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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister "lectures" my son

108 replies

Jollofrice · 04/01/2023 08:50

Sister has son similar age to mine who we visit twice a year or so. Everyone gets on well. When her son does something "wrong" whether major or minor and on every instance he will get a long talk about why he had to say please/not run/how he was careless for dropping his good...Her voice is not raised,generally fair though the talks get repetitive. She does the same to my son and generally I let it pass whether I think fair or not however yesterday it just got to a point where I thought it's just sucking the fun out of the day/visit and the talks should be reserved for unsafe/important issues.

I see her son unhappy with these talks but not my place to comment on style of parenting.

I guess my tolerance for letting certain things go are higher than hers.

Example: My son was getting the last pizza slice from a box and asked if he could have it. He did lift it out of the box and Sister from halfway across the room said "No, that is John's" and walked towards him so being startled he tries to pass the slice to her and dropped it. Instantly she said "you dropped it because you were rushing. Stop rushing so much!".

I knew John already had a slice and my son also only had once slice. So I asked why was it John's as they both had a slice so maybe they could have shared it? She said I don't who had what and that is irrelevant here. He was rushing so dropped it which is strictly true.

AIBU - Sister is doing me a favour so that my son learns?

AIBNU - Sister has over reached her boundaries?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 04/01/2023 16:27

It's not clear though that he was told yes, you can have the last slice. I'm reading that as if he asked out of habit but didn't wait for a reply...so kinda "lm taking this last slice as no-one objects"
Maybe he has a more dominant personality than his cousin and auntie thought "here we go again...straight in"...
I'd guess she was in Lioness mode ensuring her son wasn't overlooked. That was an over reaction. The rest is fine.

DamnThatHitsHome · 04/01/2023 16:50

You’d actually speak to a member of your family like that, simply because they dared to tell your son calmly to slow down? I am honestly amazed and am starting to understand why so many young people think it’s normal to speak horribly to each other now.

Not because of the way the aunt speaks- because of the way some respondents here apparently would.

DamnThatHitsHome · 04/01/2023 16:52

Apologies, this was meant as a reply to @KettrickenSmiled

DamnThatHitsHome · 04/01/2023 16:59

Kanaloa · 04/01/2023 15:25

If I had seen one of my kids doing that and they were little, I would have said "X, thank you for asking if you can have the last slice, but please don't touch the pizza until we know if anyone else wants some."

And what if you said that, and then someone else said they wanted it? This child had only eaten one slice of pizza. He had as much right to the pizza as anyone. And there’s no point finding out if anyone else wants some - this was the last slice.

Do other people really have ‘discussions’ over who can eat the last slice of pizza? Surely the normal protocol is the person who goes to eat it eats it, especially if they have had only one slice.

Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone thinking it’s normal to just take the last piece of food at a dinner with others, instead of offering to others. Surely, surely you would offer to others and share if anyone wanted?

Unless there are cultural differences- not that I’m aware of- it is absolutely the done thing to offer.

waterrat · 04/01/2023 17:04

I have a friend like this...constant stream of judgement snd telling kids what they are doing wrong. It absolutely takes the joy out of hanging out. And this is despite mmy friend being a well meaning lovely person

As its your sister you may have to say something ...i just now try to see my friend without our kids

waterrat · 04/01/2023 17:06

I understand op this really isnt about thr situation with the pizza..its when adults are constantly picking up on minor things with kids so kids end up anxious and on edge

GloomyDarkness · 04/01/2023 17:22

StaceySolomonSwash · 04/01/2023 09:29

Adults that deliberately fluster children and then blame them for panicking and dropping or making a mistake (like the sister did) are nasty. My ex did that until I pointed out that DS only reacted like that when he was around to hector him, all other times DS wasn't clumsy that he realised he was the problem. Sister needs to butt out and parent her own son, not her nephew.

I do have dyspraxia so I am more clumsy than normal but I was surrounded by adults who did this - I didn't realise till I saw them do it to my kids and decided to stepped in and stop it.

If it's this then say something - but it's hard to tell if it really is this or a more normal conversation though:

So I asked why was it John's as they both had a slice so maybe they could have shared it? She said I don't who had what and that is irrelevant here. He was rushing so dropped it which is strictly true.

This does read as very dismissive which I think could get bloody annoying.

Sherbetdib · 04/01/2023 17:40

Thank goodness you only visit twice a year !

I may be wrong but am guessing she is an older sibling. Keen to set out her rules in her gaff.

At some point I would talk to her about it. It bothers you and it isn't nice for your son to be ticked off by her in front of you. She is undermining you in front of him. You cannot have that.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/01/2023 17:54

So your kid was greedy and tried to take the last slice while pretending to ask essentially. Even if he only had 1 slice you ask and wait for a response. Then your sister would have been able to say that John only had 1 slice and you could have responded that your DS only had 1 as well.

He was rushing. Rushing to get it off the plate and into his mouth by the sounds of it. He was greedy and rude. I mean, kids are like this, especially at that age when they think with their stomach which is why parents should be there to step in, which your sister did.

I also think at this age, they are more clumsy as they're growing (my DB was certainly like this). Accidents happen. Yes it's a PITA to be reminded to not rush after you've rushed, but similarly, half the advice on mns also requires a time machine (should have thought about that before you had kids/got married/chose him etc) so meh.

It's a very non-event.

Kanaloa · 04/01/2023 21:16

It’s not ‘greedy and rude’ to want more than a single slice of pizza. That isn’t enough. Most people would presume they can have a second slice.

QueenMabs · 04/01/2023 21:28

YANBU.

She is condescending patronising and a know it all.

He was eating pizza and she was rude and he got flustered. He may been clumsy.

She is then more rude to point out he was rushing, he wasn't. She embarrassed him. Not one rushes to put pizza back in box.

I cannot stand it when people accuse me of rushing or not listening as I'm never in a rush and a always listen.

Now I am clumsy and don't always do as I'm told but that is differ t ball game.

Just say to her and him it's no big deal he knows now.

LittleMG · 04/01/2023 21:43

@Jollofrice My sisters partner does it to my son who’s 4. His children are grown up and were a nightmare as kids and he has the cheek to lecture my kid! Who today got told off for walking across the room with a crust of toast to give to his baby brother. It makes me so uncomfortable and I wonder if I should say anything??? Did you say something? My mum was there and she was fuming I thought please don’t say anything!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/01/2023 22:10

Kanaloa · 04/01/2023 21:16

It’s not ‘greedy and rude’ to want more than a single slice of pizza. That isn’t enough. Most people would presume they can have a second slice.

Even if other people had only had 1 slice as well? Why was OPs son more deserving of the spare slice than her DN?

Separate pondering, where did the rest of the pizza go?

Kanaloa · 04/01/2023 22:15

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/01/2023 22:10

Even if other people had only had 1 slice as well? Why was OPs son more deserving of the spare slice than her DN?

Separate pondering, where did the rest of the pizza go?

Show quote history

Well why was DN more deserving than op’s son? Of course it would have been rude to snatch it out of his cousin’s hand if he had already had much more, but that poster was insisting he was greedy and desperate to ‘scoff’ the pizza. He was hardly sitting shovelling in more than his fair share - one slice of pizza is a tiny amount.

Hankunamatata · 04/01/2023 22:16

Well your son was bad mannered grabbing the slice then asking if he could have it when it was already in his hand.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 04/01/2023 22:18

LittleMG · 04/01/2023 21:43

@Jollofrice My sisters partner does it to my son who’s 4. His children are grown up and were a nightmare as kids and he has the cheek to lecture my kid! Who today got told off for walking across the room with a crust of toast to give to his baby brother. It makes me so uncomfortable and I wonder if I should say anything??? Did you say something? My mum was there and she was fuming I thought please don’t say anything!

Why wouldn’t you say something?
my BIL has anxiety and so was always int io on my kids snapping at everything they did at his house. We don’t go there now. He tried it at my house but I intervened and told him we aren’t as strict about things as him. He’s like it with his own children too. Everything they do he criticised or comments on. It must be exhausting for them.

Original poster
Jollofrice · 04/01/2023 22:32

Both are seven

OP posts:
OopzIDidItAgain · 04/01/2023 22:33

Where did the rest of the pizza go?????

pocketvenuss · 04/01/2023 22:38

I think you may need to give more examples

LittleMG · 04/01/2023 22:50

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow
Im scared it will damage my relationship with my sister. We really get in well and I don’t want to hurt her. She’s had a go at him before over it I’ve seen her (from a distance) really lay into him over it but he still does it. Also my mum has history of not liking her boyfriends and it’s has ruined their relationship really. I don’t want that to happen to me too. You’re right I should say something but family dynamics make me worry I’ll open a can of worms. Also he’s one of those people who if you say something he’ll come back harder and escalate it, and I don’t want a slanging match over my kids heads.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 04/01/2023 22:55

LittleMG · 04/01/2023 22:50

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow
Im scared it will damage my relationship with my sister. We really get in well and I don’t want to hurt her. She’s had a go at him before over it I’ve seen her (from a distance) really lay into him over it but he still does it. Also my mum has history of not liking her boyfriends and it’s has ruined their relationship really. I don’t want that to happen to me too. You’re right I should say something but family dynamics make me worry I’ll open a can of worms. Also he’s one of those people who if you say something he’ll come back harder and escalate it, and I don’t want a slanging match over my kids heads.

It is difficult.

could you maybe just breezily undermine his comments. Eg if he moans about the toast say something like “oh he was just giving his brother some toast. You’re such a kind brother. And nanny doesn’t mind you eating toast in here does she”. - harder if it’s in his house though I suppose.

Breakingpoint1961 · 05/01/2023 01:10

I don't need anyone else to 'discipline' my DC thank you, I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself! She sounds high and mighty, OTT and would have me on eggshells.

What you've described is nothing other than a little boy taking some food (yes he could've asked before he picked it up) dropped it (accident) and didn't need to be chastised in that way.

How does your DS react when you tell him you are visiting your DSIS? Is he anxious/nervous?

I fear her DC will have issues around confidence, sounds like she's constantly putting him down!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/01/2023 12:43

Kanaloa · 04/01/2023 22:15

Well why was DN more deserving than op’s son? Of course it would have been rude to snatch it out of his cousin’s hand if he had already had much more, but that poster was insisting he was greedy and desperate to ‘scoff’ the pizza. He was hardly sitting shovelling in more than his fair share - one slice of pizza is a tiny amount.

Show quote history

That poster was me. I stand by he was greedy. Neither was more deserving which is why it should have been cut in half so both boys could have some.
Kids often are greedy as they don't have the emotional maturity to share everything evenly without parental instruction.
My 6 year old would be greedy if left to his own devices. I don't let him.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/01/2023 12:48

one slice of pizza is a tiny amount

Entirely depends on the size of the pizza tbf. One slice of a twenty inch pizza is not. One slice of an eight inch pizza is.

Kanaloa · 05/01/2023 15:09

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 05/01/2023 12:43

That poster was me. I stand by he was greedy. Neither was more deserving which is why it should have been cut in half so both boys could have some.
Kids often are greedy as they don't have the emotional maturity to share everything evenly without parental instruction.
My 6 year old would be greedy if left to his own devices. I don't let him.

Show quote history

It is not greedy to want to eat more than a single slice of pizza. It’s perfectly normal. Unless you only serve yourself one single slice when you have pizza.