To Say No Visitors After Certain Time?

[nobodygirl2023]

I have a toddler and another baby on way. We find that she eats better with an earlier dinner time so we start that whole routine from around 4pm before some chill out time, bath & then bedtime routine (which is taking longer & longer older she gets).

Protecting this late afternoon into early evening time works best for us as a family as we prefer routine.

AIBU to insist on no visitors from 4pm for that reason? Family keep suggesting they will 'pop in after work' etc (not for any specific reasons - just coz suits them better than waiting til a weekend or whatever). Being made to feel I'm being to feel I'm being too rigid & need to explain myself for saying 'No don't come'.

Surely this is a common boundary I shouldn't feel bad about?

I have 3 adult DC quite close in age. I honestly don’t remember bath/ bedtime being such a big thing . Friends have said that too and most are amazed that their adult DC consider it such an issue with their DC.
When my first DGC was born , DD was obsessed with night time routine and was so stressed . Thankfully she was much more relaxed with the second and things are much calmer.
We all worked before anyone suggests we had more free time .

4pm seems very early!

6pm is about right for me.

YABU - it's what works for you however I do feel it would be unreasonable if you later complained that people don't bother to visit you at other times (that don't work too well from them)
For me there's a difference between visitors and guests. Does your 'protected' time run into the evening too, so could for example your sister or friend call round at 8pm for a casual catch up? Do you make effort to socialise outside of your home example without the children. If someone doesnt have young children themselves they may be reluctant to 'use up' a weekend day/eve and not get quality time with you.
At the end of the day though, do what's right for you.

Maybe when he's older but he's so hard to get to sleep as it is, that I'd rather not have the added complication .
Plus we are up so early that by dinner time I'm wrecked tired, I don't have the energy for entertaining guests and making chit chat.

YANBU you shouldn't even need to explain it . Surely everyone knows that afternoon and evening is a busy time with Young kids for most people. Personally it's not really an issue for us, DS has a late bedtime and I don't do a bedtime routine. But I still know I'm in the minority and I'd never go to my sisters at that time because she's doing dinner bath and bed.

And even if it wasn't, if you say a certain time doesn't work for you then people shouldn't come. You don't just turn up at people's houses at inconvenient times.

This one really stood out to me! Teenagers! And only allowed 1 friend if asked a week before....each to their own but doesn't even seem real to me!!!

Why do you tolerate that? Have you told them to stop their passing round of the baby/stop coming at bedtime? I’d be furious, it wouldn’t happen twice. It must infuriate you!

I meant his kindly but I'd be a little wary of being absolutely militant on routine. My sis fell into this trap and she really regretted it , she says she says no to loads of invitations if it meant nap time might be a little later or earlier and really feels that she hasn't formed the friendship bonds with the other moms she met early on and secondly her child is an absolute nightmare now with regards to her routine. Can't sleep anywhere except their cot, is satan like if nap is ten minutes later than usual. She really wishes that she had tried to be a little less ridgid early on as she feels she has created a rod for her own back.
Shutting down the house at 4 particularly as the weather gets nicer to focus on putting one child to bed strikes me as a little odd to be honest but I fully accept that most of get through the early years however works best for us.

Your house, your decision, though you should be prepared to expect less visitors.

This is very likely to happen. People move on.

Hardly, I do this and it's a non issue, people understand. It's not like it's going to be forever. If people don't want to see you anymore then they probably weren't very close in the first place.

Seems a bit OTT. How often are these visits happening?

@Cherrysoup so glad you share my frustration. When I see a notification on one of these threads I always think it will be someone saying ‘oh, they’re just being nice, let them’ etc 🙄 My husband always seems to go along with it and doesn’t say it needs to be the weekend. If I say anything it’s as if I’m just being awkward but it is a major inconvenience

You need to point out how upset your baby gets and that they can’t just come when they want. Unfortunately a DH problem. 😢

Doesn't happen at all. Most parents of young kids don't socialise much at home in the evening. Anyone comfy enough to just drop round uninvited in the evening is going to wait around (since they're probably family or old friends). Casual friends didn't usually want to come round for bath time anyway.

It's certainly a very British thing to do. I was like this a bit with my first and when we went to visit my foreign family, they thought I was quite mad.

However I see their children as quite ratty at times and put it down to lack of sleep!

I think it doesn't hurt to be routine led but you don't want to be so strict you miss out on wider family life. The children will cope occasionally!

I wouldn't be having anyone popping in and messing up my tea/bed routine.
Tell them no and lock the door.

IMO bedtime routines will soon pass and then all of a sudden, you'll have noone that visits. The odd day out of a routine might be a pain, but sometimes you have to be flexible to maintain relationships.

Bedtime routines will soon pass, so sad if you have friends that can't appreciate that and be flexible too. OP said it isn't for any particular reason that they're coming at that time. I also find it odd wanting to visit someone if they are busy and distracted with dinner time, bath time etc.

Fair enough, but that's you and OP doesn't want to do this, so why should she

4pm is very early, long term you could be shooting yourself in the foot.
My MIL always comes round at 6.45 when she knows DD goes to bed at 7pm. Or will come at 7.15 and knock loudly, meaning the dog barks.

She's since been told not to come after 6pm.

The more difficult for me is that she doesn't leave until 9pm on a week day.

You’re not wrong at all. Just do what works for your family and fuck anyone who has a problem with that.

Things don't stay the same with children, what you are doing with babies isn't the same as toddlers, and changes completely with a 4 -8 year old.

I certainly wouldn't have dreamed of landing in on friends with young children and I wouldn't mourn a friend who couldn't understand that they couldn't do that regularly here.

Thank goodness my considerate family and friends didn't want to be in the midst of the madness of 4 children at dinner-bed time.

Nothing is set in stone.

Because mine went down early and well friends could come later and did.

Far more enjoyable to sit down in peace.

I personally find it strange of only once a week someone pops in I can't see the big deal but we never went in for big routines With the kids , mine went with the flow

I think it’s quite a good idea to suggest going over at 8 or 9am on the weekend, it gives you some balance to the conversation if they get miffed you say no please don’t pop in tonight, it will upset dds bedtime and I’m too tired to deal with that. What- you think that’s precious? But you didn’t want us around at 9am as that didn’t work for you, and you aren’t working around children, so I’d think you understand perfectly.

my in-laws have done family 8am all the grandchildren for an Easter hunt etc, we just have to say we can’t get there before 9. I think they used to hope that since it suited them we’d just make it work, no matter how tired I am 🤷‍♀️