AIBU: My husband is useless

[oxymomon]

I am at the end of my tether. I love my DH, but he is useless. I do the lions share of the work, and when ever he takes responsibility for something, he'll either (a) procrastinate until I do it for him, or (b) He'll do a half assed effort, and I'll have to do it for him.
I'm so stressed. We both work full time, and contribute to the bills (me a bit more because I earn more). But with me having the responsibility of everything else, I end up having no free time because he's so useless that I have to do his chores as well as mine.
What can I do to get him to grow up and take ownership of a few chores? He is great at watching footie, but not much good at anything else. It's not that he's not intelligent, he is. I think he's just been enabled his whole life. His Mum did everything for him before he met me, and now I do everything for him. And my health is now impacted because I'm so run down and frazzled. How can I get through to him? I can't leave important jobs undone, so that's not a solution. But he knows that if he doesn't do them, I will. So he has no incentive to lift a finger.

Read the Surrendered Wife.

OP, I have been there and it sucks so badly. I ended my previous relationship because I was earning more, contributing more to bills AND doing more housework / mental load. I looked ahead to my future and I just couldn’t do it to myself. He would have worked me into the ground and I would always been carrying him.

After I ended it he met someone else and married relatively quickly. The marriage lasted 2 years and now they’re divorced. I can well imagine why.

Now I am with a wonderful man. We moved in last year. Today he renewed our car and home insurance without being asked, then printed out the policies, one for my files and one for the car. He did not require any input from me except for me to “OK” the spend before he paid from the joint account. He then entered the emergency breakdown numbers into my phone and sorted the app out on the phone. Then he bleached the loo. Without being asked. This is not a one- off. This is standard.

Same with the Christmas decorations. One day I came home and they were taken down, put away in the loft and pine needles hoovered. He didn’t tell me or discuss or ask questions or half ass it. He saw it needed doing and so he did it well. Because that’s what you do.

It is utter bliss and I love him so much for making my life easier and not harder. I have so much respect for him as a man and as a partner.

Find your rage. He is not “a good man but…”. Good men do not purchase their free time to sit around and watch footy on the basis of your unpaid, unappreciated labour.

Maybe counselling? If that doesn’t work, find someone better.

matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Get him to read this ^^
It might help him to understand why he's putting his marriage at risk.

You dont have to put up with his behaviour, It's a horrible fact to face but he doesn't respect you , his actions are telling you that loud and clear regardless of anything he says verbally.
If he doesn't change ask yourself are you willing to live like this forever?

You married him, so he must have some outstanding qualities - yes? Mine does as well, although he can't sort laundry, will never learn to tell cotton from wool or silk by touch like I can, can't rustle up a meal from anything like I can, and cooks from the freezer, and he works best on anything at all when we do it together as a team.
He is crap at working alone - especially any housework. For me, I have accepted that, because he is a massive plus in my life and also, he can do things I can't do -like cleaning the guttering or making a table.
You can punish, threaten, argue, go on the offensive but often the way that gets results is to just talk it out together calmly and work out how everything is going to get done. For eg, what works for us is we blitz the house together. He enjoys that and we make light work of it. The thing is, if your DH loves you, he will do everything he can to make you happy. Explain to him that it would make you so much happier if you could work this out together. If your DH has been spoiled, you have a long road to turn it around and I would be thinking hard if you are considering having children with him. Remember that reward works better than punishment. Good luck.

@bonzaitree that was the message I needed to see. Tnx

Isn’t it harsh he thinks so little of you he can’t be bothered to help you out around the house 🤷‍♀️

No one is totally useless at everything , they’re just not.
when my dd was pregnant we were chatting and I asked her if she was ready, what she had left to get/ do before the baby came ( was imminent ) . She said all I’ve got left to do is set up the steriliser read the instructions and show Paul * ( her DH) how to use it.
I said , don’t you fucking dare, if you do that he’s always going to default to asking you how to do everything, start as you mean to go on. Tell him the steriliser is his job and ask HIM to set it up and show YOU how to use it. The man has a degree in engineering if he can manage that he can manage to read instructions and work a steriliser.
Op, you have been too efficient , and you’ve fallen into the trap of ‘it’s easier and quicker to do it myself’ and this is the result, learned helplessness.
Plenty of good advice from previous posters, basically push the fucker in and let him sink or swim, just hold the line and ignore the screams and splashing !😁

It’s strategic incompetence. I have someone who works for me who is like this. He is completely useless with IT, won’t use the taxi app, but asks someone in the office to book his taxis. He travels a lot but won’t book flights until the last minute, and will usually get someone else to do it for him, or try to make it my problem. He messaged me at midnight last night, saying he was supposed to be in Warsaw on Thursday but there were no direct flights left - what should he do, as he didn’t want to waste time transiting? I asked him what he thought he should do, and said it didn’t really matter if he went, as one of the more junior staff was going and she was more than capable of standing in for him.

It’s not an attractive trait. Your DH should either shape up or ship out.

sounds like my X ,benny from crossroads/mr been/david fromheartbeart and frank spencer some mothers do ave them all rolled into one,its draining/a simple task messed up everytime.lost it broke it drains you,i feel your pain.

I just read this out loud to my DH. I've asked him to be more like your DP2. Thank you!

You've had lots of advice here about how to talk to your DS and/or how to stop doing all the work. I wonder though whether you feel able to have these confrontations with him? I think you may avoid confrontation and pick up the socks instead ... I used to do that. And it gets you precisely nowhere. I used to think that he was a decent bloke who had been spoiled by his mother. But when push came to shove it turned out he was just a twit, entitled and misogynistic under the thin veneer and any protests I made were greeted with 'why are you getting so upset, there's nothing to get worried about, your complaints have no basis' or silent sulking or similar. Took me years to see it. I hope these responses help you see that his behaviour is not what most would accept as reasonable. He's your partner not your boss. L

“I just read this out loud to my DH. I've asked him to be more like your DP2. Thank you!”

What did he say?

There are other men out there who won't make you feel like you want to murder them in a rage and bury them under the garden shed.

What is so special about this one that you're prepared to put in all the time and effort required to "train" him (like a dog or a child) not to treat you like his personal skivvy?

I'm with @bonzaitree - second time round I hit the jackpot with DH. I look back and wonder why I tolerated exH leaving everything to me for so long. It's lovely having a partner to share the load with and equally lovely sitting down together at night when it's all done and having some free time to spend with each other - and wanting to spend time with him because I'm not fed up of having to mother him every step of his day.

ExH is recently single again, having just sponged off his mother for 18m and finally moving into his new house - with his mother arranging her cleaner to go in once a week to keep him from living in squalor.

God, this drives me so nuts. Just go on strike, don’t do anything in the house, no cooking, no washing, no housework, no sex. How long can you last? Longer than him? I dread to think what my house would look like if I did this. All the small things, quick hoover of the downstairs, washing up, wipe surfaces, add water and beans to the coffee machine, wipe up a spill, recycle the Amazon packaging, put away last of shopping, wrapper in the bin, wipe the toilet, clean the grease off the cooker, put away the dishes, put empty bottles in the recycling, empty the recycling!

I feel your pain, OP, but I think my DH makes up for the lack of housework by doing all the finances, walking the dogs, taking care of car repairs, repairs in the house. What does your DH do?

What jobs do you need him to do? Sit down with him & write a list. If he 'doesnt know how to turn on the washing machine' - show him. Doesn't know what the kids have for lunch - show him. Didn't know you had a hoover - show him. It's easy to throw your hands up & say 'fuck it, I'll do it myself' but he's banking on that. x

I had the conversation that the only people who got away with doing zero work in the home were 1950s husbands and the chairman of ICI. I pointed out that in both cases they paid all the bills and said that they had a choice - pay all the bills (and I'd keep my (larger) salary for myself) or pull their finger out guess which one he chose.....

You have no choice. You are left to educate him. He's an adult and he needs to learn adulting.

When he does a half a job leave it. Ignore it. Don't do it for him. If he forgets to do the shopping, do nothing. Expect him to step up and solve the issue himself.
If he forget to do the laundry, don't fill in the gaps. Do yours if needed. If his goes mouldy that's on him.
Every time he gets it right, match his effort. So he does the laundry, dries it, puts it away. You wholeheartedly make supper and wash up.

You'll need to train him like a toddler. Don't do his adulting for him otherwise this will never change.

Buckle in for a bumpy 2023. By 2024 you'll either be separated or living the dream!

When I returned to work DH took over all the meal planning, food shopping & cooking, then he took over the laundry - my clothes appear washed, dried and folded on my bed.

I recommend he takes over these jobs in their entirety.

Any delicate clothing of yours keep to one side though

I could have written this.

It's now bliss

Could you sit him down and speak to him about how you feel then maybe make a his and hers list? It doesn't have to be the stereotypical female and male jobs but just a list of things you'll both take responsibility for which you've both agreed. It can be reviewed as and when. Sometimes something visual can help.
Agree with pp, you never signed up to be his mum so make your point clear or the resentment will build until its irreparable.
Maybe couples counselling is something worth considering to see if there's anything underlying and also help repair any resentment already there?
Also be careful if your abit of a perfectionist (not saying you are), if you have a standard but his standard is lower its not necessarily that he's purposely not doing something well it may just be that your bar is higher, if that's the case then that's not necessarily his fault.

If you both work full time you should split the tasks. Talk to him and tell him to buck up or you will stop doing certain things. Stop doing the things which affect him most. I sympathise though as my DH is also lazy when it comes to household tasks. He does other stuff though like DIY and if I ask him to do anything he will. He just doesn't seem to do them off his own back which annoys me.

Communicate with him and rationalise your sentiments.

Don't take advice from strangers on the Internet, half of whom are bitter and just say LTB.

Hi I am sorry to say but he will never change, if he can’t see how his actions affect you then he clearly is not really interested in how you feel. Don’t waste your life!

When DC were little, and I worked part time, it all fell to me.
We then swapped and he was SAHD for a time, this is when he understood what was needed to run a house.
We have done a chores list. It sits on the kitchen door and includes DC chores. He does not clean to my satisfaction, but I have learned to let it go.
Maybe try giving him all responsibility for the house for a month or two, so he undertook what is required.