Is my boyfriend being insensitive? Feel like I’m going mad

[jess333]

So I’m a newly qualified health care professional (not a nurse) and I work in mental health. It’s a setting where (natural) deaths don’t frequently occur but obviously it happens.

One of the patients assigned to me has a lot of physical health issues and is sadly now receiving end of life care. I usually work weekdays only, but today I’ve offered to go in as they’re short staffed and this patient needs help.

My boyfriend is in the process of looking for a new car and today wanted me to drive an hour away so that he could look at one and maybe test drive it, however I told him that this is important for me so that I know that I’ve done everything I could. He was pissed off when I told him last night because we had plans and that I’m going into work for no pay. I’d already had a shocker of a day, and I burst into tears. He’s aware that this death at work is very close to home as my mum died in a similar way and at a very similar age.

Last night he was in a mood and wouldn’t talk to me cos he didn’t want to argue. This made me feel like shit cos I’d rather talk and discuss than just pretend everything’s ok. Then he was insisting that I go to work and it’s fine. I asked him to go home in the end because I was so upset and disappointed in him. I’ve heard nothing from him since.

Aibu or has he been a dick?

I think he's a dick and I was pleased to see you sent him home!

I'm an AHP also working in a difficult area which is very emotional. I don't think your boyfriend is being a dick. He doesn't understand - how could he? It's your job to communicate to him if you are having a hard day and what you need. Yes he could have reacted better 're the car, but suddenly your weekend plans have changed at short notice.

I don't use my DH as support from work unless it's a clear I'm exhausted, could you please make dinner?' etc that's why you have psychology support at work.

I get it, I sat and held a (40yo) lady's hand whilst she was dying because she was scared, when my role that day was focused was adjusting her ventilator settings. It was heartbreaking and I've been in many similarly heart breaking situation in my almost 20 years of practice. You have seen something which reminds you of your mum and this is likely the reason you are going in, unpaid on your day off. The best action would be highlighting the care this lady needs and ensuring the staffing reflects this. Raising it to senior staff if staffing is an issue.

I say this in the nicest possible way, you need to protect yourself from becoming too attached and burning out. Ive seen many fantastic caring AHPS burn out and never return the same.I would suggest getting some therapy and making sure you discuss this in supervision and reflect. Often HCP go into the job for a reason - we are fixers and want to help.

Your bf is being childish and demanding. As you say, there’s plenty of cars available for sale. He could rearrange to see this car another time or get a mate to go across with him.

I think I'm going to have to agree with other HCP on the thread and say YABU. Mostly for the same reasons, I think you're getting a little bit too personally involved in this scenario; but also because I think anyone would be pissed off if someone cancelled plans at the last minute, making things logistically awkward for them - sure, he can try to get a train or a bus, but that may not be feasible due to anything from network not stretching to where he needs to go, cost of booking at the last minute, or even strikes.

I don't think that makes him insensitive or a bad person in some way, I think that's a normal reaction to being let down by someone they were relying upon - YABU.

Sorry OP YABU.

Ok I’ve been and done what I needed to do, and my manager has said I will be paid.

My boyfriend didn’t need me to drive him - he just wanted me to go with him in his car to see the new car. Yes it’s not ideal that I had to change plans last minute but I don’t regret doing what I needed to do.

You are amazing and I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
I am just trying to play devil's advocate with my next comment, but do you often bring your work life into your personal life? I'm just thinking that there might be more to it than this one-off situation.
Hope you get the support you need

A human life is far more important than a car. Cars can be fixed, replaced or bought brand new. Humans can't. Not the last two anyway.

YANBU, OP. Anybody who says that you are is a cold, heartless cow who I would never want to the opportunity to meet. That's all there is to it.

Same

You ought to be getting paid OP. It's never JUST moving and lifting, those tasks are vital to the patient's safety, require training and professionalism. Besides, you need your days off to recharge physically and mentally from this demanding and very necessary job and if you are to put in extra hours, it's only right that you are paid for them. Take care of yourself. You sound a bit burned out if you are bursting into tears that quickly (not that this is a criticism of you - burnout in your type of job is very common).

For people who are confused at why people are saying the OP IBU, it's about professional boundaries and ensuring protecting her own mental health - not about the boyfriend.

Experienced health care professionals know OP is on the road to burnout if she continues to practice like this. Getting that attached to a patient is a recipe for disaster, but I imagine it sounds very harsh to those not in healthcare.

It’s not about the boyfriend or the car, it’s about detaching from work as a professional is expected to do

I haven't read all the posts yet so I apologise if things have moved on.

I can understand his disappointment and I can also understand that he doesn't 'get' your line of work because his is so different. I get annoyed when DH announces he's agreed to extra shifts without talking to me beforehand but he is NOT doing a role like yours and he doesn't need to do these extra shifts.

Having said all that your partner is really overreacting and needs to grow up and realise these things happen and in the grand scheme of things there will be other weekends to sort the car out however you do not have endless weekends as it's a time sensitive situation.

Don’t be so bloody patronising. It’s tiresome. And don’t assume those of us who still think her stroppy boyfriend is a dick, and that the OP isn’t a naive mug for helping out with a young dying client/patient/service user, don’t also work in caring professions.

I don't think he's a keeper, OP.

This. I am a carer and some of us are quite capable of not acting like robots going that extra mile without suffering from burnout.

ill agree to disagree

Bless your heart. Find someone who shares your values, throw this one back

Well based on that then YAbitBU for being annoyed with something that you don't expect him to understand

I don't think a lot of the posters understand that an OT in a mental health setting is in a minority in the team. There may have been staff in but they were probably mental health nurses or healthcare assistants and an OT would be required to set up equipment correctly. As Op said it was something that is unlikely to be required regularly and in that instant I would have done the same, in fact I have gone into work at an hours notice over weekend in an emergency even though I'm a physical OT. The good will of NHS staff is what is holding it together. Sometimes it is inevitable that somebody's story gets to you more than others, if it didn't its time to do a different job!

I don't necessarily think he's BU by being annoyed. You had made plans with him. Hecwas relying on you and you let him down because you chose to do something else. Its not for us to say whether it's the right or wrong choice but maybe he's projecting forward and wondering if 'supporting you' is going to be a thing. Personally I think they're exceptional circumstances but I think there could have been some flexibility with the time you went in so you had time to go car buying too.
You asked him to leave butvyou think he should apologise. I don't think you're going to get an apology other than a generic lm sorry you feel that way.
How would you feel if he cancelled your plans to go round your mums for dinner because his football team were playing (and he hadn't anticipated it)?
Make up and move on.....or separate

Have read all the subsequent posts to mine and even on reflection: after 20 years in the job I would still go in for certain very unusual circumstances. Would I always do it? Absolutely not- that would lead to burnout. But very occasional unusual circumstances warrant it and I think you learn which are those and which are the ones you feel bad but know that going home is the right thing to do.

Same as my husband’s job sometimes takes precedence. But his sense of the right thing to do is one of the reasons I married him, so I won’t complain he is exercising that by doing the right thing in a job that he has dedicated his life to. For the good and safety of other people.

You'd be pissed off if your boyfriend had an actual heart?

This patient has no family, and he’s very young.

OP prioritised a dying young man's final moments over a "come and see this car I'm interested in" request phrased as a demand. A fucking car, that he will maybe or maybe not own.

I work in care and this is the thing that upsets me the most . .your job is in the title "Carer" because you care ..# "quotation marks"
You go girl and don't listen to the Shit head partner.
A car is a thing,your client is a human being, the country is short of people who really care, it's in hindsight, job satisfaction.
Tell him to buy a bicycle.