Does anyone here work with challenging young people? Advice needed!

[JMSAD]

Hello. I have name-changed for this, in case it's outing.
I very recently took a job in a high school, working in a base for children who need some time out of class and/or some nurture.
The children can be a challenge but have their lovely points too. I'm struggling with one child who is particularly cheeky, and who thinks it's acceptable to make comments on my age, personal appearance, clothes, personality ... just about everything really!
I realise they'll be testing the boundaries as I'm new. I generally ignore, stay calm, breeze over it. I'd really like to form a positive rapport with the child, but I'm finding it hard. It will take time, I'm sure. I just have to keep reminding myself that they are a troubled and vulnerable young person.
For those who don't work with children like this, telling them off won't work. That's why they're being sent to us in the first place! They are likely to escalate and chances are, won't really care anyway.
But I feel like I need some strategies to help deal with the behaviour. My colleagues seem to be really good at taking it in their stride. I suppose I do outwardly, but I'm struggling a little on the inside. And it does kinda hurt sometimes, as well as being embarrassing when they comment in front of others!
Maybe I'm cut out for this, maybe I'm not. But I'd definitely like to give it a good try.
I'd really appreciate your pointers. Or maybe you know of some good links.
Thanks so much

I think that's unjust. The OP is asking for help when she's in the early stages of the job.
I don't think that's unreasonable of her and I do not think she is in the wrong job.

OP - give it time. I think you'll gradually figure out things which work and things which do not. It's just a matter of gaining experience.

Who is she asking?

Anonymous posters on AIBU on mumsnet about her important job involving challenging young people

Our policy is to always correct. So "we don't use that language here" "that behaviour is unkind".

It doesn't stop it, sometimes it encorages a repeat, but I think it does help staff to know that they've at least been told its not OK.

Presumably you know something of these children's stories and IME they are almost all dealing with much worse than someone being rude to them from time to time. If you're going to do this kind of work you need to be the person who likes and respects them regardless.

You should have someone in school you can take this to though. Do you get supervision?

That's unnecessary and uncalled for.

This type of work is screaming out for people who want to do it. They have to start somewhere and asking shows someone who wants to get this right.

I think years ago, we were taught the fogging technique to deal with aggressive phone calls at work. Maybe that will help?

Goodgrief, my post seems to have really touched a nerve with you. You have made your position on my suitability for the post very clear. But the title of my post makes it clear to whom my question is directed.
You think I'm in the wrong job. That's fine. But I asked for constructive advice and you have nine to offer. So perhaps it's best to steer clear.

none

What is prompting the comments?

Lack of awareness /understanding, lack of filter, looking for a reaction?

Is there a pattern to them? Like before an activity the child doesn't want to do, or when you're asking particular questions or anything like that? Is it an attempt at avoidance?

How did you react the first time? How do you normally react?

Sorry for all the questions but different reasons and circumstances need different approaches .

@Whatmarbles great advice

Having worked with plenty of challenging young people I can assure you everyone starts somewhere and you will build up your confidence as your experience with young people grows. Your colleagues will have built rapport over time.

Make sure you are authentically yourself - don't try to be someone you're not. Young people see through bs in 5 seconds.

Unconditional positive regard. Always, constantly. i.e. "its great to see you" "thanks for your time today" "I had fun doing xyz with you"

Dont take things personally (or at least look like you dont), for many young people who have been hurt, abused, rejected they will push back at you. Remain consistent, authetic and empathetic.

Also, reach out to your colleagues - what works for them etc

Yes

it has “touched a nerve”

someone with involvement and responsibility for vulnerable young people asking anonymous mumsnetters on AIBU for advise is concerning to me

Pffft. Ignore the haters on here.

We have around twenty adults working in our school inclusion unit (it's a big school). Yes, ideally, you would have had some experience- but you can also just pick it up with enthusiasm. It is absolutely appropriate (even, good), for you to ask others for tips. There should be strategies people can suggest.

As a teacher, the book that had the most influence on my classroom behaviour management was 'Getting the buggers to behave'. But there will probably be some copies of behaviour management books lying around somewhere.

The things that I've found though:

1. Kids want to be liked. They are testing boundaries and being unpleasant often because if they do that first they can say it's their behaviour you don't like, not them
2. Humour diffuses a lot. Having a joke or making them laugh can turn a negative situation away
3. You're not their friend, and they don't want to be your friend. Make it clear you adhere to school rules and expect them to as well. If they're from chaotic home backgrounds this will actually be very reassuring.
4. Separate the behaviour from the person. Always say things like 'your behaviour is bad today', rather than 'you're bad today'
5. Model the way you want them to treat you. Honestly, this sounds crazy, but it works. My school is a 'no shouting' school. Adults are strongly advised not to shout, and the effect on student volume is incredible. We are advised to model politeness and respect to students- on the basis that they may genuinely have never seen this at home. It works. So, things like, 'it's not appropriate to comment negatively on somebody's appearance', would be useful.

But, honestly, it's just experience and kindness.

Good luck!

Interesting questions there. The child never presents as being upset. I've noticed that the behaviour in front of peers can be very different. Doesn't like the attention to be on them at all. The comments can completely come out of the blue, so impulse control isn't great.

You should definitely read up on ACE's and Trauma Awereness. NOBODY should be working with 'troubled young people' without any kind of training and at least some knowledge of brain development.

Its tricky but like others have said don't take it personally.
I used to get called a fat bitch by one lovely lad , I would say to myself (and colleagues in staff room later) "I think you mean medium to slim bitch, right?".
Outwardly "Oi don't be horrid, I don't speak to you like that" in a light way and swiftly move on.

Really helpful, thank you.

What's your background OP, how did you come to this job? What sort of induction and training have you had? Do you have any peer support?

I don't object to you asking here, but it's very wrong that you need to.

Good advice from @Curioushorse above

I really hope you have had some training on trauma. If not, it's unfair on you or the young people you are supporting

But everybody has to start somewhere and experience doesnt happen overnight

Check out Bruce Perry, Betsy de Thierry, Sue Gerhart etc

Dont take the children's comments personally. They are testing you. Prioritise safety. Be kind and consistent, but firm and fair. Pick your battles. Seek support from colleagues. Good luck

Absolutely you can be trained to do this work but there is often a lack of investment in good training because this type of service is often underfunded. I would suggest you stay connected to your feelings but get interested in 'your' emotions - why does a young person in a difficult situation affect you so much ? Get curious about why they might want to say the things they do are they inviting you into a conversation about age, weight, gender - and how can you make that appropriate whilst also being authentic and ethical. Always work from your own regulation - if you get dysregulated you will not be in the best place to help young people who may be living with traumatic historys. So show them kind boundaries - that sounds like a hurtful kind of comment, I wonder why a lovely young person like you might say that ? Turn the invitation into an opportunity to share a positive message. Most young people in this position will already have been mistreated by adults, they may think it makes sense to provoke you as much as possible to see if you are just another professional that can't cope with them. The invitation then is to show them you absolutely can like the person but dislike the behaviour. Always keep the two separate so the young person has a sense that you see their potential not just the negative story or presentation.

The child never presents as being upset.

For a child who has had adverse experiences, presenting as being upset can make them vulnerable. Some kids have very valid reasons not to trust adults. They might test you to see if you really care, or if you only seem to care when they're being compliant. They might reject you before you have a chance to reject them.

Ask for a 1:1 with your line manager and be honest about the aspects of the job you find challenging. They can't help you if they don't know you're struggling. Ask them if they are aware of any training you can access through the Local Authority or local Educational Psychology Service. There are usually courses in ACE'S, Trauma Informed practice or Protective Behaviors schools can access for free. Read about Emotion Coaching and Restorative approaches to behaviour, these things will help you in your day to day practice.

I have always worked in Education, but in a more mainstream setting. I haven't had training but am very keen to learn and get it right.
Thankfully I already do many of the things recommended on here: I take an interest and chat to them, I never would shout, I respond to them very positively when I see them, I praise them in a targeted and authentic way. And humour is an amazingly effective tool where appropriate!

Speak with colleagues who have a good rapport with the child and see what works for them. Get some 1:1 time with the child and level with them? Find out what works - positive attention, praise, subtle check-ins rather than being constantly there etc. It’s different for everyone.

Honestly I find humour usually works with young people I work with. Obviously within reason and always keeping it appropriate!

Look for small wins, take them aside at the end of the lesson if they’ve done something good and praise them separately - some of the YP I work with don’t like or appreciate praise in front of peers. Or make a phone call home and let parents/carers know you’ve just started working with their child and you’ve been working with them and wanted to let them know they did a great piece of work today (only if they actually did, obviously!). It’s always nice to make/receive a possible call, especially for some of those who are more challenging and probably get negative phone calls home. When the phone call gets fed back to the child later they might appreciate it, if it cuts them some slack at home I’m sure they definitely will!

If a nurse posted for advice about dealing with challenging behaviour from patients, I do not think people would pile in to say they were in the wrong job

I don't understand some of the responses here

*Positive, not possible