To Say No Visitors After Certain Time?

[nobodygirl2023]

I have a toddler and another baby on way. We find that she eats better with an earlier dinner time so we start that whole routine from around 4pm before some chill out time, bath & then bedtime routine (which is taking longer & longer older she gets).

Protecting this late afternoon into early evening time works best for us as a family as we prefer routine.

AIBU to insist on no visitors from 4pm for that reason? Family keep suggesting they will 'pop in after work' etc (not for any specific reasons - just coz suits them better than waiting til a weekend or whatever). Being made to feel I'm being to feel I'm being too rigid & need to explain myself for saying 'No don't come'.

Surely this is a common boundary I shouldn't feel bad about?

Perfect. You have the right attitude not to take offence.💐

I'd do the Saturday 9am suggestion, or if they have to.come then make it a Friday so you can catch up a bit on a Friday. Alternatively, put them to work and they may not suggest it again! Have you tried explaining?

I feel it is a bit precious too, especially considering the main 2 offenders are your sis or bil. I would just try stick to the routine while they are there if you can.

It’s not that you are being unreasonable, it’s just more you sound a little PFB, and it’s like being at home and being a mum is making you forget that the rest of the world isn’t like that, these people are at work before then, they can’t pop over earlier they aren’t doing it to annoy you or to throw your routine out. They are doing it because they want to see you and your family and they want to spend time with you.

Equally I would understand your annoyance if it was every night, however another thing to consider is how it would feel if no-one popped over because they didn’t feel welcome? How isolating that would. I think it is very easy especially with our firsts to become so focused on the things that are important to us, the routines that the reality of the impact of any change gets forgotten about, or blown up. All your routines will get thrown out the window or changed anyway when number two comes along, or will your first child not be able to do any after school activities etc.?

I think relax a little and if people pop over they need to get their hands dirty and join in the bedtime routine.

I'd say no visitors after 7 due to bedtime but otherwise I'd be fine with people coming as long as they understand you are busy so they will have to fit in.

If it doesn't work for you you should absolutely say no, for me I love when my friends (kiddies aunties ) pop round at tea time it breaks the day up and that slog u til bedtime but my DH works away mon to Fri so I'm often lonely

What happens on holidays OP? Or even weekends? Do you ever take them out for dinner or to parties etc?

I lived miles from family when my children were young and would have loved family popping in, I really wished for that.
But, that's just me and it obviously doesn't sit everyone.

Exactly! It's such a huge portion of the day that can't be altered at all. Spending 3-4 hours a night just preparing for bedtime sounds crazy and incredibly boring and quite insular.

I’m very surprised by the responses on here. All of my friends have young children so we are all doing the dinner-bath-bed routine in the evening and nobody would ask to come to anyone else’s house between 5-7pm, let alone drop in unannounced. 4pm is early (all the young kids I know are still at nursery until at least 5pm) but you know your kids best and what works for them. Also everyone I know works, so nobody would be free before 5pm anyway.

ignore those saying “you won’t get many visitors” - family aren’t going to disappear forever over an issue like this!

It seems very rigid to me, do you not do things ever outside the house, do you not have friends over? If you are working it has to be in the evening. Young children are as flexible as you let them be, a 3 hour bedroom routine seems incredibly long too!

Dinner, bath, story and bed took an hour in my house, we ate around 6.15pm. Just be aware that by being rigid you are making a rod for your own back.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to say no to visitors at whatever time suits you - I'm quite an introvert so not a fan of uninvited visitors, unless they are literally dropping something off on doorstep and not expecting to come in, at any time anyway! I've not had the kind of friendship where you call round without checking first since I was a teen I don't think, and despite my sister and parents living close they don't tend to without checking either, and vice versa. With them though, my parents provided regular childcare for the kids when toddlers, so I would have let them come and expected them to fit in and help with routine. If it was someone coming for a coffee and chat, then probably not. Although My mother in law lives further away so usually stays with us, so we'd never have seen her at all if not after 4!

However, I do think 4pm is quite early to be shutting everything down..presumably when the baby is a toddler the eldest will be at school and you'll be making them miss out on extra curricular activities and playdates if you are as strict with dc2s routine. So that's something to think about long term.

Also, is this as strict every day or just a normal weekday thing? I think it's a shame for everyone if you never stay past 4 for a family gathering, special occasion etc - what happened at Christmas? But if you just mean a normal weeknight, then fair enough - that's not a time most people socialise that much really.

I'd hate unannounced visitors in the evenings, I'm with you. My siblings all have young kids themselves and are in the same boat so would never do this. Grandparents all understand too.

4pm is a bit early, and we are flexible sometimes (birthdays etc) but generally no visitors after 6pm.

I would happily 'pop' in and see my son and his girlfriend every night, Lol. But we never go round in the week as they work (no babies) and would never just go round unannounced , we have a great relationship and want to keep it that way.
We tell them to come round whenever they want, but they will always text or phone, respect both ways.

Not unreasonable at all, particularly re the “popping”.

Would you be ok with visitors after 4 sometimes if arranged?

That's a really usual unless you/your children aren't NT. Most people I know with teens (or a young adult as you have, encourage them to bring friends home.

I think it's fine to do a routine that works when they are under four. The people I've known and me find things to do in the evening and that includes visiting, as well as swimming, park etc.

Also if you aren't moving much of an evening make sure that your childcare provider is getting them out a lot.

I have three kids under 6 and I HATE visitors after 5pm, the bedtime routine is always pushed back, they always get riled up and boisterous with visitors and our evening time is bloody precious!

Only you can decide what is best for your family and set the boundaries accordingly. Our 6 and 4yo are in bed with lights out at 7pm and I quite often have friends/family with later routines saying ‘oh come on, just stay out a bit later’ or staying later when they’ve visited in the evening. 99% of the time I stick to our routine because I know it works best for my kids and they are the priority. Other people have worked out what their kids need and follow that, and that’s fine too! Basically, just do what you know is right for your child/family and don’t worry about what people say!

It depends. Personally I find it tough doing the afternoon/ evening routine for a 5yo and a small breastfeeding baby by myself so having someone else around to play, do the reading or homework, hold the baby, start cooking dinner for me, run the bath, sort pyjamas, supervise teeth or read a bedtime story to the older one while I feed the baby is quite useful. So I wouldn't mind visitors between 4-7. But if they're "popping in" to sit on the sofa while I make them hot drinks/dinner, then they can just pop right out again 😂.

Should she do that before 4pm or after?

DD13 needed a 6pm bedtime at your childs age as otherwise she was an absolute monster. We therefore had dinner at 4.30pm, however only the kids ate then. We ate later, around 8pm.

My Mum would pop in after work, or my sister and so I would just continue making dinner etc whilst they were there. Then whilst I took DD up to bed they entertained themselves for a bit till I came back down.

But we didnt do baths every night and stories were quick so the actually act of "putting to bed" took about 20 minutes.

I would say, shutting yourself away of an evening will have repercussions. I was very strict with routine and kids bedtimes but it also meant I wasnt invited out of an evening as friends knew this and my friendships definitely suffered.

But I'll also say that being so strict with routine has meant my kids have never struggled with bedtimes. I've never battled to get kids to bed, or to get them into the night time routine. And being in such a routine helped when Mum or my sister would babysit so DH and I could go out occasionally as the kids knew the routine and never fussed.

I am a strong advocate of a good, solid routine from early on. Started with mine at 10 weeks of age.

Just the definition of parental privilege there aren’t ya!

the kids are gonna be F-ed in the long run if they can’t sleep without a MULTIPLE HOUR ROUTINE.

and as someone else pointed out, don’t be whining later that all your friends/family abandoned you after you had kids. This is you getting rid of them.