To Say No Visitors After Certain Time?

nobodygirl2023 · 2023-01-04T04:37:54+00:00

I have a toddler and another baby on way. We find that she eats better with an earlier dinner time so we start that whole routine from around 4pm before some chill out time, bath & then bedtime routine (which is taking longer & longer older she gets). Protecting this late afternoon into early evening time works best for us as a family as we prefer routine. AIBU to insist on no visitors from 4pm for that reason? Family keep suggesting they will 'pop in after work' etc (not for any specific reasons - just coz suits them better than waiting til a weekend or whatever). Being made to feel I'm being to feel I'm being too rigid & need to explain myself for saying 'No don't come'. Surely this is a common boundary I shouldn't feel bad about?

Malariahilaria · 04/01/2023 04:42

This would have driven me bonkers when mine were small. Never mind the dc, I was knackered by 5pm and wouldn't have had any energy for hosting visitors. I used to call 4pm to 7pm 'the witching hours', as DC got over tired and needed winding down. Just tell them no. Who specifically is visiting?

Ohchristmastree311 · 04/01/2023 04:45

@nobodygirl2023 Do what’s right for your family OP!
I have a (just turned) 2 year old who goes to bed at 7/7.30 and I had to ask family to stop just randomly popping in after work. They’d come in at 6.30ish and wind DS right up then he’d take hours to settle. It’s just not worth it to me. they’re welcome to visit at any other time but evenings are for us as a family to wind down for bed.
My parents and the in-laws both struggled to understand it. They all firmly believe that if baby is tired they’ll sleep regardless of where they are but DS just isn’t like that at all!

FromTheFront2theBack · 04/01/2023 04:47

YANBU. Even without young children I prefer not to have guests just popping round all the time in the evening. It's my chill out time. With young children who would be getting excited and out of routine before bed it would be really annoying.

pillow56 · 04/01/2023 04:53

I have no kids but 2 different friends with young kids tell me not to come around after 7.30/8 several times as they need to get the kids to bed. I only call there occasionally anyway but I totally understand that and take no offense. Both of the kids get very excited when I come anyway as I'm the ''fun aunt'' so my presence just wakens them up which is unfair for the parents.

Summer2424 · 04/01/2023 04:55

@nobodygirl2023 no you shouldn't feel bad about it.
I have a routine for my bubba too and i like to stick to it otherwise everything goes out of sync including my sleep 😴

Original poster

nobodygirl2023 · 04/01/2023 04:58

Malariahilaria · 04/01/2023 04:42

This would have driven me bonkers when mine were small. Never mind the dc, I was knackered by 5pm and wouldn't have had any energy for hosting visitors. I used to call 4pm to 7pm 'the witching hours', as DC got over tired and needed winding down. Just tell them no. Who specifically is visiting?

Exactly this. 4-7pm are a riot (sometimes later) and afterwards is only time of day I have to myself (for like an hour before I'm bed myself). It's usually my sister or BIL - but having to start to put my foot down as just feel it throws us off when it's unnecessary.

Glad to hear I'm not only one this drives mad!

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Pearsandclocks · 04/01/2023 05:02

It’s up to you. If you say no visitors they need to respect that. When my 3 were little I preferred no one coming round after 7/7.30 as that’s when they all went to bed and the dogs would go mad barking and getting excited and wake them up. I wasn’t bothered before then really but we never had a big routine just all in the bath around 6.30 and straight into bed.

MrsG15 · 04/01/2023 05:07

I have a no visitors after 5pm weekdays unless me or my husband have spoke and not interfering with my kids as they are 10yrs old 14yrs old and 16yrs old on the odd occasion is fine weekends and school holidays there’s no set routine but because it’s so cold this winter we may allow 1 friend round for tea but got to have asked a week before and I have to have the parents message me they are happy for their child to be at my house just so they know where they are and if they are being feed or not

Pepperama · 04/01/2023 05:07

It’s probably a cultural thing but for me that sounds so weird, to batten down the hatches at 4pm. It’d be quite rude to tell family to only come at weekends, maybe even with a fixed invite time.
But also, for me, the children were a lot easier when they weren’t the focus, if there were others around and they were just part of whatever was going on. My toddler DS used to be a much less fussy eater in company, and playing with others made them tired so that bedtimes were easier. But - you’ve totally got to do what works for your family and if visitors are stressful then just gently tell them what times suit you best

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 04/01/2023 05:28

Perfectly acceptable. I do the same to my friends and family and they're all fine with it

Original poster

nobodygirl2023 · 04/01/2023 05:33

Pepperama · 04/01/2023 05:07

It’s probably a cultural thing but for me that sounds so weird, to batten down the hatches at 4pm. It’d be quite rude to tell family to only come at weekends, maybe even with a fixed invite time.
But also, for me, the children were a lot easier when they weren’t the focus, if there were others around and they were just part of whatever was going on. My toddler DS used to be a much less fussy eater in company, and playing with others made them tired so that bedtimes were easier. But - you’ve totally got to do what works for your family and if visitors are stressful then just gently tell them what times suit you best

Lol I do worry it might come off as a bit weird and/or rude. Suppose that's why I am asking. I do find DD easier when others around as you say, it's more the aftermath when they leave!

I think if folk were already around, I wouldn't be chucking them out at 4pm or anything - it's more just the starting the visit after that time (which inevitably drags on into dinner/bath/bedtime and results in a charged up, overtired toddler).

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GoAgainstNicki · 04/01/2023 05:37

Why would you feel bad about that?

I have a 8 month old and a 20 month old. Since I was pregnant with my second, I wouldn’t have visitors after 4/5pm. So people would be told to come around 1/2 and leave by the time my oldest has dinner.

I don’t have time to be faffing around with people in the evening when I have two kids to settle for their nighttime routine. Nothing wrong with that

NumberTheory · 04/01/2023 05:40

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to do it the way you propose, but I do think you’re potentially loosening tight family bonds and you might regret that in the long run (of course you might put up with it then DSis or BiL have kids and become weeknight reclusive themselves and it’s all for nought).

Assuming you used to like being dropped in on before kids, you might consider if there is there a better way to fold visitors into your routine now you do have kids? Or if you could have an in-to-bedtime routine that doesn’t require 3 hours (which does seem a bit on the longish side)?

RedHelenB · 04/01/2023 05:47

Seems a bit precious to me, 7 pm onwards when it's baby's batting and bed I can understand. I agree with the posters who say not to fall into the trap of centring everything round your baby's routine as you can often make a rod for your own back.

Original poster

nobodygirl2023 · 04/01/2023 05:49

NumberTheory · 04/01/2023 05:40

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to do it the way you propose, but I do think you’re potentially loosening tight family bonds and you might regret that in the long run (of course you might put up with it then DSis or BiL have kids and become weeknight reclusive themselves and it’s all for nought).

Assuming you used to like being dropped in on before kids, you might consider if there is there a better way to fold visitors into your routine now you do have kids? Or if you could have an in-to-bedtime routine that doesn’t require 3 hours (which does seem a bit on the longish side)?

Both of their kids are now teenagers & adults so they're past this stage. Neither bothered much with routine so don't quite get it.

3 hours is long. It's not a full bedtime routine there - it's cooking dinner, sitting down to eat as family, bath, bit of downtime then bedtime routine . Not sure its possible to shorten that without a later bedtime / overtired toddler.

I do get the point about family bonds and don't mind a pop in for a reason but it's the pop in for a cuppa & chat when suits them rather than us that bothers me. I'm personally awake 6am every day and would prefer to pop round theirs for a cuppa at 9am on a Saturday but I know they're in bed and that seems mad to them so I don't. Maybe I should?

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Original poster

nobodygirl2023 · 04/01/2023 05:54

RedHelenB · 04/01/2023 05:47

Seems a bit precious to me, 7 pm onwards when it's baby's batting and bed I can understand. I agree with the posters who say not to fall into the trap of centring everything round your baby's routine as you can often make a rod for your own back.

Yeah I get that - although I'm a stickler for routine as much as the little one (more so?).

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FangedFrisbee · 04/01/2023 05:55

Seems a bit precious to me but you do you. Just appreciate that when you come out of the '4-7 no visitors at all ever' stage your friends/ family may have given up inviting you anywhere

Original poster

nobodygirl2023 · 04/01/2023 06:11

FangedFrisbee · 04/01/2023 05:55

Seems a bit precious to me but you do you. Just appreciate that when you come out of the '4-7 no visitors at all ever' stage your friends/ family may have given up inviting you anywhere

Eeeeek!

I don't want to be that person. But I do feel like I need to maintain my resilience during these toddler years (and this particularly challenging stage she is in with a new sibling on way). I guess in an ideal world there would be more of a balance/flexibility, but I've not found that to work well with my family (ie. My sister will say she will pop in after work but then go get her weekly shop first and it's hours later than I expected - I get that being frustrated at that is on me, however).

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HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 04/01/2023 06:16

Sounds over the top and weird to me, but you do you.

I’d just not bother visiting if it was before 4 or never.

Snoken · 04/01/2023 06:20

Sounds very rigid to me too. I have never had any rules for when people are allowed to visit and I have always had an open house kind of thing with my friends, even when the kids were small. If a friend or two were there around bedtime I would just work around it and leave them alone for a bit to go put the kids down. My kids were always used to me reading a story and then the night light was on and they drifted off to sleep on their own so the bedtime routine never took hours, maybe more like 20-30 minutes.

For me it wouldn’t have felt healthy to block off every single afternoon/evening just to get my kids to bed, I too wanted to have a life. Because it was never made to be such a big deal it also became their normal. Nowadays they say that they loved going to sleep hearing me and my friends chatting away in the kitchen and we all love how close they are to my friends, because they were there too to see them grow up.

NoDairyNoProblem · 04/01/2023 06:21

nobodygirl2023 · 04/01/2023 05:49

Both of their kids are now teenagers & adults so they're past this stage. Neither bothered much with routine so don't quite get it.

3 hours is long. It's not a full bedtime routine there - it's cooking dinner, sitting down to eat as family, bath, bit of downtime then bedtime routine . Not sure its possible to shorten that without a later bedtime / overtired toddler.

I do get the point about family bonds and don't mind a pop in for a reason but it's the pop in for a cuppa & chat when suits them rather than us that bothers me. I'm personally awake 6am every day and would prefer to pop round theirs for a cuppa at 9am on a Saturday but I know they're in bed and that seems mad to them so I don't. Maybe I should?

Show quote history

I do get the point about family bonds and don't mind a pop in for a reason but it's the pop in for a cuppa & chat when suits them rather than us that bothers me. I'm personally awake 6am every day and would prefer to pop round theirs for a cuppa at 9am on a Saturday but I know they're in bed and that seems mad to them so I don't. Maybe I should?

🙄
Theres no need to be like that.

watchfulwishes · 04/01/2023 06:49

It is up to you. I wouldn;t have wanted to do this for two reasons - firstly it would have been quite boring for me, and secondly I didn't want to set up a rigid routine as once you have done that you've set something up that is hard to change. I wanted to have more flexibility for myself.

But you can do as you wish. I don't think it is rude to potential visitors, I just think it is miserable for your own family!

watchfulwishes · 04/01/2023 06:52

I also agree that if you are very rigid like this others will potentially either write you off or reciprocate with rules of their own so be mindful about how you present it.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 04/01/2023 07:00

I would personally find it quite off-putting if a friend said to me that I could never come over in the evenings after 4pm because of their DC - and being brutally honest, I'd probably stop bothering in general as it would feel like they weren't really that interested in maintaining our friendship.

Inertia · 04/01/2023 07:02

I think it’s really rude for people to dictate when they will come to your house without agreeing a mutually suitable time.

It’s fine to ask your sister to come after your child’s bedtime, or wait until the weekend.