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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband to get a haircut for my mams funeral?

83 replies

Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:13

My mam died very suddenly last week. We are all still in shock and to top it all off we very nearly lost my dad this week too. He's now very ill in hospital.

My husband has not been particularly supportive but we had a chat the other night and he seemed to be a bit better.

He has a horrible big beard that is grown out (through laziness as he mostly works from home) and is overdue a haircut. I asked him to him to book in at the barbers and get a haircut and beard trim for when my mams funeral is (which we haven't even had chance to sort yet due to how sudden her death was).

Anyway he told me "I don't need a haircut and my beard is fine". It isn't because he even said the other week "I'll have to sort this beard out". I said "please have a haircut and trim your beard, it's my mams funeral" and he got really annoyed and told me I couldn't tell him what to do.

I don't know why he's being like this, it's not like I'm asking him to totally change his look it's a usual thing he does to have a trimmed beard and smart haircut and I just can't understand how he doesn't see how disrespectful this is that he's refusing to do it now of all times.

I'm hurting so much and worried sick about my dad and grieving for my mam and he's been working so I've had to try and be strong for the kids and I just feel like he's not there when I need him more than ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 08/01/2023 00:32

I've asked him to leave..we had a row that night and he claimed he had been there fir me.. he's gone to his parents.

OP posts:
durhamduck · 08/01/2023 00:34

Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:48

But it's not something he doesn't do, he normally would trim it and have his hair cut! That's what I don't understand!

Show quote history

Maybe he also needs to deal with his grief (though not even comparable to yours) and feels a psychological resistance to acknowledging and preparing for the funeral?

I'm not trying to make excuses for him but as he's normally well groomed that's the only reason for resistance I can think of

durhamduck · 08/01/2023 00:35

@judgerudy "He's irritated and feels you're treating him like a child. He knows he look scruffy and was ready to address it but you jumped in and chastised him before he got the chance to do anything . He's annoyed so is being stubborn.
My guess is he will smarten up of his own accord."

oh yes this is the other possibility

iminvestednow · 08/01/2023 00:47

My husband is pretty laid back when it comes to his appearance. I knew this about him from the start and have never tried to change him. When my dad died, the first thing he said was, what can I do. He knew appearance was important to my dad and made sure he was clean shaven and suited and booted. It’s not about trying to change him, just about what he could do to make your life over the next few weeks easier to deal with. If that means smartening up for one day, why wouldn’t he?

mathanxiety · 08/01/2023 01:41

Hope his parents give him the massive kick up the arse that he so richly deserves.

The problem with the 'he's grieving' hypothesis is that he's not understanding that he needs to set his feelings aside and support the person whose mother has died and whose father is unwell in the hospital. Right now, it's not about his grief.

Uninterestedfamily · 08/01/2023 02:04

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I hope he comes to his senses tonight and starts being the supportive partner he should be. If he doesn't, sadly you've seen his true colours.

ChangingTheChannel · 08/01/2023 02:18

Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:36

What husband saying that his usually well groomed wife is refusing to wash her hair for his mams funeral? Id say she was being out of order so don't try and patronise me thank you very much.

I've already said he normally does have it trimmed and have a hair cut im not asking him to have a total restyle.

Show quote history

I thought he just hadn’t cut his hair/beard? Is he not washing for the funeral? That would be very different.

I don’t really see a lack of haircut or beard trim as a lack of respect. I had a grandfather who did think that way and I found it ridiculous and very old fashioned.

Sorry for your loss and I hope your dad is ok.

Andypandy799 · 08/01/2023 05:20

@Mammyloveswine sorry for your loss and you deserve the doting support of your dp or DH it’s not asking much for them to be kind and show compassion at such an awful time.

ignore the trolls and wind ups they aren’t worth it.

When my poorly dad passed away he said that no one should be allowed to his funeral without a tie. Bless him

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/01/2023 05:44

Mammyloveswine · 08/01/2023 00:32

I've asked him to leave..we had a row that night and he claimed he had been there fir me.. he's gone to his parents.

My MIL died while exH and I were separating. Because I'm not an enormous twat, I put all that on hold to support him and his family. Yours has run back to his parents? What an arsehole.

Arsepants · 08/01/2023 05:56

Forget the twattish DH for now. I hope you have real life support.

Speak to your GP and get something to help you sleep

rainbowstardrops · 08/01/2023 08:51

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum.
This is the time when your husband should be fully supporting you, not flouncing off to his parents. I hope they give him a stern talking to.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 08/01/2023 09:34

I'm just exhausted, it's my sons birthday today too.

OP posts:
PearlclutchersInc · 08/01/2023 09:38

bellac11 · 07/01/2023 18:47

You must be in terrible shock and you're grieving and angry that she has been taken away

But it isnt for anyone to say what someone should do with their hair or beard (much as I cant stand them).

It's not much to ask. Given the situation it's definitely not much to ask.

Robin233 · 08/01/2023 10:35

When dad died my dh made a big thing of shaving (his work doesn't require this as can go days without)
We got teenage adult son a new black jacket and shoes.
I got new clothes (black skirt, blouse)
Even my sister got a new outfit.
It wasn't about being ,posh'
It was about RESPECT for dad.
We all did him proud that day.
You are completely in the right op.
FlowersFlowers

durhamduck · 08/01/2023 10:55

Just wanted to clarify: I'm not a troll or winding anyone up. Just trying to think of possible explanations for his (by OP's admission) unusual behaviour. Whether or not those explanations are morally valid, they may be psychologically real as people are self centred.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. If possible, it may be worth getting someone else to give your DH a good talking to as that emotional labour is probably not ideal for you to take on now.

StoppinBy · 08/01/2023 11:09

I think whenyouve asked of him is fine.

If a female said they were going to wear their dirty leggings from yesterday and their dirty runners to a funeral I would think it as equally disrespectful as a man who had scruffy hair and beard.

You should look your best and put in some effort as a last week of respect when you attend a funeral if you even think it would have been important to the person when they were alive.

bellac11 · 08/01/2023 11:12

durhamduck · 08/01/2023 10:55

Just wanted to clarify: I'm not a troll or winding anyone up. Just trying to think of possible explanations for his (by OP's admission) unusual behaviour. Whether or not those explanations are morally valid, they may be psychologically real as people are self centred.

OP I'm sorry you're going through this. If possible, it may be worth getting someone else to give your DH a good talking to as that emotional labour is probably not ideal for you to take on now.

Absolutely, its the concept of blocked care, when the caregiver is just too overwhelmed to manage

It could be whats happening here, it might not be, but it is possibility. Its not trolling (which is a word used completely inappropriately most of the time) to suggest that

B1993 · 08/01/2023 11:24

I'm so sorry for your loss 💔 Sending my sympathies to you are your family at this difficult time 💐

Was your DH and DM close? Maybe you're being met with such resistance because he's grieving her loss too and isn't processing it well? If he's just being stubborn for the sake of it, that's obviously a CF move.

honeylulu · 08/01/2023 11:24

OMG just seen he's walked out! Until I got to that bit I was wondering if he was one of these people who likes to be your first priority and is now rattled that you need him and he's kicking back against the status quo by refusing to support you as you need. Firstly by getting a trim (even though he admitted last week he needed one, but suddenly its "fine"). Secondly by emotionally and practically supporting you at all by walking out! What an absolute arse.

wantmorenow · 08/01/2023 11:26

Condolences at the awful time for you. I understand where you are coming from OP. It's a very little thing you are asking and it would be supportive and respectful for him to do it.

Many years ago I was getting ready to go to my own Mum's funeral. I was 38 weeks pregnant and lived about 90 mins away by car. My then DP, suggested we take his very large van as it had just had an engine rebuild and it would be a "good run to test it out". I was disgusted, he couldn't see the problem. I had a white car and wanted it to go through the car wash before we went as it was filthy. He agreed it needed doing but offered no help. I went to the local one but it wasn't yet open as very early. I ended up hand washing the car as best I could whilst he pottered around with the van which was only needed for his hobby. Not work related. I was crying whilst washing it and feeling totally unsupported.

This was 28 years ago and I'm still upset by it and I can pinpoint that day as the day our relationship began to fail. We split about 2 years later. There was no coming back from it. I hope your DH takes stock and steps up for you at this difficult and emotional time.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 08/01/2023 12:13

He's at his parents a few hours away so I'm
Alone with the kids. He says he's going to take a few days to think.

OP posts:
DillDanding · 08/01/2023 12:17

Imagine if this was reversed. ‘I want my wife to have her hair done before my mother’s funeral…’ There would be a pile on.

Who exactly is he disrespecting?

Focus on yourself and the important stuff. I’ve lost my parent’s recently, I know how easy it is to sweat the small stuff in the raw stages of grief.

bellac11 · 08/01/2023 12:20

DillDanding · 08/01/2023 12:17

Imagine if this was reversed. ‘I want my wife to have her hair done before my mother’s funeral…’ There would be a pile on.

Who exactly is he disrespecting?

Focus on yourself and the important stuff. I’ve lost my parent’s recently, I know how easy it is to sweat the small stuff in the raw stages of grief.

There would but you're not allowed to say that apparently

And also the response then seem to equate not trimming a beard or having a hair cut, to a woman not washing/poor personal hygiene or turning up in skanky leggings

ShrillBill · 08/01/2023 12:20

@Mammyloveswine Flowers I'm so sorry the man who is supposed to be your partner is making your Mums death all about him. You deserve better.

Candymay · 08/01/2023 12:26

He sounds like a weak man who would rather run away than support you.

yes absolutely he should show respect and tidy himself up. He should support you in any way possible.

sorry for your loss. I’ve just had similar.

and I hope you can have a nice birthday for your son.

life is hard. I don’t like all the bitching on this site.( I still spend hours here but often as a distraction because of my own bereavement).