Is my boyfriend being insensitive? Feel like I’m going mad

[jess333]

So I’m a newly qualified health care professional (not a nurse) and I work in mental health. It’s a setting where (natural) deaths don’t frequently occur but obviously it happens.

One of the patients assigned to me has a lot of physical health issues and is sadly now receiving end of life care. I usually work weekdays only, but today I’ve offered to go in as they’re short staffed and this patient needs help.

My boyfriend is in the process of looking for a new car and today wanted me to drive an hour away so that he could look at one and maybe test drive it, however I told him that this is important for me so that I know that I’ve done everything I could. He was pissed off when I told him last night because we had plans and that I’m going into work for no pay. I’d already had a shocker of a day, and I burst into tears. He’s aware that this death at work is very close to home as my mum died in a similar way and at a very similar age.

Last night he was in a mood and wouldn’t talk to me cos he didn’t want to argue. This made me feel like shit cos I’d rather talk and discuss than just pretend everything’s ok. Then he was insisting that I go to work and it’s fine. I asked him to go home in the end because I was so upset and disappointed in him. I’ve heard nothing from him since.

Aibu or has he been a dick?

FFS, why do people always post this bollocks? No they wouldn’t.

This was aimed at @WandaWonder’s post.

I think people are seeing one partner working unpaid on a weekend when they had plans. Normally that’s seen as “a bad thing”

now perhaps the reasons for working are good. Perhaps the plans are not vital. Maybe that changes things a bit.

A lot of details here about your patient.

If they're accurate I'd have this post removed as he's identifiable to someone who knows him.

OP, apart from anything else here I think you need to be mindful of burn out. You do sound extremely kind and caring but once you set the tone things which ostensibly seem like a favour can quickly turn into expectation and bang goes your energy. Also I think you should be able to find coping mechanisms to 'switch off' so you're not always worrying or thinking about work-related issues. Your partner over-reacted but I can see his point if being with you is also turning into being 'in the job' with you i.e. venting to him, talking about work/patients endlessly, inability to decompress and be you.

You sound so lovely OP, but please don’t stretch yourself too far or offer more than you can afford to both mentally and financially as going down that road will eventually lead to burnout, especially as you are so new in post

I hope everything is as peaceful for your patient as can be, I’m sure they and their loved ones will be very grateful.

X-post!

Could he not go by public transport? What a baby.

What a ridiculous straw man. I can guarantee no one would be saying that. People would tell OP to stop being a spoilt brat if it was the other way round. There are absolutely loads of threads where the OP is told she's being demanding and needy.

I think he's been an arsehole. If he's not had eyes on this vehicle, it could easily be a lemon. And even if it's not, why can't he go by himself? I've never had any help to buy a car. I've got cars from 150 miles away and got the train there.

As a nurse that has lots of these situations I can understand how you feel but you must take care of yourself because if you put this much energy into every patient, you will burn out very quickly.

At the beginning of my career I had senior nurses say this to me and I thought that I would never be " so heartless".

Unfortunately the job sucks your joy if you don't manage your work life balance. We can care and do a good job without sacrificing our own happiness.

I kinda understand your DP, he may think you're being taken advantage of and cares for you as well as looking forward to going out with you.

Also OP don't allow yourself to be patronised by people who claim 'you won't be doing this in 5 years'. You've already said that this situation is incredibly rare and even if it wasn't I do know people who work in caring roles and are willing to go above and beyond.

Yes, how much of yourself you give might change over time and it's a balance between being generous and caring for yourself and avoiding burnout but OP is an adult and there's absolutely nothing in her post to suggest she can't manage this balance like any other adult.

How old is the patient, OP, you say s/he is the same age your mum was when she died? Sounds very upsetting and I can see why you don’t want them to be alone.

YANBU to do what you need to do. BF needs to respect that.

And you’re getting TOIL, but I suppose it’s not at a time that suits BF 😒

Id end the relationship with him tbh. He's acting like a massive baby.

As a fellow HCP, yabu.

Whatever the important reasons are for you doing this, it's not because of work (or you'd be doing an extra paid shift and it would be in your contract to work weekends so you are insured/renumerated etc), this is because of something inside of you and it rings alarm bells for me about the ability to compartmentalise your work from your private life.

Your BF is rightly a bit pissed off that you've suddenly changed the work goalposts at the last minute when you said you had plans - even if those plans seem dull to you.

Honestly, you really need to think about how you are going to steer your way through the next 40 years of your career keeping work and home separate.

I think your boyfriends reaction is probably coming from a selfish place but you have completely trivialised his wants/needs because you have decided that your wants/needs take priority and justified it by claiming you are doing what is right.

It's clear that going to work today is very important to you but from his point of view he may well be wondering if he wants to sign up to a long term future where his partner will always have a reason to make work more important than the plans they made with him. I think you have a communication problem.

I've never been convinced that giving your time for free in healthcare helps wrt provision and resources in the long run, it just gives the impression the service is just about managing.

I think it would be wise to establish with your union if you are covered by indemnity if you are basically volunteering today. I treated my professional registration as my license to earn a living; no amount of compassion pays the bills, don't put your livelihood at risk.

There are some really condescending posters on here. Have a word with yourselves.

I can’t work out if some posters are doing the usual thing of taking against an OP, whatever the circumstances, or if this site is truly populated by handmaidens who believe a woman should truly kowtow to a man’s moods and punishment, rather than take on a last minute and truly humanitarian endeavour for two hours.

They may have made a plan for him to view a car, but there’s absolutely no reason why he can’t still do that. It’s real life. And in real life plans change. A sulking adult man is pathetic. And I suspect someone who isn’t understanding of their partner changing plans last minute to help a dying young man for two hours only is devoid or deficient in emotional maturity.

Agree, agree.

Your bf is an utter dick. If you were my partner I’d be so proud of what you’re doing and would be boasting to anyone who would listen about what a good person I’d landed up with. If only all people working in the caring profession were like you. Well done OP. 🙂

And notice that several people who work in related fields and have faced the same scenario (like me) have said YABU.

If they are not paying you, you are not needed. You are choosing to involve yourself outside of your professional requirement. Because you're new, we're advising not to.

I think this way too. I can’t understand the majority of the posts on this thread.

This is a very idealistic way of looking at things.

If everyone behaved the way OP does, the entire profession would burn out.

I think I’d have been a bit pissed if my husband cancelled plans to work for no pay.

YABU