AIBU to be annoyed about husband’s attitude towards my weekend away

[Mob2011]

Not sure if I’m just feeling a bit knackered and under appreciated so just wanted an outside opinion. I do understand this is a fairly minor annoyance.

DH and I have 2 boys age 8 & 10, I work 4 days a week and he works long hours and is often away for most of the week sometimes including weekends. I do 90% of housework, all admin for the boys school, clubs, walk the dog, arrange appointments, birthdays, buying gifts etc.

DH has a lot of freedom generally and I never have any issue with him going out with friends. His job is quite sociable and involves going out with clients and he speaks very highly of his colleagues who he sees outside of working hours. Whilst away he has time to go to the gym, out for dinner and drinks or just binge watch Netflix if he wishes. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed at home and quite often my day starts at 6am (boys are early risers!) and can be 9/10pm by the time we’ve done clubs, dinner, homework and got everything ready for the next day. Most of my socialising is done around the children, play dates with friends children of similar ages or having a friend over for a takeaway once they are in bed.

My AIBU is some school friends are arranging a girls weekend away in summer. It’s a free weekend so I’ve said I’m keen to go. My DH has already started making comments on how lucky I am to have a weekend away, isn’t it so nice to have time to myself etc and I’m not sure why it’s making me absolutely furious. I’m trying to remain really passive about it but feel like I could really use some time to myself and he’s taking away some of the excitement by implying that I don’t deserve it. I don’t want to dwell on it and then it blows up into a big argument but it would have been nice to hear ‘yes you absolutely deserve it, have a great time and I’ll take care of everything at home’.

AIBU for finding this so infuriating? 🤣 how do I deal with this without sounding like I’m complaining about everything? I do get the occasional evening out or night away without kids but he doesn’t seem to understand as default parent either me or the children have to physically leave the house to get any real break from them.

sorry for the essay!

Of course he doesn't want you to go away. Because it means he'll actually have to do some parenting and domestic work for once. The poor man.

Thanks for all the replies!

Me and the boys have a good routine and somehow (due to my planning) the weeks run pretty smoothly. This is what I don’t want to complain about as it doesn’t really bother me much that he’s away and don’t want that to be the focus. We just get on with it although I guess resentment is starting to build. By the time I’ve done pick up and drop off on my day off I get around 5 hours to do all jobs that I need to do without boys so it’s not so much of a day off to myself to do what I want.

I get that staying in hotels and socialising with work colleagues wouldn’t be everyone’s first choice but tbh I would rather have a nice meal in a restaurant with my work colleagues than rush home to do tea and stand at the side of a cold sports pitch. Just some of the time!

I earn a ok salary and my take home does make a difference to our lifestyle so it’s not like I’m earning nothing. I went for a promotion when youngest started school and then had some time at home during covid so agree we are in need of a reset as he’s unaware of how much mental energy running everyone’s lives takes, especially now I’m working more and I’m well overdue some carefree time away. I felt a bit like I was making a big deal of nothing so glad to know I’m not.

Is he basically the dad in motherland?

He's a joke, has no idea. I'd be planning a week away, including school time.

I love motherland but he doesn’t think it’s funny. Maybe that’s why 🤣

I'd get sorting out the mental load now.

My DH worked away a lot. He's retired now & thought it would be better staying at home.

He's now realised there's a fuck tonne of work needs doing every day. He did moan a lot but we've had a lot of conversations & he's stepped up.

Be careful or you'll end up with all the drudgery later in life too.

His reaction to your weekend away shows that he thinks its a bit out of the ordinary which you need to nip in the bud. As it shouldn't even warrant a comment. So you need to start regularly booking in more social time for yourself, trips, dinners, weekends. Not asking permission or opinions beyond checking he is around to be with the kids. Not offering justifications either. Just doing it so it becomes the norm.

Mumsnet has a funny attitude towards travelling away for work, probably because it's quite rare and most people don't have personal experience of it.

Yes, he has time to go to the gym or binge Netflix. This is because when he finishes his work day, he is stuck in a bland hotel room, miles away from family and friends, with nothing else to do. He has to go out for dinner and drinks because he has no kitchen, or home-cooked meal to come home to.

If more mums had spent their evenings tweaking Powerpoint presentations in a Premier Inn room outside Peterborough, there would be a bit more support for the party working away I think.

I’ve travelled for work and it’s bloody awesome. I used to do what added up to a week every month or two. Dinner in restaurants on expenses budget, either getting up early for a jog or late and stroll down to brekky and the office a short walk away. Evenings to myself in a hotel room with work, even after a full day and several more hours of work in the evening it felt like a total holiday and THAT WAS BEFORE KIDS. So don’t assume all the mumsnetters are just making ignorant judgements please. Op I hope you had your come to Jesus talk about a bit of respect for your role and it’s challenges, and he is stepping up much more at home.

With respect, one week every other month with no kids is a completely different lifestyle to being away from your kids "often for most of the week sometimes including weekends". You can't compare. If you are in a better level of hotel than Premier Inn/Travelodge, then your experience will be better, of course, but then more hours are expected of you and the gym/Netflix time gets cut into.

YANBU. And make sure you enjoy every single minute of that weekend!

I'd do this. What a dumb prick.

I agree with those saying that you need to do it more often.

Is there a reason why you get up at 6am with your sons? At those ages, they are old enough to make their own breakfast and you sleep until you have to be up for work/dropping them at school.

I'd also have your husband do more around the house when he's home and if not already, your sons do some things around the house too.

It’s not really relevant whether working away is fun/not fun, harder work/easier than being at home (I do it and it’s a mix of all those things especially when you have kids). What matters is that OP, who pulls her weight and then some, is going on a weekend away and her DH is being a passive aggressive dickhead about it. It’s her contributions that are being devalued, not his. I don’t really understand OP’s reluctance to call him on it though. If he doesn’t like being told he’s behaving like a dick he always has the option not to.

So reduce some of your hours if you want more time to yourself. Or get yourself a better paid job with longer hours and bringing in more money if you want things to be an even 50/50. I've been in both sides of your situation and being home at 4pm every day was 100% easier.

I'm amazed at how many people think working away is a cushy number. It's absolutely not and it's not relaxing at all.
However, everyone should be able to have a weekend away so go for it OP and enjoy it.

I'm amazed that people aren't allowed an opinion on something they have done. I used to work away at least one week in every month, often more. Doing 60 hours a week sometimes more.

It was hard work but I didn't have housework, childcare, dinner to cook, washing to do, nothing. Sleeping through was bliss with a non-sleeper at home. I missed the family of course. But it was cushy.

Of course you're allowed your opinion - that's your experience of working away. It doesn't reflect that of many others who have a stressful time working away. For me, I love being at home. It's where I'm comfortable. Working away is a constant 'being on show', having to be sociable when you don't feel like it, not sleeping because I never sleep well away from my own bed, not having access to the basics like washing machine, fridge etc so having to plan everything meticulously. Then there's missing family, missing social events with friends, missing birthdays etc. That's just the surface of it all but I was unhealthy when I worked away. It isn't a normal way for any human to live. I found it hard and so do many others.

I’m trying to remain really passive about it

Why?

Spell it out clearly that you need some time off and that he needs to step up and be a parent.

I would have had a hard time holding my tongue the first time he said anything. He would have got both barrels from me.
Stop being passive and tell him straight.

There are times when losing your shit is entirely appropriate and the situation actually requires it.

This is one of them.

THis - maybe point out that if he continues to piss you off he'll be having the DC to himself EOW.....

It's bliss, even after a full day of surveying when your feet feel like its on fire. A night to stretch out on the bed (all to yourself, no tiny knees in your back at 3am) for a M&S picnic while you binge watch food network and play on your phone. Then a full 8 hours sleep and a buffet breakfast. Amazing.

That he thinks you are so so lucky to get a random weekend away is the issue - you're a mother not a prisoner.

Parents should support one another to get good chunks of childfree downtime, and if they don't, they clearly don't think much of their wife/husband/partner.

Have you been away without him and the kids before?

It’s not the working away, it’s the not having to be responsible for all the home stuff people envy.

The issue here is that OP is treating what he does with respect. He is not doing the same for her.

His job may provide the lifestyle but the unpaid work she does is the scaffolding that enables the job. And its being taken for granted.