For cancelling in-law visit due to cancer diagnosis?

[mellofkintyre]

I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer in November, and the 6-week wait to see how far it had spread was total hell. The survival rate for the type of tumour I have 5 years after diagnosis ranges from 2 in 3 people if the cancer has not spread, compared with 1 in 8 people if it has spread.

My direct family and close friends know what's been going on and have been really great - I told them I didn't want any visitors whilst waiting to find out if it had spread as DH and I were finding it very hard to keep it together for our DC; they understood this and supported me via Zoom every day.

My MIL & FIL however decided that they would come and visit without invitation and booked a hotel without telling us (we live in tiny rural 2-bed cottage with no space for visitors). I find their visits fairly stressful under the best circumstances, and I absolutely couldn't face a visit which would involve me being strong for their benefit when I was totally falling apart. DH knows this, and when he found out their plans the day before, he was more angry than I had ever seen him - it led to a showdown between him and MIL at the beginning of December. They cancelled the hotel and did not visit, but were ungracious about it despite DH explaining that although we appreciated the thought we were struggling to process the diagnosis and finding the wait for scan/staging results incredibly stressful, so it was just not the right time to visit.

Following this episode, I received my staging results (which thankfully were as good as could be expected under the circumstances) and we are much less stressed about the future and my prognosis. I started chemo in December and we've had lots of people to visit over the Christmas including my family, my DH's brother and sister and their respective families, friends, etc. but no in-law visit. MIL says they now don't have the time to visit as they have other commitments and are not sure when they are next free. For context, they are both retired, I am currently obviously not working whilst going through chemo, and they are in good enough health to be able to travel the 100 miles distance to our house.

AIBU in expecting them to understand why we didn't want them to visit whilst waiting for the cancer staging results? They have travelled to spend time this Christmas with other family members so it feels as if they are deliberately cutting us. DH could do with their support, so I am mostly sad on his behalf, plus our DC have not seen them at all over Christmas bar a couple of Zoom calls. It feels very much like they are punishing us for not gratefully accepting an unsolicited visit at a bad time, which whilst I accept came from a good place, they had planned mostly to make themselves feel better without considering what would be helpful for us.

We need to remember that OPs DH was the one who chose to respond to his mother as he did. That he also wanted no visitors.

What we, as individuals out here want, have needed, is of no consequence to OP or her DH. We alll need to stop projecting our own wants/needs upon her, her situation.

They very clearly stated their wishes and his parents chose to ignore them. That is the top and bottom of OPs situation. I can't imagine why OP or her DH should accept that!

I'm so sorry for what you've been through @LittleDisaster but the OP's husband didn't desperately want to see his parents at that point. He and the OP decided together how they were going to deal with the hideous wait.

I'd imagine he'd really appreciate their support now though so the fact they're behaving so childishly and spitefully must be very upsetting.

They very clearly stated their wishes and his parents chose to ignore them. That is the top and bottom of OPs situation. I can't imagine why OP or her DH should accept that!

Exactly this. If your adult child (or anyone!) says to you 'we are having a hard time right now because of X, we don't want any visitors for a while until we are ready', who in their right mind then goes and books a hotel to do a surprise visit?! I'd have torn a strip off my own parents in that scenario, it's them presuming that they know better than you do what you want/need, even though you have specifically told them otherwise. Or presuming they are so special and their company is so valued that the 'no visits' doesn't really apply to them, only lesser mortals. Totally selfish and really bloody insensitive.

While I agree that the in-laws sulking is not helpful, can I just offer s perspective that I wouldn't have understood myself until I experienced it?

A couple of weeks ago my son in law was admitted to hospital as an emergency and in a very dangerous condition. We still don't know what his future holds.
I only live half an hour away from my daughter, but I felt so anxious and so helpless. I know that they were both desperately worried, and she was by his bedside for most of four days, with normal visiting hours not applying.

I was desperate to see her and hug her, but I knew I shouldn't pester for information or to see her and him. But it was a special kind of agony. The kind of primal maternal thing that no-one understands until they feel it. And how his own mum felt (much further away) I can't imagine. On the fourth day my dd came home and called to see if I'd come round, and I've never got in the car so fast.

If I lived hours away, I can quite imagine booking a hotel, just to be near if I was needed (but still not pestering to actually see them) and if I'd done so and my daughter got the angriest with me that she'd ever been, I'd be distraught.

Again, they're not dealing with the rejection well, but having recently experienced this, I thought it worth sharing.

All the very best with your treatment.

YANBU at all. I can’t imagine the stress you must have been under, just getting up in the morning must have been tough. They wanted it to be about them not you.

The same type of thing happened when my MIL was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Straight after the diagnosis she told people that she and my FIL really needed some time alone and would let people know when they wanted them to come round. She couldn’t have been any clearer but straightaway my 2 BILs and SIL tore round there weeping and wailing. My DH was the only one who gave her space. Some people make themselves the centre of attention whatever’s going on.

Good luck with your treatment.

'They’re pouting. Very unbecoming in people old enough to be grandparents. It would totally alter my opinion of them.'

Maybe they're just hurt. They shouldn't have booked a hotel and invited themselves but their son shouldn't have got the angriest he has ever been and had a 'showdown'.

Faults on both sides, time for everyone to grow up apologise and move on.

But you were straight round there the moment you were asked to visit @saraclara. The ILs haven't visited at all since the OP and her husband have been seeing people and are still not saying when they'll be able to fit them in.

If they had been really worried or wanted to support them, they would have been round in December but they haven't.

This isn't coming from a place of anxiety or worry or wanting to support. It's sulking

Op and her husband have nothing to apologise for. They made their wishes clear and this was disrespected. After such devastating news sometimes people just want to be left alone, it can be hard to face anyone, a symptom of ptsd. Good luck with your treatment and recovery op. 💐

He was the angriest the op had seem him and had a 'showdown'. He should say sorry. I'd imagine most of us have had scary health news at some point but we don't go getting angry with those who have the best intentions. Well we might, but then you apologise.

I’m afraid I can’t agree with this.

They probably are hurt. But they only have themselves to blame. Their son’s anger was at their overriding his stated wishes, at putting themselves first. Most importantly, they deliberately and selfishly missed the point in favour of indulging their own emotions.

The point was a couple with young children facing the worst, with an agonising 6 week period of time of having to consider all scenarios. That is, by far, the most important and serious issue.

Other people’s reactions (bearing in mind these are the spouse’s parents, and not the patient’s own child) are secondary or tertiary considerations at that point. Everyone can imagine the possible role grandparents might have to play in such situations at various points.

They are old enough to know better. Cancer affects 1 in 3 people in the Western world. It’s a miracle if you get to be grandparents with no experience of cancer in your family or social circle. To deliberately go against (not just forget, not do something that could be construed as tangentially okay - they actually did the very thing their son and DIL asked them not to do for a few weeks) is totally disrespectful of the issue at the core of this situation. It’s not about them.

And now, when they can do whatever they wanted to do at the end of last year, they’re pouting and refusing to. It’s puerile in the extreme. They are clearly able to zoom and telephone. Why couldn’t they do that during that initial 6 week period?

Just no. There’s a time and a place, and they deliberately chose the wrong ones when asked not to.

Absolutely!

Yeah that’s how my family were. It’s all about them and how they look rather than actual helping.

I think your pil were ill advised but probably we'll meaning, at least in their own minds. I think they are being childish now. If you want it to change then possibly the best person to talk to them is your dh's brother.

I think this would be the end for me. They tried to make your illness about them and are now tantrumming like children. I wouldn’t have them in my home again.

I wish you a full and speedy recovery, OP

You're all taking the view the ILs can't possibly have a point, as is usual with MN, but having lived this, I'd be doing everything possible to help DH repair this relationship with his parents, not push them further away. He's going to need them.

So visiting when they want can be a bad time for you, but visiting when you want can’t be a bad time for them? Not sure you are being fair to them OP.

You would not believe some of the comments that have already been made to me by well-meaning friends and family, but maybe that's another thread.... :)

Oh yes I would 😏

All the best with your treatment OP!

It doesn't matter whether the ILs have a point. The only thing OP needs to do as someone with cancer is rest, turn up for treatment and rest some more.

It is up to her DH how he wants to deal with his parents.

Their “visit”, although unwanted, most likely came from a good place. They may well have been very concerned about you both. Their sons response sounds a bit harsh. He could have visited with them to show he was ok but didn’t need their support.
Now you’ve made it clear you don’t want it, they’re backing off.

They were falling apart and the In-Laws were making it about themselves. They wouldn't have been any help at all and weren't listening.

Clearly they're not the only ones like that

Yes. He could have left his sick, devastated wife who he wanted to be with (and his children) to go an pander to people who clearly don't know how to listen

Why?

OK, if you really think he never left her side for 6 weeks.

Glad to hear the results were encouraging. I've had cancer myself and know very well that the worst part by far is the early test and scan stage.
I also know thatsome friends let you down and others shine.
This is a tricky one. You say your DH was very angry, they were probably shocked at that in spite of being in the wrong. I assume you don't want a permanent rift between DH and his parents but perhaps everyone needs a bit more time to forget the row.
I agree with a PP. Tell her you'd love to see them now you know where you stand but you aren't up to travelling. If they want to book the same hotel and visit for a couple of days you'd love to see them.
The ball is really then in their court.

OP and her DH have absolutely nothing to apologise for. The ILs really don’t sound very nice, charge round when they’ve been asked not so then sulk and don’t come when they can. I don’t think they have any interest in being supportive. People say it’s when big events happen you discover who’s truly got your back and unfortunately it’s not them.