Sister "lectures" my son

[Jollofrice]

Sister has son similar age to mine who we visit twice a year or so. Everyone gets on well. When her son does something "wrong" whether major or minor and on every instance he will get a long talk about why he had to say please/not run/how he was careless for dropping his good...Her voice is not raised,generally fair though the talks get repetitive. She does the same to my son and generally I let it pass whether I think fair or not however yesterday it just got to a point where I thought it's just sucking the fun out of the day/visit and the talks should be reserved for unsafe/important issues.

I see her son unhappy with these talks but not my place to comment on style of parenting.

I guess my tolerance for letting certain things go are higher than hers.

Example: My son was getting the last pizza slice from a box and asked if he could have it. He did lift it out of the box and Sister from halfway across the room said "No, that is John's" and walked towards him so being startled he tries to pass the slice to her and dropped it. Instantly she said "you dropped it because you were rushing. Stop rushing so much!".

I knew John already had a slice and my son also only had once slice. So I asked why was it John's as they both had a slice so maybe they could have shared it? She said I don't who had what and that is irrelevant here. He was rushing so dropped it which is strictly true.

AIBU - Sister is doing me a favour so that my son learns?

AIBNU - Sister has over reached her boundaries?

I think the thing is that it wasn’t really about rushing though. She likely felt annoyed because op picked her up on the unfairness of her jumping in to tell the boy he couldn’t have the pizza because she wanted her son to have more, and insisted it ‘wasn’t relevant.’ She wanted to tell him off for taking the pizza, realized she couldn’t because she’d been in the wrong, so moaned about him ‘rushing.’ She basically ended up looking quite stupid because it had been pointed out that she was incorrect and didn’t know the full information, so blistered in about something else.

Really, op should have said ‘you’re always jumping to conclusions without the full information. Maybe in future you should not jump to conclusions - if you hadn’t been rushing you would have had the fill information and would have known the pizza slice was not just for John.’

Which bit’s the lecture?

She made a mildly annoying comment if there’s a backstory, a non-issue without a backstory. But there doesn’t appear to be any lecture given to your son by your sister.

The child didn’t throw pizza onto the floor. Did you struggle to read the op? He was trying to pass it to his aunt, who wanted her own son to have more, and accidentally dropped.

And the first person rushing was the aunt. Perhaps if she hadn’t rushed to conclusions and tried to bluster in deciding who should get what without the appropriate information, he wouldn’t have dropped it. Maybe she needs to not rush in without actually knowing anything.

As others have said...it all sounds quite tedious. People aren't machines. Accidents happen and they don't need an 'I told you soon top of everything else. She is overparenting both kids which is annoying. Train your kid to tell her to f* off? (Just kidding...ish).

I'm all for polite kids and correcting behaviour but your sister sounds tedious and doesn't sound like she treats them the same when together.

She's very unwise. My mother had a tendency when we were kids to back us individually into a corner and lecture on whatever her perception of our shortcomings was. It was totally counter-productive. We'd sit there in dumb silence and then carry on and ignore her. To this day I and my siblings remember those lectures as one of the worst elements of our childhood, and we all have a tricky relationship with our mother. The only relief was when I got older and, having heard the lectures so often, I had responses prepared which my mother wasn't expecting and couldn't deal with - after that she drew back in a big way

It might be worth a mini-lecture to your sister about how she is going the right way to alienate both her nephew and her son.

I don't think we should be raising children who aren't corrected. But also I don't think everything needs to be corrected. Especially if it was a mistake. That way Leads to low self esteem I think. Depends on how often she does it - if you adopt a different approach and it is only on the odd occasion your child has to deal with it, I would leave it. Your child will get what he needs from you and this is in fact a lesson in how to handle difficult people but just starting young

I'd like to hear her side of the story!
Maybe she gets frustrated that you don't explain to/discipline your child 🤷🏻‍♀️

Was going to comment myself, but this response sums it up perfectly! All this was caused by the SIL, so really the only person needing any kind of lecture is her.

She sounds tedious and self righteous. Your son wasn't rushing, she just likes to have the last word, so made something up. He probably dropped it because she made him nervous

She does sound bossy and negative and I can see how that could suck the fun out of a day if it's happening constantly. I'm not sure how I'd respond other than chipping in and cutting her off when it's directed to my child. e.g. if she starts lecturing about not rushing I'd just chime in with 'never mind though, accidents happen, hep me tidy it up'.

People picking up food BEFORE asking if they can have it is also rushing things.

You ask then handle it. Not the other way round.

If he'd asked first, then it could be discussed who had last bit then eaten or shared. She had to say stop quickly to stop him eating it right away.

Then she needs to accept that people parent in different ways. It's not like OP's DS was chucking pizza around to start a food fight. He accidentally dropped a piece of pizza. It barely affects her. She can choose to lecture her son about every minor accident or infraction but she can't insist everyone else does.

Impossible to say if YABU or not without knowing the age of your son (others have asked as well). If he is of an age where he ought to know that you ask if anyone wants the last slice before lifting it up, then he should have been reminded of that, even if he did get startled by his aunt walking towards him (which seems an odd sequence of events), so it's not as if he is entirely innocent here. If I had seen one of my kids doing that and they were little, I would have said "X, thank you for asking if you can have the last slice, but please don't touch the pizza until we know if anyone else wants some."

Currently on your description of some mild, albeit possibly tedious and annoying behaviour (from your sister), I'd be leaning towards YABU.

Shouldn't be picking up the pizza and asking to have it , you ask first as once you touched it someone else might want it
Sounds like a major drama over nothing really

Ditto 😂

Parents will have different styles of disaplining, even within a family. Talking calmly and explaining why a behaviour is wrong seems reasonable to me. You state your nephew seems unhappy when his mum 'lectures' him. I would hardly expect him to be delighted.
Regards pizzagate - could it be that your son has a habit of impulsive thoughtless behaviour? Does he iverpiwer his cousin? He asked for the last slice but was actually already taking it! Your sister noticed this and interviened abruptly to stop him scoffing it. Your son then 'jumped' and dropped it. As it happens he hadn't had more or less than her son but maybe this is the last in a line of minor but irritating events.
In the big scheme of things I'd say this was a non event. You need to accept that when at your sisters (within reasons) these are the rules, as does your son.

If I had seen one of my kids doing that and they were little, I would have said "X, thank you for asking if you can have the last slice, but please don't touch the pizza until we know if anyone else wants some."

And what if you said that, and then someone else said they wanted it? This child had only eaten one slice of pizza. He had as much right to the pizza as anyone. And there’s no point finding out if anyone else wants some - this was the last slice.

Do other people really have ‘discussions’ over who can eat the last slice of pizza? Surely the normal protocol is the person who goes to eat it eats it, especially if they have had only one slice.

If "John" had wanted some, then I would have cut the slice in half.

*his AGE

We really need an edit button.

Oh dear! OP if he’s 11/12 then YABU. The way you talk about him makes him sound like a 4 year old.

Tell him not to pick up and touch food before he’s asked if he can have it. And he should definitely know please, thank you, and not to run in his aunties house.

I'm not sure which thread that is on but indeed AS is a wonderful thing.

In one thread Op is a 40 year old male looking to chat to London females and then a week later they are complaining about their 'DP' sneezing too loud in bed

The OP said that this was the way she was with her own child and OP’s child whenever she is with them. It’s not about a slice of pizza. It’s how the adult is with children and whether that’s a positive or negative experience. It sounds negative to me and it sounded as though she was making the child nervous which is why the child dropped the food and she then further admonished them. Hence me saying it sounded like bullying.

It’s the one about unexpected Christmas gift wins.

I didn’t see any thread about being a 40 year-old man when I searched. Sometimes you have to check the name on the OP because it will bring up threads that the person posted in but did not start.