Page 2 | AIBU: My husband is useless

oxymomon · 2023-01-03T21:10:23+00:00

I am at the end of my tether. I love my DH, but he is useless. I do the lions share of the work, and when ever he takes responsibility for something, he'll either (a) procrastinate until I do it for him, or (b) He'll do a half assed effort, and I'll have to do it for him. I'm so stressed. We both work full time, and contribute to the bills (me a bit more because I earn more). But with me having the responsibility of everything else, I end up having no free time because he's so useless that I have to do his chores as well as mine. What can I do to get him to grow up and take ownership of a few chores? He is great at watching footie, but not much good at anything else. It's not that he's not intelligent, he is. I think he's just been enabled his whole life. His Mum did everything for him before he met me, and now I do everything for him. And my health is now impacted because I'm so run down and frazzled. How can I get through to him? I can't leave important jobs undone, so that's not a solution. But he knows that if he doesn't do them, I will. So he has no incentive to lift a finger.

Testina · 03/01/2023 21:37

And he’s right 🤷🏻‍♀️
Are you going to stop then?

Original poster

oxymomon · 03/01/2023 21:37

ShandaLear · 03/01/2023 21:28

Has he ever done a half assed job and you’ve said to him, ‘Really? Are you really that thick?’

Yes, but then I feel like a bad person for calling him thick, putting him down, and nagging. I've turned into the nag I never wanted to be!

OP posts:

Original poster

oxymomon · 03/01/2023 21:38

SerenaTee · 03/01/2023 21:27

If he has a job then he’s clearly capable of being productive otherwise he’d be sacked. Sounds like he knows you’ll pick up the slack if he does a crap effort so he doesn’t bother. People can only get away with what you let them!

You're right 🙄

OP posts:

lightand · 03/01/2023 21:39

I went on strike with mine.
He was under no illusion there would be serious repercussions if he didnt buck up.
He has to a certain extent. Doing just enough for me to have calmed down.

Original poster

oxymomon · 03/01/2023 21:40

Paq · 03/01/2023 21:16

Divorce or accept he'll never change. I'd go for the first option.

This seems.extreme. I just need to get him to pull his weight and have more respect for my time!

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 03/01/2023 21:40

I hope you don't have, and don't plan to have children with this useless 'dear' husband.

What's dear about him?

He doesn't care about you.

Let that sink in...

Original poster

oxymomon · 03/01/2023 21:41

lightand · 03/01/2023 21:39

I went on strike with mine.
He was under no illusion there would be serious repercussions if he didnt buck up.
He has to a certain extent. Doing just enough for me to have calmed down.

Nice idea

OP posts:

Eggsley · 03/01/2023 21:41

Tell him that you're at the end of your tether and that he needs to pick up half the work at home. If you do everything for him, he will let you. You might need to accept that not everything will be done exactly the way you want it to be, but it's better than having to do it yourself. Don't supervise him either, he needs to take responsibility.

DH was exactly the same, did absolutely sod all for the best part of 10 years. I resented him so much and couldn't really see any way forward. We made some drastic life changes as he was really unhappy at work, and he became a SAHD. Turns out he's perfectly capable of operating a washing machine, tumble dryer, hoover, dishwasher, duster, oven and iron. He's also perfectly capable of remembering where the children need to be and when, what day is PE day, writing a meal plan and shopping list and doing the weekly shop. We are 5 years in and although things are not perfect, they are a lot better than they used to be.

Your DH can change, whether he is willing to do so to is a different matter. If he's not, then cut your losses and find someone who will behave like an actual grown up.

Original poster

oxymomon · 03/01/2023 21:43

Eggsley · 03/01/2023 21:41

Tell him that you're at the end of your tether and that he needs to pick up half the work at home. If you do everything for him, he will let you. You might need to accept that not everything will be done exactly the way you want it to be, but it's better than having to do it yourself. Don't supervise him either, he needs to take responsibility.

DH was exactly the same, did absolutely sod all for the best part of 10 years. I resented him so much and couldn't really see any way forward. We made some drastic life changes as he was really unhappy at work, and he became a SAHD. Turns out he's perfectly capable of operating a washing machine, tumble dryer, hoover, dishwasher, duster, oven and iron. He's also perfectly capable of remembering where the children need to be and when, what day is PE day, writing a meal plan and shopping list and doing the weekly shop. We are 5 years in and although things are not perfect, they are a lot better than they used to be.

Your DH can change, whether he is willing to do so to is a different matter. If he's not, then cut your losses and find someone who will behave like an actual grown up.

This gives me hope that change is possible. Thank you

OP posts:

Eggsley · 03/01/2023 21:43

@oxymomon you wouldn't need to nag if he did stuff without being asked!

Acheyknees · 03/01/2023 21:43

Stop doing the chores that will affect him.
Make the washing one of his 'chores'. He'll not do it or do it badly, so just wash your clothes.
Give him the ironing as a chore. He'll not do it or do it badly so just iron your clothes.
When he moans about no clean clothes, you moan too 'yes DP, it was your job'.

Testina · 03/01/2023 21:43

oxymomon · 03/01/2023 21:37

Yes, but then I feel like a bad person for calling him thick, putting him down, and nagging. I've turned into the nag I never wanted to be!

Show quote history

Calling it nagging is misogynistic crap.

But you can avoid “nagging” by just expecting him to do things and then leaving him to it.

But as you know he’ll ignore / do a bad job, you need to divide jobs in such a way that you can’t be forced into it. Like if you hate a dirty bathroom and will give in, don’t allocate that to him.

The best thing is to pick the things FOR HIM and leave them TO HIM.
Don’t do his laundry.
If you really can’t fill the machine with your own stuff, then stick it in but then leave his afterwards.
If he won’t cook, split the cooking nights and be prepared for when he hasn’t shopped / is too lazy / deliberately fucks it up to just grab yourself some cereal instead.

What jobs is he shirking?

Personally I’d give him the riot act about not giving a shit about you move into the spare room until he gives you the evidence to make a go of it or leave him.

LlynTegid · 03/01/2023 21:46

Washing and ironing sound a good place to start, as he presumably needs to look presentable at work, assuming he does not work from home 100%.

catandcoffee · 03/01/2023 21:46

As painful as it is you must let him do 'the job' regardless of the length of time it takes.

Whilst he's faffing at 'the job' leave the room,browse MN, do anything but don't fix it for him.

He may never get to your standards but that's how it goes.

Honestly I speak from experience, it takes my husband at least 30 minutes to change the sheets... 😠

Catterpillarwithconverse · 03/01/2023 21:47

When you split the tasks give him the tasks that will effect him most if he doesn't do them.

So if he's a foodie get him to do the cooking and you the washing up as he won't want to just not eat.
He can do his own laundry, you do yours.
If he needs his clothes ironing for work that should be his task.
He can make his own lunches, you do yours. Etc

ShrillBill · 03/01/2023 21:48

Decide now what the consequences will be if he chooses to ignore your ultimatum and carries on treating you like the help.
Then spell it out to him. He's a grown adult and needs to stop treating you like his servant. Its disrespectful and its killing your marriage.

Selok · 03/01/2023 21:49

I could have written your post! Very very similar situation, same husbands😃 I also work from home full time so this doesn't help either as I see everything as faulty and do everything in the house as I can't stand mess! But one thing I did was to be like him- ignorant, called out for him for chores, I didn't move a finger then the house turned into a mad house, so he realised in the end that if I stopped doing the house became a trash house! I told him that if he didn't help me that I would find a cleaner to come every week and he would pay for it! He refused and promised he would help! I still have to remind him to do stuff but he has improved

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/01/2023 21:52

Start off by not picking up the slack with jobs that don't affect you. If he's no clean underwear, it doesn't affect you. If he's no clean shirt, it doesn't affect you etc. don't replace his toothbrush, shower gel, deodorant etc plan meals of your choice rather than asking him. He'll pick up that he needs to do those things and as he starts that, you can then ease off picking up the slack all the time with other jobs.

Sit down and divvy up the chores. If it's his turn to cook and he doesn't, just make your own.
If he doesn't put the bins out - make it clear he'll have to take rubbish to the tip until the binmen are due again.

At the minute, he's no reason to do his share because someone else picks up the slack. He needs to see that there are consequences (sorry, that sounds childish) but even as an adult there are consequences to actions.
He's clearly able because he's staying out of bother at work so he's no excuse, you just need to stop allowing it.

7Worfs · 03/01/2023 21:54

My DH is a bit useless with household management stuff - he needs telling what to do, and also takes his sweet time.

So I’ve given him all tasks outside the house - all driving, shopping, picking up stuff, all ferrying children to activities, going to soft play etc. All nursery drop-offs and pick-ups too.

Whotsit · 03/01/2023 21:54

what chores would you like him to do? Personally I’d sit down with him and together spilt the household responsibilities in half, then not do his half of the tasks at all!

Icanflyhigh · 03/01/2023 21:56

Are you married to my ex?

Seriously, ditch him and find a man who cut the apron strings a long time ago and appreciates you as a wife not a surrogate mother.

Carlycat · 03/01/2023 21:56

A) Stop being a doormat and enabling the lazy twat
B) LTB

Beancounter1 · 03/01/2023 22:02

oxymomon · 03/01/2023 21:40

This seems.extreme. I just need to get him to pull his weight and have more respect for my time!

Show quote history

You could spend the next 5 or 10 years of your life trying to train him and change him, getting ever more frustrated with each year that goes by.
Is that really the life you want?

He won't fundamentally change. He won't every be proactive and engaged with household tasks. He will only ever do just enough to stop you filing for divorce.

He doesn't have respect for you or your time, because he sees the house as your job - in his mind that is the natural order of things.

Charlize43 · 03/01/2023 22:03

Whotsit · 03/01/2023 21:54

what chores would you like him to do? Personally I’d sit down with him and together spilt the household responsibilities in half, then not do his half of the tasks at all!

^ This

Also get his assurance and commitment that he will try and do them to the best of his ability and won't let you down.

dizzydizzydizzy · 03/01/2023 22:03

It's difficult OP and really isn't good. My fear for you is that he sees himself as a step above you, rather than your equal. This is the attitude that is in place with domestic abusers.

This is pretty much how things started with my 'D'P and I recently learned he was an abuser. It crept up on me over many years very gradually.

I would say have a serious talk with him. If he doesn't appear to care, you really need to worry.