I think i am bu about cooking!

[Hullyhuman]

Think am …but just need to admit it and vent .

background -
pre dc dh and I grew much of our own veg . Both into fitness, organic food ,wellbeing. Both veggie. Both cooked good food equally well . Important to us .

later-
I was a sathm on a limited income for 5 years .
During this time , out if necessity , I learnt how to cook good , cheap, nutritious food. it was our way of life .
for example. If just had carrots in and a potatoe I would make carrot and coriander soup.

Later.
I went back to work part time , dh full time.
It was fair that I cooked , meal planned . I cooked 7 days a week from scratch as it was agreed that this was the cheapest way to get a good variety of food . About x1 a week I would use something like quorn sausages , in a stew or with mash , and veg. Or quorn mince , pieces

20 oddyears on post dc i e now / couple years ago started feeling utterly fed up of cooking every day. Bored. ( know some of my friends felt the same.)
lacked motivation . Told dh ,but we both agreed that this was best way. Got more cookery books , kept trying . Typical meals would be a healthy salad, beans / pulses / rice ( luke a burrito bowl) or sandwiches Homemade soup for lunch and something like a spag bol. , a curry, chilli etc for main meal. Lasagna .. amongst Thai etc .

Dc left home , we both work part time now . i do most of housework . Meal plan. All of cooking. I organise all our social life for eg cook , invite people round, get the wine , when dc home I do same . Dh does the admin as I am appalling at it
.
Given I've cooked for most days for 30 plus years ,i explained to dh that I've just simply got bored of it and have started to hate it. Feel like have hot a brick wall-cannot afford to eat out much at all / takeways.. we have a limited income as we work pt and do not claim any benefits. Our choice.

I asked if he would cook sometimes.. all good . i noticed that he cooked but did easy fast meals like a hot sandwich for the main meal , whereas for years we both agreed on a highly nutritious way of cooking. dh is into fitness still in his 60 s and eats very well eg for b fast he makes self a shake and a bowl of blueberries , milled seeds, mixed nuts. To show the picture .

Then .. I had to go away for a long work day . 6 hour round trip, separate / in addition from the actual work . Was very tired when I got back , which influenced my reaction ( over reaction) !

We also had guests in the house , and the norm would be that we cook them a decent meal.

When I got back , dh had cooked / bought convenience food … now please note that I appreciate that this is no big deal to many people , but given our way of doing things I felt that the one ,or one of the very rare days he cooks, given that I had been out of the house for about 12 hours and we had guests , that it would have been nice to return to a nice home cooked hot meal( one that he has had cooked for home day in day out for 30
plus years , despite my waning wish to do so ) .

I tried to hide that feeling and he said whats the matter .. I said nothing , but he pushed it , so i said , well I just wanted a decent meal to come home to one the one day I dont cook.. he said that rhe meal was perfectly adequate .
What is the fuss about . I get it , I do , but was utterly fed up and wanted a nurturing meal .
I dont know what happened but I suddenly thought sod this , if adequate is good enough , why do I bother. I tried to explain, why I wanted the care that I put into meals. I was making a fuss. So , a wave of I just cant be bothered then / adequate is ok then hit me .
I said that was going to do that then . Ie adequate myself /i cant be bothered. I am aware that this sounds controlling, but I just wanted someone else to cook a meal like I have for them for so many years .. and I admit not just do a short cut .its about thought and effort .

now . A month down rhe line ….i have continued to take the easy food route . Pasta pesto and veg. Sausage and mash . No chopping all sorts for things like a dhall with rice with bombay potatoes and chilli and ginger veg. Just easy adequate food.. .so easy .

But dh says that I have been punishing him .. by withdrawing and cooking this way because it stemmed from that night. Its more expensive , less healthy. That ive taken “ my bat home” .

I admit it was a relief but also admit it was born out of a feeling of “up yours “ 😂..because he just would not listen to why I wnatwd a nice meal like I make for others..
it is a bit vengefull( and not nice)

shall i swallow my pride , as well as he food😂, and cook as I used to ? ( but ask him to cook proper meal s a couple of days a week - as I said he did used to do that - but acknowledge that he will most slide into easy , whilst holding the expectation that I will cook well/ effort full meals?

We have been married for many years , it is , I suppose domestic fatigue( anyone else had this ) and a new way of life where he is now part time / around a lot ... And the perils of the menopause ! ( i hope you can tell that I recognise that this is domestic trivia , and that I am laughing at myself and recognising that I am being a grumpy tired post meno state.!

After years of being apart a lot and valuing eating together, nowadays when we are together all the time, we have started to cook separately together. One cooks protein and we each make ourself a plate of salad or perhaps roast veg to go with it.

Maybe something like that would work for you. But mostly, don't be embarrassed to get him to pull his weight. Just observe how much he squirms to try and get out of doing his pair shard.

Re life admin. Set up annually recurring notes in your phone as a reminder for any life admin tasks you want to do. Simples.

I cant jusy cook for myself .. he would see it as petty and a punishment . He woild also say it costs more via energy , which is a concern for us .

He has avoided me all am , not seen him . Just got text to say he has gone out .

I am gathering my thoughts and feel
much better thank you .

Oh my god, he's absolutely taking the piss. That's about a days work across the course of a year, how many hours do you think you spend cooking?

He's trying to turn it back round on you. Do not give in to this op. He is the one in the wrong here.

He's punishing you.

Every accusation is a confession. Remember that.

This is hardly adult behaviour. Fine to have an argument and clear the air, but to as good as sulk about it, then sorry but if hes going to behave like a 3 year old I'd treat him as if he was three. Give him oven chips and chicken nuggets tonight. It's cheap, it uses only one tray and ovens at the same time. Wasting absolutely no excess fuel. Its perfectly fine.

Sigh, pressed post too soon.
It's made lovingly because you cooked it, the other option is no cooking. Which is more loving, bothering to cook at all or simply not.

Rubbish. These are annual tasks. Cooking is daily.

I reached middle age and decided I hated cooking. I just do basic stuff now and would happy never cook again

This. Absolutely this.

Well, if you like the way you used to cook then do it when you feel like it but not when you don't.

He said it is up to him what he cooked and he should not be punished for doing a lesser meal .

Perfect. Say that right back at him.

Honestly though, it feels as though its time for a proper talk about division of household chores. You cook 4 days, he does 3. Meal plan for the week. Divide who does what with cleaning, laundry, gardening etc. Draw it up so there is no confusion later on. Get a separate bank account if you haven't already.

BTW...most of house admin is once per year, food admin of planning, shopping and cooking is not and both rely on the same kind of thinking. Time to learn his jobs because if he suddenly leaves or dies you would be lost.

What stands out most from your thread op is how thoroughly he has done a number on you over the years! In your posts you seem to be constantly second guessing yourself and worrying about being "fair" or reasonable in your behaviour. Do you think he is worrying and second guessing himself?! I bet he isn't, but just bulldozing ahead, determined to bully you into doing things the way he wants.

Honestly op - you are not wrong in your views. Half the women in the country would probably agree with you, and most women would not allow themselves to be pushed around like this.

My advice - drop the rope. Don't argue, just go ahead with cooking as you want/feel is best and ignore all the sulking. If he really doesn't like the food you are preparing then he knows what he can do!

Don't let him make you feel bad!! You are not being unreasonable.

Honestly I think he's got a point.

Hes taking the piss. happy for you do do hours of work and no interest whatsoever in the 'womens work'.

I do the car admin and deals shopping and it takes a few evenings once a year.

The problem is he wants a housekeeper and doesnt like that you can see through the crap that men have peddled for generations about their work being harder (or in your husbands care, that a few hours of admin is equal to a years worth of home cooked meals). Yet they cant possibly look after a baby alone or cook as well or clean as well or just dont see mess....whilst still able to run global companies and occupy a higher percentage of management positions....

Dig in. You arent happy and he wants you to cave so his nice easy life is restored.

There seems to be two different issues here.

Firstly, you have an internal conflict about cooking and what you want to eat. You have had enough of cooking, and don't want to do it any more, and yet you still want to eat the nutritious from-scratch meals.
Imagine for a moment DH did not exist. Imagine you were totally single. How much and how often do you actually want to cook, to feed yourself the type of meals you like to eat?
You need to resolve this inner conflict first, and settle upon a balance for yourself between avoiding cooking but eating good food.

Secondly, there is the issue of DH not showing he cares, not feeding you with love and good food (psychologically the same thing to you) in the same way that you have fed him for decades. You feel unloved and taken for granted.
Try to sort out this problem in your relationship in a way that doesn't centre around food.
Think about the other ways he shows he cares. He has a different way of expressing it, which doesn't involve food, and possibly doesn't involve household chores at all. What are his ways of showing he loves you?

You are not going to get him to show he loves you by cooking for you like you do for him. That is just not him.

Have a long hard look at the balance of housework between you and him, and also the balance of loving-and-caring between you and him.

But first sort out your own issues with cooking at meals, without reference to him.

So he is punishing you but saying you can’t punish him. Incredible.

Where is your anger, OP?

Jesus H. Christ, what a thread.

So bloody sad to read.

I am married 30 years so have hair in the game.

Thats some piece of lazy work you have had use you, and fool you for 30 years.

I do the utility/car/mot here and would say it is absolute maximum 8 hours a YEAR......maximum.

As for the bins, 1 minute......husband does them but neither of us would dream of actually describing it as a job🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

So you have IMO, been his absolute skivvy for 30 years, for 9 hours a year.

270 hours over 30 years!

I would say that you would have to have been in an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship, to have accepted this.

Just because he is not physically hurting you does NOT mean this relationship is not abusive.

He's neither a good man nor a nice man OP.

You have just been so ground down and conditioned over the years that it is likely the "boiled frog analogy"....read up on it.

He is now punishing you because he wants his skivvy to live the rest of her life in servitude.

Reach out to friends and family for a chat.

Have a good haŕd long look at who you have spent 30 years skiving for, because I think you are as close to a servant wife as I have read on here, in a long time.

You poor woman.
Could your GP see if some counselling is available to support you.

Oh and cooking every single day is a complete PITA.
I am and have always been a fantastic cook, and have some friends very similar.
Loved it and baking for years.

Now I am largely done and so are they.
Cooking is another chore so we have pulled back hugely......menopause undoubtedly a part of the reevaluation too!

We suit ourselves but still enjoy our food.

You sound like a truly extraordinarily resourceful woman.

It is awful to read such effort and pure hard work taken so advantage of.

Wishing you well.

I’ve gone through the EXACT same thing. Same age, very long marriage, Dc moved out.

I was a SAHM so did all the cooking, laundry, shopping, admin, accounts, cleaning. He very occasionally cooked If we had guests and wanted to look good. Maybe unloaded the dishwasher once in a blue moon.

When he retired I’d also hit the wall ref cooking. I used to cook meals from scratch and work hard to make sure they were healthy and had a good amount of veg etc. If he did ever cook (pretty rare), it was always things like scrambled egg on toast or something from the freezer I’d previously made. I started buying convenience food but he made a comment about the preservatives etc in them. Idiot me went back to scratch cooking.

My Dd saw this and once at the dinner table when visiting brought up that he should do more cooking, she suggested hello fresh to broaden his skills and repertoire.

He instead started loading and unloading the dishwasher on a daily basis. I assumed he thought doing this would let him off cooking. I didn’t question him because I knew any complaint would lead to a Fuck off from him, and that I should be grateful, instead of moaning.

I totally get that you saw it as a eureka moment and let you off the hook for keeping up your own previously higher standards standards than his of what constitutes a decent meal.

Your husband is being a git of course. Is there anyway you could write it all down in an email to him. Say yes you were annoyed at his previous lack of effort but it’s because you want an easier life, not that you’re punishing him. This is all about you, not him.

I have no other solution, it made me look at the rest of my marriage, and I didn’t like what I saw. The very best bit of deciding to divorce, was he immediately volunteered that he would do his own cooking and laundry from that moment on. WIN!!!!!

A decade ago in my mid/late 40's I came across a term I hadn't heard before, the "thriving widow".

It came from a conversation about someone's mum me and my oldest friends knew whose father had died, and she was looking SO well.

One of my girlfriends explained it as it applied to someone in her family.

The husband dies and the widow, elderly, mid 70's gets what some would call a second wind, a new lease on life.

Is looking better than she has in YEARS and is doing very well, thank you very much.

Turns out these invariably "lovely" husbands were very "traditional", liked "routine" and "traditional meals"on time.

Basically kept their wives on a tight leash.

So their early death has been a dose of real freedom for the first time in 50 years.

These women speak very fondly of their husbands to their children and never denigrate their husbands, BUT the facts speak for themselves, they are looking and feeling well and enjoying being their own boss finally.

One such woman was offered childminding by her daughter of her first granddaughter to fill her time, but she cheerily thanked her but said she intended to play more Bridge, join another book club, take afternoon classes and couldn't commit any time to that!

These women had largely happy marriages, but their time was not their own and a retiring husband meant they had someone, if he didn't have hobbies like golf, were at home a lot and wanted them at home too!

Retirement was/is a very mixed bag for some women.

You can't complain about what he cooks? Then he can bloody well sod off complaining about what you cook when you take the easy route. He sounds awful.

Excellent posts and advice above.
Oh, bless, he really is having a temper tantrum in front of his wife who he assumes is his mummy. He can be lazy but you can’t cut corners? Low standards and little effort for you are not acceptable for him? He can punish you but you can’t show him your disappointment and give him the same treatment?
He needs to effing grow up, needs to learn hard and fast. Be his teacher and don’t relent.
Slick the lippy, put your coat on and eat out today. Keep doing this ad infinitum. Only eat snacks when in the house.

I would just agree and say yes I am punishing you because you have never once put the effort in to cook me a meal from scratch that didn't involve some shortcuts or opening of packets.

I'm now putting the same effort in to cooking that you do yourself (convenience) as well as taking the bins (no thought, planning or multiple steps needed). If you want to stop doing the bins as a result of that then fine, I will stop cooking all together. We can have a marriage based on tit for tat if you wish.

I think a huge percentage of wen Would put the bins out 7 nights a week if it meant they didn't carry the mental load of providing meals for a family/husband.

I know I certainly would take that swap any time.🤨