AIBU to be annoyed about husband’s attitude towards my weekend away

[Mob2011]

Not sure if I’m just feeling a bit knackered and under appreciated so just wanted an outside opinion. I do understand this is a fairly minor annoyance.

DH and I have 2 boys age 8 & 10, I work 4 days a week and he works long hours and is often away for most of the week sometimes including weekends. I do 90% of housework, all admin for the boys school, clubs, walk the dog, arrange appointments, birthdays, buying gifts etc.

DH has a lot of freedom generally and I never have any issue with him going out with friends. His job is quite sociable and involves going out with clients and he speaks very highly of his colleagues who he sees outside of working hours. Whilst away he has time to go to the gym, out for dinner and drinks or just binge watch Netflix if he wishes. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed at home and quite often my day starts at 6am (boys are early risers!) and can be 9/10pm by the time we’ve done clubs, dinner, homework and got everything ready for the next day. Most of my socialising is done around the children, play dates with friends children of similar ages or having a friend over for a takeaway once they are in bed.

My AIBU is some school friends are arranging a girls weekend away in summer. It’s a free weekend so I’ve said I’m keen to go. My DH has already started making comments on how lucky I am to have a weekend away, isn’t it so nice to have time to myself etc and I’m not sure why it’s making me absolutely furious. I’m trying to remain really passive about it but feel like I could really use some time to myself and he’s taking away some of the excitement by implying that I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to dwell on it and then it blows up into a big argument but it would have been nice to hear ‘yes you absolutely deserve it, have a great time and I’ll take care of everything at home’.

AIBU for finding this so infuriating? 🤣 how do I deal with this without sounding like I’m complaining about everything? I do get the occasional evening out or night away without kids but he doesn’t seem to understand as default parent either me or the children have to physically leave the house to get any real break from them.

sorry for the essay!

Honestly the opinion that someone brings in money so should get off without doing literally any household admin is fucking ridiculous

You don’t get to “buy” chore free time by the other person working + doing all the household admin so they never ever have any free downtime

How does he think he would do his job if you didn’t facilitate his life?

there are also many many many women who would work harder than him who also do domestic chores

hes a selfish ignorant twat

I think sometimes you just have to say it and get angry

Different scenario but one year I got the whole of Christmas and NY off work, a service which is 24/7 and you don't get to pick your time off
A colleague kept going on about how she wouldn't see her son, how awful it was, would I not just work Christmas Day for her etc etc even though she had it off every year prior

Eventually my manager snapped and said "Pelo has worked every Christmas and NY for NINE YEARS STRAIGHT. Now if you want Christmas and NY off, are you happy to work the next nine years on or are you going to let her have her time off?"
She never said another word about it

I think you need to draw attention to what you do more. My DH is a genuine partner, doing a lot at home. However even he doesn't 'see' some things. Like last weekend I asked if he wanted to come clothes shopping with DD and I. No, he wanted to clean. Great! But then he made a funny comment about him cleaning implying I was taking a break. I asked if he wanted to swap and spend three hours trying on virtually identical leggings none of which she wanted (she has a few sensory issues). He said he'd rather clean. I said, "this is the invisible stuff I do that loots like fun".

It was all good-natured and we were laughing about the leggings, but the point was made.

You need your DH to understand what you do is hard work. And a couple of weekends away should helps with that. Fortunately at 8 and 10 a lot of their logistics will soon be self managing unless you helicopter. Please don't raise boys who can't do for themselves. Teach them skills like cooking, cleaning, organising.

Go away more. Really.

I don't think you're complaining enough to be honest. He's got a very cushy life, the last he can do is hold the fort with good grace while you have a weekend to yourself without him pulling a guilt trip on you.

You need to have a serious chat with him and tell him everything you've told us. I've had many weekends away with friends and DH has never said anything except "Have fun!". I'd be furious with your husband's comments too!

Personally I'd be using his 'remarks' as my gateway to a frank discussion.
Your lifestyles are extremely unequal and he has it exceptionally easy by comparison with you. Granted, his free time is somewhat 'enforced' by the fact he is away with work, but he gets it none the less, whereas you get practically none.
Even if he wasn't being this way about your weekend i think there's problems brewing, as you'd need to be a saint to put up with this disparity without resentment creeping in at some point.
You need to talk and find a way of getting a fairer share of free time.

It's all very well him saying that his job affords you your current lifestyle, but have you ever sat down and worked out what your lifestyle costs you emotionally, mentally and physically as well as financially and what you each get back living the way you do currently? Maybe you'd prefer to live on less money but spend more time together or child free?

Who gets to choose at whose expense (all different kinds) you maintain your current lifestyle?

I think you definitely need more time off/to yourself!

What a selfish twat. He doesn't know how to cope with your DC because you're always done everything.

Stop it!

My DH has already started making comments on how lucky I am to have a weekend away, isn’t it so nice to have time to myself etc and I’m not sure why it’s making me absolutely furious. I’m trying to remain really passive about it but feel like I could really use some time to myself and he’s taking away some of the excitement by implying that I don’t deserve it.
Next time he tells you how "lucky" you are to have a weekend away, blow up at him.
Tell him it's not "luck", it's hard work & planning.

Ask him why he gets so much leisure time while you get hardly any. List out the hours off he gets that you don't. Ask him why he does no housework.
Tell him you are considering going back to 5 days a week & chasing a promotion, so he will have to start doing 50% of all the housework, childcare, & mental load.

See if that gets him to STFU.

how do I deal with this without sounding like I’m complaining about everything?

Eh?
Why are you scared of him thinking you are complaining?
You have valid complaints!

we always worked so that when we were at home, we shared the fun and the chores. If either of us had a day off, that wasn't for chores unless there was something that really needed doing and they didn't mind.

We took it in turns to be a SAHP when they were tiny, though, so my DH knew what needed doing. We didn't do a handover and he was way better at it than me, but we knew it would be like that anyway.

OP you just need to have a discussion with him about how the DC are getting older and as a family you need to adjust to that, getting them involved in family chores (preferably in the week) and that family time at the weekend can now also mean "me" time for you (and to be fair, then your DH will want some)

Each family is different, but as DC grow and change, the family needs to change too. And it would be a good time to point out how different your evenings in the week are to your DHs. Even if wining and dining clients is work, it is fun work that doesn't really feel like it, most of the time.

Because women have been trained that 'nagging' is a dreadful, female trait. To be avoided at all costs. Instead of calling it "asking for needs to be met" we've decided that shutting women up is important and as in the OP, passivity is a positive trait.

Fortunately I learned that using the word 'nagging' is shorthand for 'I'm a lazy dick who doesn't even want the work of listening to you, I'm franking an arsehole'. And no one gives out medals for passivity.

I agree.

My husband has always been the main earner and has never used that as an excuse to resent me doing things for myself away from the children. I would go to events like the Good Food show or the Country Living Fair. When they were a bit older I would have weekends away with friends and he had the same number of walking weekends with his friends. Money or earning power never entered the equation.

Op I would be furious at his attitude. He is very fortunate that you are there to keep homelife together while he does his "very important job". He should be doing nothing but wave you off and wishing you a great time.

Stop being so passive. Next time he comments tell him how lucky he is to basically be an absent parent and husband most of the time with plenty of time to socialise and basically do as he pleases. Sounds like a dick.

I wouldn’t be able to keep my mouth shut if my Dh made passive aggressive comments like that. Fuck staying passive.

I have a job that I enjoy that is flexible and 2 lovely boys- I really enjoy spending time with them and they really are good as gold. They are for the most part very well behaved and helpful. I would hate for it to come off like I was complaining about them to DH.

I guess maybe I don’t feel entitled to complain because I feel lucky for what I have and it’s partly my doing allowing them to sign up for sports clubs etc that take up a lot of our week. I think I thought as they got older my free time would come naturally but I may need to enforce it more

I think I’d start replying ‘yes dear, I’m going to look at booking a few more too, lucky me!’ As well as telling him how lucky he is every time he enjoys some leisure time. Entitled prick. No doubt he doesn’t consider childcare as work until he has to do it either.

I think I thought as they got older my free time would come naturally but I may need to enforce it more

It's not going to happen naturally, because every time there si a childcare or household need, it is only you who solves it.

What a lucky man your husband is, to have you do everything for him.

I work 4 days a week and he works long hours and is often away for most of the week sometimes including weekends. I do 90% of housework, all admin for the boys school, clubs, walk the dog, arrange appointments, birthdays, buying gifts etc.

You’re hardly slacking, are you? It’s not very part-time either- you seem to think because he earns more he’s entitled to more than you…

My DH has already started making comments on how lucky I am to have a weekend away, isn’t it so nice to have time to myself etc

Tell him it’s not “lucky”, obviously. But definitely tell him that yes, it is nice to have time to yourself and you’ve realised you’re not getting enough of it so … [insert a regular weekend alone-time commitment here].

Also, put DH and the DC in question in charge of kit bags for weekend sports activities DH is transporting to. It will initially be painful and shouty probably, but ultimately freeing.

As a PP says, you have 2 male DC. You’ve got a responsibility to upskill them.

Whilst away he has time to go to the gym, out for dinner and drinks or just binge watch Netflix if he wishes.
Point out how lucky he is…

It's swings and roundabouts op. He enables your 4 day week and most certainly contributes financially to your family, but you enable his career by doing 90% of all the housework and 100% of the mental load - one can't exist without the other.

I'd sit him down and say exactly what you've said in your op. Keep calm and ask him not to interrupt until you've finished. I'd also tell him that you need more time to yourself which includes time away from the dc. Both with and without himS

Make it even.
For every drink out or afternoon lounging on Netflix he has make sure you have at least the same amount of time to yourself. You just go about it the same way he does.

If you like going away and he doesn't, tough titties, you're a grown adult and can do what you want with your own time. You are only 50% of the parent.

Op, the next time he makes a comment stop what you are doing and say something like this.

“I’m not sure if you are joking around or being serious, but I’m asking you to stop. I need this time away and I need you to be supportive of it. It’s a never ending slog for me to keep things running while you are away and this is my chance for some me time. I don’t want you pissing on my excitement and planning.”