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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for tips from working single parents?

127 replies

solomam · 08/01/2023 11:46

I'll start by saying that I am not a single parent in the true sense of the word because I do have a partner. But he has started working away every other week and so from a practical perspective, I am technically a single parent every other week because I have only one pair of hands.

I work 4 days, I have a stressful job and a lengthy (ish) commute. I have 2 DC - one nursery aged and one older. I am absolutely EXHAUSTED from my first week juggling it all by myself. No family support so it literally is just me when DH is away every other week.

Any tips, please, from single working parents? How on earth do you do it?! Do you all have extended family support or are you as frazzled as I feel right now? 😩

OP posts:
DogBowlsAreMyWeapon · 08/01/2023 11:48

Lower. Your. Standards.

Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 11:50

@DogBowlsAreMyWeapon thanks - in what sense? I feel like I've just been doing the bare minimum to stay afloat tbh, and still struggling.

OP posts:
Dachshund40 · 08/01/2023 11:53

Single working parent of four, one of them is severely disabled, my tips would be:

Be organised, plan ahead, always have a back up plan in case childcare falls through last min (happens a lot with after school clubs/staff sickness)

coffee

coffee

and more coffee…

Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 11:55

Wow @Dachshund40 that's incredible, you have double the number of children, I feel silly for struggling now! Thank you for the tips. Back up childcare is difficult though as there's literally no one else.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 11:56

You'll get used to it. Same as when you start an exercise class or a new job and it seems near impossible then 3 months down the line you're an expert.

Dachshund40 · 08/01/2023 11:57

And what @DogBowlsAreMyWeapon said 😂

Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 12:02

Honestly don't think I can lower my standards much further! I'm aiming for both children fed and clean and happy at the end of the day. I've achieved that so far. Sometimes I'm not always fed and clean and happy but you can't have it all😂

OP posts:
Dachshund40 · 08/01/2023 12:03

@solomam don’t feel silly I had years of doing it all by myself before I became I single mum, you will get used to juggling everything. I know what you mean with child care, I’ve no parents and my friends can’t look after my disabled daughter for long as she has complex needs and is non verbal/wheelchair user. I use after school clubs for other children and fit my work hours around my disabled daughters timetable where possible (my employer is amazing!)

MintJulia · 08/01/2023 12:04

I've been on my own for 12 years. There's a knack to it and it does get easier.
Yes to get organised and plan, plan, plan ahead.

Fill the car up on a Sunday. Washing in on Friday night, straight into the airing cupboard, second load in overnight. Iron all the clothes you and DCs will need on Sundays and have them where they are easy to grab. (if you need to iron at all).

I buy a week's food at the weekend, meal plan and then take supper out of the freezer each morning before I leave for work. Have emergency pizzas in the freezer for when things go wrong. Cook things that take 15 mins effort or less.

Check homework for your older one while supper is cooking. Pack school bag before bed. Have a specific home for dcs' shoes, your keys, phone, laptop.

Life admin and exercise at lunchtimes. Even if it's just a walk around the block.

And an understanding boss helps 😀

Dachshund40 · 08/01/2023 12:04

Also as your children get older and more independent it will become easier

Clymene · 08/01/2023 12:06

Be very very organised. Think about where the greatest stresses are and what you can do to minimise them. I found mornings the worst because there was a hard deadline we needed to get out the door for so got everything ready the night before.

I put my baby in a onesie after their bath and then just put a jumper and trackies over the top in the mornings. Dressing them was basically just a nappy change.

My clothes were out the night before too all I had to do was get dressed. Breakfast in the office or on the commute.

Cleaning is just surface stuff. Load the dishwasher, wipe down surfaces and get an auto vacuum thing to trundle round when you're in bed. Buy one of everything for school uniform if you can afford it so you can do laundry at weekends.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 08/01/2023 12:13

Which bits are you struggling with? When you say dc is nursery aged do you mean school nursery ie about 3 or is in a nursery as childcare? Do they go to childcare whilst you work?

Is your older Dc in school? Is it the huge extra amount of work that comes with school age that you don’t expect? Where is the dc when you not at school, do you use childcare, wraparound, clubs, do you have them with you at work etc?

I can try with practical tips but tricky to know without more details.

id have thought as a two income household you might have a better chance of being able to pay for childcare and other assistance eg getting a cleaner perhaps?

ClarissaParry · 08/01/2023 12:14

The only way I was able to cope when single was the fact I worked from home full time. Any sort of commute would have done me in. Just impossible.

liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 12:17

I don't recognise any of this organisation 😆. I'm more of a wing it type and I've managed all these years but as I said either way it will get easier as you get in to your own rhythm and get used to it I guess this might be harder though as you're only doing it part of the time. Maybe try to stick to your routines when dh is back too to make that easier

PicaK · 08/01/2023 12:29

You're not a single parent. You have the emotional back up of a partner so it's really not on to compare yourself like this.

SpringIsTooFarAway · 08/01/2023 12:51

OP I've been a lone parent since my children were babies. No family help, ever. I work full time in a demanding professional job. My children also have SEN. As others have said, organisation is key. Plan for the week, certain household tasks for specific days, and each Sunday make a plan for the week ahead. Meal plan. Prepare lunches/ bags/ uniform the night before. Shop online. Always keep at least 1/4 tank of fuel in your car. Exercise on lunch breaks.

But honestly, I must say I agree with @PicaK that you cannot compare your situation to that of a single parent. You have respite when your partner is home, you have emotional support, you have somebody to make decisions with jointly and share the mental load, you have 48 hours between you and your husband to share work and childcare responsibilities as you see fit, not 24. Please think about making such a comparison because it not the same in any sense, practical or otherwise, just because for some of the time he is away for work.

Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 13:34

PicaK · 08/01/2023 12:29

You're not a single parent. You have the emotional back up of a partner so it's really not on to compare yourself like this.

🙄 there's always one.

For clarification: I recognise that I have financial and emotional back up and therefore in those sense I am NOT a single parent. But I cannot grow an extra pair of arms therefore practically speaking, I am very much solo when he's away and it's that for which I am seeking advice on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 13:34

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 08/01/2023 12:13

Which bits are you struggling with? When you say dc is nursery aged do you mean school nursery ie about 3 or is in a nursery as childcare? Do they go to childcare whilst you work?

Is your older Dc in school? Is it the huge extra amount of work that comes with school age that you don’t expect? Where is the dc when you not at school, do you use childcare, wraparound, clubs, do you have them with you at work etc?

I can try with practical tips but tricky to know without more details.

id have thought as a two income household you might have a better chance of being able to pay for childcare and other assistance eg getting a cleaner perhaps?

Thanks this is helpful. Will answer this shortly more fully - just heading out with DC but will come back to it later.

OP posts:
Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 13:35

ClarissaParry · 08/01/2023 12:14

The only way I was able to cope when single was the fact I worked from home full time. Any sort of commute would have done me in. Just impossible.

I wish! Sadly there are aspects of my job I can't do from home.

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 13:36

I've been a single parent for best part of 13 years and do not have a problem with op asking - it was clear it was just the practical side she was asking for help with which, if anything, could be harder when it's not something you are doing full time. Some helpful practical tips were given

Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 13:38

I just knew I'd get the replies along the lines of "you can't compare ..... blah blah"

When I am ONE person who does not have the ability to grow a second pair of arms with zero family support around me, then purely practically speaking how am I not in the exact same position as a single person? There is literally no other person helping me practically, and therefore I am solo.

Yes, financially I am not solo, nor emotionally speaking as I have DH available (albeit very rarely) on the phone for morale support. But in a practical sense there is no one else for half the month.

It's not hard to understand where I'm coming from here, surely.

OP posts:
Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 13:38

@liveforsummer

Thank you!

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 08/01/2023 13:41

I just knew I'd get the replies along the lines of "you can't compare ..... blah blah"

It actually crossed my mind too so was pleasantly surprised to see nice supportive and helpful replies at first. Honestly along side the other tips of organisation (which I'm less good at 😆) it will simply get easier with time and you'll fall into your routine, it will get easier also as the dc adapt and also become older and more self sufficient

swimmingincustard · 08/01/2023 13:44

Use your lunch break wisely (if you get a proper one), online food shop, order birthdays presents, pay bills etc.

If you have a timer on your washing machine, fill night before to come on before you get up... empty during breakfast time.

Set out school /work clothes for the week or at least a few days.

If your children have school dinners I think it's absolutely fine to have toasties or jacket potato or even a sandwich for tea to save time.

Give your children chores, making beds, opening curtains etc.

My standards are pretty low although I am considering a robot vacuum 😂

Original poster
solomam · 08/01/2023 13:45

@liveforsummer

Thank you.

It's just deliberately obtuseness, surely. It's very clear what I'm asking. I'm at a loss to understand how having a DH over 300 miles away, means I can magically morph into two people to handle two kids, home and work for a week at a time on my own. 🙄

Thanks to those who have been helpful. I will return to the thread later to respond.

OP posts: