To ask my husband to get a haircut for my mams funeral?

[Mammyloveswine]

My mam died very suddenly last week. We are all still in shock and to top it all off we very nearly lost my dad this week too. He's now very ill in hospital.

My husband has not been particularly supportive but we had a chat the other night and he seemed to be a bit better.

He has a horrible big beard that is grown out (through laziness as he mostly works from home) and is overdue a haircut. I asked him to him to book in at the barbers and get a haircut and beard trim for when my mams funeral is (which we haven't even had chance to sort yet due to how sudden her death was).

Anyway he told me "I don't need a haircut and my beard is fine". It isn't because he even said the other week "I'll have to sort this beard out". I said "please have a haircut and trim your beard, it's my mams funeral" and he got really annoyed and told me I couldn't tell him what to do.

I don't know why he's being like this, it's not like I'm asking him to totally change his look it's a usual thing he does to have a trimmed beard and smart haircut and I just can't understand how he doesn't see how disrespectful this is that he's refusing to do it now of all times.

I'm hurting so much and worried sick about my dad and grieving for my mam and he's been working so I've had to try and be strong for the kids and I just feel like he's not there when I need him more than ever.

And also the response then seem to equate not trimming a beard or having a hair cut, to a woman not washing/poor personal hygiene or turning up in skanky leggings

Exactly.

He’s taking time away to think when you need him most. This is very sad but now I would look after myself and self care / take things on hour at a time and ignore him.

I initially thought you were being a bit (understandably because you are grieving) unreasonable, because it is a small thing and not equivalent to not washing at all - it could only be compared to a wife not going to the hairdressers which I think most people would say a DH shouldn't demand. I also find the posters talking about respect in capital letters implying that anyone who doesn't feel like expensive clothes shopping in the first week or so after a bereavement doesn't respect their lost relatives very odd.

However, it is clear that this is part of a wider pattern of not supporting you well and you were probably fixating on it as the most concrete example of a bigger issue. It's terrible that you now update he has left, especially on your Dcs birthday, and I can't see how he can excuse that, unless you told him too.

My sympathies Op, you've had a terrible loss and shock, and your DH is clearly unwilling or unable to provide what you need from him. Focus on yourself and your dc, and reach out to friends for support if you can. Once the funeral is over you can think how you want to proceed with your husband, but I can't see what the point of marriage is if he doesn't even try to support you at a time like this (different if he was trying but perhaps misjudging what needed, but actually walking away is pretty terrible). But this isn't the time to give too much thought to that. Just try and get through each day at the moment.

There’s always one 😑

op I’m with you. Tell your husband to sort himself out.

im also so sorry for the loss of your lovely mam. Sending love and hugs.

Please don't assume a lack of respect on the part of your partner. We all approach these things differently. You have so many emotions swilling about at the moment and I think you should let this go. It is so difficult when someone dies or a dear one is ill and it is tempting to park all the bad emotions onto something or someone. Don't let that person be your partner.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Firstly.. he is being lazy and disrespectful, he can't make that little effort?
It would be equivalent of woman looking disheveled in some way whoch would be equally disrespectful.
Reading your OP sounds like this is the least of your problems.. Why isn't he being more supportive and loving? Sounds like he is a prick generally.
I'm so sorry about your mum

OP - "I asked him to leave"

How is this him walking out?!

I think this is it..my marriage is over and I've lost my mam and almost lost my dad,

Ffs this is a fucking shitty fucking start to the new year.

Op my heart genuinely goes out to you
this is so so tough. Have you any real life support today to help you

I missed that you'd said you'd actually asked him to leave. In that case perhaps he feels he has to give you space as you asked for it?

Ive got a friend calling round later on

I maybe he is just an incredibly shitty person who has had an empathy bypass.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in the same circumstances 5 years ago.

I saw this with kindness and understanding... but grief does weird things to people. In moments of trauma, like a sudden loss, our brains latch onto things that we wouldn't normally give two hoots about. Because it's something controllable, and something to focus on, instead of how utterly shite we feel.

My best example of this happened on the 1 year anniversary of my dads death. We got together as a family to mark the occasion, and I took along a photo of my mum and her 2 sisters that she'd asked me to get printed for her, that had been taken earlier in the year at a family wedding. She got all upset that the print had come out a little dark, and set me off, in an unknown town, late afternoon, to track down a place that would print off a photo AND would allow me to edit it on the machines... Absolutely fuckin' bonkers.
The next morning she crawls into bed with me, crying, and saying she misses dad.
Mystery solved.

Traumatised people aren't rational, and hyper-fixate on other things. I suggest letting the beard and hair cut go, and concentrate on your dad, and being super-kind to yourself. This time is The Worst, but it does get better. I promise.

xxx

@KrisAkabusi

He's walked out. He was asked to leave and still didn't see how much he had upset his wife. He turned his back on her and kept walking. He engineered this and got what he wanted.

Now he has told her he's going to spend the next few days 'thinking'. He's punishing her for asking something of him, and the vagueness of what he's 'thinking' about is designed to make her wonder if he's reconsidering the marriage.

What he wants in all of this is to refocus her attention on him.
She's not allowed to ask for his attention to be directed at her. It has to be the other way round.
He wouldn't even take a few days off work to support her.
Now she is supposed to come crawling back to him and apologise for expecting him to love, honour, and cherish her.

OP I’m really really sorry for everything going on in your life right now. I’m glad you’re now with a friend. Your partner has been exceptionally selfish to not go along with your wishes on such a special occasion. He should be ashamed of himself.

Thank you

Thank you everyone for your comments and kind words,

I’m so sorry for your loss @Mammyloveswine I lost my dm in September and my df 5 years before that.

Sometimes it’s the ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’. But, you would be forgiven if you snapped at your dh ‘well, if you want to look scruffy at the funeral in front of everyone, go ahead!’ If he’s anything like my dh he’d have his tail between his legs and go for a trim and shave. I hope he sees the light.

💐

Didn’t want to read and run so just to say that I am so so sorry for your loss and that the person who should be there for you is acting like an utter twat. Your poor dad too. I hope he makes a full recovery very soon and that you will be able to support each other at this awful time.

Thank you. I still can't believe it's all happening.

Husband is still not home..I've asked him to come back but he's ordered work stuff to his parents house.

Oh well..this is absolutely shit!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Has he actually told his parents that your mum has died? He's being an absolute giant arsehole about this and really try to just disengage from his antics right now. Don't ask him to come back, focus on your kids and your dad, and yourself.

Oh, do fuck off. This isn't about gender or controlling behaviour, it's about one person absolutely refusing to show basic respect by making an effort to smarten for a funeral. I don't give a shit if you're a man, a woman or well-trained orangutan: if you're invited to a formal funeral you show some respect for the family of the deceased and make an effort to look smarter than usual. And you also don't choose a period of intense grief for your partner to decide to prove some kind of petty point.

Nobody is being asked to change their entire look here. The OP even says that usually, her husband does get regular haircuts and keeps his beard trimmed, and that he even said himself recently that his beard needs trimming - it's only now that he has decided that while he'll happily be well-groomed at other times, he isn't prepared to do that for his MIL's funeral, despite knowing that his wife and FIL will be upset by that. He's a complete cunt. Just like a woman who is happy to be smart and well-groomed in normal daily life would be a complete cunt if she insisted on turning up to her MIL's funeral with grotty unwashed hair scruffed back in a straggly top knot and a stain down the front of her top.

It is shit, op. What an awful time to find out how self absorbed and flakey your DH is, you must feel exhausted. 💐

To me appearance and respect are two completely different and unrelated things. However it seems like he's being a complete arse just for the sake of it.