To ask for tips from working single parents?

[solomam]

I'll start by saying that I am not a single parent in the true sense of the word because I do have a partner. But he has started working away every other week and so from a practical perspective, I am technically a single parent every other week because I have only one pair of hands.

I work 4 days, I have a stressful job and a lengthy (ish) commute. I have 2 DC - one nursery aged and one older. I am absolutely EXHAUSTED from my first week juggling it all by myself. No family support so it literally is just me when DH is away every other week.

Any tips, please, from single working parents? How on earth do you do it?! Do you all have extended family support or are you as frazzled as I feel right now? 😩

I'm a single parent work FT.

My biggest time and stress saver has been to buy a Tesco delivery pass and get all groceries delivered. They even have some toys, games etc so birthday party presents taken care of.

I'm looking into a cleaner, I'm particular like you though and it seems expensive.

Don't iron. Anything. Ever.

I never have anyway so this one is easy 😂

Keep a good stock of long life milk, cereals and plenty of bread in the freezer. These are the things as a single mum that you only realise you've run out of at 10pm. 😅

Second getting delivery pass for food, I don’t think I could go back!

Meal plan and on evenings where you are going to late / pushed for times accept beans on toast or have a slow cooker meal started at lunch time

Clothes laid out the night before is useful.

Once the kids are in bed, speed clean. Set a timer for 15mins and race yourself. If you WFH set a washing load or dishwasher off first thing and sort out in your lunch break.

I had a pile of clothes for the week on a chair for each of us on Sunday night. I made soup for myself on a Sunday that lasted or could be stew but absolutely nothing that needed prep for me while small DCs had batch cooked or fish fingers/beans type suppers.
pre book shop and use a lunch break to check the list ie order same thing every week and adjust closer to the time.
Weirdly I ironed a lot when they were younger as it meant I was awake enough to watch a bit of adult telly.
clean rest of bathroom while they are in the bath. Breakdown cleaning while they watch telly - ie 15-20 -30 min stuff

Get the kids involved too
.
Nursery age aren't much help but can be great directed tidy up.time..

Easy storage boxes help.

How much is older one. They may be more helpful?

I find getting up 30 minutes earlier is more useful than time at the end of the day as i have run out of steam.

Lists aswell. I love a list .

This.

This is post is so good, and so true.

If you are not a single parent, you just cannot get the endless unrelenting nature of doing it on your own.

I spent many years doing exactly what you are doing.
In the end I actually found it more difficult when DH was around getting under my feet.

I had a cleaner, supermarket delivery and set myself up in way that it made no practical difference if DH was there or not.

Everything was laid out the night before. Food was simple, limited after school activities.

It's just deliberately obtuseness, surely. It's very clear what I'm asking. I'm at a loss to understand how having a DH over 300 miles away, means I can magically morph into two people to handle two kids, home and work for a week at a time on my own.

No, it's not.

Of course, asking for organisational and practical tips due to you being on your own with the DC & working, every second week, makes sense.

To align your situation to that of a single parent is wrong. And as you later clarify that you were a single parent for many years, you surely get that?

It's exactly having the knowledge that you've emotional support and that you are financially secure, and that there is another parent involved, just not physically present, that makes the difference.

For me, as a single parent, 3 DC, work full-time, it's not any one element that's hard. It's all of them combined. It's the firefighting around practicalities, when worrying about money. It's having to deal with a crisis with a child, when there's no one else to share it with / help.

You've got great tips here, so hopefully that helps & I hope it gets easier. (I completely accept it's tough going parenting alone for so much of the time).

Really reliable childcare is a must.

A flexible employer helps!

Have options for really easy meals in - if dinner takes ages once you’re back the whole evening is put back and bedtime ends up too late.

If you (or the joint finances of you and your H in your case) can afford it, get a cleaner. Should really come from his wages if they are separate as he’s the one not doing any of the other stuff that needs doing day to day.

Be kind to yourself and don’t criticise yourself, or let anyone else do so, for not being perfect. Esp re housework standards which needs must can’t be high.

This is all true too about the additional pressures of being a single parents. - finances, lack of emotional support etc. But I just went for practical tips

So you ask single parents for their tips and the first item in your plan is to batch cook when you DH is home.

Been there, so most important tip: no benefit whatsoever in being a martyr or self sacrificing. You burn out, become resentful and generally cancel out any value in the decision.

Use your lunch break wisely (if you get a proper one), online food shop, order birthdays presents, pay bills etc. No to this. Your husband on the weeks he's away from home takes on the life admin parts of parenting, including booking dental appointments, holiday planning and giving you a heads up of diary entries (opening a Google diary for the kids is the best investment ever)

When he's home, he takes over wrangling the kids or at least 75/25 split including back to school shopping if you can. Book in at least one thing out of the house for you that week. Whether it's catch up with friends or Zumba.

Get a mother's help. Seriously. Mine did 5-7 post school run so did homework while I was getting dinner on, supervised food being eaten and cleared. Then we divided play, bed and bath. When we ended up with 3 kids at 2 schools it was even more sanity saving.

If you can pay for something to make your life easier, do it. If he ever suggests something needs doing/prioritising ask how he intends to make it happen or to do the leg work planning it out.

@EarringsandLipstick

The first line of my OP is literally

I'll start by saying that I am not a single parent in the true sense of the word because I do have a partner. But he has started working away every other week and so from a practical perspective, I am technically a single parent every other week because I have only one pair of hands.

How exactly am I aligning my situation with that of a single parent, when the very first thing I say is I recognise I am not one in the true sense of the word?

Honestly people are doing this on purpose now I think.

I am genuinely honestly not setting out to offend anyone. I am simply asking for tips on how you manage from a practical perspective only when you're a single parent.

Very helpful, especially the last paragraph! I am prone to not being kind to myself to need to keep this in mind. Thank you.

@Puffinsandowls

So you ask single parents for their tips and the first item in your plan is to batch cook when you DH is home.

So shoot me?

Fucks sake. This is getting boring now. Some people just thrive on arguments out of nothing. I don't know they have the energy or headspace tbh.

It's really not difficult but I'll spell out my train of thought once again.

To my mind there are three main types of support: financial, emotional and practical.

DH provides the first two. I have literally no one to support with the third. That's the angle of my post.

Is it not possible to acknowledge I have some things but am struggling in other areas? Does that make me a bad person? Does it warrant shitty posts when I've said I'm struggling and looking for tips?

I'd argue probably not.

Maybe you shouldn't offend all the single parents who have been trying to tell you. And instead of seeing their point and apologising you dig your heels in like this. You asked if YABU to ask and yes you are.

🙄
Ok fuck this, I'm out.

Thank you to everyone who's posted helpful advice - I have a plan now so that should help.

To those who expect an apology you'll be waiting a long time as I have literally nothing to apologise for. Have fun arguing amongst yourselves about how "offensive" and "unreasonable" I am. God knows where you all find the time or energy.

@solomam

I read your OP (and all your posts)

The fact that you asked for help specifically from single parents while saying you are 'not one in the truest sense of the word' is how you aligned yourself with our situation.

You are not a single parent in any sense of the word.

That isn't saying (and I made this point) that it's not bloody hard for you being on your own so much - it is!

So you can say that - describe the situation and ask for tips from those with relevant experience which will include some single parents, some parenting like you are.

And regarding the practical side of being a single parent, as I said in my previous post, the thing is, those practical matters are made so much harder when you also have to juggle emotional & financial concerns that you won't have in your situation.

I’ve been a single parent for most of my children’s lives and they are late teens. It doesn’t bother me that OP is asking for advice on how to juggle it all with one set of hands.
There are two sides to lone parenting - the practical and the emotional.
Practically, the best thing you can do is plan ahead and have a good routine. Regular tea/bath/bed routine for the DCs; meal plan and shop (I do this 2x week because otherwise I don’t fancy what’s left, or things go out of date). Shop online.
Clean up after every meal - pots away and sweep under the table. Stick a load of laundry on every morning while they have breakfast.
We used to time our morning routine by the kids TV schedule. Wake up, watch a program, eat breakfast/clean up; get dressed in front of another program; out the door.
Do a proper clean at the weekend - hoover, kitchen and bathroom etc.

You’ll get the hang of it.

What organisation does your oh prepare before they leave to work away?

do they do the food prep, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping?

You didn't get shitty replies. I acknowledged (several times) that your situation is tough

It doesn't mean we can't also point out that despite you distinctly categorising the support, you're not experiencing anything akin to a single parent, even regarding practicalities.

Lovely.

Fuck's sake.