I think i am bu about cooking!

[Hullyhuman]

Think am …but just need to admit it and vent .

background -
pre dc dh and I grew much of our own veg . Both into fitness, organic food ,wellbeing. Both veggie. Both cooked good food equally well . Important to us .

later-
I was a sathm on a limited income for 5 years .
During this time , out if necessity , I learnt how to cook good , cheap, nutritious food. it was our way of life .
for example. If just had carrots in and a potatoe I would make carrot and coriander soup.

Later.
I went back to work part time , dh full time.
It was fair that I cooked , meal planned . I cooked 7 days a week from scratch as it was agreed that this was the cheapest way to get a good variety of food . About x1 a week I would use something like quorn sausages , in a stew or with mash , and veg. Or quorn mince , pieces

20 oddyears on post dc i e now / couple years ago started feeling utterly fed up of cooking every day. Bored. ( know some of my friends felt the same.)
lacked motivation . Told dh ,but we both agreed that this was best way. Got more cookery books , kept trying . Typical meals would be a healthy salad, beans / pulses / rice ( luke a burrito bowl) or sandwiches Homemade soup for lunch and something like a spag bol. , a curry, chilli etc for main meal. Lasagna .. amongst Thai etc .

Dc left home , we both work part time now . i do most of housework . Meal plan. All of cooking. I organise all our social life for eg cook , invite people round, get the wine , when dc home I do same . Dh does the admin as I am appalling at it
.
Given I've cooked for most days for 30 plus years ,i explained to dh that I've just simply got bored of it and have started to hate it. Feel like have hot a brick wall-cannot afford to eat out much at all / takeways.. we have a limited income as we work pt and do not claim any benefits. Our choice.

I asked if he would cook sometimes.. all good . i noticed that he cooked but did easy fast meals like a hot sandwich for the main meal , whereas for years we both agreed on a highly nutritious way of cooking. dh is into fitness still in his 60 s and eats very well eg for b fast he makes self a shake and a bowl of blueberries , milled seeds, mixed nuts. To show the picture .

Then .. I had to go away for a long work day . 6 hour round trip, separate / in addition from the actual work . Was very tired when I got back , which influenced my reaction ( over reaction) !

We also had guests in the house , and the norm would be that we cook them a decent meal.

When I got back , dh had cooked / bought convenience food … now please note that I appreciate that this is no big deal to many people , but given our way of doing things I felt that the one ,or one of the very rare days he cooks, given that I had been out of the house for about 12 hours and we had guests , that it would have been nice to return to a nice home cooked hot meal( one that he has had cooked for home day in day out for 30
plus years , despite my waning wish to do so ) .

I tried to hide that feeling and he said whats the matter .. I said nothing , but he pushed it , so i said , well I just wanted a decent meal to come home to one the one day I dont cook.. he said that rhe meal was perfectly adequate .
What is the fuss about . I get it , I do , but was utterly fed up and wanted a nurturing meal .
I dont know what happened but I suddenly thought sod this , if adequate is good enough , why do I bother. I tried to explain, why I wanted the care that I put into meals. I was making a fuss. So , a wave of I just cant be bothered then / adequate is ok then hit me .
I said that was going to do that then . Ie adequate myself /i cant be bothered. I am aware that this sounds controlling, but I just wanted someone else to cook a meal like I have for them for so many years .. and I admit not just do a short cut .its about thought and effort .

now . A month down rhe line ….i have continued to take the easy food route . Pasta pesto and veg. Sausage and mash . No chopping all sorts for things like a dhall with rice with bombay potatoes and chilli and ginger veg. Just easy adequate food.. .so easy .

But dh says that I have been punishing him .. by withdrawing and cooking this way because it stemmed from that night. Its more expensive , less healthy. That ive taken “ my bat home” .

I admit it was a relief but also admit it was born out of a feeling of “up yours “ 😂..because he just would not listen to why I wnatwd a nice meal like I make for others..
it is a bit vengefull( and not nice)

shall i swallow my pride , as well as he food😂, and cook as I used to ? ( but ask him to cook proper meal s a couple of days a week - as I said he did used to do that - but acknowledge that he will most slide into easy , whilst holding the expectation that I will cook well/ effort full meals?

We have been married for many years , it is , I suppose domestic fatigue( anyone else had this ) and a new way of life where he is now part time / around a lot ... And the perils of the menopause ! ( i hope you can tell that I recognise that this is domestic trivia , and that I am laughing at myself and recognising that I am being a grumpy tired post meno state.!

Women!

Would so love an edit button.

I went to my friends and drank a bottle of prosecco with her . Ive just come back home , 4 hours later. He is cooking what smells like a meal .

What do i do now ?!!!
😂
At some point i will tell him how childish he has been and also ask how we can move forward.

Looking good OP. 🤞

What do you do now? Eat the meal and thank him. If he’s being fair, there’s no need to tell him he was childish and discuss how to move forward. Assume the penny’s dropped with him. If it hasn’t, do what you did today again.

I will .. i dont think can say much anyway as had half a bottle of Prosecco. !! 😂

If the person who does the job gets to decide how to do it, then why does that only apply to him, and not to you? If you don't feel like cooking something fancy, that's your prerogative, no matter whether it's in response to his laziness or not.

He is also misinterpreting your having made the easy meal. He's saying that if you were happy to cook all the meals until he cooked an easy one on "your day off" and that now you are trying to get revenge. But in reality you have been tired of doing aaaallll the cooking for many years. This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. But he doesn't accept that because the core problem is that he thinks your perspective on your own life is less valid than his. If he says you were happy doing all the cooking then you were, even though you actually weren't. He is telling you that you are wrong about how you feel. That's the basic problem as I read it from your posts.

He's also overestimating his input relative to yours. How does he know the life admin is equal to the cooking in amount of effort? He's just telling it to you as if it's a fact. He decides the facts, he decides how you feel, if there's a disagreement you are just wrong even on your own feelings.

When combined with him saying, the person who does the job gets to decide how, but then not applying that to you just as to himself, all together it adds up to he doesn't see you as equal. You tell him something and he gets to decide how you feel, if it's true, if it's equal, whatever. He's the boss. You're the employee. Wife = employee.

the core problem is that he thinks your perspective on your own life is less valid than his. He is telling you that you are wrong about how you feel. He decides the facts, he decides how you feel, if there's a disagreement you are just wrong even on your own feelings…he doesn't see you as equal…he gets to decide how you feel, if it's true, if it's equal, whatever. He's the boss. You're the employee. Wife = employee.

Nailed it.
Set your standards high OP, ignore his arguments, and demand that he steps up. What’s sauce the for the gander is sauce for the goose.

MOT is once annually and if you get it done once, the garage reminds you annually too. The DVLA will also remind you when tax is due for renewal. The insurance company also sends a reminder annually. In total it’s about 20 mins emails/clicking buttons per year plus one day dropping the car off and picking it up later, so depending on the distance to garage perhaps generously we can say he’s spending an hour on that annually, plus the 20 minutes of button clicking.

He’s taking the absolute piss and I wouldn’t even put pesto on his pasta. Spaghetti Hoops from now unto eternity.

Add up how long it takes to a meal when you cook-do you do the shopping/plan what to buy, what to cook, prepare everything? Times that by 365 and tell him doing the admin/bins is NOT comparable. He’s the one being vengeful and nasty, ignoring you and telling you to do the tasks he does, very childish.

Not complicated. I do all that. All you need is a calendar.
I recently insured 4 people on 2 cars and breakdown cover. Took less than half an hour , once a year.
He's being petulant.

I have ADHD also. He's infantilising you. You can learn all that stuff it's not hard.
What if he dropped dead ? You'd have no choice.
My friend can't put air in her tyres because her husband does it , I despair.

@Hullyhuman silent treatment is abusive.

We sat and talked about it this am . He has admitted he can be consescending in approach rather than other ways of dealing with things . He admitted he felt i didnt care about him by changing things . I took the very good advise on here saying to say yes ive changed etc .. and he has cooked tea for the second night .
we have agreed to menu plan and take it in turn to cook. When he has more work in the latter part of the year, i will cook more but not necessarily involved meals and it was been agreed that no one will cook ( instead have a micro baked pot ) if they dont want to !

You both feel that cooking elaborate/involved meals from scratch is expression of love: “He admitted he felt i didnt care about him by changing things“ and have reached an excellent result, OP.
😃

Go you!! Fantastic result x

Well done ,@Hullyhuman . I guess communication was key. Don't slip into old habits though.

I wont !! Thanks !

Wow. Finally a thread with a decent ending where both parties compromise. I think this is the first 😮

Well done for sticking to your guns and forging a new way forward

Unfortunately these kind of questions do tend to lead to moralising by some people….aka the person who’d be disappointed to be served a lasagna that contained jar sauces.

We all make choices on a daily basis about what to feed ourselves and our families. Most of us manage some hot meals and a mixture of protein, carbs, veg etc. Some of it is very easy and quick and other stuff involves lots of work and time. Fine. We all have our own ideas of what we will and won’t do, and most of us are a bit flexible as regards to that depending on the individual day and what’s going on, rather than being totally rigid. And most people get that and understand that individuals have different circumstances, skills, enthusiasm, budgets which result in different meals and levels of preparation for them. It’s only those who want to moralise, have zero empathy for others’ situations or are entirely rigid who need to assert that certain things could never ever be even considered cooking or feeding your family, but are somehow a lesser approach, and should never be used.

Haven’t RTFT yet, so sorry if this has been said, but you haven’t stopped cooking so his comparison is bullshit.

I love cooking, and work fewer hours so tend to do the majority (it’s good wind down time) but my oh happily cooks when I ask or he offers. With four children there’s some convenience but I’d say 8-9/10 meals are 100% from scratch, with leftovers for another day.

You, however don’t like cooking currently. Therefore you should be doing it 50/50. Maybe accept a 4:3 split, to start with and both of you get to make a convenience meal a week. Two out of 5 is nothing, and wouldn’t cost the Earth.

On your days how about focussing on one pan meals? Less effort and less to clean up.
A big pan of roasted veg with cous cous takes 10 mins prep.