For cancelling in-law visit due to cancer diagnosis?

[mellofkintyre]

I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer in November, and the 6-week wait to see how far it had spread was total hell. The survival rate for the type of tumour I have 5 years after diagnosis ranges from 2 in 3 people if the cancer has not spread, compared with 1 in 8 people if it has spread.

My direct family and close friends know what's been going on and have been really great - I told them I didn't want any visitors whilst waiting to find out if it had spread as DH and I were finding it very hard to keep it together for our DC; they understood this and supported me via Zoom every day.

My MIL & FIL however decided that they would come and visit without invitation and booked a hotel without telling us (we live in tiny rural 2-bed cottage with no space for visitors). I find their visits fairly stressful under the best circumstances, and I absolutely couldn't face a visit which would involve me being strong for their benefit when I was totally falling apart. DH knows this, and when he found out their plans the day before, he was more angry than I had ever seen him - it led to a showdown between him and MIL at the beginning of December. They cancelled the hotel and did not visit, but were ungracious about it despite DH explaining that although we appreciated the thought we were struggling to process the diagnosis and finding the wait for scan/staging results incredibly stressful, so it was just not the right time to visit.

Following this episode, I received my staging results (which thankfully were as good as could be expected under the circumstances) and we are much less stressed about the future and my prognosis. I started chemo in December and we've had lots of people to visit over the Christmas including my family, my DH's brother and sister and their respective families, friends, etc. but no in-law visit. MIL says they now don't have the time to visit as they have other commitments and are not sure when they are next free. For context, they are both retired, I am currently obviously not working whilst going through chemo, and they are in good enough health to be able to travel the 100 miles distance to our house.

AIBU in expecting them to understand why we didn't want them to visit whilst waiting for the cancer staging results? They have travelled to spend time this Christmas with other family members so it feels as if they are deliberately cutting us. DH could do with their support, so I am mostly sad on his behalf, plus our DC have not seen them at all over Christmas bar a couple of Zoom calls. It feels very much like they are punishing us for not gratefully accepting an unsolicited visit at a bad time, which whilst I accept came from a good place, they had planned mostly to make themselves feel better without considering what would be helpful for us.

YADDDDNBU.

Absolutely always in these situations I offer whatever support my family/friend/neighbour wants. I offer clear suggestions (visits, taxi service, home made meals delivered, childcare, a sympathetic ear), I might even suggest dates to make it absolutely clear they're not hollow promises. BUT I always always leave it up to the person to accept and decide on when/how any help they want happens. I also make it clear there will be no offence taken if they simply want to be left in peace.

I know someone who recently went through a bereavement and constantly has well meaning people showing up at his house expecting to be invited in for tea. He finds it really stressful as he has stuff to do and really just wants time to himself or with people who chooses to reach out to.

Sometimes apparent acts of good will aren't really about the person going through the hard time but more about the person giving wanting to feel good about themselves. If someone genuinely wanted to help they might feel disapointed if what they're offering isn't useful but they would keep those feelings to themselves.

They didn't respect your boundaries, end of story. You had every right to be annoyed at the situation and now they are attempting some sort of guilt trip / punishment as a way of helping themselves feel better about the situation THEY put you in.

They sound lovely.

Anyone who could be angry with you under these circumstances is a cunt and frankly, not worth bothering with.

So, with the Ring Theory, who goes next after the person at the centre? In my case dh is ill, we have 2 small children. Am I next or would it be his parents? I suspect they would put them selves there, I would place myself there as his carer and the woman raising our children.
(Sorry, I realise I have probably done the wrong thing by not starting a separate thread, navigating this site isn't straightforward for me)

Are you seriously comparing OP’s blanket ban on ALL visitors due to potential devastating, terminal illness news with their petulant behaviour?

Go and enlighten us, what is PIL’s point?

”petulant behaviour” is a pretty big leap from “can’t visit due to prior commitments” is it not?

I dont think it’s “petulant behaviour” to be asked to cancel a mid-Dec visit and then say, sorry but can’t visit over Christmas because of prior commitments and then do several zoom calls instead.

I don’t think the OP is being fair on the ILs. Times for visiting can be genuinely a bad time for either party for different reasons.

Think you need to just leave them to sulk and concentrate on you and your family.
They were making it all about them by ignoring specific requests made to all the family.
If they have the nerve to say anything then DH needs to be blunt and tell them truthfully how badly they behaved.
Good luck with your battle, kick cancers ass!

I suspect OP has more pressing issues to concern her.

Her DH too. He should be able to rely on the support of his parents as and when he needs it, surely?

YANBU but i also think whatever feelings they may have post this angry 'showdown' are valid.

As your FIL said, let your husband sort it with his Mother, if he wishes to do so.

It's up to the person in the middle. That's the whole point of it. You decide.

www.everhomehealthcare.com/post/ring-theory-and-saying-the-right-thing-in-2020

Thanks all for your good wishes, much appreciated. And for those who have shared their own journeys, thank you and I wish you all the best with your respective recoveries.

To clarify, when I say DH was the angriest I have ever seen him, it was "polite through gritted teeth angry" with in-laws and then furious after the call was over. There was no shouting and no screaming, but he made it very, very clear how upset and disappointed he was that they had made the unilateral decision to visit after being told firmly no on several occasions and that he wanted them to cancel the hotel booking and stay at home until the time was right for visiting. They were aware we had asked this for all family members including the rest of his family and my own, and everyone else respected this.

And of course DH hasn't stayed by my side for 6 weeks! Both of us tried during this very difficult period to maintain normalcy for our DC, including work (him, not me), school runs, etc. But this was on our terms and under our control. We didn't have anyone to visit.

We have spoken to the in-laws several times via Zoom since the event and offered an open invitation for them to visit at a time that's right for them now the anxiety of the staging scan is over, but have been told in no uncertain terms they are too busy for the foreseeable future. Which obviously makes me wonder if they were coming down to make themselves feel better rather than to offer genuine help. We have now had the whole family (mine and DH's) over during the last couple of weeks with time spent entertaining the DC, cooking, sitting with me during chemo etc., apart from the in-laws despite the open invitation. I do understand people are busy over the Christmas period but we have made it clear they, like the rest of the family, are now more than welcome to visit and they will still will not give us a date or even discuss any future visit. So, as many people have said, ball is in their court. My main concern (apart from the cancer!) is that there is no breach between DH/DC and the in-laws, as treatment and hopefully recovery is going to be a long road and he and the DC will need their support.

That's a really interesting article @NeedToChangeName . Do you mind if I share it?

I have spent the last year being treated for breast cancer. My SIL, who is not known for her tact or empathy, informed me when she heard I had it that "you could die, you know". She also told me from time to time that I should be careful and look after myself, because people with cancer could die. I was upset at first, but then I saw the funny side and it made me laugh. Oh, and the treatment went well and I'm not going to die - at least not from cancer, I could get run over by a bus I suppose!

@mellofkintyre you are absolutely not BU. I'm glad that it is not as bad as you first thought and I hope that the chemo goes well. Listen to your body, rest when you need to, be more active when you can, look after yourself and absolutely put yourself first. if you get the chance to do one of the Looking Good Feeling Good workshops, do it!! The goody bags are amazing!!

They truly are to be pitied.

You really want to be some narcissistic mess to behave as they are.

Hard to believe actually.

I would step away and lean on everyone else.

Their personality disorder will likely make them more of a hindrance than anything.

What sad ugly people they are.

Your poor husband finding out the truth at a time like this.

Lean on others.

Wishing you the very best.

YOUR heart would be breaking? For goodness sake, what about the person with cancer? How broken do you think their heart is?
I'm very fortunate in that I've had no direct experience with cancer. What I do know however is that you take your lead from the person going through it. Never mind your own upset, you do what that person wants and needs.

When I had cancer and was undergoing brutal chemotherapy my closest friend told me to my face that my diagnosis had encouraged him to seize the day and be thankful he’s not me. People say and do all sorts of crazy shit when someone they know, and maybe even love, gets cancer. I however am just going to wish you well and all good things.

Of course YANBU. My MIL is like this. Empathy bypass. Try not to expend any more energy on these people. All the very best with your treatment.

YOUR heart would be breaking? For goodness sake, what about the person with cancer? How broken do you think their heart is?

Cancer and other life threatening illnesses affect whole families. While the sufferer is of course the most important person in the scenario, it's also devastating for those who love them.
As the wife of someone who was diagnosed at an incurable stage 4, I was glad that there were people who also cared about my welfare and that of our daughters.

As per my post upthread, when your own child is devastated and stressed by their partner's condition any loving parent is going to be upset, or yes, heartbroken for them, too.

@LittleDisaster Earlier, I posted a link to ring theory. You may find it interesting www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

Absolutely, MIL wants to support her son, but OP is the patient, so her need for privacy trumps MIL's need to feel helpful. If MIL feels helpless / on the sidelines, then she can reach out to eg her own friends / wider family for support

@Confusedmeanderings Of course, share away. I think it's really helpful
www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

@mellofkintyre Glad you found it helpful too. Good luck with your treatment

@saraclara Absolutely, it's awful for family and friends of the patient. No one doubts that. The point of ring theory is offering support inwards, and seeking support from people who are more removed. So eg in your very sad situation, you benefited from support from people who cared about you. Perhaps your friends or wider family. But if those people had looked to you for support, that would have been unhelpful / inappropriate. Better for them to seek that support from their own network

Completely agree.

The OPs own parents can understand and be respectful of their understandable need for space, but her inlaws have to make drama out of it.

Awful behaviour.

His parents could have reached out privately to HIM and let him know they were at the end of the phone anytime he needed it.

THAT is what a genuinely caring parent would do, not foist themselves where they are clearly not wanted.

Selfish, self-serving behaviour.

Best to Completely ignore it and lean on others.

This is exactly why I tell my mother nothing about my health.

She would rush to 'support' me which consists of non stop fussing, talking, talking over me, waking me up to ask if I need a nap, and as far as the actual illness goes, it's more important to talk about how it's making HER feel, how SHE is losing sleep with the worry of it all and discuss in detail the similar illness she had 40 years ago that I've heard the saga of a million times. Not once would she actually ask how I feel, or what stage of treatment I was at, or what my doctors think.

And then when you'd finally convince her to fuck off, and get some peace, you start to get the calls and texts from everyone else because she's told literally everyone she can think of about your illness, no matter how personal or private. It's actually nauseating the way you can see how she relishes telling people in order to get attention for herself.

I grimly learned my lesson after my first miscarriage. If i was ever diagnosed with anything serious, she would be the very last to know and the very last person I'd ask for help.

As for your MIL, well, if there was genuine concern there, she wouldn't be snubbing you now and being 'too busy' so honestly, fuck her. She's mad that she didn't bulldoze her way in and get all the salacious details first in order to tell everyone else and therefore centre herself in your situation.

I hope your treatment goes smoothly.

Their reaction is so self-centred and so petty. I hope for your and your DH's sake they get over themselves and start behaving.
If they don't then I'm not sure how much help they will actually be and as others have said, it might be better to set your sights on people who will actually be supportive.
Although their reaction has been very disappointing, It might be better to lower your expectations of them and think of them very neutrally and only offer info/interactions that they can "cope" with. I do understand your disappointment though.

Hopefully, this current scenario, whilst irksome, is just that they needed time to come to terms with what is actually going on.
Wishing you and your family all the best with your treatment.

Once we had the results, we let everyone know we'd really like to see them, and everyone has been to visit apart from MIL and FIL

I think you’re a better person than me… if I was in your position and MIL was being such a spoilt brat about being asked to respect my wishes during such an awful time, I would invite her one final time with a polite
‘We are wondering when you’re coming down to see us, we’d really like your support and you’re the only people who haven’t been’…….
If she refused to come again I’d be cutting all contact … you don’t need to be wasting your energy on people that can’t be arsed to support you and put their hurt feelings above their own sons needs!!!