AIBU to be annoyed about husband’s attitude towards my weekend away

[Mob2011]

Not sure if I’m just feeling a bit knackered and under appreciated so just wanted an outside opinion. I do understand this is a fairly minor annoyance.

DH and I have 2 boys age 8 & 10, I work 4 days a week and he works long hours and is often away for most of the week sometimes including weekends. I do 90% of housework, all admin for the boys school, clubs, walk the dog, arrange appointments, birthdays, buying gifts etc.

DH has a lot of freedom generally and I never have any issue with him going out with friends. His job is quite sociable and involves going out with clients and he speaks very highly of his colleagues who he sees outside of working hours. Whilst away he has time to go to the gym, out for dinner and drinks or just binge watch Netflix if he wishes. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed at home and quite often my day starts at 6am (boys are early risers!) and can be 9/10pm by the time we’ve done clubs, dinner, homework and got everything ready for the next day. Most of my socialising is done around the children, play dates with friends children of similar ages or having a friend over for a takeaway once they are in bed.

My AIBU is some school friends are arranging a girls weekend away in summer. It’s a free weekend so I’ve said I’m keen to go. My DH has already started making comments on how lucky I am to have a weekend away, isn’t it so nice to have time to myself etc and I’m not sure why it’s making me absolutely furious. I’m trying to remain really passive about it but feel like I could really use some time to myself and he’s taking away some of the excitement by implying that I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to dwell on it and then it blows up into a big argument but it would have been nice to hear ‘yes you absolutely deserve it, have a great time and I’ll take care of everything at home’.

AIBU for finding this so infuriating? 🤣 how do I deal with this without sounding like I’m complaining about everything? I do get the occasional evening out or night away without kids but he doesn’t seem to understand as default parent either me or the children have to physically leave the house to get any real break from them.

sorry for the essay!

I think when you live with someone selfish you have to harden your heart a little.

You need to go away a lot more and maybe join one of those nice gyms where you can swim or do several classes and then sit in the cafe for an hour. Leave before the sports bags need packing! If you're feeling kind maybe wash the kit the first time.

I’d give it to him with both barrels next time he dares to say that

Before you say anything, add up how many nights he spent away from home last year.

Lucky?! When you 90% of everything despite also working 4 days? I’d be fuming with him.

You need more me time - I appreciate you want time with your children - I am the same. But it is really important for everyone's sake to have down time, child free to be you. And please remember he can do the job that gives the lifestyle because you stepped up and took on the 90%! Don't undersell your contribution. The issue is about him valuing you as a partner and is in no way derogatory to your DSs.

Plan more breaks, lunches, half days etc and ideally set him up as a default parent to sort everything etc and take time at home on your own just being. The next few years will bring more independence and I have to say I think the mothers that do best with the change of pace/role/demands are the women who have maintained and expanded friendship groups.

I throughly enjoy spending time with mine too and taking them round to their activities, etc. DH wouldn’t dream of telling me how lucky I am because I still do more child-related stuff then he does. He’s here to help everyday and I go away more than he does. It doesn’t matter how much you enjoy it, it’s still quite draining - mentally, etc

When you say his job pays for your lifestyle, are you not paid at your job? Even if it’s NWM, you’re bringing money in .

You need to have a really serious word with him, he massively selfish. Stop prioritising his needs over your own, you are just as important and worthy as him. Your career sacrifice and parental input are what have allowed him to have his working life in its current incarnation.

He is basically having his cake and eating it, then he is pissing all over the crumbs that were leftover for you. Not nice behaviour, he clearly doesn't hold your feelings and contribution to the family in high regard.

I like Kettrickensmiled suggestion of telling him you are moving up to full time and it will now be on him to tailor his career around 50 per cent of the domestic drudgery and childcare, that it is time he fulfilled his family duties.

Besides you don't want to model to your kids that it's the woman who has to make all the sacrifices for family and kids. That will affect their own future relationships.

Something to think about is when I have been away with teeny dc who were extremely hard work Dh initially thought that meant he could do fuck all for his family. I pointed out that having all his evenings and nights (I wasn’t getting much sleep) and weekends free meant he could do quite a bit of admin and organising for us as his hands weren’t full with housework and children and handed over several jobs for him to complete on this time. Make him responsible for some sports- he can log in check the fixtures order the uniforms etc etc. he can book holidays, complete the registration forms for their next school depending on what age they move, read their school reports, research gardeners or tutors, do phone interviews in work hours…

Absolutely call him on this. He knows exactly what he’s doing!
Next time he calls you lucky, I’d reply “not as lucky as you” then reel off all the lovely fun and sociable things HE does while you’re shopping, cooking, on the school run etc. and tell him he’s being a wanker.

This!

I guess maybe I don’t feel entitled to complain because I feel lucky for what I have and it’s partly my doing allowing them to sign up for sports clubs etc that take up a lot of our week. I think I thought as they got older my free time would come naturally but I may need to enforce it more

I really don't understand why you've made a thread about this if you're going to be so passive. You can't really complain if you think you've nothing to complain about surely? Either suck it up or do something about it.

Sounds like your DP has all the advantages of family life with no responsibilities or work on his part.

Anybody can adult - but he's not doing much more than that.

You need to draw back. I would seriously consider getting a job because you'll end up losing yourself and then struggling to get back into employment and there's attitudes from him will be entrenched.

@RiverSkater OP already works 4 days per week!

He needs to be reminded that you guys are a team & everything YOU do also contribute to the lifestyle you ALL enjoy. He may be “bringing home the bacon” but your the one making sure there is a place to cook it. Men can be bloody clueless as times 🤦‍♀️

I doubt he hates having to be away for work. I assume he’d be staying in hotels, getting room service & enjoying uninterrupted me time. So don’t feel too sorry for him.

I think a calm conversation is needed. Just pointing out that you deserve a break just as he does & you don’t need to be guilt tripped as you would never behave that way towards him because you appreciate his contributions to the family but you don’t feel your getting the same from him.

If that doesn’t work then I’d be making sure the housework etc is then split 50:50 until he wises up

YANBU… go away for more weekends or even just nights alone so he can see what it is you actually do while he is schmoozing clients & relaxing watching Netflix or even just going to the loo with no disruptions!

Simple answer... don't be passive. Tell him how you feel! "Yes I am lucky, cause I never get time to myself seeing as I do almost all the f'cking work in this house and parental responsibility. So I'm going to take a well earned, well needed rest and if you don't support me in this, then you know where the f'cking door is you selfish p'ick......" or something along those lines 😂

I think you should definitely have a talk about it. Me and my husband are in a different situation but we will sometimes say things like "oo you lucky spud" to each other if you get invited to something but we encourage each other to go and tell each other how much we appreciate what the other does. My husband is the higher earner so we always knew he would remain full time employed, he did have to travel into work around 45minutes drive pre-covid. Then he was able to work from home. I was working 3 days a week so I could look after our son on the other 2. I wanted to spend that time with DS and DH wanted that for us too. He also supported me to leave work as I wanted more time with DS. I also picked up a new job that the hours worked around childcare but also meant DH needed to help more in evenings with childcare too. Basically what I am trying to say is we've tried to talk decisions through and explain how we're feeling. We are lucky in that we now don't need to travel for work and we now have family support we didn't before. However communication is what kept us sane. Also as much as your DH might be enjoying the free time, and, I know when you are doing a lot of the parenting all you long for is a few minutes down time. Your DH may also be longing for some family time and time for people he wants to spend it with but not have said. I am sure you both appreciate each other. But definitely talk about it and maybe it's time for a date weekend because you both deserve it 😜. Your children sound like they have wonderful parents who are giving them a brilliant life. But make sure you take time for yourselves too, even just now and again it is so important to feel like you and feel like a couple. X

YANBU and its not a minor annoyance at all. I'd give him a reality check about what your day-to-day to day life involves. He sounds like a dick

nah My husband would be getting it both barrels for a comment like that.
hes trying to make you feel guilty so you won’t go. He doesn’t want to be stuck home taking care of his children.
I would definitely be insisting on more me time & for him to take up some of the slack.

The next time he mentions it, I'd tell him that if he views one single weekend away as such a big deal that it merits all this "aren't you lucky?" stuff, then you obviously don't go away often enough.

I'd tell him that luck doesn't come into it. And actually you're feeling bloody unlucky to be with someone who values your contribution to family life so little that they think you're "lucky" to have two days to yourself.

Why the fuck would you remain passive? He’s outrageous. I think you should tell him that he’s being an unbelievably selfish prick, and point out why. He clearly can’t see it. Twat.

*THIS
*
My girls are 2.5 and 4mo. I have had 2 weekends away since the eldest was born. (Would probably had been more if it wasn't for covid restrictions 🙄) I am having a night away in a couple of weeks for my birthday (didn't want to go for a full weekend as I'm not ready to leave the baby for that long yet!)
My husband would never begrudge me time to myself if he can facilitate it. I'm off on maternity leave so am with both girls all day every day while also trying to stay on top of housework, which does get a bit on top of me. Husband is always encouraging me to sit and relax or whatever it is I want to do when he gets home from work - he acknowledges that its hard work and that I deserve a break.

I don't think I'd manage to cope in a relationship where the husband works to "facilitate the lifestyle" but not pull his weight with childcare etc!
OP - does husband actually realise how much you do?

Actually I dont think travelling with work is 'me time'. Few people love it, most tolerate it as part of the job. Yes he can binge watch Netflix but he is sitting in a bland hotel room away from all his home comforts. Going out with colleagues can he nice but it's still compulsory and lots of people don't like it every night in a row and crave beans on toast or something after a few days...it sounds glam but actually it can be knackering sleeping in a hotel bed with a room that's too hot or cold, trying to fill time when you havent got usual hobby stuff around you or having to see people every evening. If me or my husband are away, we do more than our share when we have come back as we want to spend time with the kids and we acknowledge it's been hard on the other person doing our share...but we don't feel like we've had any 'me time'...we've been working.

I just wanted to put out another perspective. And to say that absolutely you do deserve some me tome, everyone does, and you should totally go on a weekend away. But I wouldnt use the 'you get all this me time in the week's argument...I would use the argument that you never get any me time, you wre generally with the children 24/7 and you deserve it

Yes, the equating work events with social time isn’t on. While it can be more fun than other work - it’s still not leisure time, it’s still work and can come with its own stresses.

the OP has 2 school aged dcs and a day off each week. It does sound like the OPs DH gets more free time than her, but it’s not true she gets none.

@Mob2011 never mind texting a friend, just go out on your own if need be or no friend is around? Even if you sit in the car in Tesco’s car park reading a book. Be less available!