I think i am bu about cooking!

[Hullyhuman]

Think am …but just need to admit it and vent .

background -
pre dc dh and I grew much of our own veg . Both into fitness, organic food ,wellbeing. Both veggie. Both cooked good food equally well . Important to us .

later-
I was a sathm on a limited income for 5 years .
During this time , out if necessity , I learnt how to cook good , cheap, nutritious food. it was our way of life .
for example. If just had carrots in and a potatoe I would make carrot and coriander soup.

Later.
I went back to work part time , dh full time.
It was fair that I cooked , meal planned . I cooked 7 days a week from scratch as it was agreed that this was the cheapest way to get a good variety of food . About x1 a week I would use something like quorn sausages , in a stew or with mash , and veg. Or quorn mince , pieces

20 oddyears on post dc i e now / couple years ago started feeling utterly fed up of cooking every day. Bored. ( know some of my friends felt the same.)
lacked motivation . Told dh ,but we both agreed that this was best way. Got more cookery books , kept trying . Typical meals would be a healthy salad, beans / pulses / rice ( luke a burrito bowl) or sandwiches Homemade soup for lunch and something like a spag bol. , a curry, chilli etc for main meal. Lasagna .. amongst Thai etc .

Dc left home , we both work part time now . i do most of housework . Meal plan. All of cooking. I organise all our social life for eg cook , invite people round, get the wine , when dc home I do same . Dh does the admin as I am appalling at it
.
Given I've cooked for most days for 30 plus years ,i explained to dh that I've just simply got bored of it and have started to hate it. Feel like have hot a brick wall-cannot afford to eat out much at all / takeways.. we have a limited income as we work pt and do not claim any benefits. Our choice.

I asked if he would cook sometimes.. all good . i noticed that he cooked but did easy fast meals like a hot sandwich for the main meal , whereas for years we both agreed on a highly nutritious way of cooking. dh is into fitness still in his 60 s and eats very well eg for b fast he makes self a shake and a bowl of blueberries , milled seeds, mixed nuts. To show the picture .

Then .. I had to go away for a long work day . 6 hour round trip, separate / in addition from the actual work . Was very tired when I got back , which influenced my reaction ( over reaction) !

We also had guests in the house , and the norm would be that we cook them a decent meal.

When I got back , dh had cooked / bought convenience food … now please note that I appreciate that this is no big deal to many people , but given our way of doing things I felt that the one ,or one of the very rare days he cooks, given that I had been out of the house for about 12 hours and we had guests , that it would have been nice to return to a nice home cooked hot meal( one that he has had cooked for home day in day out for 30
plus years , despite my waning wish to do so ) .

I tried to hide that feeling and he said whats the matter .. I said nothing , but he pushed it , so i said , well I just wanted a decent meal to come home to one the one day I dont cook.. he said that rhe meal was perfectly adequate .
What is the fuss about . I get it , I do , but was utterly fed up and wanted a nurturing meal .
I dont know what happened but I suddenly thought sod this , if adequate is good enough , why do I bother. I tried to explain, why I wanted the care that I put into meals. I was making a fuss. So , a wave of I just cant be bothered then / adequate is ok then hit me .
I said that was going to do that then . Ie adequate myself /i cant be bothered. I am aware that this sounds controlling, but I just wanted someone else to cook a meal like I have for them for so many years .. and I admit not just do a short cut .its about thought and effort .

now . A month down rhe line ….i have continued to take the easy food route . Pasta pesto and veg. Sausage and mash . No chopping all sorts for things like a dhall with rice with bombay potatoes and chilli and ginger veg. Just easy adequate food.. .so easy .

But dh says that I have been punishing him .. by withdrawing and cooking this way because it stemmed from that night. Its more expensive , less healthy. That ive taken “ my bat home” .

I admit it was a relief but also admit it was born out of a feeling of “up yours “ 😂..because he just would not listen to why I wnatwd a nice meal like I make for others..
it is a bit vengefull( and not nice)

shall i swallow my pride , as well as he food😂, and cook as I used to ? ( but ask him to cook proper meal s a couple of days a week - as I said he did used to do that - but acknowledge that he will most slide into easy , whilst holding the expectation that I will cook well/ effort full meals?

We have been married for many years , it is , I suppose domestic fatigue( anyone else had this ) and a new way of life where he is now part time / around a lot ... And the perils of the menopause ! ( i hope you can tell that I recognise that this is domestic trivia , and that I am laughing at myself and recognising that I am being a grumpy tired post meno state.!

If you feel like cooking then cook. If someone else cooks for you then don't complain. I do all the admin in my house. It's a huge job.

Set reminders on your phone for car insurance etc

OP my husband has ADHD and he does the majority of our admin.

He has to set himself alarms in his phone about a month before the deadline of any task, he sets repeat alarms so that he doesn't get rid of the alarm until the task is done. He has never failed once.

To be fair, I do the bins, it's a 2 minute job and he does forget the bin day if 'm not about, but that's because it's not one of his tasks. It if we're his job he would set an alarm.

Honestly daily cooking, weekly meal planning and shopping is way bigger task than admin and bins. Ask to swap and say it's not a punishment it's an absolute drudge and you're sick of it and he should take the mental load now, you've done your shift.

If he turns to convenience foods then make yourself proper food and screw him!

“Punishing” him by cooking decent food, just not quite as fancy as before?

what an unattractive whingey demanding man!

And what’s with all the “admin”? I do both, and admin is mostly direct debits/standing orders, and my tax return which takes 1 day.

as to cooking, sausages and mash and veg is a decent meal and not bad, nutritionally

I do all the cooking, and if DH is in charge he does supermarket pizza or pasta with a ready made sauce, so I get your frustration, it’s the same here 😁 But DH is very happy with everything I cook, and would not dream of commenting negatively as he considers himself very lucky, even with eggs and chips and salad, or whatever I rustle up (I cook healthy and fun dishes most days, but some days I coo out) and he knows I’d run away to Greece and find a new lover if he’d be a dick (Shirley Valentine scared the dhit out of him 😂)

I know exactly how you feel - covid did it for me, the mental boredom of feeding everyone 3x a day healthily.

i did a year of gousto which was great for taking the decision making out of it, but eventually i just felt i’d fallen out of love with cooking. I told dh who shrugged and said “fair enough. I’ll cook when i can and we’ll have sandwiches and soup the rest of the time.” It doesn’t have to be sulking and one-sidedness.

You should definitely learn the "admin" anyway in case anything happens to your DH. That's just sensible adulting.

And he needs to take on his share of the cooking. Match his efforts.

Do the admin badly and don't shop around . Tell him he can't criticise how you do it

@Flipthefrugal I fully agree with you!

He’s being an arse.

”DH, I am agreeing with you. I was angry and upset that you’d bought convenience food rather than make something from scratch. You said it was perfectly acceptable. And the penny dropped - it is perfectly acceptable.”

”So if I, like you, feel I don’t want make some big production, or want have soup and a sandwich… that’s ok! You are right, I didn’t see it before but I do now. And it’s great, because I’m sick to the back teeth of cooking.”

Well the obvious comeback is that you are doing this task (cooking) and you've decided the new quality. If he wants to take it over, he is welcome.

But the admin as a fair exchange is, well, not fair.

With no kids left at home surely the admin is minimal. It's not like most people change providers every few weeks. Usually its yearly at most (except water, council tax, road tax which are all set and cannot be changed) and others that can be shopped around for could easily be every two years or even 3.

I know my house insurance has been with the same company for about 12 years now. The cost goes up maybe a fiver and I dont look around for better cos who cares for five quid. And the bins, well that's a 2 minute job, stick a calendar up and write on it which bin on which day or see if your council has an app. Mine does. Open app, see which bin goes out. Pretty simple and much simpler than cooking a full meal.
If you really must change providers often for some reason, get one of your children to help or a friend.

Swap roles and tell him for the next 30 years it's on him to cook, after that you will rethink.

I'm in a similar position. Also grew veg, am thrifty and fairly decent cook. It's the relentlessness of doing it daily isn't it and the head space it takes up! No advice but I understand!

Say this.

Then add:

‘Now we both work less and are at home more, let’s look again at the tasks.

I am fed up of always cooking and doing all the old favourite meals, so I suggest we do a meal plan together every week and divide up who is cooking what.

In return, I’ll do the bins every other week, and [insert another task here].

That feels fair to me. What do you think?’

Honestly? You sound a bit too obsessed with food. Is food your "thing"? All that stuff about nutritious healthy decent food from scratch etc, I mean we all make these dishes that you mentioned in your OP, they are quite normal dishes, but it's not such a huge deal and it doesn't involve such drama. And there doesn't need to be so much fuss about each meal. Sometimes people make a big effort for their meals, sometimes a sandwich or a salad suffices. It's just food after all.

Your reaction to your DH's meal is really OTT to be off with him. It's much more than food, feels like he has violated a pact. And your By all means revise your division of labor to be fairer, but IMO you should think about why food is such a huge thing to you.

the reason is that he is so angry is he says is that until that meal he did i was happy to cook from scratch daily.
I told him that i was upset as i wanted the same for me on that day .
he said not its ok / adequate for once ( on yhe day he cooked )
the difficult thing is , he is right I have changed my behaviour because of that meal .
he sees it as revenge .. i struggle to find another. word .. to explain .. he keeps saying i have an agenda .. how can i explain it ?
i think the truth is if its good enough for you to cook that way then its good enought for me . The truth , though is ,, its nit good enough for me .. he knows that .. i like creative low cost veggie food .. i am cutting my nose of to spite my faca i asmit it and he knows it ! I just want someone to do the same if i get a day off.. for me , to enjoy that type of food.. but on his day he clearly makes something healthy ish but fast, liw effort, and when i try to aak for what i want he says that i
no i cant control what he cooks , its ok food .
this is a real dilemma. For me because i can't insist .. so its either keep doing it because i want that tyoe of food or cook what is to me boring food .

Sorry ! I had not read above ! Great advice no squirrels i will go with that .

Taloman
its a big thing because we Have grown our own food in the past . Because in out family its a sign of live and care to create good food .
our ds is an excellent cook as a result for example . I also wanted dc to understand that food can be made not pinged in a microwave , fillers etc , i have too very healthy young adults , fed well , its a way of life to us that is why.
plebty of similar people!

well I do the admin

What is actually required for the 'admin' and how long does it take him to do it "all".

Especially as you get older, it's a really good idea for women who have left areas like 'admin' to their partners to get a better feel for what is involved.

All our regular bills, including credit cards, are paid by direct debit from the household account, so that part essentially runs itself.

Once a year, I tend to shop around a bit for house insurance plus car insurance for myself, DH does his own car insurance and our household travel insurance.

Maybe I'm missing something but ... it doesn't seem like fair dub a in return for all the cooking and housework.

I seriously encourage you to use the excuse that you should know more about the admin in order to be better prepared for any eventual outcome.

Expect him to not give up the secrets of how little he actually dies without a bit of a struggle. Good luck.

He also says I would forget when mot due etc , which probably would!

Come on lovely @Hullyhuman if you want to continue pulling the 'oh what am I like ' stunt then maybe it is fair enough that you do so much more than him. Even if he spends a few house getting a good deal (which I doubt it's that long given goodie and money saving expert site) how long do you spend cooking over the year.

Yeah. Please get a bit more on top of this.

He says that i am punishing him tho by lowering my standards in response to his cooking on that day

So what if you are? He is just saying that to make you feel guilty and distract you from his game, which is to get you to do the lion's share of the stuff he can't be bothered about.

If it’s “a way of life” to you, then I’m struggling to understand what the issue is.

This is about much more than cooking. You sound quite downtrodden to be honest.

He cannot accept why I was

Ask your self what he gains from this position ? See how it gets him everything g he wants and you continuing to do all the real work.

Your initial post said pre kids both of you cooked good food equally well as it was important to you. Then once you had kids that you would carry on to the same standard, but that after many years you became utterly fed up yet carried on because of the agreement re the standard/quality of food.

Now that he has to cook again once a week he has changed the agreement by saying he doesn't have to make any effort, but you do?

You then go onto say that cooking well is a sign of love/care in your family. If that is true, not only has he changed the agreement, but he is clearly saying he doesn't care about you because you're not worth the effort.

His reaction to all of this is pretty pathetic. He should just admit he was wrong to serve up a microwave meal and that he will make an effort in his night going forward. If not, I'd be petty and just cook for myself that night and leave him to get and cook his own microwave meal.

Agree you sound downtrodden. He sounds belligerent.

Nosquirrels is right. Good approach.

I get where you're coming from, totally, op. And his tasks are very minor compared to yours. Annual, and weekly things that anyone with a wall calendar could manage.
Finding insurance and services is made easier by sites which compare different companies. He's making it sound harder than it is to frighten you into the kitchen, and I don't think that's fair.

he clearly makes something healthy ish but fast, liw effort, and when i try to aak for what i want he says that i
no i cant control what he cooks , its ok food .

Why is it ok for him to refuse to cook good meals from scratch when you ask but not ok for you to refuse when you ask for good meals?

He thinks he’s got you in a bind because he’s saying you changed from that one day. I would say that it wasn’t that one day, it’s just that day was the day that broke the camel’s back.

this is a real dilemma. For me because i can't insist .. so its either keep doing it because i want that tyoe of food or cook what is to me boring food .

You need to just cook for yourself. I know how hard this is, it goes against everything in us not to feed partner but you really have to be tough here.

From being someone who quite enjoyed cooking I've morphed over the years into a miserable old bat who now loathes cooking. So I don't. I recommend COOK, delivers tasty food that tastes home made.