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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does anyone here work with challenging young people? Advice needed!

88 replies

JMSAD · 07/01/2023 18:31

Hello. I have name-changed for this, in case it's outing.
I very recently took a job in a high school, working in a base for children who need some time out of class and/or some nurture.
The children can be a challenge but have their lovely points too. I'm struggling with one child who is particularly cheeky, and who thinks it's acceptable to make comments on my age, personal appearance, clothes, personality ... just about everything really!
I realise they'll be testing the boundaries as I'm new. I generally ignore, stay calm, breeze over it. I'd really like to form a positive rapport with the child, but I'm finding it hard. It will take time, I'm sure. I just have to keep reminding myself that they are a troubled and vulnerable young person.
For those who don't work with children like this, telling them off won't work. That's why they're being sent to us in the first place! They are likely to escalate and chances are, won't really care anyway.
But I feel like I need some strategies to help deal with the behaviour. My colleagues seem to be really good at taking it in their stride. I suppose I do outwardly, but I'm struggling a little on the inside. And it does kinda hurt sometimes, as well as being embarrassing when they comment in front of others!
Maybe I'm cut out for this, maybe I'm not. But I'd definitely like to give it a good try.
I'd really appreciate your pointers. Or maybe you know of some good links.
Thanks so much Smile

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 18:36

My colleagues seem to be really good at taking it in their stride. I suppose I do outwardly, but I'm struggling a little on the inside. And it does kinda hurt sometimes, as well as being embarrassing when they comment in front of others!

Honestly, I dont think this is the job for you. I've had some young people say horrible things to me but like your colleagues, it rolls off my back.

Was it always something you wanted to do? Do you have much experience in the area or is this your first time dealing with young people with issues like this?

Original poster
JMSAD · 07/01/2023 18:40

Well, we all need to start somewhere I guess. And it'll just take a bit of getting used to.
Did the comments really just roll off your back from the very start?
Thanks for replying 👍

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 18:42

There are no real techniques to get a young person to like you or at least stop insulting you. This is how theyre dealing with life at the moment and sometimes support workers just don't gel with the young people.

As you say they have been sent to you because they behave like this. You have to just turn off your feelings towards it and focus on the young person, that is what they need.

If youre feeling hurt and embarrassment while doing your work, its definitely not the job for you.

Keyansier · 07/01/2023 18:42

I'm struggling with one child who is particularly cheeky, and who thinks it's acceptable to make comments on my age, personal appearance, clothes, personality ... just about everything really!

Fire the same cutting remarks back at them, see how much they can withstand it.

Original poster
JMSAD · 07/01/2023 18:43

It has only been a couple of days, so since after the Christmas holiday.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 07/01/2023 18:44

Keyansier · 07/01/2023 18:42

I'm struggling with one child who is particularly cheeky, and who thinks it's acceptable to make comments on my age, personal appearance, clothes, personality ... just about everything really!

Fire the same cutting remarks back at them, see how much they can withstand it.

I do not think this is the right approach at all to a challenging child.

Original poster
JMSAD · 07/01/2023 18:44

@Keyansier

Can't do that, tempting as it may be at times Grin

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 07/01/2023 18:44

They did, because I have a deep understanding of how difficult their life is.
When I'm working..its not about me. At all. It's about them. They are hurt and dealing with a lot and this is the only way they know how to communicate their stress.
You have to keep reminding yourself of that. If you are taking it too personally, you are thinking about yourself too much and not enough about them and their upset.

Murdoch1949 · 07/01/2023 18:44

You are new to your job and getting used to the work. You could ask your line manager if there are any training courses you could undertake to learn strategies that would be useful. If you are coping with most of the children I would say see it out, settle in, learn skills, get known in the school.

Whatmarbles · 07/01/2023 18:45

Honestly, do not take it to heart, they say things to get a reaction.
I kill them with kindness and at times I point out to them that I am nothing but kind and have done nothing to deserve their attitude.
Once they are called out, they have 'ah right' moment and are mostly contrite.

The rapport they have with your colleagues has been built over time, you'll get there with time.

Original poster
JMSAD · 07/01/2023 18:45

Thanks Murdoch and everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
JMSAD · 07/01/2023 18:46

Whatmarbles · 07/01/2023 18:45

Honestly, do not take it to heart, they say things to get a reaction.
I kill them with kindness and at times I point out to them that I am nothing but kind and have done nothing to deserve their attitude.
Once they are called out, they have 'ah right' moment and are mostly contrite.

The rapport they have with your colleagues has been built over time, you'll get there with time.

Many thanks.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 07/01/2023 18:46

Dependent on the route cause of the behaviour can change how you deal with it in response to them.

But others are correct that you do have to learn to pet it run off you. It isn't personal and it's designed to have an effect or test you. And if they know it upsets you that's a reward for the behaviour.

I usually say something like "ok, you don't like all those things about me. But I'm not interested in that - I'm here to help you regardless of your opinion of me".

Usually eventually they stop because it's not really their opinion - it's a defence mechanism.

Then once the relationship is formed you can start using consequences for them making the choice to use personal insults because whatever the route cause ultimately it isn't acceptable.

Bobbybobbins · 07/01/2023 18:47

Redirect as far as possible. Counter a remark with a question about something they are interested in. Keep ignoring and don't take it personally. They are testing you as challenging teens will.

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:47

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Berrystraw · 07/01/2023 18:47

I’ve worked with challenging behaviour for nearly 20 years. It takes time to develop your own style of behaviour management. When I first started as a youth worker I would go home crying every evening, wondering if it was the right job for me. Luckily, I stuck it out and it has been an amazing career, and nowadays I take the vast majority of behaviour in my stride. However, even now so many years later, I still struggle with some young peoples behaviour. Keep working at it. Talk to colleagues about how you feel and give it a little bit more time. Good luck, it really can be an incredible job!

Original poster
JMSAD · 07/01/2023 18:48

This reply has been deleted

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Hmm
OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:48

Asking AIBU on mumsnet for advice re your job involving challenging young people
and fact you even comment your colleagues seem to stake in stride and handle

yes, because they are in the right job.

You, however, are not

Berrystraw · 07/01/2023 18:49

You sound like you have little to no experience of this kind of work.

lucysnowe2 · 07/01/2023 18:50

Check out Dr Ross Greene and his book Lost at School OP. It covers challenging behaviour in a class setting and some of the reasons behind it. lostatschool.org/

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:50

But I feel like I need some strategies to help deal with the behaviour.

you have had zero training?

Andsoforth · 07/01/2023 18:50

What kind of support is available to you at work? Do you debrief to someone, have a mentor or even just chat with colleagues?

Is there anyone you can ask for advice? Is there a colleague you feel handles these things well?

It’s not as black and white as being cut out for a job or not; people learn a lot from their experience and older colleagues might be able to give you a pointer, or a perspective that might help.

Berrystraw · 07/01/2023 18:50

Goodgrief82 · 07/01/2023 18:48

Asking AIBU on mumsnet for advice re your job involving challenging young people
and fact you even comment your colleagues seem to stake in stride and handle

yes, because they are in the right job.

You, however, are not

You sound like you have little to no experience of this kind of work.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 07/01/2023 18:50

You have to show this kid you have an unconditional positive regard for them. They are pushing you away, perhaps they struggle to trust others. Patience is key here and trying to find some common ground that you can form a connection over. Remind them that even though they have been unkind you are still ready to listen etc when they are ready. Good luck in your new role!

woodhill · 07/01/2023 18:51

You will get more experienced

Try and ignore the comments as much as you can

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