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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my boyfriend being insensitive? Feel like I’m going mad

99 replies

jess333 · 07/01/2023 08:59

So I’m a newly qualified health care professional (not a nurse) and I work in mental health. It’s a setting where (natural) deaths don’t frequently occur but obviously it happens.

One of the patients assigned to me has a lot of physical health issues and is sadly now receiving end of life care. I usually work weekdays only, but today I’ve offered to go in as they’re short staffed and this patient needs help.

My boyfriend is in the process of looking for a new car and today wanted me to drive an hour away so that he could look at one and maybe test drive it, however I told him that this is important for me so that I know that I’ve done everything I could. He was pissed off when I told him last night because we had plans and that I’m going into work for no pay. I’d already had a shocker of a day, and I burst into tears. He’s aware that this death at work is very close to home as my mum died in a similar way and at a very similar age.

Last night he was in a mood and wouldn’t talk to me cos he didn’t want to argue. This made me feel like shit cos I’d rather talk and discuss than just pretend everything’s ok. Then he was insisting that I go to work and it’s fine. I asked him to go home in the end because I was so upset and disappointed in him. I’ve heard nothing from him since.

Aibu or has he been a dick?

OP posts:
PauliesWalnuts · 07/01/2023 09:01

He’s been a dick. You sound like the sort of caring person that healthcare needs.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 07/01/2023 09:01

YANBU and he’s a huge dick. Take heed of this red flag.

Karwomannghia · 07/01/2023 09:03

I’m sorry this has happened and you sound very caring. Hope it goes ok. Absolutely the priority. He was disappointed about his car which he was probably really excited about and could miss out on (I love cars so I understand this) and probably found it hard to hide his disappointment. Sounds like he tried to pull himself out of it fairly soon. But he should have been more grown up about it and surely has a friend who can go with him?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 09:06

He sounds inventive. However it does sound like she’s trying to back peddle, maybe he had an instant reaction then regretted it?
Is it because his work is very different. I have a few friends in social work/teacher type jobs with partners in jobs that don’t work with people. They don’t understand the extra dedication that can come with having a relationship with people you support.

HOWEVER- you do need to make sure you have boudaries between work and home. I wouldn’t think it would be helpful for this to be happening regularly. People need to be able to step away from their job, no matter how important the people they work with are to them.

Also - did you say your not being paid? Why?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 07/01/2023 09:07

*I mean insensitive not inventive

CharlotteSometimes1 · 07/01/2023 09:12

He’s being a total arse. If I were him I might feel disappointed and a bit fed up if I was looking forward to the car stuff, but there’s no way I’d let you see that and if I momentarily did then I’d go to great lengths to reassure you that I completely supported you. He should be doing everything to make this difficult time easier for you, not harder.

time to reevaluate the relationship.

AnyOldThings · 07/01/2023 09:14

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”

He’s shown you who he is 🚩

Original poster
jess333 · 07/01/2023 09:18

His work is the polar opposite to healthcare so I definitely think that he has no idea how I can’t just come home and switch off. I try not to bring work home with me but this is such a unique case for me, and he knows how much it’s affected me. Myself and others at work are receiving help from the psychology department because it’s so rare.

I won’t be getting paid for it because it’s literally going to only be for a couple of hours to assist with moving and handling, and putting equipment in place that’s being delivered today - I’m an OT. Myself and another colleague volunteered to go in to oversee it.

The fact that he hasn’t even bothered contacting me today is just making it even worse.

OP posts:
jetadore · 07/01/2023 09:20

BF is very insensitive but you would be mad to stay with him now you know what he’s like.

Prinnny · 07/01/2023 09:25

He’s a dick but if your not getting paid you should be getting your time back, if my staff come in on their own time I make sure they leave early at some point. You sound a lovely OT tho x

Original poster
jess333 · 07/01/2023 09:29

I’m sure I’ll get my time back next week but it’s not really a priority at the minute. I understand what you’re saying though.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/01/2023 09:30

He's not been the best on this and he should have seen how upset you are, but I do wonder if he feels he takes second place to your work. It can take a very long time for me to detach from work on a Friday/Saturday and I can see dp not always finding that easy - if I announced I had to cancel plans with him to go in unpaid at the weekend he would definitely feel he was unimportant in my life and would also feel I was allowing myself to be exploited.

Do what you have to do. But imo don't label his reaction too harshly.

Lkydfju · 07/01/2023 09:31

He is being insensitive but at the same time I think people who aren’t in work like yours don’t understand how it can be upsetting; I have a job that it’s emotionally quite hard going whereas my DH doesn’t and in the early days he didn’t always understand as to him it was a job and these weren’t my friends or family to be getting upset about.
I can see that how he deals with things doesn’t work for you in terms of not wanting to talk about it but for some people it’s better for them to have time to reflect rather than talk in the moment.
I would also say from the benefit of experience that you have to build up boundaries and resilience around situations like this and that sometimes giving all your time is not the best for you as a person

ChristmasTensions · 07/01/2023 09:31

He’s being a massive dick. If you want to go into work unpaid that is YOUR business, not his. You sound like a lovely and empathetic person. Sadly your boyfriend sounds like a massive tool with the emotional depth of a teaspoon.

Fraaahnces · 07/01/2023 09:31

Is he maybe worried that you’re being taken advantage of? It’s such an emotive issue and you are not being paid. He may be concerned about having to pick up the pieces once it’s over. He could be worried that you may try and re-live the past any time something like this comes up. Let’s be honest, he could be having all of these thoughts and still be resentful about the car.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2023 09:35

I sincerely hope you think very, very carefully about your future and what it would be like to keep this man in your life. He's showing you who he is. Take heed.

ShandaLear · 07/01/2023 09:39

You're clearly quite new to your role. While it’s lovely you care for your patients you should remember that this is your job, not your life, and you need to take your days off. If you start doing this for every patient you could end up sacrificing a lot of time that you need to enable you to stay fit and well so you can continue to do your job to a high standard. There’s nothing wrong with popping in to see how they are, but your organisation is exploiting you if they are letting you work for no pay. They should already have full staff cover and they don’t need you. While I wouldn’t be overjoyed having to take my partner to look at a new car I have done this on occasion and he has done it for me. I think your partner has a light to be annoyed - it’s the sort of thing couples do at the weekend, and you’re blowing him off to support someone you don’t know and who is already supported and presumably has family there as well.

MiddleParking · 07/01/2023 09:42

Hmm. No, I think I’d be pissed off if my boyfriend chose going into work unpaid on a Saturday over our weekend plans too tbh.

ShandaLear · 07/01/2023 09:45

Sorry - just read more carefully. If they’re short staffed and they want you to go in then they need to pay you. If they do not feel the need to pay you then they are really exploiting you. You should not be working for free and doing so sets a dangerous precedent for you and for your colleagues who could understandably be quite angry about this.

SuperQuickDraw · 07/01/2023 09:46

When you say 'we had plans' do you mean plans with your bf to take him to see the car?

If so I'd say ywbu for not discussing with him before changing your commitments.

Leaving aside the emotive reasons for your change I can understand why he'd be pissed off at a last minute change when you already had plans.

How important is the car to him? Is he struggling to get to work? Are there limited cars in his budget and he thinks this one won't wait around.

Do you often back out of plans at the last minute? Are you the only person who can help at work?

Also it's still early, he's prob still asleep!

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/01/2023 09:53

You're into work with no pay and you had plans? Roles reversed women would slating him

YABU

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 09:53

He sounds like an ignorant, selfish, stroppy child. Gross.

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 09:54

BabyOnBoard90 · 07/01/2023 09:53

You're into work with no pay and you had plans? Roles reversed women would slating him

YABU

Another quality post from you. 😆

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2023 09:55

I wouldn’t be that happy about you cancelling our weekend plans to go into work for free either tbh

Original poster
jess333 · 07/01/2023 10:00

I honestly don’t have the energy to explain why me going in for a couple of hours for no pay is the right thing to do. I think people either get it or they don’t. This patient has no family, and he’s very young. I’ll finish early or start late one day next week. My boyfriend is going to have to deal with it because I’m more annoyed about his reaction. It’s a car, and there’ll be many more. It’s not urgent.

OP posts: