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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: My husband is useless

77 replies

oxymomon · 03/01/2023 21:10

I am at the end of my tether. I love my DH, but he is useless. I do the lions share of the work, and when ever he takes responsibility for something, he'll either (a) procrastinate until I do it for him, or (b) He'll do a half assed effort, and I'll have to do it for him.
I'm so stressed. We both work full time, and contribute to the bills (me a bit more because I earn more). But with me having the responsibility of everything else, I end up having no free time because he's so useless that I have to do his chores as well as mine.
What can I do to get him to grow up and take ownership of a few chores? He is great at watching footie, but not much good at anything else. It's not that he's not intelligent, he is. I think he's just been enabled his whole life. His Mum did everything for him before he met me, and now I do everything for him. And my health is now impacted because I'm so run down and frazzled. How can I get through to him? I can't leave important jobs undone, so that's not a solution. But he knows that if he doesn't do them, I will. So he has no incentive to lift a finger.

OP posts:

Sunnydayz · 03/01/2023 21:12

Tell him how it’s affecting you and resentment will build until it makes you unhappy enough to leave him

Paq · 03/01/2023 21:16

Divorce or accept he'll never change. I'd go for the first option.

Hottoffeesauce · 03/01/2023 21:16

Just stop doing everything. Sit down, make a list of chores, divide up the list and let him get on with it. Yes, he may not do things well at first, forget to do things etc but that is how he'll learn. Stop being his mother and whinging about it.

ShandaLear · 03/01/2023 21:18

Stop doing all the jobs. Just stop it. Don’t feed him or wash his pants or tidy up after him. You’re not his servant. He is telling you that you should be taking care of him because he is a man and you are inferior to him - he’s too important to do his fair share. Sadly, these lazy, entitled, twats are still roaming the earth and likely won’t change. Don’t bother having kids with him. He’ll be useless with them as well.

Heartsofstone · 03/01/2023 21:18

What is he good at ?

Hottoffeesauce · 03/01/2023 21:19

And when he does things half-heartedly or not to your standards, do NOT step in and do it for him. Think of it as helping a toddler learn. Have patience but do not do his jobs for him.

Quitelikeit · 03/01/2023 21:20

Write a list of all the jobs you do. Tell him you are no longer prepared to do them all. Ask him which jobs he is going to take over

do not even think about having a child with him if you can’t handle the chores alone

also suggest if he doesn’t want to do the chores he pays for a cleaner

MrsSkylerWhite · 03/01/2023 21:22

So stop doing everything.

Ttbhappy · 03/01/2023 21:22

I can't believe you work full time and still do all the house work that is very unfair. How do you feel angry, sad? I would feel angry as a partner is meant to support you not make you ill.

Aria2015 · 03/01/2023 21:24

Do you have kids? If no, think twice because if you resent him now, you'll want to bury him in a shallow grave once you have kids...

Resentment is poison in a relationship. You need to get super serious with him and insist on change and if he doesn't, then I think that tells you call you need to know.

FurAndFeathers · 03/01/2023 21:24

What are his chores?

why can’t you leave them?

IHateFlies · 03/01/2023 21:24

Tell him you're leaving him because you never wanted to be his mother, you wanted to be his wife and partner and Having a helpless useless child for a husband is exhausting as well as a complete turnoff.

If that doesn't kick him up the arse then there's no hope.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2023 21:25

I have to do his chores as well as mine.

Nope. You actually don't have to do his at all, you choose to. Like you said, you enable him just like his mother did.

This man will never change, op. Never. He doesn't respect you enough to change. If he gave a single fuck, he would have already. He knows exactly how much you do and how much it wears you down and he just doesn't care.

You've got one life and you don't need him for anything. Stop wasting your life on him.

Sparklesocks · 03/01/2023 21:25

I think you need to speak to him and share how it’s impacting you, then make a list of regular chores and properly divvy them up.
surely there must be some he can’t really half arse because they’re straight forward - like taking bins in/out etc?

SerenaTee · 03/01/2023 21:27

If he has a job then he’s clearly capable of being productive otherwise he’d be sacked. Sounds like he knows you’ll pick up the slack if he does a crap effort so he doesn’t bother. People can only get away with what you let them!

Testina · 03/01/2023 21:28

Stop martyring yourself.
You know damn well that he’s doing jobs half arsed or badly because he wants you to do them.
Yet you say you “love” him. What’s loveable about that?
I doubt much of what you do is so important that it can’t be left.
If you just do the stuff that is important to you and leave his stuff, you won’t be frazzled.

ShandaLear · 03/01/2023 21:28

Has he ever done a half assed job and you’ve said to him, ‘Really? Are you really that thick?’

Testina · 03/01/2023 21:28

@Aquamarine1029 👏🏻

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 03/01/2023 21:28

One of my friends has a partner who had seriously never cooked a meal in his entire adult life. He was well into his forties, and she wanted a life and child with him - but she also wanted him to pull his weight. So she told him to cook, and left him to it. Repeatedly. And wrote me, completely exasperated, when he was cooking omelets with apple bits in because that was the only things he could find in the kitchen. But she still left him to it and ate the damn apple omelet until he learned.

And now they have a DS (2), her partner can cook meals just fine, and does his share of that.

My point is - make him take responsibility, leave him to it, and let him learn from his mistakes. It absolutely is the only way.

gamerchick · 03/01/2023 21:29

He's not useless. It's learned incompetence OP. He learned it at a young age and it's served him well.

My husband tried it once (surprise baby of the family) and I turned over that task to him saying he obviously needed practise. He didn't try that stunt again.

You stop. You start by turning all his own shit over to him. If he turns his own clothes pink / dries them so they smell fusty etc then that's up to him. Tell him he's not a child and you're not his mother. If he isn't willing to adult then he can go home to mummy because shagging someone who wants you to mother him is not sexy.

Testina · 03/01/2023 21:30

“His Mum did everything for him before he met me, and now I do everything for him”

Is he really good at sex?

Why did you ever put yourself in this position?

Just: stop.

No doubt it’s the usual clichés - laundry, cooking… all things that you can just instantly stop 🤷🏻‍♀️

KarmaStar · 03/01/2023 21:31

Go on strike.refuse to do anything.
You will find it hard when the house is a mess but grit your teeth and ignore.
When there's nothing to eat,no clean towels or shirts for him,tough!
Until he pulls his weight and respects you he can go without.

Weatherwax13 · 03/01/2023 21:33

These blokes always seem to manage to do their jobs ok don't they?

Therealjudgejudy · 03/01/2023 21:34

What @IHateFlies said.

Tell him to pull his weight and mean it. This means leaving his lazy arse if he doesn't