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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband keeps taking my car

122 replies

BlueLiz · 03/01/2023 13:12

My husband decided to buy a two seater sports car a couple of years ago. I bought an estate/family car 4 years ago so we could take the grandchildren out. My husband shares lifts with his colleagues and often takes my car as it has more room and his is awful in bad weather. I work part time and look after our grandchildren a couple of times a week. He feels it’s ok to take my car when he thinks he will, but I’m fed up not having my car.
(I drive his as a last resort but don’t like driving it, and I can’t get a big shop or the grandkids in it, so I tend to avoid it) AIBU to want him not to use my car? He chose the sports car so I think he should use it, it’s not my fault it’s rubbish in the winter and lacks space for his larger colleagues.

OP posts:
Ionnn · 03/01/2023 15:51

You're married. The car is a joint asset. He has as much right to use it as the op, just as much as the op has the right to use the 2 seater.

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 03/01/2023 15:54

MsMarch · 03/01/2023 14:01

I hope this is just him being clueless rather than an entitled dickhead who thinks his need for the car overrules YOUR need for the car.

If he's like my DH, then it might just be thoughtlessness, easily fixed with one conversation.

If he's like BIL, it's because he thinks HIS life is more important.

I hope he's like DH.

Why? What's the real life difference? Both men don't bother themselves with pondering any inconvenience they may cause their wives. Just one is upfront about it the other relies on being infantilised.

TeeBee · 03/01/2023 15:55

Nope, he chose an impractical car. If it doesn't work for him, he needs to replace it for one that does. He doesn't get to take yours because you chose a more practical one. Tough!

Theunamedcat · 03/01/2023 15:55

Tell him your trading the sports car in for a more practical one as you need it for the grandchildren

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 03/01/2023 15:56

Ionnn · 03/01/2023 15:51

You're married. The car is a joint asset. He has as much right to use it as the op, just as much as the op has the right to use the 2 seater.

I am assuming you didn't consider the details OP included?

Just lept straight to "woman, know your place"

Ionnn · 03/01/2023 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

jannier · 03/01/2023 16:01

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/01/2023 13:25

I don't really see the issue, me and my husband swap cars consistently. I drive his Mercedes and he can drive by run around.

We let ago of such single possessive / ownership once we married. What's mine is yours and all that jazz

It's an issue if you can't take the grandkids out so are stuck at home....can't get the shop in or simply from Nd the car he chose difficult to drive.

MangoBiscuit · 03/01/2023 16:01

@Ionnn If the cars are both equal martial assets, where would you stand on the OP selling the sports car and buying one that was more suitable for her needs?

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 03/01/2023 16:02

You deemed primary ownership, use with grandkids etc irrelevant? You deem the lack of communication, the selfishness irrelevant? You deem his choices to have relevance? But not OPs?

My, that's nice of you!

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 03/01/2023 16:02

And yes. My place is right there, as relevant as anyone elses.

Fraine · 03/01/2023 16:03

Ionnn · 03/01/2023 15:51

You're married. The car is a joint asset. He has as much right to use it as the op, just as much as the op has the right to use the 2 seater.

No, when each person has decided they want to buy and use a car, they can’t take the other person’s car without their permission.

SomethingOriginal2 · 03/01/2023 16:06

Tell him that from now on he is not to use your car at all. You need it, you can't use his. If his isn't suitable for his needs then he needs to sell it and buy a new one. Then hide your keys. He's being incredibly selfish.

jannier · 03/01/2023 16:08

Ionnn · 03/01/2023 15:51

You're married. The car is a joint asset. He has as much right to use it as the op, just as much as the op has the right to use the 2 seater.

In which case he can care for his grandchildren and do the joint shopping in n the 5 seater car while his wife pops off to play golf have a spa or meet her mates in the 2 seater run around midlife crisis mobile them pop to a car dealership

Floralnomad · 03/01/2023 16:10

Why would you hide the keys , just tell him it’s not convenient for him to just take the car and he needs to check if you are needing it first . Then I’d suggest that he trade his car in for something more suitable .

pinkyredrose · 03/01/2023 16:15

Have you actually asked him not to? If he respects you he'll listen to you.

mistlethrush · 03/01/2023 16:22

I completely understand why you have an issue... My husband and I both have separate cars. Whilst we can both drive either, our preference is for me to drive mine and him to drive his - unless it's a long journey when mine is generally better. However, he doesn't like having the dog in his to make a mess of the boot (mud and hairs) and he didn't want our son learning to drive in his, despite it being slightly smaller. However, if he wants to borrow mine for some reason, he does ask - and wouldn't take it if it was inconvenient!

Has he even considered that it might be inconvenient for you to only have his sports car that's not suitable for the job you want it to do?

WhenDovesFly · 03/01/2023 16:28

Men and their cars! My DH bought a big £40K Mercedes saloon car with an inheritance but he keeps it in the garage and very rarely drives it because 1) he doesn't want it to get wet/dirty and 2) he's afraid someone will ding the paintwork with their car door. He prefers to drive his work van or nick my little hatchback. Really, what is the point!? I feel for you OP and would also hide the keys so he has to ask first.

Welshmonster · 03/01/2023 16:29

no car should be dangerous to drive in bad weather.

make it clear what days he may ask to borrow car as you aren’t collecting grandkids

send him the shopping list as he has the big car so needs to go food shopping.

Tessasanderson · 03/01/2023 16:29

Use his email and put an application into We buy any car. They are relentless and really annoying with reminders.

After a few days drop into conversation to ask if he has had any emails from WBAC. When he says yes just say "Well if you touch my car one more time your car will not be here when you come home".

I know he is your DH etc but CF would regret it if it were me.

MsMarch · 03/01/2023 16:32

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 03/01/2023 15:54

Why? What's the real life difference? Both men don't bother themselves with pondering any inconvenience they may cause their wives. Just one is upfront about it the other relies on being infantilised.

In Dh's case, not that it's ever happened, but if it did, it would be because he might think to himself, "Oh, MsMarch's car is smaller and the parking at that place is a NIGHTMARE" without thinking, "I wonder if MsMarch also has to go somewhere with horrible parking today." ie a bit thoughtless. It would happen ONCE (at most - as I said, it hasn't actually ever happened) and then it would never happen again.

BIL has been known to take SIL's car and when she points out that she needed it for the school run will shrug and say, "I thought you were walking" and promptly take the car again the next day. But then, BIL is a dickhead of the highest order admittedly.

GracieLouFreeebush · 03/01/2023 16:34

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/01/2023 13:25

I don't really see the issue, me and my husband swap cars consistently. I drive his Mercedes and he can drive by run around.

We let ago of such single possessive / ownership once we married. What's mine is yours and all that jazz

If you scroll up to the green box at the top of the page you will see OP has explained they issues in there.

Hope this helps

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 03/01/2023 16:41

It''s not a waste of police time to report a stolen car.
thats exactly why the police exist.

Do you think the police will seriously consider somebody to be a car thief when they are actually named as a driver on the owner's policy and always bring it back to its normal parking space at the end of the day - the same as if a stranger had just taken it off your drive, intending for you never to have it again?

I agree that, normally, it wouldn't overly matter who used which car within a marriage, but that's based on both cars being suitable for standard family car usage. We have a medium hatchback and a mum-bus MPV, so both are practical for most uses; except if somebody is going somewhere where parking is very tight or needs to transport a wardrobe, one of the cars would be more suitable for the particular purpose.

It's very strange - and selfish - to insist on a particular kind of car with very limited practicality, on the basis that it perfectly fits your requirements, but then also keep insisting (without even asking) on using the other car and depriving your spouse of it, because your choice clearly doesn't fit with your requirements.

Most households where they have a sports/show-off/fun car treat it as an additional 'toy' for when circumstances allow them to enjoy it, and also maintain enough ordinary cars to meet their everyday needs. If you as a household need two practical cars (which you clearly do), then you need to get an additional practical car to add to your current one - if you can still afford/justify your budget to keep a third impractical fun car as well, fine; if not, the fun car has to be sold and replaced with the second practical one that you obviously need.

CockSpadget · 03/01/2023 16:41

BabyOnBoard90 · 03/01/2023 13:25

I don't really see the issue, me and my husband swap cars consistently. I drive his Mercedes and he can drive by run around.

We let ago of such single possessive / ownership once we married. What's mine is yours and all that jazz

Because she needs her own car to be able to have her grandchildren, and she doesn’t like driving it. How can you not see those issues, when she clearly stated them?

Ponderingwindow · 03/01/2023 16:48

Fil does this to mIL. He always buys impractical cars and then just uses her car. She gets stuck at home because where we live the poor weather often means his care is unusable and there is no public transit. She just puts up with it.

use your voice and stand up for yourself. Make it clear he needs your permission to swap cars. When it is time for him to buy a new one, point out that you are getting older and are less inclined to put up with driving an impractical car so you are going to be agreeing to a switch much less often.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 03/01/2023 16:48

Have you actually pointed out to him that you are being massively inconvenienced by this? Hiding the keys seems a bit childish tbh. If you’ve spoken to him and he is disregarding your concerns and your grandchildren in this way, I’d say that the car is the least of your worries tbh.
Be honest with him. Tell him straight out that you need the bigger car, and suggest that you trade the other one in for something more practical for him to drive.
Must admit that I’d be very tempted with the “have a slight accident in his sports car” or leave the seats covered in sticky sweet wrappers, but in the interest in assuming that you don’t actually want a divorce, probably best not to.