To not sell my home for the benefit of my stepkids?

[jaicobain]

I was never able to have children of my own. I was with somebody for 20 years, had all the treatments, and only ever had miscarriages. He became abusive and I left in my mid-40s, that was that. I am lucky in that I bought my house before he came along. I’m 57 now, and have come to terms with not having DC, but it’s still a great source of sadness to me.

My 2 nieces were born in my 30s, and I adore them. They were a great comfort to me, I’ve always been close to my sister so as a result was close to them. I am their Godmother. Of course they couldn’t be a substitute to my own DC but we have such a close relationship. When they were teenagers, they moved in with me for a few months whilst Dsis struggled with depression. Then a couple of years later my elder niece moved back in for 4 months at age 17 due to rebellious behaviour that Dsis wasn’t coping with. They are now both brilliant young women, and both have babies. They aren’t particularly well-off, and have struggled with the cost of living recently. I’ve been very vocal of the fact that they will inherit my house. Maybe a mistake to tell them that but they are greatful and not entitled at all.

I am in great health and expect to be around for the forseeable, and have always planned to leave my house to my sister, or my nieces if she passes before me. My sister is younger than me, but has ill-health and chronic conditions that have worsened as of late. She is not at deaths door or anything but has told me full-well that she doubts she’ll make 70.

I have a husband now, married 5 years, I have moved in with him. I have a tenant in my property. The problem that has arisen is that he wants us to buy a holiday home in Spain, but doesn’t want to downsize his large Victorian house to fund it (worth £500,000+, bought in the 80s in an area that got gentrified) because he wants his 2 sons to inherit it. He is snobbish about the area of my house (one of the not so nice areas of the city, but it’s where I grew up and I’m fond of it!), and is incredibly vocal about it. He thinks I should ‘get rid’ of my house and buy us the holiday home with the money. I have asked him why he doesn’t just downsize his 4-bedroom, it’s just the 2 of us and his 4 granddaughter’s are pre-teens/teens so they don’t even come and stay anymore. And it’s always the same response, he wants his sons to inherit it and the hypothetical holiday home that he expects me to sell my beloved home to fund.

He actually said that since I don’t have DC and now live with him I don’t need the house. As somebody who tried for years to have kids, this hurt me a lot. He also fails to respect my close relationship with my nieces, and has actually said I should prioritise his adult kids over my 2 nieces. Prioritising his kids would mean selling my house to fund the holiday home so that he doesn’t have to downsize his big house that they are due to inherit.

I am finding the whole thing incredibly upsetting and I feel like he doesn’t respect me or my family. He’s made many a nasty comment about my sister’s mental health issues and has no sympathy for her physical health issues which he says are her own fault for smoking, it’s like her considers her and my nieces to just be worthless. I will add that the holiday home is all him, I am really not bothered and would rather just go on nice holidays around Europe without the stress of buying and maintaining a holiday home.

Having continued to read this thread, I'm in agreement with @AnotherForumUser. No matter what you might think of or feel for your husband, he has shown you his true colours.

Please believe him when he does this. This is the man he is, not the persona that you thought you married.

OP - the nieces have been in your life for so long and clearly you have a much closer relationship with them. Please DO NOT listen to him.

And your happy to remain married to a man who wants to control you with what amounts to emotional abuse?
He sounds like a nasty piece of work; so he basically want you to sell your home & buy him a holiday home in Spain; so what happens if he decides he’s had enough of being married to you & wants you to divorce you… your fucked totally & utterly screwed over.

Get yourself too a solicitor & get a cast iron will written out naming your sister if she’s still alive as beneficiary with a clause that when she dies it goes to your nieces 50/50 if your sister has died it goes 50/50 to your nieces 100% get it tied in that under no circumstances does your husband get anything from the property at all. He sounds like the type who’d try to get his sweaty little hands on it just so his children get more money.

Goid luck to you I think your going to need it!!

@jaicobain im really sorry you are in this position. I think you would have a lifetime of regrets if you listen to this man.

he isn’t respecting your family, he isnt respecting your relationship with them, your history, your past and the every essence of you.

id seriously consider your relationship
with someone who’s getting more and more entitled to how he expects you to
hand over all the assets you’ve worked hard for to his children who haven’t made any effort with you. They sound as bad as their father.

massive squishes. I think I’d be looking at getting a place of my own or travelling. Without him.

OP, YA100%NBU. Your nieces are the closest thing that you have to your own DC and it's only natural that you should leave your estate to them.

Please get some good legal advice to ensure that your will is watertight and that there is nothing that can be challenged.

Also take advice on if you can transfer the house into a trust or something so that your nieces will get it eventually but you have benefit of the rent until it's transferred to them.

A friend had a "D"H like this, he expected her to re-mortgage her house to invest the money, while keeping his own house safe and sound.

Stand your ground and keep on refusing. If he wants a holiday home then he needs to downsize. If the marriage ends over it then so be it, it sounds like you will be better off without him.

Say NO to him and stand your ground.
I would seriously reconsider this relationship as he sounds controlling and very entitled.
Make sure you will is up to date in favour of your sister and nieces and that they have a copy.
What a selfish idiot he is!!

I'm so sorry, OP.

My sisters and I are very close and love and respect each other deeply. This includes those without children caring very much for their nieces/nephews, and all of us loving and respecting our sister who has some significant health issues. Because we all love each other!

A partner who cannot respect these bonds wouldn't be the right partner for any of us.

I think you should speak to a solicitor and consider your options. Please don't sell your property to fund the holiday home you're not even bothered about.

You get one shot at life. Live it the way you want.

You sound very passive about his selfish and disrespectful behaviour. I know it must be terribly difficult but I hope you'll be able to channel your anger and take appropriate steps to protect yourself and the things that are important to you.

Simply tell him that your sister and nieces are your blood. Your step kids aren’t and his kids will receive his house and your nieces yours. Done. Any issue after that is simply him showing you his disrespect for your wishes and your family. Then tell him if he wants a summer home in Europe to buy one in his name. Then make up an iron clad will that puts this in place. I’d also get rid of him anyways as he sounds horrible.

I am curious about the will and joint assets. I had to get my husband to sign his rights to certain assets away. They would go to the children.

Perhaps a solid will is in order and check that he has no rights.

Sign the house over to your family but you retain life tenancy and maintain the property. The house can't be sold till you either go into state care or die. Then ltb and take your cut of the martial home. Whatever you choose to do, please do not sell your home.

Please immediately make sure that your own will is completely watertight so that you leave your possessions and property to whoever you want.

And then dump him - what a nasty, mean, grasping, insensitive man....

Keep your house. You may want to go back to it at some point. This guy is selfish, has no problem with you losing your property to allow him to get his. Red flags everywear!

OP, I agree with everyone else so there isn’t much more to add except to say well done you for recognising this isn’t acceptable and standing your ground. It feels like you’re looking for reassurance (most of us would be the same) but everything you’ve said in your posts here has shown good judgement - I’m sorry you’re in this horrible situation but follow your intuition and you will be ok!

Five years is nothing. You owe his kids (who completely ignore you) nothing at all.

I honestly don't understand why you're still with him. Make a watertight will this week, and then look to a future without him.

I'd caution against making your house over to the nieces now. Anything that involves three joint owners and a family member resident is rife for complications. You might trust your nieces to let you live there until you die, but what if you need care? And what if one of them marries someone like your husband, and who influences them to force a sale from under you, or put you in a home so that they can sell it?

So sorry @jaicobain , your family sounds lovely. You must be great and are also lucky to have such a close relationship with your nieces. Wanted to say what so many others have. Make sure all of your paperwork is in order to guarantee the house goes to your nieces. I would book an appointment with a solicitor next week. Also, you and your own family sound far too nice to have this snobbish man around.

Please don’t do this.

I’m sure your nieces are lovely and honourable but you never know what external factors may make them sell the house (e.g. a greedy partner, a loss of income, homelessness etc).

Apologies as I haven't read all the replies.
Do not sell your home. Make a will (if you haven't already) stating that your home is to be passed to your nieces.
I suspect, if you bought this holiday home he would expect it to be passed to his sons too. Don't give in, reading your question it's clear this isn't anything you actually want to do.

Don't buy abroad. Friends in France sold up because of new french laws. Friend in Spain died suddenly. The EA out there were slow, unhelpful. Took two years to sell a beachfront property at a massively reduced price to a Spanish policeman. It was dodgy as hell to be honest until the policeman came along then miraculously all the obstacles evaporated.

Do you have a will that reflects your current wishes OP? And was it signed after your marriage?
I how so

Please don’t sell your house. Stay strong and refuse. Get a will done if not already stating it is to be left to your nieces.

if he wants a holiday home so much, he can buy it.

this is terrible. I feel for you.

OP please come back and reassure us all that you have made a new Will in favour of your nieces, since marrying this man. If not, then please, even if you only write one out yourself, and get it witnessed by a couple of friends or neighbours, do it at the first possible opportunity, and give it into the hands of your sister or nieces! What I'm trying to say is, don't hang around debating with yourself, you know what you want, and you know what he intends, you could literally drop dead tomorrow, and if you haven't sorted this, then he will get his way. Please make the Will your first priority. After that, I would give notice to your tenants, and plan on moving back into your house, as soon as you possibly can. Please do all of this without making your husband aware of your actions, as this man sounds extremely devious, and if he senses that you're going against him, by making a new Will, or that you're planning divorce, quite honestly it wouldn't surprise me to hear that you came to harm. I know a lot of people may poo poo this, but men do really nasty things every day, and especially when they are thwarted about money, so do please be very careful.

As for the house in Spain, should you be mad enough to even consider it, a PP has given you good advice. We owned a house in Spain, which thankfully we sold not long before we left Brexit. Every time we went out there, there were always ongoing expenses, and not just minor ones! You also have to pay tax each year on your property, which again you need a Spanish accountant to deal with. Then you have the usual council taxes, refuse collection, etc., and if you have a problem with any of these things, you need to employ someone who speaks Spanish fluently to go with you to sort things out. You have to pay for everything legal to be translated, and if my experience is anything to go by, not all Spanish lawyers are to be trusted, so my personal advice would be steer well clear, it's simply not worth the headaches! Oh, and that's without all the Shengan business on top, which very strictly limits the amount of time you can spend out there. So at the end of the day, unless you're prepared to deal with all of this hassle and expense, which you say you don't want anyway, I would tell your 'H' to fund his own holiday plans.

@Hayliebells Yes, my normally very generous and super kind MIL had started being a bit shitty about money and family and generally being a bit more irrational and unempathetic over such things in her very early 60s... in hindsight it was clearly the first showing symptoms of her Alzheimer's that was only diagnosed some 7 years later in her late 60s.

Did you see a lawyer before you got married to sort out inheritances and wills? Obviously the usual would be bulk of the money to surviving partner. Are you thinking you’d leave all assets to your nieces and none to partner? I’d see a solicitor asap. What happens to the money from your rental? Could that be used for long term rental abroad? I imagine inheriting a property abroad would be a pita and you’d need legal advice about their laws.

How does any of that make sense? If he dies, his sons get two houses, you have none. You really need to get some financial advice to make sure he has no entitlement to your property, either in divorce or on death. Cheeky fucker.

You want to hope you don't get ill, because your husband is not the sort of man who will hang around to look after you. Don't let your house go, whatever you do.