognised me.... I was not the person they thought I was.

Even if someone recognised me I don't care - nothing I say here is a state secret & I am just as likely to say it in RL as on here.

That's why I regularly change my username. I also give incorrect details of children and grandchildren.