AIBU to be annoyed about husband’s attitude towards my weekend away

[Mob2011]

Not sure if I’m just feeling a bit knackered and under appreciated so just wanted an outside opinion. I do understand this is a fairly minor annoyance.

DH and I have 2 boys age 8 & 10, I work 4 days a week and he works long hours and is often away for most of the week sometimes including weekends. I do 90% of housework, all admin for the boys school, clubs, walk the dog, arrange appointments, birthdays, buying gifts etc.

DH has a lot of freedom generally and I never have any issue with him going out with friends. His job is quite sociable and involves going out with clients and he speaks very highly of his colleagues who he sees outside of working hours. Whilst away he has time to go to the gym, out for dinner and drinks or just binge watch Netflix if he wishes. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed at home and quite often my day starts at 6am (boys are early risers!) and can be 9/10pm by the time we’ve done clubs, dinner, homework and got everything ready for the next day. Most of my socialising is done around the children, play dates with friends children of similar ages or having a friend over for a takeaway once they are in bed.

My AIBU is some school friends are arranging a girls weekend away in summer. It’s a free weekend so I’ve said I’m keen to go. My DH has already started making comments on how lucky I am to have a weekend away, isn’t it so nice to have time to myself etc and I’m not sure why it’s making me absolutely furious. I’m trying to remain really passive about it but feel like I could really use some time to myself and he’s taking away some of the excitement by implying that I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to dwell on it and then it blows up into a big argument but it would have been nice to hear ‘yes you absolutely deserve it, have a great time and I’ll take care of everything at home’.

AIBU for finding this so infuriating? 🤣 how do I deal with this without sounding like I’m complaining about everything? I do get the occasional evening out or night away without kids but he doesn’t seem to understand as default parent either me or the children have to physically leave the house to get any real break from them.

sorry for the essay!

Why are you remaining passive? I’d tell him to suck it up buttercup. He has enough free time and it’s ONE weekend. Highly likely you’ll go on the weekend feeling every so slightly guilty now. Honestly, don’t. He probably doesn’t give you a second thought on his work jollies.

I'd have it out with him now rather than let it build up and fester into something more. He will probably deny any intention to suggest you don't deserve it so call him out on it not sounding that way so in future he'll think twice about how his comments might be interpreted

Oh my, he's being a massive twat! Don't be passive OP, and have a fabulous weekend away!

Well you're not away often enough

I suggest you go away for a weekend beforehand

And that you make sure as a family that you get more time at weekends when he's home to do more things for yourself - I'm guessing you prioritise'family time' at weekends which you 'run' instead of going off out yourself shopping/gym/lunches with friends?

Don’t remain passive. Tell him you are going and if he carries on moaning, just remind him of all the free time he gets and inform him that you are going to go away every month in the future for a long weekend.

Totally agree. Now is not the time to be passive

just start commenting - how lucky you are to be able to go out to dinner without taking dc or arranging babysitting. How lucky you are to be able to travel for work because your wife does it all at home. How lucky you are to have evenings devoted to social and work goals not housework and kids homework. How lucky you are to be able to do a well paid job that involves weekends becasue your wife DOES JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING AT HOME AND COULD DO WITH A FUCKING BREAK.
oh and the next time you say how lucky I am to have a whole weekend off I’m making it a week and you will jsut have to make it work to parent with your job like I fucking well have to every day.

id probably carry on with the comments for another month. And start planning a lot
mroe time out and away. Require him to be at home one weekend a month and you take that weekend off (do not fail to point out the housework you’d get done that weekend while parenting), that seems a very reasonable start. Basically it’s one thing to be the drudge if they appreciate you and value your contribution, but you have realised he doesn’t. So the marriage needs a reset. He can appreciate what you do and pick up some more of it himself.

Now is the time to present him with a spreadsheet of all the leisure time and leisure activities he gets on a WEEKLY basis.

Why be passive, why not point out that your working days are equally long because of the house and DC.

Have you tried a sensible conversation? How about starting with saying that you’ve been annoyed about his comments about your weekend away and was trying to work out why it upset you, but realised because he regularly gets much more “me time” than you, with gym time and drinks with friends and a career that requires so much extra time away from family compared a normal office hours job, you are feeling resentful about how little time you do get. That obviously he’s have to give up his job if you were to have equal time, and you aren’t asking for that, but perhaps would just like him to acknowledge that you have had to take on the bulk of the family work in order for him to keep that career, and right now you don’t feel he really does acknowledge it.

I would ask him whether he thinks you both have equal leisure time at the moment. If he says yes correct him with details. If he says no, ask him what he meant by that comment and explain how it came across. I would not be impressed.

and I’m not sure why it’s making me absolutely furious

You absolutely are sure why it’s making you absolutely furious.

he doesn’t seem to understand as default parent either me or the children have to physically leave the house to get any real break from them.

The real question is, why don’t you feel entitled to say so?

Why won’t he validate you without being defensive himself? Why do you think you need to protect his feelings?

either me or the children have to physically leave the house to get any real break from them

Coming back to this, you need to sort this out with him. He needs to give you more time where he parents in a way that they don’t need to bother you, even if you’re in the house…

He just sounds jealous. Don't take it personally

And careful of taking advice on here from women who will sensitise you to a relatively benign issue

8 and 10 are old enough for this to change a bit. Definitely time for a reset.

Imo on the way out the door tell h you forgot to mention it's a weeks trip now not the week end..

You’ve hit the nail on the head here. Weekends are family time mostly ‘run’ by me. Or given a child with the correct sports kit/birthday gift with instructions on what/when/where they need to be.

Well why don’t you complain?

the allocation of work and responsibility is obviously not working for you.

He’s a twat. List what you do for the family and then ask if he thinks you don’t deserve a weekend away?

When we’ve spoken about it before he views it as his job pays for the lifestyle that we all enjoy (not mega wealthy but we get by ok and have some treats, 2 cars etc), being away is part of that and he would rather be at home. I appreciate how hard he works and have said in the past you he doesn’t realise how hard it is being at home with children because he’s never done it for a long period of time. It’s fine for a few days when there is an end in sight!

The boys are old enough now to seek me out and it’s often easier to just deal with what they need rather than delegate to someone else but I do see this should change.

Will have another chat tonight and going to text a friend to see if they fancy a childfree lunch out tomorrow. I think I do need to be a bit more demanding of childfree time.

I’d be dropping in comments next time he is off somewhere -
‘are you going anywhere nice for your expenses paid meal tonight?, aren’t you lucky!’
‘Aren’t you lucky staying in that lovely hotel with a gym and pool’
‘Are you watching anything good on Netflix?, aren’t you lucky having all that alone time!’
’will you be going out for drinks with your lovely colleagues? Aren’t you lucky having so much social time and adult conversation without the kids!’

Start using more outsourced help to ease things. Bill dh.

Just tell him you're going and that's that. If he he says anything that's less than supportive it's time to have a massive row about his unreasonable behaviour and lack of support.

I have two children who are younger than yours and I've been away several times on a girly weekend/mini holiday and my DH is nothing but encouraging and supportive of me doing so. Why? Because he understands I need a break and time out as well as him. Having a rest every now and again makes me happy, a better mum and a better wife. If your DH can't understand that you need a break every now and again then he's not a very good partner.

When we’ve spoken about it before he views it as his job pays for the lifestyle that we all enjoy (not mega wealthy but we get by ok and have some treats, 2 cars etc), being away is part of that and he would rather be at home.
they say that, but if you and the dc didn’t even exist would he work any less? Unlikely! He’d just have to cook his own dinner when he did come home, and change the sheets or at the very least buy the sheets and hire the cleaner. Frankly it would have to be a bloody awesome 5* ski holidays and Maldives trips lifestyle with cleaner nanny gardener and housekeeper because I like my job and parenting is bloody hard work and I married my Dh expecting him to share it, so I’m not interested in any ‘I’m working to provide for you so I’m never home’; I also am working to provide for you and I expect our children to have two parents who actively parent including on the organisational front.

But the work that you do in looking after the family also facilitates your lifestyle

Think how much boarding school or nannies would cost if you is a job like his

"Yes dear I know you work hard but do you know that I work hard too? Do you think you can't look after the children for one weekend out of 52?"