To Say No Visitors After Certain Time?

[nobodygirl2023]

I have a toddler and another baby on way. We find that she eats better with an earlier dinner time so we start that whole routine from around 4pm before some chill out time, bath & then bedtime routine (which is taking longer & longer older she gets).

Protecting this late afternoon into early evening time works best for us as a family as we prefer routine.

AIBU to insist on no visitors from 4pm for that reason? Family keep suggesting they will 'pop in after work' etc (not for any specific reasons - just coz suits them better than waiting til a weekend or whatever). Being made to feel I'm being to feel I'm being too rigid & need to explain myself for saying 'No don't come'.

Surely this is a common boundary I shouldn't feel bad about?

Just carry on making tea / feeding when they are there.

I have a no visitors after 5pm weekdays unless me or my husband have spoke and not interfering with my kids as they are 10yrs old 14yrs old and 16yrs old on the odd occasion is fine weekends and school holidays there’s no set routine but because it’s so cold this winter we may allow 1 friend round for tea but got to have asked a week before and I have to have the parents message me they are happy for their child to be at my house just so they know where they are and if they are being feed or not

This can't be true! What do your teenagers think to your 'routine'?

I can't stand people 'just dropping by'. Visiting me is by appointment only and my DD is 17 now. YADNBU. Stick to your guns.

*I do get the point about family bonds and don't mind a pop in for a reason but it's the pop in for a cuppa & chat when suits them rather than us that bothers me. I'm personally awake 6am every day and would prefer to pop round theirs for a cuppa at 9am on a Saturday but I know they're in bed and that seems mad to them so I don't. Maybe I should?

🙄
Theres no need to be like that.*

Like what?? It's a completely fair point. It used to drive me crazy when I had little ones and people popped in to wind them up just as I was trying to get them calmed down for bed. The up at 6 point was true too, a chat at 8am would have suited me far better, why should the OP have to work to everyone else's schedule?

I get what others are saying about rigidity. I never said not to call in, but I didn't let people stop me getting on with whatever I needed to do. Only those with rhino hide (often the case in families) didn't clock that it was a bad time and stop calling themselves.

My in-laws stay about an hour away and I’d way rather they just came at the weekend but every time they say they’re coming it’s during the week at night. They want involved in the bath time and stuff, which in theory is nice but he ends up not getting his teeth brushed etc as they’re so confident they know what they’re doing 🙈 They stay for hours at a time and have tried to give him his bottle before. They insist on passing him about for each person to say goodnight (SIL sometimes comes too) when he’s screaming for his milk 🤦🏼‍♀️ It also means since they’re coming at dinner time you have to arrange something for dinner or get them a takeaway every single time. My parents on the other hand don’t ever come for dinner or bath time but do so much to actually help us day to day, I always feel bad it’s them who get the takeaways etc with us when they’re not actually helping in any way

Wow threads like this sometimes make me realise how different my life is! We have no friends or family within an hour so the concept of anyone dropping in to see us is alien to me but seems to be really normal? I'd absolutely hate not knowing when people are coming and the concept of dropping in.

Anyway, I think it's fine. You do what you can to get through these years in terms of routine. I'd be really taken aback if anyone was offended they couldn't drop in after 4pm. I'm quite amazed people would be upset that they can't unexpectedly just come round at any time.

I have a similar rule. if there are visitors there when it's time to have dinner or at bed time. He won't eat or sleep , he's too excited. I think its rude to visit people at dinner time anyway.

Of course, you can do whatever works for you. If you don't want visitors after 4pm, then you absolutely don't have to have them. Your house, your rules.

Honestly, though, I would find the rigidity quite precious and irritating and I would take it as a signal that you weren't that interested in maintaining relationships. Some people might just stop bothering in the end.

Like what??

The OP thinks her families attitude to when they visit is unacceptable. They then ended that post by saying ‘Maybe I should?’ In regard to doing something her family would find unacceptable too. It’s petty and not remotely conducive to finding a compromise that works for everyone .

I don't think the OP means that they will pop in completely unannounced, it's just that they might say the same day that they will come by after work or similar.

I think that if it became a normal occurence your child wouldn't get so worked up about it and you could just go about your normal life even with an additional person there. At least that's how it worked with my kids.

I think it's fine.

However I'm not sure what 'downtime' is needed between bath and bedtime routine.
Surely bath is part of the bedtime routine?

So bath & teeth, bed, story or 3, lights out.

Seems very rigid to me. If we have visitors over dinner and bed time then I just work around them.

@Snoken yes you're right, my tired brain!

I still wouldn't like it though, I'm much more of a plan in advance with plenty of warning host!

I personally think its weird, and I'm shocked that there's quite a few people saying they do it. I don't know anyone that has done this, and I feel like if someone had done this then everyone i know would find it very precious and potentially write off even bothering to want to visit/invite them to things etc. Only my opinion though of course!

I'd love to do this. Mil knows both little ones got to bed at 730, so she drops in at 7pm, fills the 4 year old full of sugar,gets him all hyped up then buggers off again.
Up until this year she didn't bother with him at all though so maybe it's an improvement.

We don't have a lot of visitors and certainly very few that 'drop in' but generally I don't mind grandparents/my sister staying for dinner/bath/bed as long as they are following our routine and not get DD (10m) overexcited in the bath or distracting her from eating her dinner (my FIL is the big culprit there!). In fact we have a standing arrangement with my sister who comes after school (she is a teacher) so about 4:30-5 once a week: sometimes eats with us, baths DD and settles her to bed. It's known as Auntie night! However when she first started doing it I did have to tell her quite firmly a couple of times not to over excite DD at bath time as then she wouldn't settle.

Tell me you’ve never had a baby and a toddler at the same time without telling me you’ve never had a baby and toddler at the same time.

The comments saying you’re being precious are honestly ridiculous. You’ll have your hands full with not one but two kids. How is it precious to ask people to visit on a day/time that suits your household and not just the visitor? That makes no sense

Hmm, I was one of those who thought this was too rigid and I had two kids within 17 months, lived abroad with a DH who worked 13-14 hour days or was traveling. I still didn't feel like I had to lock myself and kids in from 4pm every day without letting anyone see us. People are just different, some kids cope just fine with having additional people at home without becoming too excited. I prioritised myself too, and I enjoyed having people over so I could have adult conversations too.

I wouldn’t make it as a known rule but I would try to wriggle out of these visits every time. Also 4 pm sounds a bit too much, of course it depends on what time your child goes to sleep but I rather put it like you prefer no visitors when children are eating/bathing.

Absolutely this.

I protected our routine as we suffered when we didn't.

I found the days long and tiring and my children being in bed and settled by 7.30 was the gift to myself that I guarded firmly.

OP, until you have children you don't understand this.

So, tell them no, and mean it.

You can do what works for you but balance this against the importance of seeing family who might not otherwise have time to see you.

I have a toddler so tell people I put him to bed at 7 and if they want to come earlier than that they can but I won't change his bedtime. I don't really like people here when we have dinner ourselves but don't mind giving the DC food while relatives are visiting. No visitors after 4 seems a bit early but you are entitled to do as you please as are others.

And I don't like people coming after DC is in bed because I'm tired and want to relax!

Ok that’s just weird. Your teenagers aren’t allowed to see anyone after 5pm. Okaaaay

How is it precious to ask people to visit on a day/time that suits your household and not just the visitor? That makes no sense

Each to their own - but you can't then get upset that five years later, people aren't bothered about making plans with you.

Yes, plans should suit all parties, but it's incredibly limiting to effectively halt your evening social life for five years 🤷🏻‍♀️