Does anyone here work with challenging young people? Advice needed!

[JMSAD]

Hello. I have name-changed for this, in case it's outing.
I very recently took a job in a high school, working in a base for children who need some time out of class and/or some nurture.
The children can be a challenge but have their lovely points too. I'm struggling with one child who is particularly cheeky, and who thinks it's acceptable to make comments on my age, personal appearance, clothes, personality ... just about everything really!
I realise they'll be testing the boundaries as I'm new. I generally ignore, stay calm, breeze over it. I'd really like to form a positive rapport with the child, but I'm finding it hard. It will take time, I'm sure. I just have to keep reminding myself that they are a troubled and vulnerable young person.
For those who don't work with children like this, telling them off won't work. That's why they're being sent to us in the first place! They are likely to escalate and chances are, won't really care anyway.
But I feel like I need some strategies to help deal with the behaviour. My colleagues seem to be really good at taking it in their stride. I suppose I do outwardly, but I'm struggling a little on the inside. And it does kinda hurt sometimes, as well as being embarrassing when they comment in front of others!
Maybe I'm cut out for this, maybe I'm not. But I'd definitely like to give it a good try.
I'd really appreciate your pointers. Or maybe you know of some good links.
Thanks so much

And even when you get used to it you'll still those days it gets to you.

I've been doing it 15 years. I'm actually in charge of behaviour management in my setting.

My mum died last year and a few months later I was dealing with something and a student said something that broke me.

I have an excellent relationship and I said I was sorry but I couldn't listen to it today.

Later on the came and apologised for upsetting me. I explained that their words upset me because I was having a sad day and talked about how I really wanted to react but didn't and it opened up a great conversation and realisation to the student that she isn't the only one with strong emotions she's dealing with.

No one expects you to be a robot - it's more understanding their behaviour is communication but there's nothing wrong with the, understanding others have feelings too.

Thanks again all!
I think @Goodgrief82 raised a fair point in that AIBU might not be the best platform to ask about this kind of thing.
However it is the busiest of the boards, and I am really glad I did ask. I am truly grateful for your responses. I can go in on Monday feeling a bit more 'armed' than before!

If possible, try and get as much information on the child's background as well. It will help you understand where they're coming from and possibly what's behind the behaviour .

If it's a mean comment just tell them it's unkind and move on.
If it's a rant, let them get it out and ignore.
If they're genuine /opinion comments that are simply rude then deflect with humour, or just acknowledge the comment with an "i know" or "ok", or if they're a manifestation of their lack of social skill explain that it's unkind and people can get upset by comments about their appearance, or disagree calmly and breezy "well, wearing cat shoes makes me happy even if you think they're silly". There are many ways to deal with it depending on the child and the circumstances.

It really isn't personal, it's a manifestation of whatever shit they're going through.

For example "fat" :

1. They live in extreme poverty or an abusive/neglectful/chaotic household and are often starving. There's a jealousy/it's not fair anger element to the comment.

1. They are bullied about their weight or often called fat (regardless whether they are or not) , but you are also fat and everyone seems to like you. Same as 1.

1. Easy ,cheap shot because they're angry at the world, and hurt and in pain. It could also be ginger hair, glasses, freckles whatever. Whatever they can cling on.

1. Testing you. Seeing how you'll react, if you'll give up, if you'll reject them,if you'll leave. This will happen a lot with children that have abandonment issues, that have had several caretakers /support people. No point in getting attached if you'll just fuck off like everyone else.

1. Testing boundaries . Checking what they can get away with , your reactions , see what happens. This is used as a form of self protection/feeling in control and as a way to achieve a goal. Like the kids that piss off an adult and get sent away , which is easier than admitting they don't understand the work or find it too overwhelming.

1. Genuine observation. Yes , rude but they don't necessarily understand that(at least not fully). They're just making conversation and weirdly, trying to engage.

1. Actual concern . A really convoluted thought process where they're worried about your health and what that will mean for them.

1. Actual anger at you or redirected at you. Because you're following school rules, because you've raised a concern , because you're getting too close to something they don't want to share , because they think you've wronged them in some way .

These are just a few examples of why I got called fat(and worse) even by kids that I have great relationships and bonds with. It happens.

Been where you are! It does get easier, I think I was easily upset in my first year but quite honestly they could say anything to me after that and it didn't bother me in the slightest 😂

Something I found helpful was joking about myself outwardly. Obviously be careful and do not take it too far. I'd just do it lightly so that they were aware that I didn't think I was gods gift and was quite happy with being the lady with the odd voice and poor fashion sense. For example if they made a comment on my outfit the next day I'd start with "am I dressed less like a granny today then? I really tried!" Or just embrace their comments (where appropriate, obviously!). Some girls once made a huge deal of me wearing socks over my tights in winter one day, so I deliberately did that every day going forward and used to say "when you get old like me you won't care how unfashionable it is".

Easier said than done when the comments are a bit worse than just about your outfit or something though, I totally get it. But having a bit of banter with some of them is okay providing it's what your setting supports. For example I'd often say "I might be x, y and z but I'm rather glad I don't go home and worry about keeping my Snapchat streak!"

Keep being keen to learn from others and you will find your own way. I left working with challenging young people a few years ago due to poor management from above but often miss it. Can't say I ever found it super easy, especially with some of the young people as there were some that were exceptionally clever and manipulative and really tried to get under your skin but you have to remember that it's not personal, if they weren't saying it to you they'd be saying it to another member of staff!

It sounds like you’re doing great OP and your compassionate approach to this child shows you are more than capable of the job.
Ime, these kids are defensive as attack is the best form of defensive. Carry on being neutral and consistent- work eith unconditional positive regard for this child and try and connect with them on a one to one with no audience when possible anout something generic. Often, something like singling out a peice of work they’ve done well at helps- they are getting positive feedback but often handle it better than comments about them personally

Fantastic tips, thank you

Quoting my own reply here! 😂 but just wanted to add that if they're being genuinely unkind to you then obviously don't laugh it off or anything, I used to say something like "hey, come on Alex, you know that's not nice, I wouldn't say that to you, would I?"

My reply was more for those silly teenager type comments and immature behaviour. If they're getting too much don't be afraid to seek support from other staff.

I'd look for another job.
I was a teacher for more than 15 years. So glad to be out of it.

I used to get a lot of negativity from my son. It's their low self esteem projecting out. I'd try and react with determined good humour so he'd say "your hairs awful" and I'd say something like bet your glad it's mine not yours! or yeah it's my superpower, awful hair. Really don't take it personally and lean on other staff for support. Try and build up relationship of trust with them and it will stop, hopefully. You need devious means to address the underlying issue not the superficial behaviour.

Ignore some of these comments op. Lots, probably most people struggle at first in this kind of.environmment. it's not indicative of not being cut out for this job. I don't think aibu is the best place for professional advice.

If all to your college. Be honest about how you feel, how they appear to deal with it, and ask for strategies. You may find they feel the same but just ignore now. I'm a HCW- some of the names I've been called, and repeatedly,is foul. It appears not to bother me, but it's about experience and strategies- you learn them. It's different for you, and more intense, and you're at the beginning of your career. If you get on, your colleague is your biggest resource to learning how to strategies around the comments, because they will never, ever stop

@JMSAD
I just want to thank you for this thread and to the posters that have really helped you by sharing their experience and techniques.

I’m a mum of a lovely 16 year old DS (still at high school), but he can be extremely hard to deal with at times (understatement) and this has really helped to guide and educate me.

Good luck with your career - I know you’ll be fine because you care.

Give it time OP, I work in residential care so get called a slag, cunt bitch and that's just to name a few... at first I felt like reacting but no reaction is better. They soon get bored if they aren't getting any attention

Good luck