I think i am bu about cooking!

[Hullyhuman]

Think am …but just need to admit it and vent .

background -
pre dc dh and I grew much of our own veg . Both into fitness, organic food ,wellbeing. Both veggie. Both cooked good food equally well . Important to us .

later-
I was a sathm on a limited income for 5 years .
During this time , out if necessity , I learnt how to cook good , cheap, nutritious food. it was our way of life .
for example. If just had carrots in and a potatoe I would make carrot and coriander soup.

Later.
I went back to work part time , dh full time.
It was fair that I cooked , meal planned . I cooked 7 days a week from scratch as it was agreed that this was the cheapest way to get a good variety of food . About x1 a week I would use something like quorn sausages , in a stew or with mash , and veg. Or quorn mince , pieces

20 oddyears on post dc i e now / couple years ago started feeling utterly fed up of cooking every day. Bored. ( know some of my friends felt the same.)
lacked motivation . Told dh ,but we both agreed that this was best way. Got more cookery books , kept trying . Typical meals would be a healthy salad, beans / pulses / rice ( luke a burrito bowl) or sandwiches Homemade soup for lunch and something like a spag bol. , a curry, chilli etc for main meal. Lasagna .. amongst Thai etc .

Dc left home , we both work part time now . i do most of housework . Meal plan. All of cooking. I organise all our social life for eg cook , invite people round, get the wine , when dc home I do same . Dh does the admin as I am appalling at it
.
Given I've cooked for most days for 30 plus years ,i explained to dh that I've just simply got bored of it and have started to hate it. Feel like have hot a brick wall-cannot afford to eat out much at all / takeways.. we have a limited income as we work pt and do not claim any benefits. Our choice.

I asked if he would cook sometimes.. all good . i noticed that he cooked but did easy fast meals like a hot sandwich for the main meal , whereas for years we both agreed on a highly nutritious way of cooking. dh is into fitness still in his 60 s and eats very well eg for b fast he makes self a shake and a bowl of blueberries , milled seeds, mixed nuts. To show the picture .

Then .. I had to go away for a long work day . 6 hour round trip, separate / in addition from the actual work . Was very tired when I got back , which influenced my reaction ( over reaction) !

We also had guests in the house , and the norm would be that we cook them a decent meal.

When I got back , dh had cooked / bought convenience food … now please note that I appreciate that this is no big deal to many people , but given our way of doing things I felt that the one ,or one of the very rare days he cooks, given that I had been out of the house for about 12 hours and we had guests , that it would have been nice to return to a nice home cooked hot meal( one that he has had cooked for home day in day out for 30
plus years , despite my waning wish to do so ) .

I tried to hide that feeling and he said whats the matter .. I said nothing , but he pushed it , so i said , well I just wanted a decent meal to come home to one the one day I dont cook.. he said that rhe meal was perfectly adequate .
What is the fuss about . I get it , I do , but was utterly fed up and wanted a nurturing meal .
I dont know what happened but I suddenly thought sod this , if adequate is good enough , why do I bother. I tried to explain, why I wanted the care that I put into meals. I was making a fuss. So , a wave of I just cant be bothered then / adequate is ok then hit me .
I said that was going to do that then . Ie adequate myself /i cant be bothered. I am aware that this sounds controlling, but I just wanted someone else to cook a meal like I have for them for so many years .. and I admit not just do a short cut .its about thought and effort .

now . A month down rhe line ….i have continued to take the easy food route . Pasta pesto and veg. Sausage and mash . No chopping all sorts for things like a dhall with rice with bombay potatoes and chilli and ginger veg. Just easy adequate food.. .so easy .

But dh says that I have been punishing him .. by withdrawing and cooking this way because it stemmed from that night. Its more expensive , less healthy. That ive taken “ my bat home” .

I admit it was a relief but also admit it was born out of a feeling of “up yours “ 😂..because he just would not listen to why I wnatwd a nice meal like I make for others..
it is a bit vengefull( and not nice)

shall i swallow my pride , as well as he food😂, and cook as I used to ? ( but ask him to cook proper meal s a couple of days a week - as I said he did used to do that - but acknowledge that he will most slide into easy , whilst holding the expectation that I will cook well/ effort full meals?

We have been married for many years , it is , I suppose domestic fatigue( anyone else had this ) and a new way of life where he is now part time / around a lot ... And the perils of the menopause ! ( i hope you can tell that I recognise that this is domestic trivia , and that I am laughing at myself and recognising that I am being a grumpy tired post meno state.!

Life admin seems to be a 24/7 job when SAHMs with school age children do it :)

OP - I'm with you with the boredeom of cooking. I also like health homecooked meals from scratch. But I'm tired, physically and mentally, of making them every day.

I do have teens at home as well as DH and I have made a point of insisting they all cook. DH says that he can't cook, but he has now learnt 6 meals and he cooks them on rotation.

The main thing that helps is we cut ourselves a bit of slack. If we need to get convenience food occasionally, then so be it. I've actively planned in at least one "quick" meal a week. Something like pasta with a simple sauce or baked potato with tuna mayo and salad. I batch cook soup and freeze it, so it can always be pulled out of the freezer.

I think you and DH probably need to agree something similar. It sounds like you both like the more complicated to cook/prepare meals. They don't have to be all the teime.

And, maybe DH feels the same about some of "his" jobs as you do about cooking. Redistributing them (as long as fair split overall) might be a good idea.

I thought darkly comic movie, but then I've just been watching Menu 😄

Screw it, enjoy your freedom!

You appear to be dwelling upon what you feel are your weaknesses. Don’t underestimate your worth, skills and ability. Certainly don’t allow your DH to capitalise upon the areas where you are less comfortable.
In our house to cook highly nutritious meals from scratch is an expression of care, of love. I’ve been in your situation, have the tee shirt and the irritation.
After 46 years of it, I’d advise you to be more cunning. Yes, go back to the meals you made but ‘forget’ a key fresh ingredient so he has to go out for it.
😉
He’ll not be amused!
Alternatively you could batch cook, freeze and have your own night off.
Don’t allow him to hoodwink you with his laziness or back you into a corner because you have guests. Ignore him sulking and going to bed early.
Fox clever. My DH retired before me… (he’d insisted for donkeys’ years he could only make fish fingers, chips and peas or beef burgers, chips and baked beans.)…I found he loved making bread from scratch - the wily devil!
Maintain standards but decrease competence.

As op said, insurance/bills/MOT/bins is child’s play when compared to the daily grind of proper cooking.

He is trying to gaslight you, OP. Stick to your guns. If he won’t agree to cook good meals then just cook for yourself.

Out of inherent, who washes up the dishes? Pots, pans, plates, trays?

Pp not OP

I do most of the Admin and cook most of the meals. However, although most meals are from scratch - I can feed DH anything and he eats it without complaint - even if it's thrown together Bacon, Egg and Beans!!
But like you - I do get fed up with having to decide what to eat in the first place and when DH says he will cook - he never remembers that you need to plan ahead and possibly remove ingredients from the freezer so that he can prepare a meal that evening!! Some people cannot even look at ingredients and think ahh!! I can do that with x,y and z - DH is a bit like that unless it's the GCs chicken dippers and chips!! One way round it - is to batch cook and then Dh can reheat - it does not bother me if we eat the same thing 3 times on the bounce!! Often a stew or curry is better 2nd time around and it gets me off the hook for cooking every night.
Stick to your guns OP - and share the cooking as long as you do a bit of the admin too. With DH he leaves the admin to me out of laziness - but he's quite capable of sorting stuff for himself.

One way round it - is to batch cook and then Dh can reheat

All that will happen is he’ll reheat the frozen food and then claim he cooked.

Stick to your guns OP - and share the cooking as long as you do a bit of the admin too.

Agreed.

Come on, meal planning plus cooking is probably 30-40 min a day. You're not telling me he does admin on insurance and bills for 4 hours a week are you?!?

Remember that arranging holidays, guests, presents for family, social event planning etc etc is also 'admin' and I bet he doesnt do all that.

I know exactly what you mean OP, I do the majority of the cooking in my house because I'm good at it and I like it, but on a busy week it definitely feels like a chore (my husband does loads of other stuff like getting the kids ready in the morningz school drop off and pick up etc). When I occasionally ask my husband to take a turn, I hate it when he defrosts something I've made previously or suggests a takeaway or a shove-in-the-oven type meal, that's MY break that I'VE earned and he is wasting it because I dont want to eat shit too often and to me, shoving something in the oven or dialling for a curry is a break and I could do it my bloody self without him having the brownie points of giving me the 'night off'.

However my husband changed his habits when I raised it, he understood where I was comin from and didnt start calling me petty or refusing to do 'his' jobs.

I'd call his bluff, say fine you'll do the bins and admin and cook once a month and he can do everything else as you're swapping jobs

My MIL had exactly the same hit a wall with cooking and doesn't do it now.

FIL does it all but not anything elaborate from scratch. They also use a local catering company mainly for big family meals so when we visit we get these catered meals. Shepherds pie and lasagna or variety of stews. The caterers also do "ready meals" the equivalent of batch cooked freezer meals. Its home cooking just not done by you. Could you look into that? In my area there are quite a lot of curry caterers. You can also employ someone to batch cook for you.

Stand firm your DH is being an arse. The best way to deal with his demands for better food is you do equal amounts of cooking and admin and bins! When he cooks if he appreciates good food he will cook the elaborate meals and you can do more easy stuff that is still healthy.

Admin and the bins are nothing at all.

I‘m a single parent and so do all the things. Life admin takes a tiny amount of time, and the bins are barely even a job. Everything is on a direct debit. Car needs MOT once a year, find new insurance is once a year (and those search things make it dead easy!). Bins I keep at the edge of the property, take stuff to them as I go along - so take landfill bag to the bin when needed, recycling out on daily basis - don’t even notice it as a job.

Cooking and preparing and planning healthy meals takes a massive amount of time and effort. I have to have a some meals every week that are just easy “adequate” meals as I’m cooking all the rest. What is rubbish is the idea of the person who makes only a few of the meals having a “cheat night” where they do something barely adequate. If that person is, say, doing 2/7 meals as it sounds like is the case here, they can do two good ones. The person doing the bulk of the cooking gets to use up the days when you have quick and convenient foods.

Oh and having ADHD doesn’t mean you can’t do the life admin. Yes it means it’s not much fun for you to do certain things with step by step instructions to follow, but most admin isn’t that. You can easily look at different options on a price comparison website with ADHD.
In fact, following a recipe and / or cooking complex meals from memory is a much harder thing to do with ADHD. You get loads of tales of blokes on here saying they can’t cook because of it “oh I’d just let it burn, me”.

I feel you utterly. So you've been cooking food thats quicker, it hasnt taken you as long as usual so you have more time for something else, like maybe yourself?

I think that a person who complains about the food that he has put in front of him cooked and who eats it then complains about it can fuck off to wherever its easiest. You cook every night? No. No-one needs a proper cooked meal every night, Baked beans, omlette and chips? It's not dearer, whats he on about. He's a lazy geezer who's had it easy for too long. Take back your time and your energy and stop wasting it on gently frying onions for 20 minutes and finely chopping bollocks,

Your husband is bloody lazy and needs a good kick up the arse. I would stop cooking for him altogether until he agrees to start pulling his weight and sharing all housework and cooking of meals 50/50!

I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable. I get the impression you're not even asking for a 50:50 split...just that he ups his game and starts contributing not just to the meal prep, but the thought snd time that goes into it.
It's also very unfair that he gets the easy option on 'his' day.
I think you need to help him overcome his objections so first you need to establish what they are. Keep the conversation focused on HIM. Don't let him sideline you by bringing up how youce 'down graded' meal times. Agree a 'standard' (could include one lazy night) and ask how you can support him to do his bit until he's independent.....be prepared for 'why do I have to sort the utilities out' conversation though. You're lives have changed, maybe you two need to.

I’ll bet he doesn’t do a couple of hours admin every sodding day which is what it takes to produce healthy, cook from scratch meals. Tell him you will organise the MOT on the car and pay the utility bills from now on and he can cook three days a week. His laziness and petty attitude would give me the shits tbh and if he really can’t understand why you might be over being solely responsibly for food after all these years he is either being deliberately obtuse or he is a moron and I’m pretty sure I know which one it is. I, like you, got fed up with cooking after many, many years but still have two teen/adult kids at home. There is a lot more “sort yourselves out” these days, DH shares the cooking and - unlike your situation - we are lucky enough to be able to eat out quite a lot which we do. I would not be impressed if the attitude was that I should continue doing something I now hate just because that is easier for someone else.

Sorry, OP. I got a bit bogged down by your post. Have I got this right, though? He has expected you to cook nutritious meals from scratch for 30 years. On the ONE occasion he has to do the cooking, he resorts to convenience food and he’s thrown his toys out of the pram because you’ve now decided to do the same?

He’s a bloody lazy, misogynistic hypocrite. If he was so concerned about nutritious, homemade food he would have cooked something like that himself. He expects you to do it because he thinks that’s your role.

As for punishing him?! I’d punish him alright because he’d be making his own meals every day.

Well he’s just made his own argument there. You are doing the cooking, so you get to decide.

He doesn’t sound very nice tbh. You could look at hello fresh/ Gousto. But your effort should match his %. You’ve been cooking from scratch for 30 years far outweighs life admin and bins and I do all of them!

If 100% of the time he cooks it is low effort- then why should you be any different. I’d be furious at his double standards.

This. Exactly this.
He is massively taking the piss.

Just tell him your cooking style has changed. Kids no longer at home, changing priorities.

Well one, you really need to start doing, or at least being aware of, the admin. Without being morbid, in the event of death or divorce, if you don't know your way around the life admin, makes life pretty hard.
You might also find that the admin is quite a bit easier than your dh makes out here (car insurance takes about 20 minutes once a year for example), and probably doesn't equate to 30 years worth of scratch cooking, shopping and meal planning.

Two, just compromise, as most people do-a mixture of easy snd convenient meals and your scratch cooked ones.

Three, tell dh he is cooking or you are both cooking for yourselves 3-4 times a week. Stick to it.

Give him chicken nuggets and chips tonight.

The fact he tells you you wouldn't cope with the admin stands out to me. My FIL constantly undermines my MIL like this, telling her she can't drive very well or she doesn't understand this, that and the other. He's totally eroded her confidence over the years and it's a really insidious method of controlling her. She's perfectly capable and I bet you are too.
you don't need to remember when things are due - you can sign up for reminders about your MOT for example and you get a letter about car tax. Why does he think you can't use a comparison site?
the bits of admin he does annually and the bins weekly are nowhere near as much effort and work as daily planning, shopping, prepping, cooking. I'd be equally as pissed off as you are. And if he says that the person doing the task determines the quality/effort then there you go, he's answered that for you - you cook therefore you decide the meals!

Doing price comparisons once a year on a site is not comparable to scratch cooking every day. Ditto doing the bins once a week or setting a reminder on the gov.uk site for your MOT, again annually.

If you current way of cooking is punishment why was he so happy to do it?

He's so unreasonable. He's clearly very clever at turning it all around on you.

You do the bulk- cooking is meal planning, shopping, prep time etc.

Admin- does he do everything? Do you do birthday cards and things like that?

Plus why is it you doing all the cleaning too?

Keep at this op- don't let him grind you down. Have set cooking nights and tell him you expect proper food. If he does that, then you will do the same.

Tell him the pie was delicious and you will be cooking it once a week, nothing wrong with M & S pie, mash and green beans , cabbage and carrots.
Let him choose easy meals and then replicate.
It is possible to eat healthy meals without spending hours in the kitchen.,