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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband to get a haircut for my mams funeral?

83 replies

Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:13

My mam died very suddenly last week. We are all still in shock and to top it all off we very nearly lost my dad this week too. He's now very ill in hospital.

My husband has not been particularly supportive but we had a chat the other night and he seemed to be a bit better.

He has a horrible big beard that is grown out (through laziness as he mostly works from home) and is overdue a haircut. I asked him to him to book in at the barbers and get a haircut and beard trim for when my mams funeral is (which we haven't even had chance to sort yet due to how sudden her death was).

Anyway he told me "I don't need a haircut and my beard is fine". It isn't because he even said the other week "I'll have to sort this beard out". I said "please have a haircut and trim your beard, it's my mams funeral" and he got really annoyed and told me I couldn't tell him what to do.

I don't know why he's being like this, it's not like I'm asking him to totally change his look it's a usual thing he does to have a trimmed beard and smart haircut and I just can't understand how he doesn't see how disrespectful this is that he's refusing to do it now of all times.

I'm hurting so much and worried sick about my dad and grieving for my mam and he's been working so I've had to try and be strong for the kids and I just feel like he's not there when I need him more than ever.

OP posts:
PollyPeePants · 07/01/2023 18:16

Sorry for your loss, what a difficult time.
Your husband is being a prick. Hopefully he will see sense.

Mollymalone123 · 07/01/2023 18:18

I’m so sorry for your loss and it sounds like you have a lot in your plate.Reading between the lines this is more than just about a hair cut.I would for now not worry about what he is saying and look after yourself and children.concentrate on looking after yourself.All the admin side of arranging funeral and taking care of your dad is more important.Hopefully nearer the time your husband will pull his finger out and be more supportive

FuckabethFuckor · 07/01/2023 18:20

I'm sorry for your loss.

You know what, I would think about letting this one go. Not because he's necessarily in the right, but because who needs additional hassle and stress right now? You certainly don't, you've got so much on your plate anyway.

No one's going to be musing on your husband's grooming arrangements at the funeral, they'll be there to support you. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

Flowers
Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:28

FuckabethFuckor · 07/01/2023 18:20

I'm sorry for your loss.

You know what, I would think about letting this one go. Not because he's necessarily in the right, but because who needs additional hassle and stress right now? You certainly don't, you've got so much on your plate anyway.

No one's going to be musing on your husband's grooming arrangements at the funeral, they'll be there to support you. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

Flowers

It matters to me though and it will matter to my dad and it would matter to my mam. It just shows a lack of respect for my mam, my lovely mam.

OP posts:
jimmyhill · 07/01/2023 18:29

Imagine this gender reversed

OhamIreally · 07/01/2023 18:31

jimmyhill · 07/01/2023 18:29

Imagine this gender reversed

Give it a rest. Her mum's just died.

OoooohMatron · 07/01/2023 18:32

jimmyhill · 07/01/2023 18:29

Imagine this gender reversed

Oh shut up! Nobody would think it was OK for a woman to attend her MILs funeral looking like a sack of shit either.

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 07/01/2023 18:33

jimmyhill · 07/01/2023 18:29

Imagine this gender reversed

If my DPs mum died, I’d shave my fucking head if it took even a tiny bit of the pain away.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:33

Thank you @OoooohMatron

OP posts:
BurtonsRevenge · 07/01/2023 18:34

Imagine this, gender neutral.

GolfEchoRomeoTangoIndia · 07/01/2023 18:35

I know what you mean. DH was in charge of bringing the DC to my DM's funeral because I was staying over with my DF the night before and I laid down the law that actually I really did care that all three of them look their smartest for the funeral, and it mattered to me and DF. DH, who is personally lackadaisical about these things acknowledged that my feelings came first on this occasion and made sure that all three had ironed/clean/polished/brushed/appropriate clothes/hair.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:36

jimmyhill · 07/01/2023 18:29

Imagine this gender reversed

What husband saying that his usually well groomed wife is refusing to wash her hair for his mams funeral? Id say she was being out of order so don't try and patronise me thank you very much.

I've already said he normally does have it trimmed and have a hair cut im not asking him to have a total restyle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:37

GolfEchoRomeoTangoIndia · 07/01/2023 18:35

I know what you mean. DH was in charge of bringing the DC to my DM's funeral because I was staying over with my DF the night before and I laid down the law that actually I really did care that all three of them look their smartest for the funeral, and it mattered to me and DF. DH, who is personally lackadaisical about these things acknowledged that my feelings came first on this occasion and made sure that all three had ironed/clean/polished/brushed/appropriate clothes/hair.

Thank you. I'm pleased your husband actually listened. I'm so sorry for your loss.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 07/01/2023 18:38

Personally if he can't support you-and if that means looking like a man not a neanderthal - he needs to stay away.
Sorry for your loss..
My dh has a beard. He knows I complain when he starts to look unkempt..

Judgyjudgy · 07/01/2023 18:42

So sorry for your loss. Sit him down, and calmly ask him again. Tell him it really matters to you, and your dad and your mam. And can he please get it sorted as you're understandably very upset Flowers

mathanxiety · 07/01/2023 18:43

Sorry for your sudden loss Flowers
It's very hard to get through an unexpected bereavement.

Sorry your husband can't understand what supporting you entails at this time.

Has he even taken any time off work? I don't think putting your OH ahead of other commitments and making meaningful gestures is optional at a time like this. He should be putting you front and centre.

ContadoraExplorer · 07/01/2023 18:45

It's a funeral, you make sure you are looking as smart as you can as a sign of respect or you're a dick (regardless of your gender, I don't know why that was even mentioned tbh).

OoooohMatron · 07/01/2023 18:46

Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:33

Thank you @OoooohMatron

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I get why it's important to you, but some people just wont get it. I hope he steps up xx

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:46

mathanxiety · 07/01/2023 18:43

Sorry for your sudden loss Flowers
It's very hard to get through an unexpected bereavement.

Sorry your husband can't understand what supporting you entails at this time.

Has he even taken any time off work? I don't think putting your OH ahead of other commitments and making meaningful gestures is optional at a time like this. He should be putting you front and centre.

He hasn't..he only gets a day for the funeral and says there are no holiday days available.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 07/01/2023 18:47

You must be in terrible shock and you're grieving and angry that she has been taken away

But it isnt for anyone to say what someone should do with their hair or beard (much as I cant stand them).

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:47

I haven't slept, I've barely ate since it happened I just can't bear how he can't see how hurtful he is being.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:48

bellac11 · 07/01/2023 18:47

You must be in terrible shock and you're grieving and angry that she has been taken away

But it isnt for anyone to say what someone should do with their hair or beard (much as I cant stand them).

But it's not something he doesn't do, he normally would trim it and have his hair cut! That's what I don't understand!

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 07/01/2023 19:22

@Mammyloveswine
I think he needs to find more time off and I think if he tried he would.

His behaviour is callous and uncaring.

FictionalCharacter · 07/01/2023 19:28

OoooohMatron · 07/01/2023 18:32

Oh shut up! Nobody would think it was OK for a woman to attend her MILs funeral looking like a sack of shit either.

Show quote history

Absolutely. I don’t understand why someone has to pop up on almost every thread to squeak “imagine if this was a woman!”
So sorry for your loss @Mammyloveswine . It’s disrespectful of your husband to do this and I hope he relents, but if he doesn’t, he’s the only one who will look bad for it.

JudgeRudy · 08/01/2023 00:29

Mammyloveswine · 07/01/2023 18:13

My mam died very suddenly last week. We are all still in shock and to top it all off we very nearly lost my dad this week too. He's now very ill in hospital.

My husband has not been particularly supportive but we had a chat the other night and he seemed to be a bit better.

He has a horrible big beard that is grown out (through laziness as he mostly works from home) and is overdue a haircut. I asked him to him to book in at the barbers and get a haircut and beard trim for when my mams funeral is (which we haven't even had chance to sort yet due to how sudden her death was).

Anyway he told me "I don't need a haircut and my beard is fine". It isn't because he even said the other week "I'll have to sort this beard out". I said "please have a haircut and trim your beard, it's my mams funeral" and he got really annoyed and told me I couldn't tell him what to do.

I don't know why he's being like this, it's not like I'm asking him to totally change his look it's a usual thing he does to have a trimmed beard and smart haircut and I just can't understand how he doesn't see how disrespectful this is that he's refusing to do it now of all times.

I'm hurting so much and worried sick about my dad and grieving for my mam and he's been working so I've had to try and be strong for the kids and I just feel like he's not there when I need him more than ever.

Sorry forvyourvloss. This must beca challenging time all round.
He's irritated and feels you're treating him like a child. He knows he look scruffy and was ready to address it but you jumped in and chastised him before he got the chance to do anything . He's annoyed so is being stubborn.
My guess is he will smarten up of his own accord. If he doesn't, but is supportive and caring still be appreciative of that. Let it go, dont add tobyour stress. If he's no support at all just get through this then reassess your future.