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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding 'Wills' and who gets what or not as the case may be?

151 replies

Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:19

Am I one of the few on the net that feels that the Will owner has the right to give or not give etc whatever he or she wants to whomever or not?

The number of stories and threads I've read, and heard with sibling/family fall out as one or more feel they've been left out or cared the most and left out/etc/etc.

Worse still is a couple of cases in the recent year or so where a high court judge overturned a Will

As long as the owner of the will is of sound mind and has the capacity to decide, why do people that get nothing, less etc complain etc, etc?

In my culture, more often than not the son/s get everything this dates back from their motherland as it was often land that was passed on and almost everyone was married o it worked out fairly. However, many older people still practice this kind of thing as my parents did but it did not bother me as we are on our own two feet and never wanted anything from anyone. Sorry, I digress.

Back on topic. AIBU in believing that the person that owns the assets has the ultimate say and this may upset some/all but it is their money.

We've already substantially helped all of our children to reduce their mortgages and the reason we did this is that they never asked and if they had the answer would have been no. No, because they work and should learn to live within their means.

Am I in a miniorty? I don't really care what someone says EG "I looked after..." "they have a lot more money than us.." etc etc - its the Will owner's money etc their choice, would you agree with me implicitly?

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 02/01/2023 16:31

It depends on where you live.

In Scotland, it is not possible to disinherit certain family members. Spouses or civil partner and any children (or the descendants of a predeceasing child) are entitled to claim a portion of a deceased person's estate, even if the deceased left a will leaving nothing to them.

Velda · 02/01/2023 16:34

It is up to the will writer what they leave to who. But they obviously must know that not treating people equally will lead to resentment. I don’t speak to half of my family because my uncle convinced my Gran to change her will and leave everything to him (which he shared out among his own kids). My cousins and I will probably never speak again because of what my Gran did.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 02/01/2023 16:35

I agree it is completely the owners choice to bequeath as they see fit.

However I strongly believe in actions having consequences, and the poor OP who is posting about exactly this on another thread is absolutely right to be upset about it. If someone wants to share they are leaving someone out of the will then they should understand that the left out person can and will make a decision based on that.

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:36

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/01/2023 16:31

It depends on where you live.

In Scotland, it is not possible to disinherit certain family members. Spouses or civil partner and any children (or the descendants of a predeceasing child) are entitled to claim a portion of a deceased person's estate, even if the deceased left a will leaving nothing to them.

I'm gobsmacked!
Why have people not demanded a change in the law, IW the Will owner's money/etc their choice?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/01/2023 16:38

I do believe we all have the right to leave whatever we want to whoever we want … that doesn’t mean people aren’t going to be hurt though.

The poster today whose siblings were inheriting everything … incredibly hurtful.

My mum kept changing her will every time she had a very trivial row with my brother …. I told her that if she died whilst the will left it all to me, I would still split it with him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:39

Velda · 02/01/2023 16:34

It is up to the will writer what they leave to who. But they obviously must know that not treating people equally will lead to resentment. I don’t speak to half of my family because my uncle convinced my Gran to change her will and leave everything to him (which he shared out among his own kids). My cousins and I will probably never speak again because of what my Gran did.

Velda, sorry to hear you don't speak to the other but if I was in your shoes, it would have made no difference to me and DH as we often think alike.

It was Gran's money, her choice unless she did not have capacity and there was wrong doing

OP posts:
Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:40

BigSandyBalls2015 · 02/01/2023 16:38

I do believe we all have the right to leave whatever we want to whoever we want … that doesn’t mean people aren’t going to be hurt though.

The poster today whose siblings were inheriting everything … incredibly hurtful.

My mum kept changing her will every time she had a very trivial row with my brother …. I told her that if she died whilst the will left it all to me, I would still split it with him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Good post. It was your mum's choice as you know and you were honest and not fearful of not getting a penny. Credit to your mum and you.

OP posts:
BrownEyedGhoul · 02/01/2023 16:42

s long as the owner of the will is of sound mind and has the capacity to decide, why do people that get nothing, less etc complain etc, etc?
#What a stupid question. Why do you imagine you might complain if your parents left your sibling 2 million and you a book? What would that say to you?

Anyone who says they wouldn't mind a bit is a big fat liar

yoyo1234 · 02/01/2023 16:46

I can't see myself ever spliting an inheritance anything other than equally to my DC (or their off spring). I know inheritances (or the threat of disinheritance) in the past have been used to bully and manipulate in my family.

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:47

BrownEyedGhoul · 02/01/2023 16:42

s long as the owner of the will is of sound mind and has the capacity to decide, why do people that get nothing, less etc complain etc, etc?
#What a stupid question. Why do you imagine you might complain if your parents left your sibling 2 million and you a book? What would that say to you?

Anyone who says they wouldn't mind a bit is a big fat liar

I will rephrase that as you have made a valid point and my choice of word ie "mind" was not 100% accurate.

If that was the case, I might mind but it woul not stop me from being friends just like before and I would never resent it as we have been brought up like that eG never to expect money from anyone. You are therefore better prepared.

I hope you are happy with the revised outcome

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 02/01/2023 16:48

No I don't agree with you implicitly but do agree to some extent.

Even the law here does not allow someone to leave ot as they wish in some circumstances which is why some wills are successfully challenged such as by people who were dependent on the testator.

It is never always as black and white which is why I can't agree "implicitly".

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 16:52

SeasonFinale · 02/01/2023 16:48

No I don't agree with you implicitly but do agree to some extent.

Even the law here does not allow someone to leave ot as they wish in some circumstances which is why some wills are successfully challenged such as by people who were dependent on the testator.

It is never always as black and white which is why I can't agree "implicitly".

You have confused me, Are you saying in England?

I was not aware of that - what law is that? If you are tlaking about dependant children then that is different EG those below age of 18 other than that it is the Will owners choice.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 02/01/2023 16:53

I'm gobsmacked!
Why have people not demanded a change in the law, IW the Will owner's money/etc their choice?

Because overall the system has not enraged the public sufficiently to rise up against it?

If this thread is inspired by the poor woman posting today about her mother disinheriting her entirely in favour of her two brothers, well, you'd need to be a plaster-cast saint not to take umbrage at that.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 02/01/2023 16:54

BrownEyedGhoul · 02/01/2023 16:42

s long as the owner of the will is of sound mind and has the capacity to decide, why do people that get nothing, less etc complain etc, etc?
#What a stupid question. Why do you imagine you might complain if your parents left your sibling 2 million and you a book? What would that say to you?

Anyone who says they wouldn't mind a bit is a big fat liar

Totally agree with you

illiterato · 02/01/2023 16:57

Thing is OP, you grew up in a culture which routinely disinherits women and were disinherited by your own parents, so this thread smacks of self- justification and projection, whereby you want people to tell you that your parents were right. It doesn’t “come out in the wash” as you say- rather it further engrains financial inequality based on gender.

nosyupnorth · 02/01/2023 16:58

In the case of scottish law, I think it's absolutely right that children should be provided for and the laws around spouses date back to when it was far more likely that wives were financially dependent on their husbands and women contributed to the household indirectly - but that is still quite frequently the case.

I suppose you think it's perfectly within a man's right to die and leave his wife and kids homeless because they had a row and he decided to leave everything to his mistress instead though because freedom of choice superceeds all moral values.

Hadenoughbringmechocolate · 02/01/2023 16:58

I agree with you- no one is entitled to money or assets that belong to someone else. Not kids, aunts, uncles, etc.

If my parents decide they want to leave their worldly assets (fairly sizable) to a charity- so be it. If they decide to spend every penny on travel while they still can- good for them. If they decide to leave more to my sibling than me; honestly I wouldn't care. I'd be happy for them and I would honour their wishes. Its not mine to start off with so I've lost nothing!

They provided a great childhood for me and my sibling which we are hugely grateful for. They are not 'due' us anything.

healthadvice123 · 02/01/2023 16:58

Because most of us treat our kids equally and would not leave all to one with no reason , and very old fashioned to leave all the boy in this day and age
Why would someone want to cause issues once they have gone , risk siblings having no relationship or family feuds
Also when alive a person cannot expect they are treated equally if they make it clear they won't be later
Leave what you like to who but there will be consequences
If my parents suddenly left all to me for no valid reason i would share it with my siblings anyway , if one of my siblings had cut off my parents then I would expect them not to be left anything

Hadenoughbringmechocolate · 02/01/2023 17:00

Hadenoughbringmechocolate · 02/01/2023 16:58

I agree with you- no one is entitled to money or assets that belong to someone else. Not kids, aunts, uncles, etc.

If my parents decide they want to leave their worldly assets (fairly sizable) to a charity- so be it. If they decide to spend every penny on travel while they still can- good for them. If they decide to leave more to my sibling than me; honestly I wouldn't care. I'd be happy for them and I would honour their wishes. Its not mine to start off with so I've lost nothing!

They provided a great childhood for me and my sibling which we are hugely grateful for. They are not 'due' us anything.

I would add to this reading another comment- I would expect minor children to be provided for in the death of a parent. That's it.

SeasonFinale · 02/01/2023 17:04

Yes in England anyone who is deemed to be dependent (not just minor children) would have a valid claim against a will that did not provide for them.

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 02/01/2023 17:04

Ime it's the trying to fathom the will maker's thinking.

When my disabled relative died I was there only living relative except an estranged sibling.
I got 10k. Estranged sibling nothing.
The carer got relative's 230k house and the entire family heirlooms. Prob worth more than the house.
I had done nothing 'wrong' except not have had the amount of time the relative expected me to give them.
'Punished' for having dc it seemed.

healthadvice123 · 02/01/2023 17:04

@Hadenoughbringmechocolate people say this but when it happens it can hurt
Say you have kids and so does your sibling and then parents leave all to your niece or nephew and your kids have nothings
Your sibling is well off has had help from parents all along and you are not and money would help your child go to uni etc
Different dynamics change circumstances
I always say to my parents sell up by smaller and enjoy your money whilst you can as inheritance is not a given , that said if they left all to my brother I would be pissed as we are in similar positions and not well off
If they left all to their favourite charity then again would be their choice and they haven't favoured either child
But would be out of character as we are not well off so they would know any money would go a long way to help us

Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 17:05

illiterato · 02/01/2023 16:57

Thing is OP, you grew up in a culture which routinely disinherits women and were disinherited by your own parents, so this thread smacks of self- justification and projection, whereby you want people to tell you that your parents were right. It doesn’t “come out in the wash” as you say- rather it further engrains financial inequality based on gender.

Wrong on every level. I was brought up in England from the age of about 2.
We are westernised. This is why we gave our siblings amounts, varying amounts both boys and girls to help reduce their mortgages or buy a BTL. They never asked for a penny. The amounts were different by tens of thousands and not one of them complained once. Thank you.

PS: Like most kids, they want us to spend our money on hols, new cars and I'm sure if we have money/etc left when we go to the other side they will be happy with our Will even if we almost left one or more of them almost entirrely out of the Will

OP posts:
Original poster
Abigail69 · 02/01/2023 17:06

SeasonFinale · 02/01/2023 17:04

Yes in England anyone who is deemed to be dependent (not just minor children) would have a valid claim against a will that did not provide for them.

"dependent" I guess that is fair enough. Thanks

OP posts:
healthadvice123 · 02/01/2023 17:08

@Abigail69 thats what you think but you don't know how they would feel deep down
You obviously live a privileged life and have money as do your dc, many people their parents leaving them money is only way to get on property ladder , help their child through uni etc
Plus many of us treat our kids the same , I think that is a fair way to live
Also just because they haven't complained to you , no one knows what is said behind closed doors or what someone thinks