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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be unsure about living in this very affluent area when we are not well off. Feelings .

91 replies

Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:02

Hi we live in what has become and affluent area. It used to be much more varied. in fact at one point ut was run down .
it is in a beautiful rural place and visitors come who have money to spend . The house prices have risen . Local cafes etc are always full as are the pubs.

We have a moderate income , a 15 year old car . We economise all the time.

There are a lot of rich early retired people our age age here.
When we socialise , because of our income , we have to be careful and we find we have very different lives .

We are quite strong minded people who have worked in public services all our lives so ut is not like we wt ro emulate them .. its more that the gap is becoming increasinglt apparent when we simply go

out for a drink or our daily lives and it is starting to feel like a constant message / prey on out minds . It's like the reverse of cbt .. In that we are constanlky reminded of the difference.

example s in last few weeks include

having to remind people why we cant drink in rounds as cant afford ( an alien concept by look on faces)

being asked why dont i go private for health care

being told about bi monthly holidays/ 90 days abroad .

why we have not fixed a problem on the house
( visible from road)

actually said .. we dont know what to do with all our money.. we don't need this much . Complains re multiple inheritance tax .

at our age we have everything

this sort of thing is said in bewildered tones . It seems innocent not nasty.

also isnt it great to be retired ( age 50) .

it i means we cant do some things as th
e more sensitive or aware don't invite us as they don't want to embarrass.
So dont get invited .
any tips ? Thinking of positive thinking ( v happy live here) .. ignore iit ..
move ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:11

We have tried to socialise for cheaper.
By cooking / bring a bottle . It seems that its an array of drinks that is supposed to be offered . Its not really what we can afford and we do not want to appear tight !

Its the situation that a few seem so far removed from our situation that they really dont understand . Like they say just do it .. something we would have to save 2 years for , or a new carpet etc. .. when they are about to buy a brand new car , there is not a thought about it .
this is not jealously.. its the having to explajn no we cant do that , sorry we cant do a £100 per head meal , no we cant go out to the pub , out for breakfast x3 a week.. and it is leading to a feeling of social isolation .. as well as actual exclusion simply because we cant go .
what to do .. create more independent thought?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:12

.. or move to a more varied place ?

OP posts:
Greatly · 06/01/2023 11:14

having to remind people why we cant drink in rounds as cant afford ( an alien concept by look on faces)

I'd feel uncomfortably tight not buying a round tbh
Just don't go to the pub with a group if you can't afford it!

The rest can be ignored!

Greatly · 06/01/2023 11:15

Tbh if you can never afford to go out for dinner or buy the odd round in a pub then I'd be thinking about downsizing.

felulageller · 06/01/2023 11:16

It seems to be a very active social life for being new to somewhere.

Not buying rounds is rude and having an unsightly house will piss off the neighbours but the rest sounds like them being arses.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/01/2023 11:16

It sounds like you need to focus on making different friends. Even in affluent areas there will be other less well off people; and plenty of well-off people don’t talk about money all the time: we have friends of all income levels from freelancers scratching a living to genuine millionaires, and you really wouldn’t know who was who from their appearance, interests, topics of conversation, or attitude. Are there hobby groups, perhaps on the edge of your area and a more mixed one you could join?

QueenBodicea · 06/01/2023 11:24

Not buying rounds is quite usual these days, particularly amongst the younger generation and not considered rude at all. This is supported by the Drink Aware campaign as people drink at different paces and shouldn't feel the need to match others drink for drink.

Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:26

We don't have a big house to downsize to . Its actually the cheapest in the area.
We are not new to the area. It is the area that has changed.
It has moved from a sleepy place to one that has become trendy. Hence the rise in cafe prices etc.
Houses are now often owned by second home owners and many locals cannot afford the houses . There are a few locals like us I think and work flat out in two jobs . We are older than them though. For eg I could not physically clean 5 holiday homes in a day each day .
The biggest demographic, to find my tribe in aa it where, apart from second home owners are wealthy early retired ( say age 50) .It is a small place.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 06/01/2023 11:27

Can’t see why not buying a round is rude as long as you’re not letting others buy drinks for you

mondaytosunday · 06/01/2023 11:28

Well it must be a nice neighbourhood if everyone is so social with each other! What about your friends from before? Have they all left? I have new acquaintances but most of my friends I've known for years, mainly with the same affluence, so these things generally don't arise , and if one of us can't afford the price of a suggested restaurant (for example) they speak up and we change venue.
So perhaps you can't go out as much as you like with these people. Maybe just entertain them occasionally at your home? And if the talk is too rich - well they don't sound like they are on your wavelength anyway.
We had the reverse at one stage - a woman in the group would just moan about her holidays in Mauritius (happy to hear about some one's holiday, but all she did was moan about how the villa was on the wrong end of the island so windy, that the pool was on the chilly side, but the cinema room was great) and that they had a couple mini breaks coming up but couldn't decide where to go skiing that year... most of us couldn't afford more than one holiday a year so she was met with polite smiles after the first mention of her holiday woes. She doesn't join us anymore.

Elleherd · 06/01/2023 11:29

Having insufficient money (or mobility) to keep up with what those around you take for granted, does lead to social isolation IME. I'm disabled and going anywhere requires money and making specific arrangements and many people just find it all draining or embarrasing, so slowly you get excluded.
You can try doing you, ie inviting them for meals etc, but they sound like people who'll just slowly ghost you when you can't keep up with their standard of living or because they feel embarrassed.
I'd say either try and find friends who are more like you, or accept that's how life is.

KimberleyClark · 06/01/2023 11:29

OP so your area has become gentrified? I think it’s sad when that happens and people who have always lived there get pushed out.

Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:30

Agree .. some of these people do not talk about money all the time. However , they talk about their several holidays a year( why wouldn't you).. and do we want to go for a meal etc.. which is normal weekly event to them and they sre being kind inviting us along .. its the having to say no all the time that gets us .

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:33

Yes that is right , its become gentrified. For example. We have no supermarket but th local shop is now just beyond expensive so I cant support my local shop.

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 06/01/2023 11:34

I just don’t think these are the friends for you OP, if they make comments as tactless as you say. I have friends both (seemingly - I don’t really dig into people’s finances) much poorer and much more well-off than me, and I suggest ways of socialising that match that along with other circumstances. Ie if someone has young kids I’d suggest meeting up somewhere where kids are welcome. That’s what it means to be thoughtful and open to difference, imo, which makes for strong friendships. Someone wanging on about their holidays/private healthcare etc when it’s not of interest to you… it’s just tedious and self-interested.

Mirabai · 06/01/2023 11:37

Where are all your existing friends?

I live in an incredibly expensive area and I’m not wealthy. My friends range from similar financial circumstances to me to super wealthy.

If people invite me to do things I can’t afford I just say it’s not in my budget. I ask them about holidays as I like to hear about them.

These things don’t have to be an issue unless you make it one.

Rwenearlythereyet · 06/01/2023 11:42

Even if they’re lovely people, I’d find it hard relating to someone who was very well off. You clearly have very different lifestyles and therefore not much in common. I would remain friendly, but back away from social situations with them.
If you keep turning invites down they will eventually stop asking.

Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:43

dont think they mean to be tactless. For eg they try to appear generous. Eg one has a house with great views . We all sit in the garden . ‘ oh i am so pleased to be able to share my space 1 million soace with loveky people’ ..big smiles .

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:46

My existing friends are all at work full time . I have a health issue so am pt at present and am older.
I set up a bookgroup but the only people who can come is those that don't need to be at work . The others .. its not their things after work .

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 06/01/2023 11:47

If they can get to 50 and not see that it’s inappropriate to mention how much their house cost when you’re hosting people, they are rather tactless, I’d say.

ginghamstarfish · 06/01/2023 11:49

They don't sound like friends you'd want, with all the stealth boasting and snobbiness. You could sell your house at an inflated price to someone like them, and move to an area you would feel more comfortable in.

Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:51

And to be honest, at my age , More of existing friends , quite a few have come into money via multiple inheritances. Thus , their lifestyle has actually changed .
for eg one has inherited from a childless couple who is friends with , in addition to family , so its a huge shift from working to actually nit needing to work anymore .

OP posts:
Original poster
Wibblingalittie · 06/01/2023 11:52

Yes we are thinking of moving . Seems a shame as each time that happens .. the place appears to become more and more gentrified.

OP posts:
Mumsfret1976 · 06/01/2023 11:59

Just rise above it. DH and I are the poor relations in our family. We just nod along politely and go back to our little house and minimum wage jobs and take no notice. We're happy with our lot and that's all that matters.

Join in the social stuff you can afford and set clear boundaries for the rest. Make it clear you can't afford it and that's that.

Gooseysgirl · 06/01/2023 12:01

That would simply do my head in and I would probably end up moving! Such a shame though 😕 Retiring at 50 (or even 60!) is a pipe dream for most of us, I couldn't be around people that don't have the emotional intelligence and sensitivity to realise that others are not in the same position as them!