For cancelling in-law visit due to cancer diagnosis?

[mellofkintyre]

I was diagnosed with aggressive cancer in November, and the 6-week wait to see how far it had spread was total hell. The survival rate for the type of tumour I have 5 years after diagnosis ranges from 2 in 3 people if the cancer has not spread, compared with 1 in 8 people if it has spread.

My direct family and close friends know what's been going on and have been really great - I told them I didn't want any visitors whilst waiting to find out if it had spread as DH and I were finding it very hard to keep it together for our DC; they understood this and supported me via Zoom every day.

My MIL & FIL however decided that they would come and visit without invitation and booked a hotel without telling us (we live in tiny rural 2-bed cottage with no space for visitors). I find their visits fairly stressful under the best circumstances, and I absolutely couldn't face a visit which would involve me being strong for their benefit when I was totally falling apart. DH knows this, and when he found out their plans the day before, he was more angry than I had ever seen him - it led to a showdown between him and MIL at the beginning of December. They cancelled the hotel and did not visit, but were ungracious about it despite DH explaining that although we appreciated the thought we were struggling to process the diagnosis and finding the wait for scan/staging results incredibly stressful, so it was just not the right time to visit.

Following this episode, I received my staging results (which thankfully were as good as could be expected under the circumstances) and we are much less stressed about the future and my prognosis. I started chemo in December and we've had lots of people to visit over the Christmas including my family, my DH's brother and sister and their respective families, friends, etc. but no in-law visit. MIL says they now don't have the time to visit as they have other commitments and are not sure when they are next free. For context, they are both retired, I am currently obviously not working whilst going through chemo, and they are in good enough health to be able to travel the 100 miles distance to our house.

AIBU in expecting them to understand why we didn't want them to visit whilst waiting for the cancer staging results? They have travelled to spend time this Christmas with other family members so it feels as if they are deliberately cutting us. DH could do with their support, so I am mostly sad on his behalf, plus our DC have not seen them at all over Christmas bar a couple of Zoom calls. It feels very much like they are punishing us for not gratefully accepting an unsolicited visit at a bad time, which whilst I accept came from a good place, they had planned mostly to make themselves feel better without considering what would be helpful for us.

They're singing the song "it's all about meeee!!"

Leave them to it

Thanks all. I thought I was being reasonable but DH's brother visited over new year and talked it through with DH and told him he could sympathise with the in-laws so I though it would be useful to get a sense check!

The article on Ring Theory is brilliant @NeedToChangeName, thanks so much for sharing. You would not believe some of the comments that have already been made to me by well-meaning friends and family, but maybe that's another thread.... :)

In response to the questions, my relationship with the in-laws has been good, but we are not super close. There are family members geographically more close to them who they see every week: we see them 3 or 4 times a year but we get along well and have regular Zoom catch ups for the kids.

@Anotheryearsameshitshow Your comment about being able to tell people they had to rush to see us pretty much nails it: MIL is very much the life and soul of the party and therefore used to being the centre of attention, and if I am being uncharitable I would say her rushing to my bedside feeds in immediately to her dramatic narrative. That's not to say she doesn't care about me, but she would definitely be happy playing a star role in my story, whether it suits me or not.

To be clear, we had a blanket ban on all visitors whilst waiting for the staging results, including my own family. We just didn't feel up to dealing with anyone and this was widely understood and respected by everyone (including SIL and BIL) apart from MIL and FIL. Once we had the results, we let everyone know we'd really like to see them, and everyone has been to visit apart from MIL and FIL. DH has discussed this with FIL and been told to talk it over with his mother.

And yes, I am very fortunate to have my DH - I could not be doing this without him!

You did nothing wrong

Good luck to you with your treatment

DH's brother visited over new year and talked it through with DH and told him he could sympathise with the in-laws

I think it's possible to sympathise with the ILs in so far as being shouted at by their son & told not to visit.

They may have told it as them rushing to help/be there for their son of course.

Not seeing you at all -well I'd take it as a bonus but can see that it would hurt your husband.

Don't waste your energy worrying about this - let them fret about it all and visit when they've cooled off. Just act like nothing has happened with them, I expect they feel a mix of hurt and embarrassment but it's all on them.

YANBU but the cancer diagnosis is a red herring here. Anyone can and should be able to decline visitors for any reason, and that should be respected without a hissy fit.

I hope your treatment is going well

Good to hear your results are so hopeful. I think people just react differently to news like that. They may well have wanted to ‘do something’ to help and reacted as if it was an emergency and have misjudged how helpful they would be in practice.

When my DC had cancer as a child (now fine), so many friends and family wanted to help. It was all well-meaning and came from a good place, but some put their need to help help above the realities of what was helpful. We didn’t need lots of people, for eg, to cook us meals once one or two people had filled the freezer. I needed some childcare for my older child, which was gratefully received, but not everyone could help. I didn’t want to somehow find everyone who wanted to help a way to be helpful when I was in hospital with my child and then on endless hospital visits.

Your PIL will get over it. Maybe your DH can find them a role longer term in which they can be helpful, though, since they do seem to want to be. You might have lots of people asking for updates on how you are - maybe they can answer those questions from your husband’s side of the family. Or maybe they can go and find something you need.

I wouldn't bother coming to visit again. Your DH was angrier than you had ever seen him? It doesn't sound like you or your DH were kind to your in-laws who came to offer support. You made it plain you didn't want their support. Why would they come for a visit?

OP. Wishing you well very soon. YADNBU.💐💐💐
Just read the ring theory and it's brilliant.

So sorry about your cancer diagnosis, I'm glad your results aren't as bad as you feared they might be and you've started treatment.

Your in-laws behaved in such an inconsiderate and disrespectful manner. You clearly made your wishes known and they decided to ignore them. Good for your DH, glad he spoke up and put a stop to their visit.

It is a pity they're behaving this way now, you and DH did nothing wrong by refusing to let them visit. In the circumstances you found yourselves in you needed that time and space to come to terms with the news, it's hardly the time to have visitors turn up and expect you to host them.

The very best of luck with the treatment, I hope it works excellently for you.💐

Luckyducker - op was trying to process her own health not deal with in law visit (she didn’t have her own family over either)

Obviously you have to come first but I'd be devastated not be allowed to support my adult sons at a time like that. Their hearts will be breaking for their son. You have children, you know how it feels when they're hurting.

I'd like to think I'd recognise the reason behind it, rise above it and visit in good spirits as soons a possible, but I understand why they'll be very hurt.

Do you often completely trample over clear boundaries then get butt hurt when people defend those boundaries? They had clearly said they didn't want to see ANYONE at that point. The PILs ignored that.

I don’t think that you have done anything wrong, but your husbands reaction to them planning a visit based from a nearby hotel seems over the top. “Angrier than you have ever seen”, really? Why couldn’t he just have said it is really not a good time, we will contact you when we are ready. They presumably thought they were offering support and maybe don’t think they deserve that. So now they are keeping their distance, they can’t win can they.

This is something my DM and her H would have done - in their case nothing to do with wanting to help, but 'well we'd made plans / arrangements how dare you change them'. Just a very fixed mindset that nothing should stand in their way of doing what they had planned. They once insisted on continuing arrangements for a weekend visit (200 miles away) with DB and SIL, whilst SIL was miscarrying, despite being told before they set off what was happening and asked not to come. They got in the car and turned up anyway, SIL was distraught and ended up having to stay upstairs whilst DB entertained them downstairs (I wouldn't have let them in tbh but he's a wet weekend).

It's a toss up between whether it's sheer bloody mindedness (we want to visit so we will), or as you say, MIL wanting a 'starring role' / rushed to the bedside narrative, but either way YADDNBU!

Wishing you all the best for your treatment OP!

He'd already told them it wasn't a good time but they ignored that and booked a hotel anyway.

They've behaved appallingly.

Good luck with your treatment OP.

I'm a mother of adult children/MIL. If i made the error of booking a visit and then found out it wasn't what was wanted, I would accept it immediately.

I would apologise for not thinking and if I was then invited later, I would go as soon as I was welcome.

I think most parents would do the same. They are sulking, let them get on with it.

Your DH was good. I'm sorry for how it's turned out. I agree with previous pp that it's about their feelings and drama ( been there with my mum and sister flying out to me after emergency surgery when we were not at all close and I didn't want them to and was far more of a hindrance than help). Yes it's hard to be on the sidelines and not be able to do anything but if you've been asked for space and you truly care what benefits them you give it and say you'll be there when they are ready.

Can he visit them at the hotel himself for a bit?

You would not have to go

I think your DH should talk to his mum. I suspect that like some posters here, she thought she was supporting her son and is hurt he didn't want it. I think she's being ridiculous and incredibly self absorbed, but assuming that overall your DH usually has a fairly good relationship with them, I'd be aiming to get this sorted. So perhaps he can ring her and specifically invite them. Tell them you'd like to see them. Say that he's sorry he lost his temper, however, it was a really really bad time for you and him and he hopes they understand (obviously, do NOT apologise for insisting they stay).

It's not idea and i can see some resentment there, but ideally, your Dh does need their support longer term so finding a way to manage this is a better option.

You dh needs to tell his mother in no uncertain way, to stop making it about herself. He needs to tell her that you didn’t even see you own family over that time and so she needs to stop taking it personally and to step up and support you now that you need it. That she’s actually upsetting you and that’s actually cruel given the circumstances. That everyone is entitled to deal with such devastating news in their own way and just because you dealt with it in a different way to what she would have done, that doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong.

A bit of straight talking.

I'd be devastated not be allowed to support my adult sons at a time like that. Their hearts will be breaking for their son.

It's not about you though & surely support doesn't have to mean turning up unannounced?

This.

They are selfish self centred people who cannot prioritise supporting their son and gc at this very difficult time. This is who they are - take careful note not to expect help from them In the future. And be wise about how much help you offer then when the tables are turned.

And you've quoted only part of my post, the whole thing said exactly that.

I don't really understand why it was such a big deal that they couldn't have stayed in a hotel and DH visited them, just so they could see their son. Surely OP and DH didn't stay in alone "waiting" for 6 weeks? I don't know why the reaction was so extreme. Having your own issues doesn't mean you have to be blind to the feelings of everyone who cares about you (and yes I have been there)

They were told not to come, and then booked the hotel behind your backs, trying to present you with a fait accompli by only telling you the day before. I am not surprised your DH yelled at them, as it was probably the only way to get the message across after a polite “please don’t
visit” had failed. I certainly wouldn’t encourage him to apologise for that reaction to their sneaky and manipulative behaviour.

You say the relationship has been difficult. Is this the first time you or DH have pushed back? It sounds like the extended sulk is a reaction to them finally being put back in their box. I’d enjoy the peace and quiet and leave them to get over themselves. Speaking as someone whose mother has a terrible case of main character syndrome, I’d expect that they will do so fairly soon because they can’t bear not to try to make everything all about them when there’s family drama going on.

Best wishes for your recovery. Focus everything on that and put them out of your mind. 💐