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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For cancelling in-law visit due to cancer diagnosis?

130 replies

mellofkintyre · 03/01/2023 09:03

I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer in November, and the 6-week wait to see how far it had spread was total hell. The survival rate for the type of tumour I have 5 years after diagnosis ranges from 2 in 3 people if the cancer has not spread, compared with 1 in 8 people if it has spread.

My direct family and close friends know what's been going on and have been really great - I told them I didn't want any visitors whilst waiting to find out if it had spread as DH and I were finding it very hard to keep it together for our DC; they understood this and supported me via Zoom every day.

My MIL & FIL however decided that they would come and visit without invitation and booked a hotel without telling us (we live in tiny rural 2-bed cottage with no space for visitors). I find their visits fairly stressful under the best circumstances, and I absolutely couldn't face a visit which would involve me being strong for their benefit when I was totally falling apart. DH knows this, and when he found out their plans the day before, he was more angry than I had ever seen him - it led to a showdown between him and MIL at the beginning of December. They cancelled the hotel and did not visit, but were ungracious about it despite DH explaining that although we appreciated the thought we were struggling to process the diagnosis and finding the wait for scan/staging results incredibly stressful, so it was just not the right time to visit.

Following this episode, I received my staging results (which thankfully were as good as could be expected under the circumstances) and we are much less stressed about the future and my prognosis. I started chemo in December and we've had lots of people to visit over the Christmas including my family, my DH's brother and sister and their respective families, friends, etc. but no in-law visit. MIL says they now don't have the time to visit as they have other commitments and are not sure when they are next free. For context, they are both retired, I am currently obviously not working whilst going through chemo, and they are in good enough health to be able to travel the 100 miles distance to our house.

AIBU in expecting them to understand why we didn't want them to visit whilst waiting for the cancer staging results? They have travelled to spend time this Christmas with other family members so it feels as if they are deliberately cutting us. DH could do with their support, so I am mostly sad on his behalf, plus our DC have not seen them at all over Christmas bar a couple of Zoom calls. It feels very much like they are punishing us for not gratefully accepting an unsolicited visit at a bad time, which whilst I accept came from a good place, they had planned mostly to make themselves feel better without considering what would be helpful for us.

OP posts:
gingercat02 · 03/01/2023 11:54

Fuck them @mmellofkintyre
Glad you have had reasonably good news. They will get over it (or not) but that's not your biggest fight at the moment. Best wishes for your onward journey.

diddl · 03/01/2023 11:59

I don't really understand why it was such a big deal that they couldn't have stayed in a hotel and DH visited them, just so they could see their son.

You don't have to understand it though & accept that sometimes people don't want to see you even though you want to see them.

Rhondaa · 03/01/2023 12:00

'I don't really understand why it was such a big deal that they couldn't have stayed in a hotel and DH visited them, just so they could see their son. Surely OP and DH didn't stay in alone "waiting" for 6 weeks?'

Yes they obviously wanted to offer support, your dh being angry was no doubt projection but it all sounds very unkind. These are his parents not some nosey neighbours. I'd imagine the backstory that you don't see much of them and find visits stressful generally is relevant obviously.

They wanted to help. That is not a bad thing. Of course they will now give you a wide berth after the 'showdown'.

Best of luck with chemo Flowers.

AuntieStella · 03/01/2023 12:02

It's probably just the case that right now they have plans for January or plans pending and don't know when they'll be free to visit. It's clear you don't see it that way, but you don't actually know, do you? And it might be better for your peace of mind right now not to dwell on the nasty possibilities which might not even be true.

Just leave it to your DH to sort out

But do make sure you're clear to him about when you are up to visitors.

You're on a long (and unfortunately rather uncertain) path and not having everyone visit at once might prove a good thing in the long run.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 03/01/2023 12:03

Luckyducker · 03/01/2023 10:51

I wouldn't bother coming to visit again. Your DH was angrier than you had ever seen him? It doesn't sound like you or your DH were kind to your in-laws who came to offer support. You made it plain you didn't want their support. Why would they come for a visit?

Surely, gone you know how angry her DH was, you have read the rest of OPs post? Why do this?

@mellofkintyre all you can do is be kind to yourself and your DH. If ILs won't see sense, maybe just act like nothing happened, then that is their loss, their look out.

Don't fret about them. Evict them from your headspace!

WoolyMammoth55 · 03/01/2023 12:05

Luckyducker · 03/01/2023 10:51

I wouldn't bother coming to visit again. Your DH was angrier than you had ever seen him? It doesn't sound like you or your DH were kind to your in-laws who came to offer support. You made it plain you didn't want their support. Why would they come for a visit?

This one has been answered already - but to repear:

OP's needs space as the patient suffering the shock of a life-changing diagnosis. OP communicates this need for time and space clearly. MIL ignores this in favour of her own need to be seen as involved and validated as the centre of attention.

MIL is utterly in the wrong and can sulk as long as she needs to, hurting only her son in the process.

Respectfully @Luckyducker, jog on.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 03/01/2023 12:06

I don't really understand why it was such a big deal that they couldn't have stayed in a hotel and DH visited them, just so they could see their son. Surely OP and DH didn't stay in alone "waiting" for 6 weeks? I don't know why the reaction was so extreme. Having your own issues doesn't mean you have to be blind to the feelings of everyone who cares about you (and yes I have been there)

Unbelievable!

FictionalCharacter · 03/01/2023 12:08

Luckyducker · 03/01/2023 10:51

I wouldn't bother coming to visit again. Your DH was angrier than you had ever seen him? It doesn't sound like you or your DH were kind to your in-laws who came to offer support. You made it plain you didn't want their support. Why would they come for a visit?

Where did you get the idea that they were coming to offer support?

FictionalCharacter · 03/01/2023 12:09

Shame on them for sulking when you’re going through this. I hope MIL reflects and realises that her DILs serious illness is not in fact all about her. If she’s capable of that.
Good luck with the treatment @mellofkintyre

Aurorabored · 03/01/2023 12:15

They were aware that the OP and her DH didn’t want visitors. They planned a visit anyway. When the DH found out, the day before, he asked them to cancel and they were arsey about it.

’despite DH explaining that although we appreciated the thought we were struggling to process the diagnosis and finding the wait for scan/staging results incredibly stressful, so it was just not the right time to visit.’

It was a blanket ban on visitors, so the ILs weren’t being treated differently to the OP’s family.

With zoom, email, phone calls, WhatsApp, texts and the postal service, it’s not like they needed to doorstep their son to offer emotional support.

Aurorabored · 03/01/2023 12:17

Hope and best wishes for you this year OP Flowers

2Rebecca · 03/01/2023 12:18

Another vote for "ignore them". If they don't have time to visit their son and his wife despite being retired then that's their choice. It's more upsetting for your husband than you as most parents primarily visit because they want to see their child.
They have an invite. leave them to it.

LuluBlakey1 · 03/01/2023 12:22

Just let them get on with it. Focus on you and your DH and DC. Don't waste energy on your PIL. I hope your treatment goes well and you have the best results.

rookiemere · 03/01/2023 12:25

I'm bemused by this idea that the DH needs supporting, when it's the DIL that's the one waiting for the diagnosis.

I do hope if I become a MiL in the future, I have the sensitivity to realise that it's not all about me.

Anyone normal - regardless of relationship- would just do their best to provide whatever support the family wanted whilst waiting for the diagnosis.

MrsPnut · 03/01/2023 12:28

I'm pleased your staging was better than expected, cancer is such a shitty journey that any small glimmer is very welcome.

I was diagnosed with 2 primary cancers, at the end of 2020. I remember the dread whilst I was having scans to see if they were linked. I also recognise those people who just came by or got in contact so they could rubber neck.
If I had a pound for every person who gave a head tilt and said "You don't look ill", I'd be able to probably go on holiday.

No-one who has cancer is selfish, you could shut yourself in your room lounging in bed for the duration and it would be justified.
Be kind to yourself, and there is a lovely cancer support thread on here if you want a hand hold whilst you have scanxiety.

TidyDancer · 03/01/2023 12:30

I think the key thing here is perhaps how your DH spoke to them.

YANBU on the no visitors rule and of course this should be respected. It's just that you've described your DH as more angry than you've ever seen him and that they had a showdown. It doesn't sound like a particularly nice conversation and I can imagine there are some hurt feelings there.

Should they be trying to move past it and accept no hurt was intended (particularly given the circumstances)? Of course. But I think it's understandable that they have put some distance in both for you and them.

I think if I was you I would back away from this situation entirely and let your DH sort this out directly and over time with his parents. Sometimes it does just need time.

Wishing you the best with your treatment.

LittleDisaster · 03/01/2023 12:32

rookiemere · 03/01/2023 12:25

I'm bemused by this idea that the DH needs supporting, when it's the DIL that's the one waiting for the diagnosis.

I do hope if I become a MiL in the future, I have the sensitivity to realise that it's not all about me.

Anyone normal - regardless of relationship- would just do their best to provide whatever support the family wanted whilst waiting for the diagnosis.

You've obviously never had a spouse receive a life threatening diagnosis then. You're the one who's supposed to carry on without support, to shoulder every burden (as your bemusement so aptly demonstrates)whilst facing the end of life as you know it and being desperate for someone you love and share parenthood with (so you're desperately worried for your children too).

purpledalmation · 03/01/2023 12:34

They are being arseholes, and entitled ones at that. Ignore. Their loss.

LittleDisaster · 03/01/2023 12:35

LittleDisaster · 03/01/2023 12:32

You've obviously never had a spouse receive a life threatening diagnosis then. You're the one who's supposed to carry on without support, to shoulder every burden (as your bemusement so aptly demonstrates)whilst facing the end of life as you know it and being desperate for someone you love and share parenthood with (so you're desperately worried for your children too).

Show quote history

Having the support of "my" people as opposed to those who, quite rightly, put DH first all the time, is the only way I got through it. If you want to tell me I'm selfish, go ahead, but maybe wait until you've lived it - which I really do hope never happens to you.

butterfliedtwo · 03/01/2023 12:36

MelchiorsMistress · 03/01/2023 09:32

YANBU at all, but I can imagine they thought they thought they were doing a nice thing to try and be supportive and were very hurt when they were told they were more of a hindrance.

Obviously your feelings are more important here, but that doesn’t mean that theirs don’t exist and in the interests of moving forward it would probably be worth acknowledging that.

Yeah, I imagine it is this.

Nosecamera · 03/01/2023 12:41

YABU for expecting them to understand, you can't make people understand and support if it's not in their nature. I have had a similar experience with my ils, they obviously know what do has been ill with over the last 8 1/2 years, but will they pull their heads from their arses and extend some care and support, for us and their dgc and stop thinkingonly of themselves? Will they fuck.

Diverseopinions · 03/01/2023 12:41

Slimjimtobe · 03/01/2023 09:08

They are being really mean here.
I am so glad your husband dealt with them and you have your own family to support you.
try to ignore them - they totally overstepped and tried to intrude when you needed a bit of respect.

Exactly. Agree.

Rhondaa · 03/01/2023 12:45

'I think the key thing here is perhaps how your DH spoke to them.'

Yes for him to be the angriest you have ever seen him suggests they would have been very shocked and probably upset. Just get him to ring them, say sorry for his anger but it was obviously a very stressful time and see if they fancy calling in a few weeks.

Motelschmotel · 03/01/2023 12:49

They’re pouting. Very unbecoming in people old enough to be grandparents. It would totally alter my opinion of them.

Good luck with your treatment.

rookiemere · 03/01/2023 12:52

I'm sorry, my post was badly worded and I didn't mean to imply that the partners of those with illnesses didn't need support.

What I was trying to say is that on learning that someone close to you may have a serious illness, it seems odd that literally your first thought would be how to support your own DC.