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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister "lectures" my son

108 replies

Jollofrice · 04/01/2023 08:50

Sister has son similar age to mine who we visit twice a year or so. Everyone gets on well. When her son does something "wrong" whether major or minor and on every instance he will get a long talk about why he had to say please/not run/how he was careless for dropping his good...Her voice is not raised,generally fair though the talks get repetitive. She does the same to my son and generally I let it pass whether I think fair or not however yesterday it just got to a point where I thought it's just sucking the fun out of the day/visit and the talks should be reserved for unsafe/important issues.

I see her son unhappy with these talks but not my place to comment on style of parenting.

I guess my tolerance for letting certain things go are higher than hers.

Example: My son was getting the last pizza slice from a box and asked if he could have it. He did lift it out of the box and Sister from halfway across the room said "No, that is John's" and walked towards him so being startled he tries to pass the slice to her and dropped it. Instantly she said "you dropped it because you were rushing. Stop rushing so much!".

I knew John already had a slice and my son also only had once slice. So I asked why was it John's as they both had a slice so maybe they could have shared it? She said I don't who had what and that is irrelevant here. He was rushing so dropped it which is strictly true.

AIBU - Sister is doing me a favour so that my son learns?

AIBNU - Sister has over reached her boundaries?

OP posts:
Chickenly · 04/01/2023 10:14

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/01/2023 09:13

Controlling?

A Bully?

Am I reading a different thread? 😂

This. YABU. Your precious little darling dropped pizza because he was rushing, she kindly and politely said about three words to him to explain why the bad thing happened as a result of his actions. What on earth could she possibly have done wrong?

What you meant to write was “my sister dared to question whether my child is entirely flawless and I’m desperately offended by it”.

Chickenly · 04/01/2023 10:15

Holly60 · 04/01/2023 09:02

It would wind me up too. Everyone knows why he dropped it, it doesn't need pointing out.

Plus if you wanted to get into it, you could say he was only rushing because she incorrectly told him he couldn't have it.

The correct response to a child dropping something is 'oopsy daisy. Grab a cloth for me sweetie we'll mop it up'. 😀

If the child is two then that’s the correct response. The child doesn’t sound like he’s two.

Nordix · 04/01/2023 10:16

Totally depends, is your son four or is he fourteen?

When her son does something "wrong" whether major or minor and on every instance he will get a long talk about why he had to say please/not run/how he was careless for dropping his good...Her voice is not raised,generally fair though the talks get repetitive. She does the same to my son

So in her own home (you’re visiting them) she calmly tells her child to say please, not run, not be careless etc, and applies the same rules to your child. I fail to see the issue here? In my home I also tell visiting children calmly not to scream, not to run, not to climb on furniture. I remind my own kids about please and thank you and not rushing. Calmly explaining is good parenting.

Her bluntly saying the last slice is for her son was rude. But your son touching the slice and lifting it out while asking if he could have it is also rude (especially if he’s 10+). Sounds like she was just fed up with him at that point.

Your sister is saying this stuff in front if you - so you’re there witnessing the behaviour too - why aren’t you saying it to your child first? Especially with indoors running etc. It sounds like you just have different parenting standards which it’s hard to reconcile.

In her own home I reckon you should try and respect her standards. You could remind your son beforehand, remember at Auntie Xs house to not run indoors.

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 04/01/2023 10:18

Chickenly · 04/01/2023 10:14

This. YABU. Your precious little darling dropped pizza because he was rushing, she kindly and politely said about three words to him to explain why the bad thing happened as a result of his actions. What on earth could she possibly have done wrong?

What you meant to write was “my sister dared to question whether my child is entirely flawless and I’m desperately offended by it”.

Show quote history

Would you speak to an adult that way? It just seems rude to me. I try to model speaking to my kids as I’d expect them to speak to me. So “whoops! Next time how about you go a little slower” would, in my experience as a parent & teacher, elicit more learning from the experience.

saraclara · 04/01/2023 10:20

LaPerduta · 04/01/2023 10:10

If this happens with every little insignificant thing I can imagine it being very tedious indeed.

Yep. This over-explaining telling off style is really irritating. And in this case it was her actions that led to him being flustered and dropping it in the first place.

While it might seem a small thing, if it's a general trend in her behaviour, it'd drive me nuts.
I'd only expect to discipline my nephew if his parents weren't around to do it.

LittleSpringSnowdrop · 04/01/2023 10:21

My son was getting the last pizza slice from a box and asked if he could have it. He did lift it out of the box

He should have asked before lifting it imo.

Chickenly · 04/01/2023 10:22

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 04/01/2023 10:18

Would you speak to an adult that way? It just seems rude to me. I try to model speaking to my kids as I’d expect them to speak to me. So “whoops! Next time how about you go a little slower” would, in my experience as a parent & teacher, elicit more learning from the experience.

Show quote history

If an adult spoke to me by saying “whoops! Next time how about you go a little slower” then I would think that was exceptionally rude. Children are not adults. It’s perfectly acceptable to explain to them, calming and politely, that they shouldn’t rush/run/push/spit/etc because that’s how children learn.

If adults reach adulthood without having been appropriately patented then it isn’t the job of other adults to parent them. But it’s absolutely the job of parents to parent children as if they’re children and not adults.

Chickenly · 04/01/2023 10:23

saraclara · 04/01/2023 10:20

Yep. This over-explaining telling off style is really irritating. And in this case it was her actions that led to him being flustered and dropping it in the first place.

While it might seem a small thing, if it's a general trend in her behaviour, it'd drive me nuts.
I'd only expect to discipline my nephew if his parents weren't around to do it.

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He asked a question, he shouldn’t be flustered that someone dared to respond to it 😂asking a child not to rush is not discipline either

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/01/2023 11:15

Chickenly · 04/01/2023 10:23

He asked a question, he shouldn’t be flustered that someone dared to respond to it 😂asking a child not to rush is not discipline either

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I dont understand the 'its her fault he was flustered' responses tbh, What on earth was there to be flustered about? Also in the op about him being 'startled' as she walked towards him, what is startling about someone walking towards You? Confused

MichelleScarn · 04/01/2023 11:18

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/01/2023 11:15

I dont understand the 'its her fault he was flustered' responses tbh, What on earth was there to be flustered about? Also in the op about him being 'startled' as she walked towards him, what is startling about someone walking towards You? Confused

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It all sounds quite dramatic! Is he not used told 'no' generally? What type of things do you let go?

RudsyFarmer · 04/01/2023 11:22

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/01/2023 09:13

Controlling?

A Bully?

Am I reading a different thread? 😂

Someone who unnecessarily throws their weight around, particularly to someone more vulnerable than themselves is to my mind a bully. Leave the kid alone.

girlmom21 · 04/01/2023 11:23

@RudsyFarmer she literally told him to stop rushing...

MichelleScarn · 04/01/2023 11:24

How is saying no to pizza throwing weight around?!

KettrickenSmiled · 04/01/2023 11:32

I knew John already had a slice and my son also only had once slice. So I asked why was it John's as they both had a slice so maybe they could have shared it? She said I don't who had what and that is irrelevant here. He was rushing so dropped it which is strictly true.

It's not true, strictly or otherwise.
He didn't drop it because he rushed, he dropped it because his aunt startled him.

As soon as she started correcting him again I imagine his heart sank & he felt exposed & clumsy. The way we all do when somebody is obsessively telling us how we are going wrong all the bloody time.

I'd pick your sister up on this in the moment - & I'd be doing it every time. Just a simple "give it a rest, you are droning on again & nobody wants to hear it." I'm amazed that you haven't done so already - does she dominate you, are you scared to put her straight?

mbosnz · 04/01/2023 11:38

When my nieces and nephews were kids, if my sister wasn't there (i.e, I was in loco parentis), I'd say something. If she was there, then I wouldn't. And I'd bite my tongue at her droning a lecture at her children for every little thing.

If I weren't there, I'd expect my sister to say something, if my kid were doing something really rather wrong - something that could harm others, or themselves, anything else,possibly utter a brief opinion on, if asked (realistically I'd expect her to go on and on as she normally would with her kids). If I were there, I'd expect my sister to shut the hell up and do the courtesy of allowing me to set the rules and enforce the rules with my child in my house.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/01/2023 11:40

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/01/2023 11:15

I dont understand the 'its her fault he was flustered' responses tbh, What on earth was there to be flustered about? Also in the op about him being 'startled' as she walked towards him, what is startling about someone walking towards You? Confused

Show quote history

He's startled by her because this is not the only incident of her being unfair, hectoring, & more concerned with her rules than a child's feelings.

If you'd ever had an adult like that in your life when you were a child, you'd understand that it makes the child nervous, watchful & flustered.

BabyOnBoard90 · 04/01/2023 11:51

People are so sensitive and easily offended these days.

YABU

ZeroFuchsGiven · 04/01/2023 11:52

KettrickenSmiled · 04/01/2023 11:40

He's startled by her because this is not the only incident of her being unfair, hectoring, & more concerned with her rules than a child's feelings.

If you'd ever had an adult like that in your life when you were a child, you'd understand that it makes the child nervous, watchful & flustered.

Show quote history

Get a grip ffs.

It is stated in the opening post they all get on well, Her Sister doesnt raise her voice and what she says is generally fair.

Its honestly no wonder the world is turning into a weird place where resilience is becoming obsolete.

She literally done nothing but tell him not to rush, there was no bullying, no controlling, no unfairness or hectoring. The words used on this thread are ridiculous.

SuperSleepyBaby · 04/01/2023 11:56

Your sister sounds annoying and overly serious

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 04/01/2023 11:57

I have a SIL that picks up on every single thing her child did/does. It’s tiring and feels awful. Sounds like your sister does similar. My niece (now an adult)has anxiety and has had periods of self harm. Obviously the causes of that are probably complicated, but I can’t imagine having a constantly highly critical parent, picking up on every mistake you make helps.

As you visit so rarely Incant imagine it would be harmful to your son. However he may well choose to stop visiting when he is older. Because who wants to visit someone who jumps on everything you do.

I’d probably just jump in (verbally) and sort it with my own parent style. “Ooops the pizza fell. Could you pick it up and wipe the floor please”?

CovertImage · 04/01/2023 11:58

He didn't drop it because he rushed, he dropped it because his aunt startled him.

As soon as she started correcting him again I imagine his heart sank & he felt exposed & clumsy.

Jesus christ. We'll be hearing that he didn't feel "safe" soon

Newmum0322 · 04/01/2023 12:00

Holly60 · 04/01/2023 09:02

It would wind me up too. Everyone knows why he dropped it, it doesn't need pointing out.

Plus if you wanted to get into it, you could say he was only rushing because she incorrectly told him he couldn't have it.

The correct response to a child dropping something is 'oopsy daisy. Grab a cloth for me sweetie we'll mop it up'. 😀

😂 this!!

Chickenly · 04/01/2023 12:02

I’m beginning to see why I keep getting comments that my very normal 3yo is very well behaved everywhere we go. Apparently politely asking a child, without shouting or raising your voice, to not rush after throwing pizza onto the floor means that the child is a poor, frazzled, shocked, startled victim of controlling, abusive and intimidating relatives. Most parents I know find parenting hard enough and now we’re not even allowed to ask children nicely to behave themselves? Okie doke then…

Chickenly · 04/01/2023 12:02

Newmum0322 · 04/01/2023 12:00

😂 this!!

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Username checks out 😂🤣

arethereanyleftatall · 04/01/2023 12:10

Yanbu, I know exactly the type of parenting, well over parenting, you're describing and not only is it irritating, I don't think it does the child any long term favours.
And it's so hard to articulate it to that parent because, as can be seen from this thread, that parent is putting loads of effort and never raising their voice, so think they're parenting perfectly.
It doesn't work
It doesn't work because the child doesn't learn to think. I'm sure your child could have worked out that he rushed and thus dropped a bit all by himself. He'll be more careful in future. Save the lectures till they're needed, otherwise they don't get listened to. And to those saying it isn't a lecture, it is, because it's constant.