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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my boyfriend being insensitive? Feel like I’m going mad

99 replies

jess333 · 07/01/2023 08:59

So I’m a newly qualified health care professional (not a nurse) and I work in mental health. It’s a setting where (natural) deaths don’t frequently occur but obviously it happens.

One of the patients assigned to me has a lot of physical health issues and is sadly now receiving end of life care. I usually work weekdays only, but today I’ve offered to go in as they’re short staffed and this patient needs help.

My boyfriend is in the process of looking for a new car and today wanted me to drive an hour away so that he could look at one and maybe test drive it, however I told him that this is important for me so that I know that I’ve done everything I could. He was pissed off when I told him last night because we had plans and that I’m going into work for no pay. I’d already had a shocker of a day, and I burst into tears. He’s aware that this death at work is very close to home as my mum died in a similar way and at a very similar age.

Last night he was in a mood and wouldn’t talk to me cos he didn’t want to argue. This made me feel like shit cos I’d rather talk and discuss than just pretend everything’s ok. Then he was insisting that I go to work and it’s fine. I asked him to go home in the end because I was so upset and disappointed in him. I’ve heard nothing from him since.

Aibu or has he been a dick?

OP posts:

pictoosh · 07/01/2023 10:02

ShandaLear · 07/01/2023 09:39

You're clearly quite new to your role. While it’s lovely you care for your patients you should remember that this is your job, not your life, and you need to take your days off. If you start doing this for every patient you could end up sacrificing a lot of time that you need to enable you to stay fit and well so you can continue to do your job to a high standard. There’s nothing wrong with popping in to see how they are, but your organisation is exploiting you if they are letting you work for no pay. They should already have full staff cover and they don’t need you. While I wouldn’t be overjoyed having to take my partner to look at a new car I have done this on occasion and he has done it for me. I think your partner has a light to be annoyed - it’s the sort of thing couples do at the weekend, and you’re blowing him off to support someone you don’t know and who is already supported and presumably has family there as well.

I agree with this. You won't be doing this five years down the line in your role, I'll bet.

Iwouldlikesomecake · 07/01/2023 10:07

Me and my husband both work in jobs where sometimes the thing to do is go ‘see you on Monday’ and sometimes it’s to rearrange things to pop in on a weekend to make sure something specific is ok. There’s times when he works outside work hours that he absolutely doesn’t need to (me not so much) but sometimes I can see when it is super important and those times are when I rally round him, not have a go for ruining our plans. Particularly when it involves the end of someone’s life.

YANBU and it sounds like you do have boundaries, particularly if you will make sure you get your time back. It’s possible to be kind and put yourself out without being a pushover and it sounds like that’s what you’ve done here.

FWIW when my dad was really ill over Christmas, one of his regular carers popped in or phoned on the days she didn’t have to, just because she was worried about him and my mum, and it meant a lot.

crimsonlake · 07/01/2023 10:08

I'm on the fence with this one, you are clearly dedicated and caring to those who are under your care. However, I think you are demonstrating a lack of sensitivity and care towards your boyfriend changing your plans last minute. It is clearly 'important' to him and you cannot see that?

OffredsNose · 07/01/2023 10:11

YABU. You need to detach from work. (I say that as a healthcare professional myself)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/01/2023 10:23

YANBU. If you would only go in when someone is dying and it happens fairly irregularly then I don't think all the 'work is taking over your life' posts are really relevant

If it was happening monthly that you were going in to do unexpected overtime then this would impact your boyfriend and I can see why he would be pissed off. However if it's a complete one off surely he can suck it up so that a dying man can get the equipment he needs

Zipps · 07/01/2023 10:24

I agree you must detach. If you can't it's not very professional because everything is about you and you need to switch off to be able to go back refreshed and rested to do a good job for the next patients. Doing things with your bf is a great way to relax and enjoy yourself so that you can play your part on your next shift.
I worked in a similar role years ago and no way would our manager have allowed you in under those circumstances, that's how you get burnt out.
Sounds like you could use therapy regards your mum though.

Tilllly · 07/01/2023 10:26

jess333 · 07/01/2023 10:00

I honestly don’t have the energy to explain why me going in for a couple of hours for no pay is the right thing to do. I think people either get it or they don’t. This patient has no family, and he’s very young. I’ll finish early or start late one day next week. My boyfriend is going to have to deal with it because I’m more annoyed about his reaction. It’s a car, and there’ll be many more. It’s not urgent.

I get it

Bless you. Go to work and do what you can to improve this for your patient, and for your own peace of mind

Your bf is being a cockwomble but deal with that later

MiddleParking · 07/01/2023 10:33

My boyfriend is going to have to deal with it because I’m more annoyed about his reaction. It’s a car, and there’ll be many more. It’s not urgent.

If you want to take this attitude to his feelings then you’re going to have to deal with the fact that he’s pissed off with you, as would most people be if their partner dismissed them like this. Why on Earth did you ask AIBU?

Sleepybumble · 07/01/2023 10:33

He doesn't sound like a good match for you. This won't be a one off in your career. Honestly, he's shown you what type of person he is. Believe him! He's not the same as you. I'm a nurse and had a boyfriend who sounds similar to him. He just didn't get the unpaid overtime, staying late, not able to leave work at work, the emotional load. I ended it , as my career was not going to change and neither was he. Now very happily married to a lovely understanding caring person. Who works in a similar field. Sending hugs

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 07/01/2023 10:38

Most people who work outside of a healthcare setting don't understand the type of commitment required and necessary to do the job justice so few coupling with "outsiders" last long. Sorry! That's why most of us have partners within the same field, or at least from professions which require similar levels of dedication. Others just don't 'get it' when you have to do something which sounds ridiculous to any sane person, or ruin your plans for the umpteenth time. They naturally get irritated and annoyed when plans are disturbed for what they see as trivial things and, worse, for no financial gain! It's the normal reaction.

Your BF will have been thinking about this car for ages, scouring ads, and if he's a car nut, trying to find the right one can take months - as long, if not longer, as finding a house to buy.

Given that he's not in healthcare, and he needs more time to understand the lifestyle of being with someone who is, you have 2 options: either accept that he'll never understand and move on, or if you feel that he'll eventually start to comprehend, cut him some slack.

Natty13 · 07/01/2023 10:42

I'm on the other side of this.

Though hopefully not an insensitive dick, I have felt put out when my DH has stayed late or picked up extra meaning it takes time away from me and our family life. I deal with it by telling myself i can feel annoyed or frustrated all i want as long as my feelings don't affect the way i talk to or behave towards him. You can't change the way you feel but you choose how to behave.

His caring, dedicated qualities are what me fall in love with him in the first place. The fact he will go above and beyond for a patient is also the same reason if I'm even slightly run down or ill he will send me to the sofa to get under a blanket and do everything for me even when it's my turn. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't look after me and so obviously that aspect of his personality extends to other areas.

Couldyounot · 07/01/2023 10:45

Most car dealers I've used can be reached by public transport, so there's that option. He sounds like a twat, and quite immature.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 07/01/2023 11:02

I honestly can't believe anyone would vote that YABU. Someone is DYING! I would be doing the exact same in your situation and so would most capable people. Like you said, it's a car and there will be more.

Also the posters saying ' I can tell you're new to the job, you won't be doing this in 5 years time'. So? Not relevant at all as they are doing it now.

He sounds insensitive yes but like you said his job is the polar opposite to yours so he won't be able to get his head around it the same way.

You sound lovely OP and I hope everything works out the best for you.

Stressfordays · 07/01/2023 11:03

I'm a nurse who deals with end of life care. Its so difficult to detatch yourself but you need to. For your own mental health. Getting over involved and invested is a recipe for burn out. Its very difficult when newly qualified to do this, but as time goes on, you realise you need to. Relating it to your mums death is not healthy, you will see lots of it over your career and you need to learn to separate it.

Also, I think most people would be pissed off if their partner chose to go into work unpaid on their day off and sacked their plans off with them.

Stressfordays · 07/01/2023 11:05

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 07/01/2023 11:02

Also the posters saying ' I can tell you're new to the job, you won't be doing this in 5 years time'. So? Not relevant at all as they are doing it now.

He sounds insensitive yes but like you said his job is the polar opposite to yours so he won't be able to get his head around it the same way.

You sound lovely OP and I hope everything works out the best for you.

With all due respect, people die all the time. If you did this everytime you had an end of life patient, you would make yourself very very ill.

FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 11:07

OP you sound like a very caring person who puts yourself out and genuinely wants to help those around you. You should absolutely not change this personality trait but you should be aware that people who are kind and generous sometimes attract people who are leaches and love to take. Is your boyfriend used to being the recipient of your kindness? Is he now throwing a strop because he doesn't have your time, attention and generosity on tap every second he wants it?

FromTheFront2theBack · 07/01/2023 11:08

Stressfordays · 07/01/2023 11:05

With all due respect, people die all the time. If you did this everytime you had an end of life patient, you would make yourself very very ill.

Show quote history

OP has specifically said this doesn't happen all the time in her field though so this isn't relevant.

RedHelenB · 07/01/2023 11:10

He feels the way he feels. Think it was sensible of him to go home in this situation.

FloydPepper · 07/01/2023 11:12

He’s being labelled a twat because man, and because car. I’m pretty sure no one is telling the women posting they’d be annoyed, that they are twats.

he was a bit insensitive but quickly changed his mind. I understand why you feel you need to go in. I wonder if all blokes working on a weekend would get understanding on here though..,

MichelleScarn · 07/01/2023 11:12

ShandaLear · 07/01/2023 09:45

Sorry - just read more carefully. If they’re short staffed and they want you to go in then they need to pay you. If they do not feel the need to pay you then they are really exploiting you. You should not be working for free and doing so sets a dangerous precedent for you and for your colleagues who could understandably be quite angry about this.

This. If the issue is that you're going in because of short staffing it sends a message to management they don't need to deal with this and sort out recruitment etc. It can then make other staff look 'difficult' or not a team player if they're then not able to or don't come in for free on their off day.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 07/01/2023 11:12

@Stressfordays OP specifically said it's a young person with no Family. They also said it doesn't frequently happen.

Herejustforthisone · 07/01/2023 11:14

Are people really laying into the OP for giving up two hours of her day to help a young dying person? Fucking hell.

And are the posters really defending the actions of her boyfriend, who is sulking and punishing the OP because she can’t drive him to go look at a car for him?

Why can’t the immature twat find someone else to take him, or make his own way there via public transport?

ApiratesaysYarrr · 07/01/2023 11:14

Unreaosnable on both sides. Your boyfriend is an adult and should be able to deal with a change in plans.

However as a HCPmyself, so understanding that you can often get very close to your patients, I would say that YABU to go in to work without getting paid (or written confirmation of TOIL).

Craftycorvid · 07/01/2023 11:16

You know you need to go and be with your patient and you won’t get another opportunity to do so. Your chap can look at cars any time. However, he might well feel he’s going to come second to your work forever now that you have qualified. The sulking might be about the level of attention and energy your work takes from you that he is used to getting. I think you do what you need to do, acknowledge he is disappointed but a death can’t be predicted that easily. It’s a rare event in your line of work, as you say. Make time to sit down and talk to one another non-defensively about how he feels about your job and its demands on you, and what you need from him in terms of emotional support.

WandaWonder · 07/01/2023 11:18