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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my friend she’s boring

117 replies

tescovsasda · 06/01/2023 14:05

My friend has always been a helicopter parent and her whole life is 100% about her DC. This was more understandable when the dc were little but now they’re all teenagers/young adults and it’s utterly tedious. When I get a call from her or pops over, I just know she’s got something to tell me about the dc - good results, friend issue etc. She’ll pretend to be interested in me for one minute before she has to start talking about the DC. She’ll even go on and on about their friends (who I don’t know). If I try to change the subject she doesn’t listen and continues to talk about her DC.
If we’re asked out by other friends, she usually doesn’t come as she doesn’t want to leave the DC on their own ( youngest is 14).
I wouldn’t actually tell her she is boring but how would you handle this?

OP posts:
Dystopiawarming · 06/01/2023 16:49

I was just being silly tongue in cheek, wasn't meant to be serious sorry.
You're right nobody should be using somebody else as a sounding board. I think it would be shitty to be called boring by a friend, too, though

Lentilweaver · 06/01/2023 16:50

I enjoy time with my teen. That doesn't mean my friends want to know about his love for high protein milkshakes and North Face, do they?

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/01/2023 16:50

Dystopiawarming · 06/01/2023 16:49

I was just being silly tongue in cheek, wasn't meant to be serious sorry.
You're right nobody should be using somebody else as a sounding board. I think it would be shitty to be called boring by a friend, too, though

@Dystopiawarming

but if she’s boring , she’s boring 🤷‍♀️

and she will be if all she can talk about is her kids

ColinRobinson · 06/01/2023 16:53

is SHE Colin Robinson?

Swissmountains · 06/01/2023 16:55

I would feel sorry for someone that had nothing else in her life. I would not be scathing about her. It says a lot about the people that are nasty. Or maybe they think their own kids are boring and parenthood has been a disappointment and they need no reminders of this fact.

Personally I roll with all kinds of conversations. People's job issues can be equally mindnumbing, elderly parents health, divorce, latest health kicks, house moves it can all be crap to listen to if we are not invested in the person we are spending time with. It comes down to the fact you are not invested in them, so whatever she talks about will hold very little interest.

somuchtolearnabout · 06/01/2023 16:57

So her kids are her life. Is that such a bad thing?

Ugh yeah, kinda

Lentilweaver · 06/01/2023 16:57

I knew it would come down to " People who don't talk about their kids constantly find them disappointing".

I always find people's jobs more interesting. Or what they are reading.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/01/2023 16:58

Swissmountains · 06/01/2023 16:55

I would feel sorry for someone that had nothing else in her life. I would not be scathing about her. It says a lot about the people that are nasty. Or maybe they think their own kids are boring and parenthood has been a disappointment and they need no reminders of this fact.

Personally I roll with all kinds of conversations. People's job issues can be equally mindnumbing, elderly parents health, divorce, latest health kicks, house moves it can all be crap to listen to if we are not invested in the person we are spending time with. It comes down to the fact you are not invested in them, so whatever she talks about will hold very little interest.

@Swissmountains

nah

it’s just basic to not monopolise the conversation whether it’s about your kids or anything else

AND also - not wanting to talk about your kids non stop when you meet up with your pals does NOT mean that you find your kids boring or parenthood a disappointment

👍

JoonT · 06/01/2023 17:04

I also know a monomaniac. When we were young, it didn't seem so bad. She was funny and full of energy and we laughed a lot. But as she's aged, the monomania has become unbearable. She just doesn't listen to a thing I say. Often, she will cut across me, to shut me up. She also has a loud voice, which she uses to silence people (I wonder if it's common for narcissists/egomaniacs/monomaniacs, etc, to develop loud voices?). I can see her literally glaze over as I'm speaking. Like a lot of narcs, however, she's good at manipulating people. Self-centred people need others. They need and crave an audience. So they will pretend to care in order to get that audience. I've watched her do it – faking an interest in other people to get them down the pub, where she can then turn the conversation onto herself. I've gradually realized that what she really loves isn't so much talking about herself as listening to herself talk. Her idea of heaven would be a bar with a big mirror where she could watch herself talking to an audience. Every now and then someone would ask her a question (but they'd be quick, because it literally causes her pain, I mean actual physical pain, to be silent while someone speaks)

She also talks about her children all the time. Her kids have become an extension of her ego, and their achievements are her achievements. I'm sick to death of hearing how hilarious the young one is, how she has the class at school "in stitches," how clever and academic the older one is, and so on. As others have said, no one is interested in other people's children.

On top of all that, she's boring generally. She's very bright and articulate, but she's never read a book and, even though she could talk for five hours without a pause, isn't actually interested in anything. It's weird to be with someone who talks non-stop yet isn't actually interested in things. I mean she has no interest in, say, books, or science, or the future, or anything like that. It's like her purpose in life is to make herself the centre of attention, boost her ego, dominate/beat others and enjoy listening to herself talk.

Truly interesting people are interested. They are interested in art or literature or travel or whatever. They are also interested in other people (not in a nosy, spiteful, gossipy way; I mean they want to hear what you think about a new art exhibition, or the World Cup or Prince Harry, etc etc).

Phew, sorry...enjoyed that rant. I know someone will ask why I don't just ditch this person. It isn't that simple. Cutting old friends out of your life is hard. We live near to one another, have mutual friends, and so on.

Ponderingtosk · 06/01/2023 17:06

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/01/2023 14:13

You don't sounds like much a friend to her, to be honest.

So her kids are her life. Is that such a bad thing?

If you find her boring, go and find some more interesting friends.

This

PurpleSky300 · 06/01/2023 17:07

This is understandable / nut unreasonable at all but it is a bit unkind. Many women struggle to maintain friendships when they have kids, priorities change, they might not always have the opportunities / money / time to have an active social life beyond their family. People talk about whatever is going on in their life.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/01/2023 17:07

She does sound boring and needs to get a life. Fair enough if she's happy and her kids are her everything but I wouldn't be good friends with her if there's nothing interesting about her, just as I wouldn't be friends with someone whose only interest was eg sport.

Lentilweaver · 06/01/2023 17:09

PurpleSky300 · 06/01/2023 17:07

This is understandable / nut unreasonable at all but it is a bit unkind. Many women struggle to maintain friendships when they have kids, priorities change, they might not always have the opportunities / money / time to have an active social life beyond their family. People talk about whatever is going on in their life.

Everyone can borrow a free book from their local library. Especially by the time their youngest is 14.

coral3928 · 06/01/2023 17:12

Years ago, I had a friend who was obsessed with her children, you couldn't get a word in. It wasn't that it was boring, I found it draining being talked at relentlessly for hours and I'd come to the end of a meet up barely able to say a word. I stayed in touch as I felt bad for her, but when I had a tough year with taking on a more demanding job with more hours, health issues that meant I had less energy and having a tough time with my teens, I prioritised my own needs and faded out the friendship as I didn't have the energy for it anymore.

GrinAndVomit · 06/01/2023 17:27

In a heartbeat. I’d post something horrifically cancellable like “Females should have access to female only spaces” or “Biological males should not be housed in women’s prisons” and then at least I’d absolutely agree with what I was saying and wouldn’t feel the need to apologise or backtrack.

GrinAndVomit · 06/01/2023 17:27

oops wrong thread!

PurpleSky300 · 06/01/2023 17:30

GrinAndVomit · 06/01/2023 17:27

In a heartbeat. I’d post something horrifically cancellable like “Females should have access to female only spaces” or “Biological males should not be housed in women’s prisons” and then at least I’d absolutely agree with what I was saying and wouldn’t feel the need to apologise or backtrack.

I know it's the wrong thread, but I can't help laughing - I mean, those topics would take the friend's mind off her kids!

TheaBrandt · 06/01/2023 17:33

Joon you need to ditch this person old friend or not. My late grandmother had a “friend” like this. Even at 13 I could see it. The code for this type of person is therefore “Freda” in our family. If you are a Freda you get binned and rightly so. There is no excuse for it.

Murdoch1949 · 06/01/2023 17:36

You need to be more proactive with your friend, if you want to continue the relationship. Invite her out for a coffee so your meeting is not predicated on a DC anecdote. Prepare yourself with some discussion topics you can introduce. If she has nothing to say about anything other than DC, maybe it is time to end the friendship. That would not be unusual, people change.

Pushmepullu · 06/01/2023 17:36

If it’s any consolation we have friends who when we meet up with them spend most of the time on their phones to their children. Children are 38, 40 and 41! Explains why they are NC with 2 of their DiLs.

PurpleSky300 · 06/01/2023 17:36

Lentilweaver · 06/01/2023 17:09

Everyone can borrow a free book from their local library. Especially by the time their youngest is 14.

I guess they could - but then I'd argue that listening to what someone is reading isn't particularly riveting, either?
I'm not sure the topic matters too much, though. I've got a couple of friends who could talk about their laundry, mortgages, grocery shopping, Netflix choices etc for ages and I'd still find it interesting because they are funny / engaging people, they can make boring mundane things seem fun. If you like someone and get along well then you shouldn't need to worry about entertaining them with adventures constantly.

FirThusThraed · 06/01/2023 17:37

@tescovsasda do you have children?

Lentilweaver · 06/01/2023 17:41

PurpleSky300 · 06/01/2023 17:36

I guess they could - but then I'd argue that listening to what someone is reading isn't particularly riveting, either?
I'm not sure the topic matters too much, though. I've got a couple of friends who could talk about their laundry, mortgages, grocery shopping, Netflix choices etc for ages and I'd still find it interesting because they are funny / engaging people, they can make boring mundane things seem fun. If you like someone and get along well then you shouldn't need to worry about entertaining them with adventures constantly.

Personally , I think it's far better than listening to what their kids eat for dinner or worse what their kids' friends eat for dinner. A little of that is ok but not all the time.

ThreeRingCircus · 06/01/2023 17:46

If there is no other topic of conversation then it does sound dull. The bigger issue for me would be that she shows no interest in you and brings the conversation back to her DC if you try to change the subject. Friendship should be a two way street and if she never asks you how you are or wants to listen to what you have to say then she's a crap friend. If she's been your friend for a long time then I would tell her, nicely. If she chooses to ignore you then she at least can't be surprised when she ends up with no friends.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/01/2023 18:07

Get her on the cocktails op that might help her to becomes less mummy martyr